~The Depressive Side of Bipolar~

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There are two modes of bipolar 1, as well as bipolar 2. In fact in all bipolar diagnosis you have two modes. Some of the bipolar labels have mixed modes which means being hypo manic and depressed at the same time.

I can remember clearly at the beginning of my diagnosis waking up feel grand happy, beyond happy, only to feel like suicide may be the only answer later in the day.
I’ve written a piece of what a manic episode feels like. I’m going to try to give you what the depressive episode feels like.
Unlike depression which is another form of mental illness, bipolar depression although similar is more severe.
So let’s begin. Please keep in mind these are my experiences.
It’s a subtle sneaky liar that begins softly in the mind, growing into a monster within hours. The littlest things can evoke tears and regrets and fears that on a scale of 1-10 it’s an 11. Which means it’s beyond the norm,
What I mean by littlest thing is the catalyst can be just the loss of something, something you feel certain you put there, such as a book or a your shoes. Why surely I remember clearly that’s where I put them!
Truth be told I just think that. Because later the item will be found. The item may often be very close by where I thought I put it, and as though I have blinders on I simply am not registering it’s right in front of me.
This begins the tail spin,then thoughts begin, you know all the reasons why everything is not right how could it be I absolutely know where I put this item, this thing.Obviously I didn’t. It seemed as though I did put it there, not the case.
The thoughts continue and start to make me feel stupid hopeless and disillusioned by all injustice I feel exist in the world.
Next my thoughts take me to what I like to call the exit door. The exit door is basically suicide. Thoughts seem to rationalize that being non existent will solve all problems I’m incurring. Not being around anymore I don’t have a meltdown and this sounds like a good idea, or at least at the moment it does.
I will lay down and begin what call the stages of loss. Anger, disappointment, the “Why me” syndrome, finally arriving at the fact that I’m afraid. Afraid of what you ask? The unknown, the lack of courage to carry out the task of going through the exit door. Yes, I just used the word courage. I wrote a long piece of why suicide takes courage. In order to understand you would not only need to read that piece, but be me, think like me.
This mode can last for only hours, a day, sometimes days. Then just like a snap of a finger abracadabra bam it’s all good again, life is ok and onward I go.
Normal reaction by those not afflicted with bipolar reach depressive states in extreme loss. Loss such as death of a loved one, a terminal illness that will take a life quickly ( by the way bipolar is indeed a terminal illness and can indeed take life away) a loss of a pet, breaking up with a lover or spouse, losing a job, these are a few examples. However for me and my reaction the normal (by the way define normal…. Yeah exactly) reaction is I thrive under real pressure or loss.
My experience with the lows of bipolar may differ from yours, I’m here to share, to educate, communicate, and break the stigma. In order to do so we all must share. Find your voice share let’s compare then let’s see where we can all go from there. Thank you to those who took the time to read this.

56 thoughts on “~The Depressive Side of Bipolar~”

  2. Pingback: ~The Depressive Side of Bipolar~ — Bipolar Tapestry~Poetic Thoughts | Ups and Downs of Family History V2.0

  3. I have bipolar II. I take meds (several). So it’s pretty much under control. However, I still have light episodes. Not often. When depressed, I feel a terrible sense of dread. My mind won’t tell me exactly what I’m dreading. But the emotion is very much there. It’s like the feeling when you first realize you made a huge mistake at work, costing the company thousands, and you’re about to have to go tell your boss, who happens to be a huge bitch. It’s DREAD. And it’s awful! So all I can do is lie in bed with the covers over my head and try to sleep. Sleep is my only relief. It usually lasts from 1 to 3 Days. I have no desire to talk to anyone, to watch tv, to eat, to bathe, to do anything at all except sleep.

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  4. Pingback: ~The Depressive Side of Bipolar~ — Bipolar Tapestry~Poetic Thoughts – Depression, My life with Mental illness

  6. I appreciate you writing this. I have Bipolar 1 and can certainly say the depressive episodes are the absolute worst thing I’ve experienced. It makes me feel so hopeless. Again thanks for sharing what this is like for others

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  7. Nicole, I was scrolling through posts here on WordPress when I found this post from you. It was an interesting piece to read. I have definitely learned a lot more about this condition from your post. I am so so sorry to hear that you have to deal with this daily. I can understand the frustrations that can come from this condition, and how it can affect a lot of things in your life. Everything from work, to family, to technically a lot of relationships. Although your post is amazing, I sincerely wish that you added tips on how you deal with this condition. I find that other people who struggle with this condition might find such tips useful. I hope you get better soon sister, and I want happiness to be your all time emotion. If you do not mind me asking, do you by any chance believe in God? God is the creator of the universe and everything within it. He cares for all of his creations and he is always looking to help us. Thankfully, God has dominion over all things, and he can help with anything. However, we need to pray to him and make our requests known to him. We need to pray with faith, and we need to pray constantly. We need to thank him for all that he has done, and a continued relationship with him brings spiritual growth and an influx of blessings. Yes sure, go to a doctor, because God let doctors have the knowledge that they have for a reason. Nevertheless, prayers + efforts is what will do the trick.

    The Bible says in Philippians 4:6
    “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God”.

    The Bible says in Matthew 7: 7-8
    “Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened”.

    God says in Isaiah 41:10
    “Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
    Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
    I will strengthen you and help you.
    I will hold you up with my victorious right hand”.

    If you do not yet have a relationship with the Lord, I would strongly suggest that you begin one. There are a lot of blessings that comes from knowing the Lord, and being in fellowship with him. If you already have a relationship with the Lord, that is good, keep believing and working to deepen your relationship with him, and I am sure that he would come through for you somehow.

    If you want to know about God in more detail, you can find further information here https://christcenteredruminations.wordpress.com/2018/10/23/a-few-things-that-i-have-learned-about-god/ And Here https://christcenteredruminations.wordpress.com/2018/08/29/how-to-build-a-relationship-with-god/

    May God’s blessings be with you, Amen. ❤ ❤

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    • Hi, yes I have a relationship with God. That piece is more for poetry or prose… not that tips aren’t useful but the intent was poetic and I happen to be a dark artist although I write some awe inspiring pieces too. I also have articles written on how to lead a productive life with bipolar… I speak of spirituality going a long way. How you believe makes a huge difference. However there are just days…… that all you can say is God help me.
      It’s a struggle that should be left in Gods hands unfortunately for me and millions we don’t know how, even if we do we lack both ability and capacity in which to do with the knowledge. Thanks for reading my blog
      God bless

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  8. Thank you ! I have bipolar type 1 as well And this is exactly it. From the start of an episode over something trivial like losing a pen and then thriving under true pressure and loss. Bipolar is interesting I am glad people are able to relate to each other I started a blog to not feel so alone and find like minded people who can truly understand

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  10. How courageous of you to share your story. I’m not bi-polar but have clinical depression. I’m no doctor so I still have an issue with that title. I have more bad days than good, but when good I’m raring to go. Thank you for educating me about this illness. Not enough is brought to the forefront and it should be. Too many people are sick and not being helped. Reading your article gave me insight and I thank you. I wrote about having gratitude today. Well today I’m grateful to learn something new about people and how when our minds start to roll with a chaos of thoughts that it can be difficult to unscramble. My thoughts and well wishes go to you. I hope that as I read more of your stories I’ll be educated more. Every story is a conduit to helping someone. Thank you.

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  11. Yes, all of our experiences are different but you are not alone. Before I was bipolar type 1, I knew something was wrong, I have full blown manic episodes. And depression too but mostly Highs. I was the life of the party until I realized I needed help. This mental illness can be devastating but once we gain the tools to combat it, ie. therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, control etc. it can be managed.

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    • Oh my god Nicolemoncada, When I read, “Yes, I said courage” and You would have to be me, think like me.”

      I was like, exactly!

      I didn’t always think that it took courage, to take your life.

      But it’s fear, that prevents me from attempting suicide.

      I’m scared, I’d survive.

      Side note: Because I think of death often, I picture my untimely dealth as comedic. And I hover over myself and say “Really, that, that’s what took you out?”

      Thanks for talking about it.

      ‘Cause silence, can be deadly.

      Better days, Yvette

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  13. Love that you shared your experience. It takes courage to do this and I admire you for it. I was just diagnosed with bipolar depression and I’m trying to find myself so I appreciate you being so informative.

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  14. Interesting experience. Thanks for sharing. My psychiatrists have always labeled hypomania + depression as agitated depression or dysphoric hypomania and it hasn’t been mixed until I have enough manic symptoms for it to be mania. I know they changed stuff in the new DSM though. Do you know if they changed that? My last really bad episode was a week of mania followed by an extreme depression. It was right after my son was born and I started hallucinating. Not fun.

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      • That was my only experience ever hallucinating. Hormonal fluctuations, having a sick demanding baby, not getting any sleep, and recovering from a c-section were a perfect storm. This didn’t happen with my oldest.

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  15. Great blog, and I can relate.. I have bipolar my self. And f`d my life up probably for the last time since my girl can take it no more… It`s a sad illness. But I don`t want to give up!

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  16. Thank you so much for sharing! I love reading about other people’s experience with this disease, and I am hopeful that with so many people stepping out of the shadows, and sharing their experiences that the stigma on mental illness will end!

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  17. I am bipolar 1 mixed (with rapid cycling) and I can relate to this so much. I just came out of a severe depressive episode about a week ago only to fall right into an even worse agitated type manic episode. Luckily, that only lasted a few days. I’m definitely going to follow your blog. If you can check mine out, and follow. I have a lot of my own personal bipolar stories on mine and I am going to be adding my manic episode soon.

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  19. This is so true !!
    I’m very down and have been foe 2 weeks I have my drs on Thursday I’m hoping he does something. He upped my dose to 200 but don’t feel any different . Hope u feel bit better .

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  20. Thanks for sharing I am also Bipolar more in a Depressive episode. I had two relapses in the past month or so. It’s been difficult being hit so hard and hitting the reset button again. I will get there. Hope you are well. ttys

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    • I did stop and look and read your most recent post. How true! Move on quickly from negativity or you became prisoner.
      I had many negative things hold me back. Unrequited love was one.
      I had to let go.
      I am at peace now.
      Daily prayer meditation
      Exercise
      Taking my meds
      Work.
      I find valuable
      .thank you for a great post!
      I didn’t see where I can like it?
      But I’m glad you reached out and my words touched you as yours did mine

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    • I do some much damage during mania. If there was a happy medium it would be great, but then it wouldn’t be call bipolar… sorry life is down I feel you, been in a fog depression for about 6 months now.

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  30. I can completely relate to Bipolar Depression and agree it is 1,000,000 bazillion times worse and more severe and debilitating than other types of sadness or depression. I have Bipolar 1 with rapid cycling as well as mixed episodes and PTSD. Sometimes my PTSD triggers my depression other times it could be absolutely nothing and my brain chemistry just decided to take a nose dive down the spiral staircase to hell to the deep dark underground of my grave. I have suicidal depression as well and can relate to what you have described. If you want to read my blog I have some posts related to my suicidal depression if you ever want to read them as I think reading other similar experiences helps us a lot to know we are not alone.Here are a couple of my links… https://myloudbipolarwhispers.com/2016/10/28/suicide-inside-my-lonely-insane-asylum-brain/
    https://myloudbipolarwhispers.com/2016/11/16/i-just-survived-a-weekend-of-bipolar-hell-thank-you-god/
    Thank you for your post. It helped me a lot. Hugs.

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