There are two modes of bipolar 1, as well as bipolar 2. In fact in all bipolar diagnosis you have two modes. Some of the bipolar labels have mixed modes which means being hypo manic and depressed at the same time.
Why does interest slack
It’s washed out muted colors
Not able to capture the attention
Yet void of substance
Once looked upon with delight
Scorned and neglected
Lumped into a category
~Not For Reproduction~
I’m in the grey…….
Grey Chasm swallows
I’m in the grey it’s where I’ll stay for now
I will not attempt to move quickly
Nor will I be rushed
Do I fascinate?
Do I invoke fear? Hate?
Am I your guilty pleasure…
Is there no distance yet to measure?
I’ll create my walls
Build my tower strong
Brick by brick no matter how long
Exterior crusted over with
Innuendos and regret
I’m in the grey
I will not be pulled away
In this Chasm I will stay
Until I decide, until that day
You can not reach me… There is no definitive here
No truth or lie
If I want to stay until I die
It’s then a matter of choice
The beauty of my grey instilled in me a voice
Slowly it drips…..spill forth from my lips
Turning my words to black and white
Finally to distinguish which is wrong and which is right
But I shall not take flight oh no, I will move slowly with precision
At the end of the day it’s my decision
For now I’m in the grey area
Safely in my tower, walls erected
While my thoughts become collective
In the grey
And so it was, this day
Unlike the other, I wake to find
The fowl stench of my mind
Stale and putrid
This place is familiar
A swamp of murky water
Thoughts are draped like Spanish moss suffocating an Oak tree
It Takes hold clutching my thriving soul
Pulling me , pressing
Sinking further, downward
Acutely aware of my condition
But gambling with my life
I throw the dice
Lacking all conviction
Unable to achieve the desired outcome
I will awake between this world
Hinged on each realm
by only one dimension
It’s cold, veiny hand
Will caress my brow
While quietly I resign
Only to awaken yet again
To this polluted state of mind.
~You point out all the reasons to not be depressed. I see clearly the things you so readily direct my attention to.
What you can not see is for all the positives you see, there are negatives waiting to consume the positives you point out to me.
Awaiting the circumstance to sneak my way in, and you’ll question the link of genetics again. But regardless you will not win, and I’ll not give a clue, because its to easy to get within you.
Invisibility to me can not be acquired , nor obtained. The seeds are well planted and I’ll make you feel that all is for granted.
I prefer to romance you, woo as you will. Tinker and tangle the web I can weave, and the beauty of all, is I’ll never leave. Not for long at least, but when I’m away, you might enjoy life for more than a day.~
Emotional harm, Physical waste
Uneasy feeling bitter taste
Fastidious fear cry your last tear
Presence so stifling
Breeding your strife
Sucking up the last bit of my life
Mangled, tangled, fingers strangled
You hang from a rope
Its all the same
It hurts this scar
Covering the body
Obscene utterance on tongues tip
All will come to know
Is it Friend or Foe?
Relief or Thief
Or just belief~
I recently wrote about truth and forgiveness, upon waking after a decent sleep I awoke inspired to write a few more bipolar thoughts. So after a bit of prayer, and thanksgiving I felt the need to expound upon other issues considered taboo, subjects of a certain nature, issues we skirt around that are easily ignored by some of the very people who are afflicted with this virus of the mind we call mental illness.
See often time’s conflict or malice, jealousy; hate can be just like mental illness… Grudges held, harbored with indifference, tormenting the mind, much like the virus we call mental illness.
Think of a computer being the mind, and often times our computers have a virus, which eats away at the data, causing the computer to run slowly maybe even shut down, in any case a virus sucks. No amount of defragmentation will remove the corrupt virus. Instead it needs a full diagnostic repair, a definitive diagnosis to best find the course of treatment.
However unlike our computers that we can easily replace the mind unfortunately cannot.
A virus whether it is of the physical, mental, or emotional kind, can often occur simultaneously. You know the kind where your sitting on a toilet diarrhea coming out one end, vomit out the other.
In my recent exchange on topics uncomfortable to discuss the subject of mental illness came up. I’ve had the opportunity since becoming a member of Quora/Wordpress community to be a spokesperson of sorts. You know the one, or in my case the go to Gal if a question you may want information on with regard to mental illness needs answering in a more discrete way, because like I stated above its a skirt around issue laden with stigma, shame and even remorse. I understand, its cool, you’re not ready to go to public or speak out yet about this virus of the mind. In fact I feel honored that others feel I am approachable with such sensitive issues of the mind.
I’ve exchanged some great and touching views, ideas, personal feelings on the topic of mental illness both in the question forums, and mostly via private messages.
I’ve strived to bring light to what I call “the forgotten subject” or plainly stated the ignored area of existence that each and every one of us encounter whether it be your personal illness, a spouse, relative or a friend or an undiagnosed one of your own.
Before I learned to fully embrace the diagnosis I received, I was among the majority of “those people” Who prefer to ignore, belittle, or just firmly state the phrase “it’s all in your head, snap out of it” and truly it is “all in our head, your head, my head’……..
Now hold on a minute, in no way am I saying you’re mentally ill necessarily.
No, I’m merely offering up dialogue to paint the picture in your mind of the message, my plight about a subject near and dear to me, one that has affected me personally due to both parents and their parents having some form of mental illness and my present diagnosis.
Not For Reproduction~
Disillusions exist ~
Burdened by that emotion
The sickness in my mind
Never Giving full rest
Watered down relation
Words contentious in meaning
Nothing said that’s profound
Dimly lit corner I will sit
Festering my disdain~
Not for Reproduction
Has anyone ever written anything for you
In all your darkest hours
Did you ever hear me sing?
Well listen to me now
You know I’d rather be alone
Than to be without you
And if that’s all
I ever give…..
In all your darkest sorrows
Did you ever give it back?
I have given that to you
If that’s all I’ll ever do
I want you to remember me~
Be not hidden
Contours and hands
My mind can’t erase
Claim my hand
Hold my love