Does someone who is bipolar know that they’re wrong when they are verbally abusive and threatening during a manic phase?

Posted on by

Well, I’m speaking of my experience.
No and yes.

When manic, your sense of boundaries are skewed. The filter that most individuals use and have in place cease to exist.

In the manic phase, mania takes on many forms. Strong hostility, as well as a viscous tongue can arise if provoked even the slightest by someone who at one time or another failed me, these fails will indeed rise to the surface.

With that I’ve never been dishonest with my words but verbally abusive would fit. What I would say was often very true about what I felt about things they’ve done. But it was said very harshly, and with viscous intent. The message I conveyed was not false , but was said in such abrupt disregard that it would leave its scar.

Threatening. I only threatened when I was threatened. By that I mean because I’m bi polar, and may be within a confrontation , statements ” like you need to take your meds”or “no one will believe you cause you crazy ” will set me off, especially since those words are meant to make me feel less than, and with ignorance. Which at that point I will zone into all character flaws of the said individual I’m in conflict with and rip them to shreds, at which point I can leave them speechless.

In short I must be provoked in order to act in such ways. Granted I’m more sensitive when manic. So if the person is aware of my state. Then all could be avoided. It’s all in the care, in the handling.

Most of those whom I’ve done this too, had in most cases abandoned me when I may have needed them most. And when they needed me most I was there for them in their time of need.This is why I’ve burned a few bridges. But if they were unsupportive of me after my diagnosis then those bridges need not be crossed again.
These are my experiences , the only thing I felt bad for was how I said it. How I said it, and my intent behind it. But I was never sorry for speaking the truth.
Written 16 Dec, 2013. Asked to answer by Marcus Ford.

~The Truth About Fairy Tails That Most Women Dote Upon~

Posted on by

When I was a young girl, I was often told about a fairy tail , you know Cinderella, Snow white to name a few.
Then life begins, and depending on your upbringing and your class status, things don’t always work out the way you plan them in your mind as a teenage girl, or even a grown up women.
I used to believe truly there was a prince charming, a man that would come and sweep me off my feet, and we would live happily ever after, he would treat me like the princess I thought I was.
Life at this point has been a very sobering wake up call considering the many paths I have taken, the heartbreak’s I have endured.
I have only been a bride’s maid once, and it was like default. I was the one never even asked to back up the bride, go figure.
I have seen and read stories that appear as though fairy tails do indeed happen for some women, although very few. On Quora I have witnessed someone who is a graduate of an Ivy League school. There is a picture of her at her wedding dancing with her new husband, what a grand picture indeed. She looked happy like a princess. She was blessed with a life very few of us are blessed with. She claims to suffer a mental illness, however when she does speak about her depression which is a mental illness she has never identified what type of depression she has. You see there are many forms of depression and she vaguely discusses at length what type it is, but instead uses the label as a writing tool. People mentally ill don’t just vaguely and randomly claim the label of which she has yet to give the exact label. Perhaps she does not suffer depression at all. She may have the wrong diagnosis, at least that is my opinion after reading a few of her post.

I was first married at age 14, not because I was pregnant, hell no, I was careful I did not want to bring a child in a world were confusion and contradictions seem the norm. I married Brandon Lee Stevens. He said he loved me. I can still remember that moment. Leaning against his 1985 Monte Carlo car. He held me, looked me in my eyes and said “I Love You” ……my response at age 14 was less than desirable for him. I said nothing in return. He left that night without validation of my love for him. Even at a young age of 14 I knew love was not a word you just casually throw around. Love is deeper, eternal in fact.
Two days later I said I loved him as to not hurt him further, after all he offered to marry me in order to get me away from my severely abusive mother. I saw this marriage as a away out, and in so doing I married for reasons of leaving an abusive relationship between me and my mother, not for love of him. That marriage turned out to be abusive too, in regard to me using him and him abusing me.
I was simply to young.
Then at age 20 after spending 1 year in jail I was introduced through a friend to a family that would take me in to start a new life away from the town where I was involved with drugs. It was there in church that I met the man I am currently divorcing. I believed at that point I was in love and I may have been. buy at age 20 you are still a bit young, looking back I can’t truly determine that answer. The family I had come to live with in McComb Ms were going to be moving back to the town I had left after my stint in jail they were going to move back to Houma Louisiana. The place where I had left, the place where ecstasy was my God, where I was arrested for distribution of ecstasy. Out of  fear I accepted the offer of marriage from my soon to be ex husband who I married a second time, but that is another story. This would allow me to stay put in McComb Mississippi instead of living to Houma La, where the road to excess and destruction would await me due to tremendous temptations, to many lose ends and connections were there in Houma and I knew enough about temptation as I did about love at that point, that love does not come easy, and neither does growth. Temptations are very powerful once ingrained in you. especially in regard to my love affair with ecstasy.As Well as believing in Fairy Tails.

So back to the fairy tail….There was a time I used to think I would have the big wedding in the church, with bride’s maids’ at my side doting on my every decision catering to my every need and he would have best men who would assist him with the stress and Planning the bachelor party. Of course this never happened.
I had a simple ceremony the second time at my ex’s sister house where justice of the peace married us, just as the one did in Mobile Alabama in 1984 for my first marriage, but there it was in a court house. Yeah, I was married in blue jeans at age 14 in a court house in Mobile Alabama. A quick exchange of vows and BAM I was the Mrs. Nicole June Stevens. I never liked that name, never rolled of my tongue right.

I felt the same thing about my name after marrying my second husband. The name Nicole Raley did not sound right to me. The second marriage was different. Like stated previously we were married at his sisters house, I had both of our Mom’s arguing and making my experience a living hell. I was so pissed and tired that I actually walked ahead of my Dad holding hands as he trailed behind me, bless his heart.
I did not understand things of wedding nature and I will never forget the time I saw someone from the church in McComb Ms in a grocery store parking lot, they stopped me to ask me where I was registered. I was like ‘what is registered?” After all I was a down the bayou Cajun girl that had not seen much of the world nor had I been educated in the social norms of how a planned marriage would work. Registered to me sounded like the place the wedding would take place.

So here I am 23 yrs later and now I know  it means you go pick out things you and your future husband may need to start your new life. Go figure.

And now here I am, all grown up, no fairy tail that’s for sure, No big wedding with catering and assigned seating. At this stage of life it is a reality that I can see never happening, and besides I am not to keen on the whole politics of union due to marriage, I am not saying marriage is wrong, oh no……..I just can’t imagine it ever happening to me like that, never say never right?
I can just picture Me at the Macy’s registering for gifts or at Target Hahaha. Yeah well I used to live by a philosophy. That Philosophy is “Never Say Never” but for once in my life I feel that rule may just apply where this area of my life is concerned.
Besides finding someone who would love me flaws, mental illness and all. This calls for a very strong man, a man strong enough to be a man  stronger than me in all regards; I have not encountered any who could ever fill those shoes.
The inspiration for this piece came after watching the movie “The Big Wedding” I realize now in life that the motto “never say never “may apply to certain aspects of one’s life, and for the first time, I think I am ok with that. What I am not ok with is not having my son.
Either way some things may never be, but where my son is concerned he is back in my life! Now maybe my soul mate/kindred will enter into my life too. I’d be ok with that, what about you?
~NJM~
Not for reproduction~

IMG_0411.PNG

~ Letting Go~

Posted on by

You were there

Now you’re gone
You were there
I swear. Fading now like a distant dream. Memories blurry.
You stood watching for so much time
Circumstance like waves washed you upon my shore. When my eyes met yours I prayed to look into them more.
You ‘re fascinated . You ‘re transfixed . You never thought I knew all along it was you.
You were there.
Creeping, staring, almost daring.
I was living my life, guarding my truth.
But I slipped and fell and you were there. So was I
I was there, I came to know of the one who has watched me from long ago, even unto now. I was there, I’m aware. I thought you should know
It’s not poetic or even a plight. I lay down my sword now, I no longer fight. For what I think could have been, perhaps never will doesn’t matter what, I’ll love you still
Walking away now, trying not to looking back. I have to move on and stay on track.
The tracks changed for us months ago. So I’m asking politely to simply let go.
I’ll know, When you go piece a of me lives deep you in ,As you will know too, inside of me is a piece of you.
God Speed~
Not for Reproduction~

~Never say Never Ever~

Posted on by

Never say never or never will come knocking on your door, maybe not today, or next week or next year, still you ache the fear of Never….oh the trepidation the human condition~
Never is unwanted ….mostly however visiting is something never will do to me, will do to you. So please never say never~
It’s the bones of skeletons you dance with and sleep with in the back of your mind~
Never is that closet locked away, so jumbled that one inch of the door opening it would tumble out pouring all the crap all the hurt all the rejection you Never wanted.. yet you have, you did, ever since you were a kid~
Never is the fear of ever as ever is the fear of never canceling each other yet suspended in a harmonious dance

with karmatic presence and essence of all lessons….. the ones that pick and stick and prick and cut stabbing away chipping the dirt, debis

……. you don’t have the broom to sweep in under the carpet

You don’t even have carpet it can’t be rinsed or washed away why? Cause Never is here to stay…it Never goes away,it never dies~
So never say never or expect that knock on your door now and evermore. Never is as sure as Ever and together they’re an unbeatable team at least that is how it always seems~
Never say never~Ever……

~ You Were~You Are~You Will~Son~

Posted on by

You were written in my story before I was created

You were sent to bring the love that few often find

You came to teach me many things of which I am still learning

You have this quietness that takes secrecy to another level

You have laughter like no one else and it comes from deep within

Health issues have afflicted you yet you overcome

You have seen ugly that no one should see yet you chose to find the beauty

You create your own world that keeps you safe when safety seems far from reach

You stay silent and still when the moment calls for it

You have fear around you, but God did not give you the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind

You speak up and understand right from wrong and are not afraid to be the voice of reason when you feel brave enough, I understand and know you have been bullied I have been too

You are brave enough; you just don’t know it yet

You are torn in different directions, and I yearn to change this each waking day

You adapt quickly just as I did, life called us to be this way, you blend in when needed

You deserve better than you have received, not in regard to gifts but in regard to consistency and safety I intend to change that

You are confused because things don’t seem right at times yet it remains as it is

You possess the bloodline of a noble namesake and it is why I promised my Dad if I ever had a son, I would carry on his name in honor

You are honor; you are majestic beyond that which can be explained

You will come through this a tougher human a stronger man but with the measure of kindness that will be needed when it is called for

You are slow to speak, in fact you are a son of little words, but when you speak your words are beautiful and timely

You have relatives that share your blood yet they are cowards you are not like them you are not a coward

You are noble and above the superficial and this is what will save you in the end

You miss me, I miss you but this too shall pass

Until then I pray the only influence you have is of Devine origin, straight from God and Angels that encompass you, and as I instructed and did with you each day, I pray you remember each day to pray

You have great reward and favor blessed upon you

You are an angel and I am better because you came into my life

I will never let you go, I will allow God to help me yield, to lead my path

That path leads to you and each and every day I am one step closer

You are my son and I love you

~NJM~