~The Depressive Side of Bipolar~

There are two modes of bipolar 1, as well as bipolar 2. In fact in all bipolar diagnosis you have two modes. Some of the bipolar labels have mixed modes which means being hypo manic and depressed at the same time.

I can remember clearly at the beginning of my diagnosis waking up feel grand happy, beyond happy, only to feel like suicide may be the only answer later in the day.
I’ve written a piece of what a manic episode feels like. I’m going to try to give you what the depressive episode feels like.
Unlike depression which is another form of mental illness, bipolar depression although similar is more severe.
So let’s begin. Please keep in mind these are my experiences.
It’s a subtle sneaky liar that begins softly in the mind, growing into a monster within hours. The littlest things can evoke tears and regrets and fears that on a scale of 1-10 it’s an 11. Which means it’s beyond the norm,
What I mean by littlest thing is the catalyst can be just the loss of something, something you feel certain you put there, such as a book or a your shoes. Why surely I remember clearly that’s where I put them!
Truth be told I just think that. Because later the item will be found. The item may often be very close by where I thought I put it, and as though I have blinders on I simply am not registering it’s right in front of me.
This begins the tail spin,then thoughts begin, you know all the reasons why everything is not right how could it be I absolutely know where I put this item, this thing.Obviously I didn’t. It seemed as though I did put it there, not the case.
The thoughts continue and start to make me feel stupid hopeless and disillusioned by all injustice I feel exist in the world.
Next my thoughts take me to what I like to call the exit door. The exit door is basically suicide. Thoughts seem to rationalize that being non existent will solve all problems I’m incurring. Not being around anymore I don’t have a meltdown and this sounds like a good idea, or at least at the moment it does.
I will lay down and begin what call the stages of loss. Anger, disappointment, the “Why me” syndrome, finally arriving at the fact that I’m afraid. Afraid of what you ask? The unknown, the lack of courage to carry out the task of going through the exit door. Yes, I just used the word courage. I wrote a long piece of why suicide takes courage. In order to understand you would not only need to read that piece, but be me, think like me.
This mode can last for only hours, a day, sometimes days. Then just like a snap of a finger abracadabra bam it’s all good again, life is ok and onward I go.
Normal reaction by those not afflicted with bipolar reach depressive states in extreme loss. Loss such as death of a loved one, a terminal illness that will take a life quickly ( by the way bipolar is indeed a terminal illness and can indeed take life away) a loss of a pet, breaking up with a lover or spouse, losing a job, these are a few examples. However for me and my reaction the normal (by the way define normal…. Yeah exactly) reaction is I thrive under real pressure or loss.
My experience with the lows of bipolar may differ from yours, I’m here to share, to educate, communicate, and break the stigma. In order to do so we all must share. Find your voice share let’s compare then let’s see where we can all go from there. Thank you to those who took the time to read this.

~Bipolar Thoughts~Poetry~NJM~

Words pour out spinning in my mind

Gravity for these thoughts often impossible to find.
Subject to subject whirl in my head
Concentration is gone dead. Interruption easy I’ll spit it out quick, why? Because my thoughts are amazing more important than yours screw all these rules and your feelings too I simply lack a filter….apology not happening well later perhaps after yet more thought
What a price to be reckoned with it must be bought!
Jumping through constellations and flying past stars, the energy I feel could jet me to Mars. Hypomanic confidence seeps right on pass I’m certain if you don’t know me you would think me an ass.
Polarity at its finest as I try to refine, but all these thoughts and these feeling might leave me behind. Cohesive qualities try to keep me in tact but it is what it is this is a fact.
Would it be so horrible to just be this or stay that, well I must tell you I’d feel rather flat. I can never just be this or be that I am what I am a wonderment of confusion, I’ll make you see a flip side, leave you disillusioned.
It’s not that I’m trying to get in your head, see I’m already there you may think not, but I can spit out your words first seep in your mind and the words that escape you somehow I find.

~In the Grey~It’s Where I’ll Stay~

I’m in the grey…….
Grey Chasm swallows
I’m in the grey it’s where I’ll stay for now
I will not attempt to move quickly
Nor will I be rushed
Do I fascinate?
Do I invoke fear? Hate?
Perfectly negate?
Am I your guilty pleasure…
Is there no distance yet to measure?
I’ll create my walls
Build my tower strong
Brick by brick no matter how long
Exterior crusted over with
Innuendos and regret
I’m in the grey
I will not be pulled away
In this Chasm I will stay
Until I decide, until that day
You can not reach me… There is no definitive here
No truth or lie
If I want to stay until I die
It’s then a matter of choice
The beauty of my grey instilled in me a voice
Slowly it drips…..spill forth from my lips
Turning my words to black and white
Finally to distinguish which is wrong and which is right
But I shall not take flight oh no, I will move slowly with precision
At the end of the day it’s my decision
For now I’m in the grey area
Safely in my tower, walls erected
While my thoughts become collective
Selective
In the grey

~I See You~

I see you
You’re in my vision
Every place, every face
Reminds me
I see you
In my mind, my dreams
Awaken thoughts
I see you
Around corners, great distance
The sky
I see you
Up close, far away
From the window
I see you
When I close my eyes, then open them again
In the lyrics of songs
I see you
I hope, pray, live my life each day
Wishing, wanting
I see you
In every picture, every glance
This seeing is not by chance
Ingrained in me that’s what you are
I see you
I see you and wonder when
I’ll truly see you again
In everything, every place, every face
Haunting, always wanting
I see you
Always~

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~Let Me Introduce Myself, I am Depression~A must Read for anyone Depressed~

~You point out all the reasons to not be depressed. I see clearly the things you so readily direct my attention to.

What you can not see is for all the positives you see, there are negatives waiting to consume the positives you point out to me.

With brittle faith, and frailty  of the mind, the positives you refer to are impossible to find But wait… Hold on a minute, it could be far worse than you have.
Could it now? In this I believe. But often easier spoken than to fully receive.You must change your thoughts, don’t think about these things.
Oh, ok and again I can hear what you say. But shifting this mindset will take more than a day. It will only surrender when it’s run it’s course, after consuming the mind with regret and remorse. Shake it off already get over it, move on.
Oh, I see… You have not met me, let me introduce myself, get acquainted with you. In no random order I’ll make you feel blue. My name is depression, mental illness with no cure. To live right beside me you’ll have to learn to endure.
‘Ill make your decision making a complete udder mess, while you can’t decide which question to address.Remorse, despair, there with no hope, I’ll squeeze out your life until you choke… And then right before you take your last breath, I’ll decide that to today will not be your death.
I want you to be quiet, don’t say a word, it makes the goal easy, you’ll never be heard. Genetics is what I hear many say , is the very reason you are this way. But I’m no respecter of persons, not choosy one bit, I’ll  fester around you and in your mind I will sit.

Awaiting the circumstance to sneak my way in, and you’ll question the link of genetics again. But regardless you will not win, and I’ll  not give a clue, because its to easy to get within you.

Invisibility to me can not be acquired , nor obtained.  The seeds are well planted and I’ll make you feel that all is for granted.

I prefer to romance you, woo as you will. Tinker and tangle the web I can weave, and the beauty of all, is I’ll never leave. Not for long at least, but when I’m away, you might enjoy life for more than a day.~

~Knowing Pain~

Emotional harm, Physical waste

Uneasy feeling bitter taste

Fastidious fear cry your last tear

Instigate Trifling

Presence so stifling

Negligent actions

Daunting infractions

Militant persuasion

Every occasion

Breeding your strife

Sucking up the last bit of my life

Mangled, tangled, fingers strangled

Inadequate hope

You hang from a rope

Your pain

It remains

Its all the same

It hurts this scar

Covering the body

Clenching grip

Obscene utterance on tongues tip

All will come to know

Pain…….

Is it Friend or Foe?

Relief or Thief

Or just belief~

~Stigma~ 

Smeared dullness

Catatonic stare

That’s what they think

Washed out color

Long halls painted grey

Not a door insight

Ideas out of focus

Stifling, confusing

Lack luster,  incredulous

emotions …….Clawing away the life fingers scraping their nails jagged and bloody, threads unravelling.. like the sound of a chalk board being scratched.

That’s what stigma, bias does isolates you.

Yet I exist Wrapped inside this cocoon~

Generic and uncategorized yet longing to be labeled and in a category ~ oh wait, I am… I fall under stigma mental illness under my skin, unseen yet relentless in my mind there are millions of my kind.

One size fits all as long as that size is extra large as to swallow my frame,as well as yours.

Swallowing my existence whole~

Preferably invisible~

Left unseen~

To myself~

Designated ~

As is~NJM

~Purge~a Great Read~

Purge~
Trying to get the filth off

Within and without

Mind filled with sickening doubt

Walking in circles

Looking for miracles

None have yet manifested

You’re disconcerting

Deception braking connection

Indifference is contagious

Contagious and you’re attitude

Outrageous

Purge

Fighting the urge

To reach out

Yet again

Only to be sickened

By pathogens

Treacherous intent

Your Atoms and neutrons

Electrons spin in swirl

Protons completely out of this world

Yet…….from distance

Mixing within me

I can see

Sickened by your previous deception

Giving birth

bitter conception

To your evil heart vicious

And I’ll always be suspicious

Of why you chose me

Was your vision clouded?

What? You couldn’t see

What a beautiful heart beneath this flesh beating barely in my chest…….

Stop! I’m not returning!

I’m purging you out

Being sure

I stay pure

In heart

Holding this life together

Because you tore it apart

I’ll purge all the urge

To never get close to you again~

Not for Reproduction~