Loneliness~

Loneliness

A feeling so singular

A despair that numbs

No one around you

No where for them to come

Much less would you run if they did

Who can you trust

In this life you have to have one

At least they say it’s a must

Don’t believe them

There is……

A home that is lost

Friends walk away

Seems in this life

Nothing will stay

Alone

In silence

Able to just think

To sink

Downward

Into the pits of ominous clouds

Thoughts of a past screams out loud

People who loved you

Lied

None kept

All I can feel

Is completely inept

A fear that grips

A suffering so real

That all you have left

Is no way to feel

But alone~

“Overcoming the Overwhelming “ Can it be done?

Can you overcome being overwhelmed. furthermore…. can it be achieved for extended periods of time?perhaps always attainable? In my experience often times the only way to overcome the feeling of being overwhelmed has been to medicate. Right now instead I’m choosing to sit on the dock by the lake listening to the tide.But what is it that helps us feel more relaxed feel less stress have a sense of purpose that everything is OK? Where is the first place that you look? And when you look what is it that you find? And exactly where is it that you’re looking? Is it to God? Is it in a book? Can you find it in another person? Or is it always gonna have to be that pill?

See not only the mentally ill get overwhelmed sadly enough most of society is medicated……As it is most of society is definitely overwhelmed. Can we truly ever live in a state of peace honestly? And if we achieve it how long does it last? Suppose that’s the question that begs the answer. Can one overcome feeling overwhelmed? If you find the answer please contact me I’m dying to find out……literally

~The Art of Being Sorry in 4 Simple Steps~

The art of sorry in 4 easy steps…….

For the majority of us being sorry is something we often feel when we do something wrong. We often forget is that when we truly are sorry and we apologize to the other person with whom we done wrong too we open ourselves up for hurt.

Feeling regret or remorse or sorry is an emotion that humans feel after doing something against their lack of better judgment or against their values or morals…..basically in any circumstances that they should’ve acted differently in.

Previously I stated you open yourself up for hurt when you truly are sorry, you then proceed to tell the person with whom you have wronged that hey “I’m sorry truly sorry”

What happens when you are sorry 1. You say it and 2. Mean it and 3. Leave yourself open to the persons response there are no “but’s” or “Could’s” or “Should’s” or Would’s” 4. There is but one single statement” I am sorry” that is all that should come out of your mouth. Next you should prepare yourself to receive whatever the other person Has to say in response to your contriteness silently listening without excuses.

Lately it appears or so it seems that the majority of relationships that I engage in are all one sided. This makes for a lonely existence. Unfortunately however alone it may feel I am learning that it is necessary to limit those around you who continuously make excuses or are master manipulators at trying to always turn everything into their “reasons for” never truly being sorry , only wanting to explain why they did what they did… see that is not sorry, Or at least where I come from that’s not what I was taught.

So to recap…..don’t ever say that you were sorry unless it is the only three words that you were going to say to the person you wronged,there is no excuse for whatever you’re sorry for that’s why it’s called being sorry….So there it is 4 simple steps to the Art of truly being sorry.

~Truth Behind Secrets~

In my experience It would seem everyone that I’ve come across has some type of secret, someone tells another something in confidence and therefore it becomes a pact or deal of some type between the two and they call that a secret or at least my own personal definition, however we also have our own secrets the ones we never tell anyone about…..the ones we keep hidden dark and deep and inside of us. There is a purpose why some of us keep secrets to ourselves but why….. why do we keep some things hidden from everyone?

The purpose secrets serve is it provides a type of refuge maybe protection and self preservation. Oh screw it let’s google some info. Here is what the definition of a secret is = Definition of secret::something kept hidden or unexplained : mystery. b : something kept from the knowledge of others or shared only confidentially with a few. c : a method, formula, or process used in an art or operation and divulged only to those of one’s own company or craft : trade secret.

Hey I like that definition it’s pretty broad when looked at that way. The secret I’m talking about is the one you’ve told no one else about. What is it your dirty hidden pleasures or your sad wounded childhood? Did a neighbor,aunt, uncle or older cousin or any other person sexually abuse you? it made you feel ashamed dirty in fact perhaps…. I know, I’ve been there….and there are many ways to be violated and I understand why you sometimes never tell no one. You keep little bits and pieces. What are the things we hold secret only to ourselves? Is it the scenarios mentioned above? Is it like your stealing telling no one else, having an affair on your partner? Who doesn’t know? Do you stalk someone who fascinates you? How far will you go to keep your secrets secret? That also begs an answer.

first protection of some sort is needed to keep secrets secrets, the lengths one will go to too keep things quiet, well let’s just say some are extreme…..the question I ask next is what are the methods used to keep said secrets? Even as I write this I can’t even tell you the reader of the few secrets hidden I have and usually I’m an open book. One thing is for sure it’s my secrets and I don’t ever tell secrets it’s why they are secrets . The funny thing…. I don’t give it second thought keeping things to myself. It’s very easy….. used to be so hard when I was younger. Somethings are best left hidden and unspoken. But how do you decide which you confide in and those you keep to yourself….yes this is a decision and also a choice what do you know, how bout that you get both…. to either continue in secrecy or confide in another person your best friend if you have one… that is loyal and trust worthy and would do for you as you would for them. Perhaps. But deep inside my gut as I write this the chance that you have hidden information about yourself that no one else knows is staggering because truthfully we all have at least one thing we want to hide and that is the secret about secrets….oh and secrets aren’t good for your health either, but hey we all must die of something, so now ssshhh don’t tell anyone what we now know or may have already known. It’s our Secret.

Sent from my iPhone

~Rocks in my Mailbox~

And if I planned my exit, like long ago, would you leave rocks in my mailbox after midnight, While I take refuge in the safety of my room?

And would you weep? Would tears fall? Upon that grand exit.. Upon the great fall. Rocks in the mailbox after midnight is all….

I held your hand .. You extended it back. I wept at my stupidity you watched with curiosity. “What should I do?” That’s what I asked you.

Tapping your finger against your chin… “Hmmm”…was your response… “Lets see” and you looked down from my bed and stared blankly at me.

In the distance we heard the door close.. Our eyes they did meet, as we listened to heavy footsteps of the monster with whom I did sleep.

As accusation were spewed out the mouth of this man. And in my mind i can hear my heart cry….I don’t think I can take no more, I don’t think that I can. Not here, not with this man.

But he wouldn’t shut up, bulging eyes did he have… Looking like someone stark raving mad. But you kindly got up and followed him out…. Down those stairs to the floor down below, to fill your head with thoughts yet to know.

I stayed there in silence on the floor of my room. For he would not let me rest, no rest.. Antagonizing me.. Curses. Several hours later you left.
Sadly You left.

But come night…yes at midnight you see you gathered a rock maybe two maybe three. Must have been midnight. I could sense you. Yes I could feel you….

And I wonder as I sit here, sit here year after year.. If I found that exit I so often seek, I’ll leave no one here for my voice to speak. Will you find out? And when you do, will you weep ? Will my face haunt you in your sleep? And will rocks be left in the mailbox after midnight for the memory you will keep…even my door step….lay by my feet…or would you beg instead because my words ring in your head all those things you never ever said…..

……And would you weep? Would tears fall? Upon that grand exit.. Upon the great fall. Rocks in the mailbox after midnight is all….

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~The Depressive Side of Bipolar~

There are two modes of bipolar 1, as well as bipolar 2. In fact in all bipolar diagnosis you have two modes. Some of the bipolar labels have mixed modes which means being hypo manic and depressed at the same time.

I can remember clearly at the beginning of my diagnosis waking up feel grand happy, beyond happy, only to feel like suicide may be the only answer later in the day.
I’ve written a piece of what a manic episode feels like. I’m going to try to give you what the depressive episode feels like.
Unlike depression which is another form of mental illness, bipolar depression although similar is more severe.
So let’s begin. Please keep in mind these are my experiences.
It’s a subtle sneaky liar that begins softly in the mind, growing into a monster within hours. The littlest things can evoke tears and regrets and fears that on a scale of 1-10 it’s an 11. Which means it’s beyond the norm,
What I mean by littlest thing is the catalyst can be just the loss of something, something you feel certain you put there, such as a book or a your shoes. Why surely I remember clearly that’s where I put them!
Truth be told I just think that. Because later the item will be found. The item may often be very close by where I thought I put it, and as though I have blinders on I simply am not registering it’s right in front of me.
This begins the tail spin,then thoughts begin, you know all the reasons why everything is not right how could it be I absolutely know where I put this item, this thing.Obviously I didn’t. It seemed as though I did put it there, not the case.
The thoughts continue and start to make me feel stupid hopeless and disillusioned by all injustice I feel exist in the world.
Next my thoughts take me to what I like to call the exit door. The exit door is basically suicide. Thoughts seem to rationalize that being non existent will solve all problems I’m incurring. Not being around anymore I don’t have a meltdown and this sounds like a good idea, or at least at the moment it does.
I will lay down and begin what call the stages of loss. Anger, disappointment, the “Why me” syndrome, finally arriving at the fact that I’m afraid. Afraid of what you ask? The unknown, the lack of courage to carry out the task of going through the exit door. Yes, I just used the word courage. I wrote a long piece of why suicide takes courage. In order to understand you would not only need to read that piece, but be me, think like me.
This mode can last for only hours, a day, sometimes days. Then just like a snap of a finger abracadabra bam it’s all good again, life is ok and onward I go.
Normal reaction by those not afflicted with bipolar reach depressive states in extreme loss. Loss such as death of a loved one, a terminal illness that will take a life quickly ( by the way bipolar is indeed a terminal illness and can indeed take life away) a loss of a pet, breaking up with a lover or spouse, losing a job, these are a few examples. However for me and my reaction the normal (by the way define normal…. Yeah exactly) reaction is I thrive under real pressure or loss.
My experience with the lows of bipolar may differ from yours, I’m here to share, to educate, communicate, and break the stigma. In order to do so we all must share. Find your voice share let’s compare then let’s see where we can all go from there. Thank you to those who took the time to read this.

~This Empty Space~

I don’t feel you anymore This empty space you used to fill

To paint the picture in our mind

Those days long gone we search to find

Your image faded by years gone by

Your voiced muted

Your fragrance no longer lingers

Your thoughts no longer shared

Your laughter gone

I don’t feel you anymore

This empty space you used to fill

This empty space~