There are two modes of bipolar 1, as well as bipolar 2. In fact in all bipolar diagnosis you have two modes. Some of the bipolar labels have mixed modes which means being hypo manic and depressed at the same time.
Words pour out spinning in my mind
I’m in the grey…….
Grey Chasm swallows
I’m in the grey it’s where I’ll stay for now
I will not attempt to move quickly
Nor will I be rushed
Do I fascinate?
Do I invoke fear? Hate?
Am I your guilty pleasure…
Is there no distance yet to measure?
I’ll create my walls
Build my tower strong
Brick by brick no matter how long
Exterior crusted over with
Innuendos and regret
I’m in the grey
I will not be pulled away
In this Chasm I will stay
Until I decide, until that day
You can not reach me… There is no definitive here
No truth or lie
If I want to stay until I die
It’s then a matter of choice
The beauty of my grey instilled in me a voice
Slowly it drips…..spill forth from my lips
Turning my words to black and white
Finally to distinguish which is wrong and which is right
But I shall not take flight oh no, I will move slowly with precision
At the end of the day it’s my decision
For now I’m in the grey area
Safely in my tower, walls erected
While my thoughts become collective
In the grey
~You point out all the reasons to not be depressed. I see clearly the things you so readily direct my attention to.
What you can not see is for all the positives you see, there are negatives waiting to consume the positives you point out to me.
Awaiting the circumstance to sneak my way in, and you’ll question the link of genetics again. But regardless you will not win, and I’ll not give a clue, because its to easy to get within you.
Invisibility to me can not be acquired , nor obtained. The seeds are well planted and I’ll make you feel that all is for granted.
I prefer to romance you, woo as you will. Tinker and tangle the web I can weave, and the beauty of all, is I’ll never leave. Not for long at least, but when I’m away, you might enjoy life for more than a day.~
That’s what they think
Washed out color
Long halls painted grey
Not a door insight
Ideas out of focus
Lack luster, incredulous
emotions …….Clawing away the life fingers scraping their nails jagged and bloody, threads unravelling.. like the sound of a chalk board being scratched.
That’s what stigma, bias does isolates you.
Yet I exist Wrapped inside this cocoon~
Generic and uncategorized yet longing to be labeled and in a category ~ oh wait, I am… I fall under stigma mental illness under my skin, unseen yet relentless in my mind there are millions of my kind.
One size fits all as long as that size is extra large as to swallow my frame,as well as yours.
Swallowing my existence whole~
Trying to get the filth off
Within and without
Mind filled with sickening doubt
Walking in circles
Looking for miracles
None have yet manifested
Deception braking connection
Indifference is contagious
Contagious and you’re attitude
Fighting the urge
To reach out
Only to be sickened
Your Atoms and neutrons
Electrons spin in swirl
Protons completely out of this world
Mixing within me
I can see
Sickened by your previous deception
To your evil heart vicious
And I’ll always be suspicious
Of why you chose me
Was your vision clouded?
What? You couldn’t see
What a beautiful heart beneath this flesh beating barely in my chest…….
Stop! I’m not returning!
I’m purging you out
I stay pure
Holding this life together
Because you tore it apart
I’ll purge all the urge
To never get close to you again~
Not for Reproduction~
Hollow space where my heart did beat~
Memories flood but are mopped up quickly as to not leave a mess in the mind~
Words spoken can never be taken back, but can be twisted and sticky like taffy~
Relentless offense of a person she helped, held up in times of his need even married, but he kicks her as to crush her, to beat into submission~
Yet again she rises out of nothing higher, stronger, determined~
Battles fought given up to bigger things of God and men~
She often sits procrastinating, negating, this experience surreal almost fascinating~
Those thoughts that hang in the corners of the mind are chipping and torn like old wall paper that needs to be removed~
A longing, so long, that the word closure can not touch that which has been sought from long ago not just one closure but many, many doors need shutting~
Forever to be locked~
A love, one she would die for is the love of her son~
Yet another love she has lived with silently that can’t come undone… She often wonders is he the one? Was she hunted by him in a cyber like game, somehow it seems she was then his to claim~
Boldness, brazen and fearless yet
quickly brought to her knees when faced by each day~
Leaving no room to reflect and pray~
Nasty dirty towels seem to cover her path~
Her feet swollen bloodied by all the broken glass~
A single word, to describe all the pain, the word that causes tears to fall like rain~
Abandonment thats how it feels~
That’s the one word that always yields the fear and rejection of loves long dead, only memories now that live in her head~
It’s description so hollow and missing so much, the love, support, the long for a touch, that hand to hold onto, arms that are strong, she wonders each day just how long~
Will abandonment leave?
It hasn’t thus far, as far back as she thinks its the thickest of scar
She wears it like a badge~
Covers her soul~
Others quick to judge her know not of the truth, because abandonment started long ago in her youth~
A feeling so singular
A despair that numbs
No one around you
No where for them to come
Much less would you run if they did
Who can you trust
In this life you have to have one
At least they say it’s a must
Don’t believe them
A home that is lost
Friends walk away
Seems in this life
Nothing will stay
Able to just think
Into the pits of ominous clouds
Thoughts of a past screams out loud
People who loved you
All I can feel
Is completely inept
A fear that grips
A suffering so real
That all you have left
Is no way to feel
Colors outside the lines
This particular emotion is completely lacking…..
Lacking cohesive qualities
And the edges keep getting stuck in the door
At its most severe case it’s completely unsettling…..
And it’s weakest
Like sand mixed with cotton
In this sterile environment
I’ll await my next dosage
Hands heavy laden
Cracked around the edges
Layered with side effects~
Not for Reproduction~