~Another Day~

Another day
Is gone~
Melts into history
Of what is you and me….. Others
There is no going back~
Even more another day could be Tomorrow a step forward
Could be filled with sorrow
Or joy and laughter~
Another day
I may see you and you may see me
But life is fragile and one of us could Die, each day people die~
Another day went by slowly or so fast It blurs~
Another day a newborn enters the world and grows onward into another Day~
Another day to reschedule
To procrastinate negotiate ~
Another day to build upon to Strengthen that which you work upon~
Another day could change your life Within an instant~
Alter all you have come to know
Another day is what it is
A day that will lapse into or out of Another day~
Another day is a reference
Associated with a 24 hour time frame~
Another day could have passed or Could be the future because either way it will be another day~
Another day we can plan to do Anything we wish to do on another day~
Another day you sickened me your True identity, your lies and games, From another day~
Further still on another day
I loved you, but another day changed That, it made me love you stronger
Hope praying to be together longer Than another day~
Another day I’ll get to hold you at Least I hope to hold you another day And all days that tie into another day~
Another day I’m one step closer or I’m Farther away yet into another day~
Another day is the most you can Hope for, or it could be lost~
Another day to count the cost~
Another day came and went
Another day spent~
To live to see another day or watch The last one slip away~

~NJM~
Not for reproduction~

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~Life’s Blossom~

Like a flower unfolding
Slowly without notice
The blossom full bloom

Was always there the flower
Blossom full bloom
Like a firecracker released into the sky suspended

Gentle and soft petals drip rain
The foreboding rain of life’s cruelty
Flower of earth,color, so beautiful

Picked and trimmed and put aside in a vase. Time is short now life can sustain only when grounded to earth

Picked trimmed put aside as a spectacle, of beauty, fragility, and untimely death, death is never timely
But is inevitable…..

Wilting as each day brings to a close the mortality the death of something so amazing and beautiful~

Not For Reproduction~

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~Truth Behind Secrets~

In my experience It would seem everyone that I’ve come across has some type of secret, someone tells another something in confidence and therefore it becomes a pact or deal of some type between the two and they call that a secret or at least my own personal definition, however we also have our own secrets the ones we never tell anyone about…..the ones we keep hidden dark and deep and inside of us. There is a purpose why some of us keep secrets to ourselves but why….. why do we keep some things hidden from everyone?

The purpose secrets serve is it provides a type of refuge maybe protection and self preservation. Oh screw it let’s google some info. Here is what the definition of a secret is = Definition of secret::something kept hidden or unexplained : mystery. b : something kept from the knowledge of others or shared only confidentially with a few. c : a method, formula, or process used in an art or operation and divulged only to those of one’s own company or craft : trade secret.

Hey I like that definition it’s pretty broad when looked at that way. The secret I’m talking about is the one you’ve told no one else about. What is it your dirty hidden pleasures or your sad wounded childhood? Did a neighbor,aunt, uncle or older cousin or any other person sexually abuse you? it made you feel ashamed dirty in fact perhaps…. I know, I’ve been there….and there are many ways to be violated and I understand why you sometimes never tell no one. You keep little bits and pieces. What are the things we hold secret only to ourselves? Is it the scenarios mentioned above? Is it like your stealing telling no one else, having an affair on your partner? Who doesn’t know? Do you stalk someone who fascinates you? How far will you go to keep your secrets secret? That also begs an answer.

first protection of some sort is needed to keep secrets secrets, the lengths one will go to too keep things quiet, well let’s just say some are extreme…..the question I ask next is what are the methods used to keep said secrets? Even as I write this I can’t even tell you the reader of the few secrets hidden I have and usually I’m an open book. One thing is for sure it’s my secrets and I don’t ever tell secrets it’s why they are secrets . The funny thing…. I don’t give it second thought keeping things to myself. It’s very easy….. used to be so hard when I was younger. Somethings are best left hidden and unspoken. But how do you decide which you confide in and those you keep to yourself….yes this is a decision and also a choice what do you know, how bout that you get both…. to either continue in secrecy or confide in another person your best friend if you have one… that is loyal and trust worthy and would do for you as you would for them. Perhaps. But deep inside my gut as I write this the chance that you have hidden information about yourself that no one else knows is staggering because truthfully we all have at least one thing we want to hide and that is the secret about secrets….oh and secrets aren’t good for your health either, but hey we all must die of something, so now ssshhh don’t tell anyone what we now know or may have already known. It’s our Secret.

Sent from my iPhone

~The Art of Being Sorry in 4 Simple Steps~

The art of sorry in 4 easy steps…….

For the majority of us being sorry is something we often feel when we do something wrong. We often forget is that when we truly are sorry and we apologize to the other person with whom we done wrong too we open ourselves up for hurt.

Feeling regret or remorse or sorry is an emotion that humans feel after doing something against their lack of better judgment or against their values or morals…..basically in any circumstances that they should’ve acted differently in.

Previously I stated you open yourself up for hurt when you truly are sorry, you then proceed to tell the person with whom you have wronged that hey “I’m sorry truly sorry”

What happens when you are sorry 1. You say it and 2. Mean it and 3. Leave yourself open to the persons response there are no “but’s” or “Could’s” or “Should’s” or Would’s” 4. There is but one single statement” I am sorry” that is all that should come out of your mouth. Next you should prepare yourself to receive whatever the other person Has to say in response to your contriteness silently listening without excuses.

Lately it appears or so it seems that the majority of relationships that I engage in are all one sided. This makes for a lonely existence. Unfortunately however alone it may feel I am learning that it is necessary to limit those around you who continuously make excuses or are master manipulators at trying to always turn everything into their “reasons for” never truly being sorry , only wanting to explain why they did what they did… see that is not sorry, Or at least where I come from that’s not what I was taught.

So to recap…..don’t ever say that you were sorry unless it is the only three words that you were going to say to the person you wronged,there is no excuse for whatever you’re sorry for that’s why it’s called being sorry….So there it is 4 simple steps to the Art of truly being sorry.

~Breaking Bad~One Hundred And One Days of Hell~Needs lots of Work on this for damn sure~

I have thought over and over about the events that provoked my most recent manic episode.

It began on July 28 of 2018. Let me begin by saying that often extreme Manic episodes take time to build up to a Crescendo so to speak, to hit its high….. to hit the apex of insanity. Stress always is the catalyst, I hadn’t seen my son in months although I share custody. I was being parentally alienated, I was in a stressful relationship and I had to many people around me with drama,like mental vampires that suck all your peace and solitude away from your mind.

As I write this I realize that this may be too much to write too soon after these events occurred, events that should never occurred yet unfortunately did.

But I want to be brave and I don’t want what happened to me to happen to others, that is why I write this blog is to educate and share my personal experiences in hope that someone else can learn and understand bipolar disorder and posttraumatic stress disorder better. Read the links below this Is where 2 inmates died in less than a year in this jail because they don’t care and do what they want when they want. Why? They don’t listen nor care , See that’s another thing they won’t give you your meds either. I take benzodiazepines, you are not to stop abruptly or you could go into seizure and die. I know this happened to me once while baker acted I almost died because they wouldn’t give me my usual dose of benzodiazepine. Here is the article this only shows part of the negligence at Lake County jail

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.wftv.com/amp/news/9-investigates/lake-county-sheriffs-office-investigates-armor-correctional-following-inmates-death/760398047 and here is another story https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.orlandosentinel.com/news/lake/os-ne-lake-county-jail-inmate-suicide-20190122-story,amp.html

I lost a lot this last episode I even lost myself for a while. I should’ve been baker acted but instead I was taken to jail for 101 days of hell.

I was also tasered in the heart while seated in my vehicle by an officer who knows and is well aware of my condition…..my disability which is bipolar disorder and posttraumatic stress disorder and yet he treated me and my disability without regard. This cop has baker acted me before. The police report is full of lies all my stuff was stolen there were about 20 responders…. too many …. shit got all fucked up, and a lot of my expensive things are gone….. stolen. I even lost my car.

I can’t go into detail right now after a lot of thought, I also have attorneys they probably wouldn’t want me talk about my experience while they are investigating case numbers of complaints I was brave enough to report to a nurse who helped me.

I held onto that piece of paper with a single case number and the name of the officer who put me into a room alone with him present while I was directed to write all of the things that happened to me.

I remembering asking him after hours of writing “is that all I get is a piece of paper with just a case number no dates no nothing but a number and your name?” Seriously?” Yep.

I was called the quiet one in jail. I didn’t talk much and I never cried. Couldn’t I shut down. I had no emotion left. Most likely all the trauma. Upon release on November 5th still no emotions. Honestly I only started crying after I watched all of the show “Breaking Bad” I completely could relate to Jesse’s character at the end, he drives away, and Walter white (aka Eisenberg) is on the lab floor dying as the cops are coming. That was the last episode…..I could feel for the first time watching it as it ended Jesse did the most amazing job of hitting that steering wheel so hard crying and screaming from all he endured, I felt it in…..that moment and it all bled through and finally after 5 and half months I cried…… so hard.

One day maybe I’ll tell more. Till then you can fill in blanks or not.

Perhaps I should have called this Breaking Bad…. 101 days of hell..or

“Finally I Cried, I’m beginning to feel again. . Now maybe I can learn to write again I’m learning to live again slowly. Thanks for reading. Breaking Bad definitely…….

~I See You~

I see you
You’re in my vision
Every place, every face
Reminds me
I see you
In my mind, my dreams
Awaken thoughts
I see you
Around corners, great distance
The sky
I see you
Up close, far away
From the window
I see you
When I close my eyes, then open them again
In the lyrics of songs
I see you
I hope, pray, live my life each day
Wishing, wanting
I see you
In every picture, every glance
This seeing is not by chance
Ingrained in me that’s what you are
I see you
I see you and wonder when
I’ll truly see you again
In everything, every place, every face
Haunting, always wanting
I see you
Always~

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