~In the Grey~It’s Where I’ll Stay~

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I’m in the grey…….
Grey Chasm swallows
I’m in the grey it’s where I’ll stay for now
I will not attempt to move quickly
Nor will I be rushed
Do I fascinate?
Do I invoke fear? Hate?
Perfectly negate?
Am I your guilty pleasure…
Is there no distance yet to measure?
I’ll create my walls
Build my tower strong
Brick by brick no matter how long
Exterior crusted over with
Innuendos and regret
I’m in the grey
I will not be pulled away
In this Chasm I will stay
Until I decide, until that day
You can not reach me… There is no definitive here
No truth or lie
If I want to stay until I die
It’s then a matter of choice
The beauty of my grey instilled in me a voice
Slowly it drips…..spill forth from my lips
Turning my words to black and white
Finally to distinguish which is wrong and which is right
But I shall not take flight oh no, I will move slowly with precision
At the end of the day it’s my decision
For now I’m in the grey area
Safely in my tower, walls erected
While my thoughts become collective
Selective
In the grey

~Poe Park~

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Just as you are

How can you not see

just as you are

Is no better than me

You stood by the subway

Looking back

Your hair a mess

Where is the color

In your face

Where are you going

Why are you leaving this place?

Jeans are to big

You lost to much weight

I want you to know

Just as you are

I still love you

Drugs and all

Am I the opiate you had to leave

Was I your heart you wore on your sleeve?

Was it the cocaine fueled night

Downtown all that flair

Dancing and swinging

To the beat

Full of fire

Full of heat

If I’m your drug

Don’t detox me

I love you just as you are

See?

Our eyes glassed over we love the drugs hip hop baby like well dressed Thugs~

Feeling the textures

Giving the hugs

Drinking the water

Sweat pouring down

You were my king baby

You wore the crown

So you grab your glass of Macallan Whiskey you keep in your bar~
Take a deep sip

Then with a tip

You swallow the rest

Damn dear Darlin

This is not a test

Whiskey fueled nightmare

So where is your blue label scotch

Sure that will be next

Line of cocaine

And forget all the rest…….Of them

I sit on the benches

In Poe park

Children running

Dirty feet

Smudged faces

Where are you going

To what places

I love you just as you are

Like my Austin Sculpture art

Whimsical fantasy

Limitless treasure

How I remember

The museums

Our secrete pleasure~

I feel you used me like many before

You used them then like waddled paper on the floor~

You showed them out of your door

You were done

You took what they gave you

You had your fun

So here I sit in Poe park


Was I like them

Did you discard me

Like chewing gum

You had to taste

Then spit me out

Into the street

Where I got stuck beneath your feet?

I still love you

Just as you are

I’ll be in the park

I’ll bare the scar

My heart feels

Empty as you headed

Down the subway

You look away

I want you dear Darlin

Please stay

Sit with me on the bench

In Poe Park

We can be that sculpture

Living art

I still love you

Just as you are

Look for me when your back

I’m your brightest star

I’ll still be me

Only not free

And I’ll still love you just as you are

Not for reproduction~

~NJM~

~Little Deaths~& this one….

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I helped you Die those little deaths In your sorry existence

I gave you songs.

When you had no tunes left in you

I started to see the fire in your belly

And the steel running down your back

You were the most fearsome thing that ever lived

I know I breathed the life into you

I’m the one who awakened you However you started the fire

Now you must sleep
Embrace those little deaths

As a  reminder of

The memory

Of me

In you alive For Eternity~

Not for Reproduction~

~My Beauty~

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Don’t claim my beauty as yours~
I share true beauty in moments of Silence~
Windows left open~
Regard left unspoken~
The world at large suffocating~
And choking~
In those moments~
This is my personal fountain~
Calmly waiting without measure~
Don’t claim my beauty~
Disturbed by the static and the smell Of your burnt wires~
RSVP~
In the back corner reserved for one~
I Share my beauty in moments of Silence~
My beauty~
Ssshhh~

~What Does A Bipolar Manic Episode Feel Like~Bipolar Mania~

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Ok. I’m gonna take you on a tour to try and experience what mania feels like. I’m writing about my traits mostly, and a few small stories along the way with added visual effects. So come on in…..

IMG_2057So What does a manic episode feel like? Lets begin. The fun part:
(if there is such a thing) it’s like your on cocaine. So if you’ve ever done coke then that’s a good platform to grasp exactly how the early stages of mania feels like for me. Ten feet tall & bullet proof.

IMG_2058But what’s is the catalyst? For me
It starts subtly, but there is always a trigger. My trigger is extreme external  stress from specific conditions around me. So far this is what ignites the mania.

IMG_2059This stress will then manifest itself in Creative ways. First my interest in music increases. So much so that every song is speaking to me and was most likely written for me, and has special meaning that I’m obviously the only one able to receive the special message, the only one able to hear the encrypted meaning. I’ll think of a song I want to hear, I’ll shuffle my entire list of songs on my iPhone(740 songs) and about 9 times out of 10 the song I wanted to hear will be selected . “Wow that’s a connection” I’ll think. So now the universe is speaking to me through the songs as they play.

IMG_2060Next I’ll begin to have a pattern to my speech. Not only will I begin to speak faster but I’ll speak in riddles, rhymes and beats. I become the Dr Seuss of bipolar rhyming. And every word is profound and perfect. Why? “But of course” because its coming from me. I think to myself “it’s the nuggets of wisdom that fall from my mind, it’s the words that escape you that somehow I find” kinda stuff.

IMG_2061Then my sense of good judgement starts to breakdown and fail me. I’ll spend money on stuff that I normally would never do under sound mind. 

IMG_2062Then I continue to fall faster into the rabbit hole.

IMG_2063Finally numbers come into play. I’m a 0101 baby, born January 1st!  Alas I’m binary! And that ignites the magic around me. Things come to life and meaning can be found anywhere I look especially in numbers. Meaning to what? Meaning to life! How I can save the world! Wait I can’t even save myself.

IMG_2064
Then truthfully animals and insects begin to interact with me. Example honeybees flock to me. Yes this is for real, as well as wasps. Here is a photo of the one wasp that followed me back to my hotel room for my weekend stay in Tampa(by myself)  the wasp just chilled.
I put it back outside later. Now I’m the queen of the bees! Or at least for the time being this seems to be the case.
IMG_2065So I’m in Tampa(alone)Mania full swing. What’s next you say?
Next lets take life on a dangerous dare! I get into my car, decide at 7:00 am to go back home 2 hours away. But I’m gonna make it there in 1 hour & 15 minutes. Why? Well I can drive with such precision and ease when I’m super human. So much so that speeds of 100 miles an hour is achievable  once my mind, my body and the road, adapt to my driving style. Which I proceed to drive the entire way home at speeds between 90 to 100 miles an hour. Can’t let that speedometer not be on my lucky number!! 0101 my birthday, the encrypted magical message. thinks to myself “Must keep achieving speed of 101! I can do it!” And I did. Thank God I’m alive to recall this to you, and that no one was killed
IMG_2066Oh I forgot to mention I’ve not really slept the last 48 hours. IMG_2067Then comes the low. I just want it all to stop. I literally wear myself out to a point that my mind plays tricks on me. I lose concept of time frames.  Hours turn into days, days into weeks it seems.
IMG_2068And then darkness… Sadness. The gaping whole of humanity’s injustice sucks me into deep despair. So much injustice in the world, it takes me to dark cold places. “What’s the point” I think , I may or may not plan to exit existence… Where is that exit door? It’s just one action away.
IMG_2069Then I sit down and look around and the destruction of my actions lay at my feet all around me, I dare not try to list them, for there are many. 
IMG_2070Slowly I begin to gather the pieces of my puzzle and try to put it together again.
IMG_2071After weeks sometimes months of  seclusion, I slowly allow myself to go experience the external environment outside my front door.
IMG_0720The awe of Gods creation inspires me, and my Son… My beautiful son. He does not deserve this, I fall to my knees and begin to pray.
IMG_2072Yes there is so much more,  more stories to tell,  jaw dropping accounts of my madness and how it unfolded differently each  time, and the different circumstances surrounding each event. But my Son.. He does not deserve this and neither do I. So I press onward .. And remember there is never a dull or bored moment. Ever! That’s what it feels like.
IMG_2073IMG_0266IMG_0256 
 
 
 
 
 

~Being Open about my Illness~You’re Crazy~

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ImageAt the beginning of my diagnosis I was completely in denial. So although diagnosed, I did not even acknowledge my diagnosis for the first 4 years.

But now 4 years later I can look back and see that I fit the criteria of a bipolar person. With my acceptance came a desire to be heard and help others gain a better understanding of what it is to live with bipolar disorder. Just like Mill’s stated everyone has there own personal story, it varies with each individual.

I have only regretted it when I’ve been met with ignorance or indifference, or fear. I have indeed been faced with others who have not been educated in regard to bipolar as well as other mental illness. More people seem to relate to depression because more individuals are faced with it, as opposed to bipolar. I once wore the label of “clinically depressed” I was first diagnosed with clinical depression in my 20’s. It seemed I was openly accepted being clinically depressed.

Because bipolar disorder is related to extreme shifts of mood. It’s laden with many unknown variables. The sensitivity of the illness and its ability to shift in opposite directions, leaves others worried about your personal stability and sensitivity.
But generally I’m at a place in my life where I bare the label with openness and willingness to educate others and answer questions to the best of my experience and struggles.

Treatment and upkeep of the disorder goes along way with the stability aspect. When you have a good history of stability in regard to treatment, it helps others feel secure in reaching out to you. People are fearful of what they’ve seen or not seen or heard. When someone is exposed to me for an extended period of time, Barriers breakdown and a level of acceptance is then replaced with prior apprehension I was met with. Truthfully you can’t be bipolar in society without meeting some prejudice. I believe this is true for all mental illness, not just exclusive to bipolar disorder, but all. It’s not limited to just my label, but all mental illness labels, and autism as well.
Not for Reproduction~

~I want….You~

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I want short distance to close love, spontaneous outburst of affection not planned touches or moments, fast reflex amazing flexibility both internally and externally, truth always, no lies, crazy mad love.. the kind that legends are made of,not level headed well thought,yet always coming out right, tThunder I want Storms of flesh under sheets, I want Devine reward for a strength well mastered, I want change as long as it reveals beauty, to cry less, laugh more, long walks, rainbows 🌈 I want money lots of money just to share and not to care leaving all burdens behind, I want to be kind, even when someone has been careless with words and emotional harm, I want to see it my way, I want my way to align with what my God has planned. I want to be strong stand straight learn my best to not hate.

~The Struggle~

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It’s always some struggle, because there is always some fight.
It’s always a struggle in the day and at night.

Egos at play
Words you can’t say
It makes it easy for our hearts to stray.

I place upon you,
You place upon me
We can never seem to just let it be.

Twisting and turning convoluted
In fashion.
Lacking control and abandoned compassion.

Brutal in truth
Standing your ground
Ominous atmosphere
Thick all around.

Minds that refrain
Lives in constant pain
Lives in the struggle
The never ending strain.

Pitiful characters are what comes to mind.
Knowing the struggle they constantly find.

Not For Reproduction~

~I Want This~Doe’s it  Come In Pill?~Not Hardly~

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I want someone to love, to love me as I love them.I want someone passionate for me forever,now and way beyond the end. I want to  breath the air they breath. I want someone who’s touch sends electricity through my body and up my spine, gives me goose bumps from the thoughts of what we do alone behind closed doors, Is it asking to much for them to feel the same maybe even more? I am not up for anymore games…..

I  want to feel the adrenaline rush, I’m sure they do too…especially when the adrenaline rush is made by me and hopefully you(whoever you are)

I want a key you see made exactly to fit into you and you into me. Lacking in nothing complete oh so sweet, so cunning yet Devine the love we can make for the rest of time. I want someone to be like rolling thunder and crashing waves against me and my skin ….their skin….Us between the sheets,outside the sheets, I want to roll and crash and ride the waves with them. I want to experience something beautiful and unknown together. Shared with no other.I want someone to make me feel safe in their arms to feel safe from all harm.

I want them to feel safe with me and know I would walk to hell and back if I had too just for them to see.

I want someone who will not lie to me or hide things from me and Who will not be a drunk.

I don’t want to lie to them either don’t want no reason too. All emotional drama and junk be gone from my life, don’t need the discord don’t need the strife.

I want someone to hold my hand. I want to hold their hand too…….. until we are old until we leave this earth.

I want someone who won’t leave me,to believe in me, believe in my worth, as I will do for them.I want someone who will honor and respect me till the end. An ever burning fire, I want a relationship that won’t expire…..
I won’t ever leave them. Even in the after life and beyond we will dance that cosmic dance…..with my best friend my lover my heart.

This is what I want. This is where it starts….Now the standard I’ve set perhaps makes it a possible fact that you don’t exist that’s why we never met, maybe I’ve said all this because I don’t believe you exist, if you don’t exist then I can’t get hurt, and to me that’s smart, I’ll live trying to hold on to what’s left of my heart.
However………. the fact of the matter is not settling for nothing less , nothing less than best. To be clear without fear I often wonder if you are very near…. or perhaps you’re so far away and today is not the day it may be another….. well

I want someone that’s the total package too, as I’m sure you want that as well.

Tell me Is that someone you?

If it is I have waited my whole life for you as you have for me.

May our love be forever may we always be, happy, healthy, prosperous loving and free. Never wanting , always fulfilled.

To bad you can’t get this in a pill.

NJM~

Not For Reproduction ~