~My Beauty~

Don’t claim my beauty as yours~
I share true beauty in moments of Silence~
Windows left open~
Regard left unspoken~
The world at large suffocating~
And choking~
In those moments~
This is my personal fountain~
Calmly waiting without measure~
Don’t claim my beauty~
Disturbed by the static and the smell Of your burnt wires~
RSVP~
In the back corner reserved for one~
I Share my beauty in moments of Silence~
My beauty~
Ssshhh~

~Life’s Blossom~

Like a flower unfolding
Slowly without notice
The blossom full bloom

Was always there the flower
Blossom full bloom
Like a firecracker released into the sky suspended

Gentle and soft petals drip rain
The foreboding rain of life’s cruelty
Flower of earth,color, so beautiful

Picked and trimmed and put aside in a vase. Time is short now life can sustain only when grounded to earth

Picked trimmed put aside as a spectacle, of beauty, fragility, and untimely death, death is never timely
But is inevitable…..

Wilting as each day brings to a close the mortality the death of something so amazing and beautiful~

Not For Reproduction~

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~In the Grey~It’s Where I’ll Stay~

I’m in the grey…….
Grey Chasm swallows
I’m in the grey it’s where I’ll stay for now
I will not attempt to move quickly
Nor will I be rushed
Do I fascinate?
Do I invoke fear? Hate?
Perfectly negate?
Am I your guilty pleasure…
Is there no distance yet to measure?
I’ll create my walls
Build my tower strong
Brick by brick no matter how long
Exterior crusted over with
Innuendos and regret
I’m in the grey
I will not be pulled away
In this Chasm I will stay
Until I decide, until that day
You can not reach me… There is no definitive here
No truth or lie
If I want to stay until I die
It’s then a matter of choice
The beauty of my grey instilled in me a voice
Slowly it drips…..spill forth from my lips
Turning my words to black and white
Finally to distinguish which is wrong and which is right
But I shall not take flight oh no, I will move slowly with precision
At the end of the day it’s my decision
For now I’m in the grey area
Safely in my tower, walls erected
While my thoughts become collective
Selective
In the grey

~ Longing ~

Doth these depths
So greatly churn
As thy words swiftly burn
And yonder yet vaguely felt
Within your arms freely melt
It’s cohesive quality sinks right in
As your fingers grasp my chin
Turning my head you reach to kiss
But just as quickly I feel dismissed
Hide not thy love thy face
Hide not thy passionate deep embrace
I’ll not retreat in subtle glim
Bit by bit I drink you in
I care not think nor rationalize
While thought bemused conceptualize
longing’s breath doth take hold
As my words are swift & bold
My liberation in union sure
Never wanting nor needing more~

~Not For Reproduction~


~Being Open about my Illness~You’re Crazy~

 
ImageAt the beginning of my diagnosis I was completely in denial. So although diagnosed, I did not even acknowledge my diagnosis for the first 4 years.

But now 4 years later I can look back and see that I fit the criteria of a bipolar person. With my acceptance came a desire to be heard and help others gain a better understanding of what it is to live with bipolar disorder. Just like Mill’s stated everyone has there own personal story, it varies with each individual.

I have only regretted it when I’ve been met with ignorance or indifference, or fear. I have indeed been faced with others who have not been educated in regard to bipolar as well as other mental illness. More people seem to relate to depression because more individuals are faced with it, as opposed to bipolar. I once wore the label of “clinically depressed” I was first diagnosed with clinical depression in my 20’s. It seemed I was openly accepted being clinically depressed.

Because bipolar disorder is related to extreme shifts of mood. It’s laden with many unknown variables. The sensitivity of the illness and its ability to shift in opposite directions, leaves others worried about your personal stability and sensitivity.
But generally I’m at a place in my life where I bare the label with openness and willingness to educate others and answer questions to the best of my experience and struggles.

Treatment and upkeep of the disorder goes along way with the stability aspect. When you have a good history of stability in regard to treatment, it helps others feel secure in reaching out to you. People are fearful of what they’ve seen or not seen or heard. When someone is exposed to me for an extended period of time, Barriers breakdown and a level of acceptance is then replaced with prior apprehension I was met with. Truthfully you can’t be bipolar in society without meeting some prejudice. I believe this is true for all mental illness, not just exclusive to bipolar disorder, but all. It’s not limited to just my label, but all mental illness labels, and autism as well.
Not for Reproduction~

~Learning the Hard Way~Pain~

Drowning in your watered down words~in the sea of suspicions and doubt~
Stunned by your actions your lack of regard reverberates … Breaking sound barriers~
Best let it rest, no it’s not a test, most walked away its was for the best~
My illness is amplified by stress and assholes~
The very stress that assholes like you cause~
Separating myself from this realm

Of reality and dynamics shifting

On a ocean-less drift of emotion~
Cut paper thin then ripped from my personal thoughts not to be written yet spoken~
All that ever was now is broken, is that your beautiful trinket the parts of me you’ve stolen?~
I want it back, I intend to retrieve all you’ve taken I pray now I’ll receive and retrieve… at this particular time of my life it’s time to leave~
If I ever return I’ll know next time not to get burned… In the past trust I had to learn~