loves embrace
Be not hidden
Sounds burst
Color
Heart skip’s
Butterfly’s below
Vivid face
Contours and hands
My mind can’t erase
Lingering, wanting…
Own me
Kindred soul
Essence divided
Scattered feelings
Abstract emotion
Claim my hand
Hold my love
Dance eternally
Endure infinitely
Living this way
Doth these depths
So greatly churn
As thy words swiftly burn
And yonder yet vaguely felt
Within your arms freely melt
It’s cohesive quality sinks right in
As your fingers grasp my chin
Turning my head you reach to kiss
But just as quickly I feel dismissed
Hide not thy love thy face
Hide not thy passionate deep embrace
I’ll not retreat in subtle glim
Bit by bit I drink you in
I care not think nor rationalize
While thought bemused conceptualize
longing’s breath doth take hold
As my words are swift & bold
My liberation in union sure
Never wanting nor needing more~
~Not For Reproduction~
Don’t claim my beauty as yours~
I share true beauty in moments of Silence~
Windows left open~
Regard left unspoken~
The world at large suffocating~
And choking~
In those moments~
This is my personal fountain~
Calmly waiting without measure~
Don’t claim my beauty~
Disturbed by the static and the smell Of your burnt wires~
RSVP~
In the back corner reserved for one~
I Share my beauty in moments of Silence~
My beauty~
Ssshhh~
I’m in the grey…….
Grey Chasm swallows
I’m in the grey it’s where I’ll stay for now
I will not attempt to move quickly
Nor will I be rushed
Do I fascinate?
Do I invoke fear? Hate?
Perfectly negate?
Am I your guilty pleasure…
Is there no distance yet to measure?
I’ll create my walls
Build my tower strong
Brick by brick no matter how long
Exterior crusted over with
Innuendos and regret
I’m in the grey
I will not be pulled away
In this Chasm I will stay
Until I decide, until that day
You can not reach me… There is no definitive here
No truth or lie
If I want to stay until I die
It’s then a matter of choice
The beauty of my grey instilled in me a voice
Slowly it drips…..spill forth from my lips
Turning my words to black and white
Finally to distinguish which is wrong and which is right
But I shall not take flight oh no, I will move slowly with precision
At the end of the day it’s my decision
For now I’m in the grey area
Safely in my tower, walls erected
While my thoughts become collective
Selective
In the grey
Just as you are
How can you not see
just as you are
Is no better than me
You stood by the subway
Looking back
Your hair a mess
Where is the color
In your face
Where are you going
Why are you leaving this place?
Jeans are to big
You lost to much weight
I want you to know
Just as you are
I still love you
Drugs and all
Am I the opiate you had to leave
Was I your heart you wore on your sleeve?
Was it the cocaine fueled night
Downtown all that flair
Dancing and swinging
To the beat
Full of fire
Full of heat
If I’m your drug
Don’t detox me
I love you just as you are
See?
Our eyes glassed over we love the drugs hip hop baby like well dressed Thugs~
Feeling the textures
Giving the hugs
Drinking the water
Sweat pouring down
You were my king baby
You wore the crown
So you grab your glass of Macallan Whiskey you keep in your bar~
Take a deep sip
Then with a tip
You swallow the rest
Damn dear Darlin
This is not a test
Whiskey fueled nightmare
So where is your blue label scotch
Sure that will be next
Line of cocaine
And forget all the rest…….Of them
I sit on the benches
In Poe park
Children running
Dirty feet
Smudged faces
Where are you going
To what places
I love you just as you are
Like my Austin Sculpture art
Whimsical fantasy
Limitless treasure
How I remember
The museums
Our secrete pleasure~
I feel you used me like many before
You used them then like waddled paper on the floor~
You showed them out of your door
You were done
You took what they gave you
You had your fun
So here I sit in Poe park
Was I like them
Did you discard me
Like chewing gum
You had to taste
Then spit me out
Into the street
Where I got stuck beneath your feet?
I still love you
Just as you are
I’ll be in the park
I’ll bare the scar
My heart feels
Empty as you headed
Down the subway
You look away
I want you dear Darlin
Please stay
Sit with me on the bench
In Poe Park
We can be that sculpture
Living art
I still love you
Just as you are
Look for me when your back
I’m your brightest star
I’ll still be me
Only not free
And I’ll still love you just as you are
Not for reproduction~
~NJM~
I helped you Die those little deaths In your sorry existence
I gave you songs.
When you had no tunes left in you
I started to see the fire in your belly
And the steel running down your back
You were the most fearsome thing that ever lived
I know I breathed the life into you
I’m the one who awakened you However you started the fire
Now you must sleep
Embrace those little deaths
As a reminder of
The memory
Of me
In you alive For Eternity~
Not for Reproduction~
Ok. I’m gonna take you on a tour to try and experience what mania feels like. I’m writing about my traits mostly, and a few small stories along the way with added visual effects. So come on in…..
So What does a manic episode feel like? Lets begin. The fun part:
(if there is such a thing) it’s like your on cocaine. So if you’ve ever done coke then that’s a good platform to grasp exactly how the early stages of mania feels like for me. Ten feet tall & bullet proof.
But what’s is the catalyst? For me
It starts subtly, but there is always a trigger. My trigger is extreme external stress from specific conditions around me. So far this is what ignites the mania.
This stress will then manifest itself in Creative ways. First my interest in music increases. So much so that every song is speaking to me and was most likely written for me, and has special meaning that I’m obviously the only one able to receive the special message, the only one able to hear the encrypted meaning. I’ll think of a song I want to hear, I’ll shuffle my entire list of songs on my iPhone(740 songs) and about 9 times out of 10 the song I wanted to hear will be selected . “Wow that’s a connection” I’ll think. So now the universe is speaking to me through the songs as they play.
Next I’ll begin to have a pattern to my speech. Not only will I begin to speak faster but I’ll speak in riddles, rhymes and beats. I become the Dr Seuss of bipolar rhyming. And every word is profound and perfect. Why? “But of course” because its coming from me. I think to myself “it’s the nuggets of wisdom that fall from my mind, it’s the words that escape you that somehow I find” kinda stuff.
Then my sense of good judgement starts to breakdown and fail me. I’ll spend money on stuff that I normally would never do under sound mind.
Then I continue to fall faster into the rabbit hole.
Finally numbers come into play. I’m a 0101 baby, born January 1st! Alas I’m binary! And that ignites the magic around me. Things come to life and meaning can be found anywhere I look especially in numbers. Meaning to what? Meaning to life! How I can save the world! Wait I can’t even save myself.
So I’m in Tampa(alone)Mania full swing. What’s next you say?
Oh I forgot to mention I’ve not really slept the last 48 hours. 
Then comes the low. I just want it all to stop. I literally wear myself out to a point that my mind plays tricks on me. I lose concept of time frames. Hours turn into days, days into weeks it seems.
And then darkness… Sadness. The gaping whole of humanity’s injustice sucks me into deep despair. So much injustice in the world, it takes me to dark cold places. “What’s the point” I think , I may or may not plan to exit existence… Where is that exit door? It’s just one action away.
Then I sit down and look around and the destruction of my actions lay at my feet all around me, I dare not try to list them, for there are many. 
Slowly I begin to gather the pieces of my puzzle and try to put it together again.
After weeks sometimes months of seclusion, I slowly allow myself to go experience the external environment outside my front door.
The awe of Gods creation inspires me, and my Son… My beautiful son. He does not deserve this, I fall to my knees and begin to pray.
Yes there is so much more, more stories to tell, jaw dropping accounts of my madness and how it unfolded differently each time, and the different circumstances surrounding each event. But my Son.. He does not deserve this and neither do I. So I press onward .. And remember there is never a dull or bored moment. Ever! That’s what it feels like.
At the beginning of my diagnosis I was completely in denial. So although diagnosed, I did not even acknowledge my diagnosis for the first 4 years.But now 4 years later I can look back and see that I fit the criteria of a bipolar person. With my acceptance came a desire to be heard and help others gain a better understanding of what it is to live with bipolar disorder. Just like Mill’s stated everyone has there own personal story, it varies with each individual.
I have only regretted it when I’ve been met with ignorance or indifference, or fear. I have indeed been faced with others who have not been educated in regard to bipolar as well as other mental illness. More people seem to relate to depression because more individuals are faced with it, as opposed to bipolar. I once wore the label of “clinically depressed” I was first diagnosed with clinical depression in my 20’s. It seemed I was openly accepted being clinically depressed.
Because bipolar disorder is related to extreme shifts of mood. It’s laden with many unknown variables. The sensitivity of the illness and its ability to shift in opposite directions, leaves others worried about your personal stability and sensitivity.
But generally I’m at a place in my life where I bare the label with openness and willingness to educate others and answer questions to the best of my experience and struggles.
Treatment and upkeep of the disorder goes along way with the stability aspect. When you have a good history of stability in regard to treatment, it helps others feel secure in reaching out to you. People are fearful of what they’ve seen or not seen or heard. When someone is exposed to me for an extended period of time, Barriers breakdown and a level of acceptance is then replaced with prior apprehension I was met with. Truthfully you can’t be bipolar in society without meeting some prejudice. I believe this is true for all mental illness, not just exclusive to bipolar disorder, but all. It’s not limited to just my label, but all mental illness labels, and autism as well.
Not for Reproduction~
I want short distance to close love, spontaneous outburst of affection not planned touches or moments, fast reflex amazing flexibility both internally and externally, truth always, no lies, crazy mad love.. the kind that legends are made of,not level headed well thought,yet always coming out right, tThunder I want Storms of flesh under sheets, I want Devine reward for a strength well mastered, I want change as long as it reveals beauty, to cry less, laugh more, long walks, rainbows 🌈 I want money lots of money just to share and not to care leaving all burdens behind, I want to be kind, even when someone has been careless with words and emotional harm, I want to see it my way, I want my way to align with what my God has planned. I want to be strong stand straight learn my best to not hate.
Bipolar Tapestry~Poetic Thoughts 