~Being Open about my Illness~You’re Crazy~

 
ImageAt the beginning of my diagnosis I was completely in denial. So although diagnosed, I did not even acknowledge my diagnosis for the first 4 years.

But now 4 years later I can look back and see that I fit the criteria of a bipolar person. With my acceptance came a desire to be heard and help others gain a better understanding of what it is to live with bipolar disorder. Just like Mill’s stated everyone has there own personal story, it varies with each individual.

I have only regretted it when I’ve been met with ignorance or indifference, or fear. I have indeed been faced with others who have not been educated in regard to bipolar as well as other mental illness. More people seem to relate to depression because more individuals are faced with it, as opposed to bipolar. I once wore the label of “clinically depressed” I was first diagnosed with clinical depression in my 20’s. It seemed I was openly accepted being clinically depressed.

Because bipolar disorder is related to extreme shifts of mood. It’s laden with many unknown variables. The sensitivity of the illness and its ability to shift in opposite directions, leaves others worried about your personal stability and sensitivity.
But generally I’m at a place in my life where I bare the label with openness and willingness to educate others and answer questions to the best of my experience and struggles.

Treatment and upkeep of the disorder goes along way with the stability aspect. When you have a good history of stability in regard to treatment, it helps others feel secure in reaching out to you. People are fearful of what they’ve seen or not seen or heard. When someone is exposed to me for an extended period of time, Barriers breakdown and a level of acceptance is then replaced with prior apprehension I was met with. Truthfully you can’t be bipolar in society without meeting some prejudice. I believe this is true for all mental illness, not just exclusive to bipolar disorder, but all. It’s not limited to just my label, but all mental illness labels, and autism as well.
Not for Reproduction~

~Let Me Introduce Myself, I am Depression~A must Read for anyone Depressed~

~You point out all the reasons to not be depressed. I see clearly the things you so readily direct my attention to.

What you can not see is for all the positives you see, there are negatives waiting to consume the positives you point out to me.

With brittle faith, and frailty  of the mind, the positives you refer to are impossible to find But wait… Hold on a minute, it could be far worse than you have.
Could it now? In this I believe. But often easier spoken than to fully receive.You must change your thoughts, don’t think about these things.
Oh, ok and again I can hear what you say. But shifting this mindset will take more than a day. It will only surrender when it’s run it’s course, after consuming the mind with regret and remorse. Shake it off already get over it, move on.
Oh, I see… You have not met me, let me introduce myself, get acquainted with you. In no random order I’ll make you feel blue. My name is depression, mental illness with no cure. To live right beside me you’ll have to learn to endure.
‘Ill make your decision making a complete udder mess, while you can’t decide which question to address.Remorse, despair, there with no hope, I’ll squeeze out your life until you choke… And then right before you take your last breath, I’ll decide that to today will not be your death.
I want you to be quiet, don’t say a word, it makes the goal easy, you’ll never be heard. Genetics is what I hear many say , is the very reason you are this way. But I’m no respecter of persons, not choosy one bit, I’ll  fester around you and in your mind I will sit.

Awaiting the circumstance to sneak my way in, and you’ll question the link of genetics again. But regardless you will not win, and I’ll  not give a clue, because its to easy to get within you.

Invisibility to me can not be acquired , nor obtained.  The seeds are well planted and I’ll make you feel that all is for granted.

I prefer to romance you, woo as you will. Tinker and tangle the web I can weave, and the beauty of all, is I’ll never leave. Not for long at least, but when I’m away, you might enjoy life for more than a day.~

~What Does It Feel Like To Have Bipolar Disorder~

What does it feel like?
Like any illness in general it sucks.
Why? There is no cure.

When I first received my diagnosis I stayed in denial for about 2 years.
I mean who wants that stigma right?
Both my parents suffered enough with the illness, so early on I swore “not me” “I’m not gonna get it
Majored in Psychology to gain a better understanding , while earning my degree , I had my first bout. It was after finishing statistics in psychology.

I’ve been up and down all my life. Looking back I most likely lived with it for the better half of my life. The traits that others found endearing, such as boundless energy, the life of the party, ideas that were radical, spontaneous, whimsical, rhyming, the abuse of drugs, Was all cool and fun.

As I got older those traits turned from endearing to dark, and bold, and brutal.
Believing yourself to be a superhuman of sorts is not realistic. But I did believe this. I also believed many other non truths while in mania.

The low, the depression, it was real bad. So much so that suicide was a close friend of mine that I romanced often. Attempted twice. Hospitalized against my will because of it. Even wrote a large essay about suicide and how it is actually courageous and in no way selfish. I rationalized this by turning the selfish element on to those who would miss me, as being the selfish ones. And truly I still see it that way.
The only reason anyone wants you around them, although some may claim love, it’s that they need you, they want you. In that alone arises their selfish desire of needing you to stay here. I realize that this is a polluted thought , but it rings true to me.

Bi polar disorder skews reality, it blurs the lines, and we don’t always use nor have the same filter as those not afflicted with this disease of the mind.

But I always remind those who will listen that some of the greatest minds were afflicted with this disorder this disease.
Here is a link to see for yourself the list of many famous minds:

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/L…
In short it’s a slippery slope, full of wonderment,  energy, lows, depression, delusional thoughts. Sometime more creative, other times completely destructive. That’s what it’s like.

~Polluted Mind~

And so it was, this day
Unlike the other, I wake to find

The fowl stench of my mind
Stale and putrid

This place is familiar
A swamp of murky water

Thoughts are draped like Spanish moss suffocating an Oak tree

It Takes hold clutching my thriving soul
Pulling me , pressing

Sinking further, downward
Spiraling awkwardly
Falling……faster

Acutely aware of my condition
But gambling with my life
I throw the dice

Lacking all conviction
Unable to achieve the desired outcome

I will awake between this world
Hinged on each realm
by only one dimension

It’s cold, veiny hand
Will caress my brow

While quietly I resign
Only to awaken yet again
To this polluted state of mind.

~Suicide Tendency~ A Must Read~

The grand entrance will yield
Exquisite exit revealed
Choose which door
Dropped to the floor
And to think that it’s all seems a Complete bore….. This life so fake
It makes one wonder if life is to take? At a time of our choosing
And is it really this life that I’m loosing?
These Social niceties….
..These lies…
…This show is exhausting
Wearing these mask
It’s a grueling nightmarish daily task
Surreal Essenes clouds
eyes are heavy, as is the mind
And much of this seems to be a waste of my time
I’m gonna choose this door wisely
With swift conviction I will prepare don’t temp fate not on a dare…
my exit…
Or my entrance
Exquisite , Grandeur
Just be cautious
Tell no one that’s for damn sure
Silence…….
..Leaping into the unknown area
Exiting exquisitely
There, where all suicide tendency subsides
In this great unknown emptiness that deeply divides~

Not For Reproduction

~In the Grey~It’s Where I’ll Stay~

I’m in the grey…….
Grey Chasm swallows
I’m in the grey it’s where I’ll stay for now
I will not attempt to move quickly
Nor will I be rushed
Do I fascinate?
Do I invoke fear? Hate?
Perfectly negate?
Am I your guilty pleasure…
Is there no distance yet to measure?
I’ll create my walls
Build my tower strong
Brick by brick no matter how long
Exterior crusted over with
Innuendos and regret
I’m in the grey
I will not be pulled away
In this Chasm I will stay
Until I decide, until that day
You can not reach me… There is no definitive here
No truth or lie
If I want to stay until I die
It’s then a matter of choice
The beauty of my grey instilled in me a voice
Slowly it drips…..spill forth from my lips
Turning my words to black and white
Finally to distinguish which is wrong and which is right
But I shall not take flight oh no, I will move slowly with precision
At the end of the day it’s my decision
For now I’m in the grey area
Safely in my tower, walls erected
While my thoughts become collective
Selective
In the grey