~ Longing ~

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Doth these depths
So greatly churn
As thy words swiftly burn
And yonder yet vaguely felt
Within your arms freely melt
It’s cohesive quality sinks right in
As your fingers grasp my chin
Turning my head you reach to kiss
But just as quickly I feel dismissed
Hide not thy love thy face
Hide not thy passionate deep embrace
I’ll not retreat in subtle glim
Bit by bit I drink you in
I care not think nor rationalize
While thought bemused conceptualize
longing’s breath doth take hold
As my words are swift & bold
My liberation in union sure
Never wanting nor needing more~

~Not For Reproduction~


~What Does A Bipolar Manic Episode Feel Like~Bipolar Mania~

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Ok. I’m gonna take you on a tour to try and experience what mania feels like. I’m writing about my traits mostly, and a few small stories along the way with added visual effects. So come on in…..

IMG_2057So What does a manic episode feel like? Lets begin. The fun part:
(if there is such a thing) it’s like your on cocaine. So if you’ve ever done coke then that’s a good platform to grasp exactly how the early stages of mania feels like for me. Ten feet tall & bullet proof.

IMG_2058But what’s is the catalyst? For me
It starts subtly, but there is always a trigger. My trigger is extreme external  stress from specific conditions around me. So far this is what ignites the mania.

IMG_2059This stress will then manifest itself in Creative ways. First my interest in music increases. So much so that every song is speaking to me and was most likely written for me, and has special meaning that I’m obviously the only one able to receive the special message, the only one able to hear the encrypted meaning. I’ll think of a song I want to hear, I’ll shuffle my entire list of songs on my iPhone(740 songs) and about 9 times out of 10 the song I wanted to hear will be selected . “Wow that’s a connection” I’ll think. So now the universe is speaking to me through the songs as they play.

IMG_2060Next I’ll begin to have a pattern to my speech. Not only will I begin to speak faster but I’ll speak in riddles, rhymes and beats. I become the Dr Seuss of bipolar rhyming. And every word is profound and perfect. Why? “But of course” because its coming from me. I think to myself “it’s the nuggets of wisdom that fall from my mind, it’s the words that escape you that somehow I find” kinda stuff.

IMG_2061Then my sense of good judgement starts to breakdown and fail me. I’ll spend money on stuff that I normally would never do under sound mind. 

IMG_2062Then I continue to fall faster into the rabbit hole.

IMG_2063Finally numbers come into play. I’m a 0101 baby, born January 1st!  Alas I’m binary! And that ignites the magic around me. Things come to life and meaning can be found anywhere I look especially in numbers. Meaning to what? Meaning to life! How I can save the world! Wait I can’t even save myself.

IMG_2064
Then truthfully animals and insects begin to interact with me. Example honeybees flock to me. Yes this is for real, as well as wasps. Here is a photo of the one wasp that followed me back to my hotel room for my weekend stay in Tampa(by myself)  the wasp just chilled.
I put it back outside later. Now I’m the queen of the bees! Or at least for the time being this seems to be the case.
IMG_2065So I’m in Tampa(alone)Mania full swing. What’s next you say?
Next lets take life on a dangerous dare! I get into my car, decide at 7:00 am to go back home 2 hours away. But I’m gonna make it there in 1 hour & 15 minutes. Why? Well I can drive with such precision and ease when I’m super human. So much so that speeds of 100 miles an hour is achievable  once my mind, my body and the road, adapt to my driving style. Which I proceed to drive the entire way home at speeds between 90 to 100 miles an hour. Can’t let that speedometer not be on my lucky number!! 0101 my birthday, the encrypted magical message. thinks to myself “Must keep achieving speed of 101! I can do it!” And I did. Thank God I’m alive to recall this to you, and that no one was killed
IMG_2066Oh I forgot to mention I’ve not really slept the last 48 hours. IMG_2067Then comes the low. I just want it all to stop. I literally wear myself out to a point that my mind plays tricks on me. I lose concept of time frames.  Hours turn into days, days into weeks it seems.
IMG_2068And then darkness… Sadness. The gaping whole of humanity’s injustice sucks me into deep despair. So much injustice in the world, it takes me to dark cold places. “What’s the point” I think , I may or may not plan to exit existence… Where is that exit door? It’s just one action away.
IMG_2069Then I sit down and look around and the destruction of my actions lay at my feet all around me, I dare not try to list them, for there are many. 
IMG_2070Slowly I begin to gather the pieces of my puzzle and try to put it together again.
IMG_2071After weeks sometimes months of  seclusion, I slowly allow myself to go experience the external environment outside my front door.
IMG_0720The awe of Gods creation inspires me, and my Son… My beautiful son. He does not deserve this, I fall to my knees and begin to pray.
IMG_2072Yes there is so much more,  more stories to tell,  jaw dropping accounts of my madness and how it unfolded differently each  time, and the different circumstances surrounding each event. But my Son.. He does not deserve this and neither do I. So I press onward .. And remember there is never a dull or bored moment. Ever! That’s what it feels like.
IMG_2073IMG_0266IMG_0256 
 
 
 
 
 

~Mercurial Musings 101~

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I was watching ~Impractical Jokers~ on TV and the term MILF was brought up and used. Which got me to thinking.
I mean it’s not like I’m sitting around with nothing better to do than to write this kinda stuff. ( btw I have dibs on the term “kinda stuff”, and incase you don’t know BTW means By the way….. And by dibs I’m gonna trademark it) just so you know.

But these thoughts I’m going to share with you are the baffling complexities of a bipolar mind that thinks way outside the box, into the land of utter stupidities. My mercurial musing so to speak.

So I wonder in my moments of distraction Why is ILF exclusive to The letter M? Why not just say ILF that person then?

Welcome to ILF 101 (not at all politically correct sex terms) try to keep up. Ok here we go.

We are all familiar with the term milf.
Incase you don’t know the term it stands for “Mother I’d like to F;&!Ck.

We will keep Milf but label it as Milf 1.
The reason for the digit after the Milf is to keep order of the new ILF’s I’m gonna place in your mind by simply reading my ramblings. So be warned …exit now are forever lose the next few minutes of life you shall never gain back, and therefore be dumber than before you gazed upon these ramblings.

We have established the Milf1
But let me introduce you to MILF2.

MILF2 now represents Man I’d like to F;#!CK.

But we have only just begun to uncover the mystery of ILF.. Lets proceed, shall we !

You may be familiar with the term GILF which currently stands for
Grandmother I’d like to F;<!CK.

But the GILF is most surprising of all.
Why you say?Here, let me explain.
Is there not a Grandpa somewhere someone might want to shag?!
But of course!
Which coincidentally would be GILF2.
Which stands for Grandpa.. We can’t leave grandpa out.

But folks we are just getting started.

Some women may prefer to call a man a guy…… Yes yes you guessed it
GILF 3 which stands for… Guy Id like to F;~!CK.

But wait there is much much more
Lets not leave out the Tweens, that group of people who are above the age of consent 18 and older..You know the ones… .. Well maybe not, but they need an ILF too!

Enter in exhibit GILF4 yes 4 which is a girl I’d like to F;\!CK.

But hey girls we can’t leave the boys out. Which means we now have a bilf!
BILF.. Which by now I think you get the ILF… But incase you haven’t followed this chain of ILF’s it means
Boy id like to F;/!CK.

Then we have the ever elusive DILF.. Right ladies?

Dad I’d like to F;%CK!

Which then brings to thought WILF
Women or LILF for Lady..
I mean the list could keep going, suppose this is why I propose to just use plain ole ILf.. Makes more sense to me, but what do I know… I’m bipolar.
This concludes ILF 101

Please refer to as needed.

Milf 1 mom
Milf 2 man
GILF 1 grandma
GILF 2grandpa
GILF 3Guy
GILF 4 girl
Bilf boy
Dilf Dad
WILF Women
LILF Lady
So Juicey right?

~Finally~Legends can be Made~tweet tweet~lol~

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Every Penny Every Dime Every Nickel My Angel’s left behind to remind me…… ~In God We Trust~

So without further Ado ……………. my recent tweet~

2 separate cases but will go full circle~

First a big shout out to #God then to both my Attorneys #LarryCartelli and #Craig…no last name to the public on him..he represents in a level as Larry. As I pledged to my father in heaven, as well as my father on earth before he died, my Moncada bloodline will never want again~

A prayer of hope, love, desire despair~ update

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Say this prayer and mean each word you say. Love will come to you. It has for me.
Lord forgive me
I have to say

I never imagined life this way

One person can enter

Into a life

Makes you want to live

To give

To share and be free

Never ever again

Having to be lonely

This cross I bare

It’s becoming to much

I seem to feel so out of touch

I only want to believe

That someone will find me love me

And never leave

So this poker game has to end

I lay down my cards now

I have to fold

This old heart is getting old

I don’t know what will be

But I ask you let my soul mate find me

By the power of three

Let it be~

~Can a Person With Bipolar Lead A Normal Healthy LIfe~

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The Following paragraphs below were in response to a question Via Quora.com.
A women asked if there was any way someone with Bipolar Disorder could lead a healthy normal life (BTW What is Normal anyway?)The women had told me that her boyfriend was up and down, and a few times physically abusive  Below is my response. To her Question~
Yes, and no. It’s a double edged sword.
First it sounds to me like he is not managing his illness. The first step to mood stability is taking medication to level out the moods. This usually requires medication of the anticonvulsants family such as depakote, lamictal, topamax to name a few. Lithium is also awell known medication in regard to bipolar management.Next sleep is as important as meds. A proper sleep scheduleshould be in place. At least 7 to 8 hours of sleep a night. Otherwise moods become unstable and a manic episode will follow. Next exercise is extremely important. This gets the brains neurons and transmitter firing the right type of dopamine through the brain the endorphins get released. At least 5 days a week he needs to get a good strong workout in for no less than 1 hour.I mentioned the above because what you are telling me does not match up to someone working a routine to keep bipolar disorder managed. Anyone that has experience with bipolar would say that the three mentioned above are of the utmost importance.

Then you have alcohol. A bipolar person simply shouldn’t drink at all. However I personally drink an occasional glass of wine without repercussions. Remember that the variables are vast in management of bipolar disorder and each person is unique in symptoms and treatment.

 

 

Next meditation and spirituality go a long way, I pray each day upon waking. I meditate later in the day. I can not stress enough of how God has helped me. I realize not all share my view in regard to God. But hey it’s all personal and more importantly what works for you. I will say that when I didn’t pray and have faith, I was not a happy camper, and all the meds in the world did not make a difference.

 

Today I’m on an extremely low dose of meds. I only take 250mg of Lamictal, and 100 mg of Trazadone, Xanax only when needed. My meds are mild in comparison to others I know. It was not always like this for me. But prayer and spirituality centered me. Changed me.

 

Now if any of the above is not being followed to the best of ones ability, it’s gonna be one hell of a ride.

 

To answer your question, yes it can be done. But the management is a hit and miss. One has to be diligent in order to stay with the realm of reality, and to thwart mood swings.

 

What you are explaining almost sounds like rapid cycling. Truly your spouse needs to manage the disorder more closely than I suspect he actually is.

 

Also no form of violence should be tolerated. Period. None. I can’t stress that enough. Every time you over look physical violence it will increase in severity each time after until a deathly outcome may be achieved. You don’t want that, no one does. But a person in mania or hypo mania does not use logic or have the filter in place that those who don’t suffer mental illness have. So I severely stress again no violence tolerated!

 

I highly recommend couples counseling. A temporary separation while his medical issues are worked out and managed better. Also you should accompany him to a few psychiatric visits. Why? Because your reality needs to be offered up to the doctor not just his in order to be treated properly.
Besides this is a team effort. Support helps.

 

Research and read. Here are two books I highly recommend. This one is like a handbook for bipolar people.

Next one is ~Madness~ Marya Hornbacher does a phenomenal job of giving the perspective of a manic bipolar person. I just recently finished this book.

I will tell you, both books will give great insight and ideas to you and your spouse.

Now the flip side. If he does not take treatment seriously, and does not manage his bipolar, then the answer to your question is a firm and loud NO!
You will not be able to lead any type of happy normal relationship and life unless steps are implemented and treatment is followed.

It took 3 and a half years to get my life right. Lots of loss and heartache along the way. Many relationships lost. Financial trouble.. Just huge mess. Even jail time.

If I can be of any further assistance please reach out to me via private message. I am more than willing to help in any way I can, and point you into the right directions.

Also get online and look for support groups in your area.

Good luck.

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~Personal Quotes~Keeling it Real~ Stop living life on Hold~

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Ok these may be the final nuggets of wisdom that fall from my mind today~But I’m having one of those ~it’s the nuggets of wisdom that fall from my mind, the words that escape you that I somehow find kinda day~

~Stop living your life on hold, it’s time to hang up and try calling again~Don’t waste another minute take action~Never give up~

Not for Reproduction~

 

 

~Views About God or Lack Thereof~

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 Had a conversation not long ago with a dear friend I met via Quora, we have talked a bit through emails.

He was once a Christian, he now has abandoned his faith for the choice of being an Atheist.
We none the less still communicate… Not as often lately but none the less he has made a positive impact upon me, and although we have had some deep, deep discussion on things of spiritual nature, God, the lack thereof, we always walk away knowing we will be close although our views of God are different. With him being the lack of a God, with me believing in God. It’s a touchy subject you see, religious, political, racial, sexualpreference…poverty.. You get the picture. I’m am not gonna tag him, he will know when he reads this.. That it was my answer to a debate or conversation of sorts about why I believe in God. He sent a photo one day via email as part of an unfinished conversation the following words you will read was my response to the photo and what was(We finally To Just Agree toDisagree) our on going philosophical discussion of things such as atheism, theism, monotheism, pandiabolism( Fredrick Neitzsche actual stance was pandiabolism)

Yes, I see that, and what I’ll say is there will always be what you see above in those pictures, as long as you reside on this earth.This earth is governed by the law of free will. You are aware of this? I’m certain you are. Do you understand the law? That I’m not sure. You want to believe that God does not exist. I understand this, however I also see a conflict in you ,a reflection so to speak. You want others to validate your belief. Why? Because if morepeople share your belief it makes it real for you. That’s fine. As long as we are here in this realm, on this earth, we will continue to see pain and suffering. God will not intervene where he has given men charge. This earth was given over to humans long ago. The challenge with the above picture is for those same men to rise up and use the power of will, the power God gave to change the above picture. This of course will never happen on earth, why? Because our conversation is a pure example. We can’t agree.Because there is not a firm and positive agreement, and never has been, therefore conflict, strife, discord, suffering and pain, will all exist… That is as long as humans are left to there own devices, to govern their own will. Which God did do. Change for the above photo will only occur if everyone agrees… Which will not happen, as previously stated. Life is not a one size fits all. If it were, it would be boring, if we never knew suffering, then we could never understand the beauty and joy, vice versa. I’m always gonna have a rebuttal as you will too, why? Because as I beautifully stated… We won’t agree. That’s the sadness of it all.
But it is life here on earth. It is what it is. Accept it or don’t. It’s all down to a choice, a view.

~When was Bipolar Discovered~

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Bipolar disorder is not so much discovered as it did exist throughout time. Dated back to Ancient Greece where Aretaeus of Cappadocia, who was a physician and philosopher in the time of Nero or Vespasian (first century AD) had observed patients that would dance and play all night for days even. Then without notice change to dull and somber and weeping.

It has always been there, just not yet labeled as such. 
In the early nineteen hundreds the term was called “Manic Depressive” in order to give a term to the manic side of mania and its counterpart depression

. 
 In 1854, Jules Baillarger (1809–1890) and Jean-Pierre Falret (1794–1870) both presented psychiatric terms and writing about the illness called ~dual insanity ~ 

It was In the early 1900s the eminent German psychiatrist Emil Kraepelin (1856–1926) coined the term that would be used to describe what we know as bipolar today. He called it ~manic depression~ 

It was not until the 1950’s that the terms for the illness went between using ~manic depressive~ to bipolar affective disorder ~ it was proposed by German psychiatrist Karl Leonhard in 1957.

So it truly has always been an illness, like all other illness that has also been around for ages. There is no definitive answer to exactly when it was discovered. Much like diabetes and cancer.. I don’t think we know who exactly discovered those either.