Doth these depths So greatly churn As thy words swiftly burn And yonder yet vaguely felt Within your arms freely melt It’s cohesive quality sinks right in As your fingers grasp my chin Turning my head you reach to kiss But just as quickly I feel dismissed Hide not thy love thy face Hide not thy passionate deep embrace I’ll not retreat in subtle glim Bit by bit I drink you in I care not think nor rationalize While thought bemused conceptualize longing’s breath doth take hold As my words are swift & bold My liberation in union sure Never wanting nor needing more~
Ok. I’m gonna take you on a tour to try and experience what mania feels like. I’m writing about my traits mostly, and a few small stories along the way with added visual effects. So come on in…..
So What does a manic episode feel like? Lets begin. The fun part: (if there is such a thing) it’s like your on cocaine. So if you’ve ever done coke then that’s a good platform to grasp exactly how the early stages of mania feels like for me. Ten feet tall & bullet proof.
But what’s is the catalyst? For me It starts subtly, but there is always a trigger. My trigger is extreme external stress from specific conditions around me. So far this is what ignites the mania.
This stress will then manifest itself in Creative ways. First my interest in music increases. So much so that every song is speaking to me and was most likely written for me, and has special meaning that I’m obviously the only one able to receive the special message, the only one able to hear the encrypted meaning. I’ll think of a song I want to hear, I’ll shuffle my entire list of songs on my iPhone(740 songs) and about 9 times out of 10 the song I wanted to hear will be selected . “Wow that’s a connection” I’ll think. So now the universe is speaking to me through the songs as they play.
Next I’ll begin to have a pattern to my speech. Not only will I begin to speak faster but I’ll speak in riddles, rhymes and beats. I become the Dr Seuss of bipolar rhyming. And every word is profound and perfect. Why? “But of course” because its coming from me. I think to myself “it’s the nuggets of wisdom that fall from my mind, it’s the words that escape you that somehow I find” kinda stuff.
Then my sense of good judgement starts to breakdown and fail me. I’ll spend money on stuff that I normally would never do under sound mind.
Then I continue to fall faster into the rabbit hole.
Finally numbers come into play. I’m a 0101 baby, born January 1st! Alas I’m binary! And that ignites the magic around me. Things come to life and meaning can be found anywhere I look especially in numbers. Meaning to what? Meaning to life! How I can save the world! Wait I can’t even save myself.
Then truthfully animals and insects begin to interact with me. Example honeybees flock to me. Yes this is for real, as well as wasps. Here is a photo of the one wasp that followed me back to my hotel room for my weekend stay in Tampa(by myself) the wasp just chilled. I put it back outside later. Now I’m the queen of the bees! Or at least for the time being this seems to be the case.
So I’m in Tampa(alone)Mania full swing. What’s next you say? Next lets take life on a dangerous dare! I get into my car, decide at 7:00 am to go back home 2 hours away. But I’m gonna make it there in 1 hour & 15 minutes. Why? Well I can drive with such precision and ease when I’m super human. So much so that speeds of 100 miles an hour is achievable once my mind, my body and the road, adapt to my driving style. Which I proceed to drive the entire way home at speeds between 90 to 100 miles an hour. Can’t let that speedometer not be on my lucky number!! 0101 my birthday, the encrypted magical message. thinks to myself “Must keep achieving speed of 101! I can do it!” And I did. Thank God I’m alive to recall this to you, and that no one was killed
Oh I forgot to mention I’ve not really slept the last 48 hours. Then comes the low. I just want it all to stop. I literally wear myself out to a point that my mind plays tricks on me. I lose concept of time frames. Hours turn into days, days into weeks it seems.
And then darkness… Sadness. The gaping whole of humanity’s injustice sucks me into deep despair. So much injustice in the world, it takes me to dark cold places. “What’s the point” I think , I may or may not plan to exit existence… Where is that exit door? It’s just one action away.
Then I sit down and look around and the destruction of my actions lay at my feet all around me, I dare not try to list them, for there are many.
Slowly I begin to gather the pieces of my puzzle and try to put it together again.
After weeks sometimes months of seclusion, I slowly allow myself to go experience the external environment outside my front door.
The awe of Gods creation inspires me, and my Son… My beautiful son. He does not deserve this, I fall to my knees and begin to pray.
Yes there is so much more, more stories to tell, jaw dropping accounts of my madness and how it unfolded differently each time, and the different circumstances surrounding each event. But my Son.. He does not deserve this and neither do I. So I press onward .. And remember there is never a dull or bored moment. Ever! That’s what it feels like.
The grand entrance will yield Exquisite exit revealed
Choose which door
Dropped to the floor
And to think that it’s all seems a Complete bore….. This life so fake
It makes one wonder if life is to take? At a time of our choosing
And is it really this life that I’m loosing?
These Social niceties….
…This show is exhausting
Wearing these mask
It’s a grueling nightmarish daily task
Surreal Essenes clouds
eyes are heavy, as is the mind
And much of this seems to be a waste of my time
I’m gonna choose this door wisely
With swift conviction I will prepare don’t temp fate not on a dare…
Or my entrance
Exquisite , Grandeur
Just be cautious
Tell no one that’s for damn sure
..Leaping into the unknown area
There, where all suicide tendency subsides
In this great unknown emptiness that deeply divides~
Every Penny Every Dime Every Nickel My Angel’s left behind to remind me…… ~In God We Trust~
So without further Ado ……………. my recent tweet~
2 separate cases but will go full circle~
First a big shout out to #God then to both my Attorneys #LarryCartelli and #Craig…no last name to the public on him..he represents in a level as Larry. As I pledged to my father in heaven, as well as my father on earth before he died, my Moncada bloodline will never want again~
This gun is my friend, as you well see I kiss the end, of what is you and of me…..
It sits there like some offensive reminder ….. of exit door
But courage it takes
So I take that picture then I quietly think….. If I could ever get out from under the weight of this garbage Maybe then I’d let the combustion out… The steam roll off this sweltering pile of debri which is my life Just my reflection in The mirror is a contradiction There is some sort of power in the weight of my words, it’s like it spills forth from a spring of knowledge of some unknown source from my lips these thoughts drip~my Catherism speaks to me, I dare not protest
I realiz I could be like the rest however~ These words are a strange comfort to me, they will be waiting for me long after everyone else is gone.. They are solidly spoken.. Insight in times that are baffling yet enlightening~ and I kiss the tip of my gun all is real, not for fun~
Ok these may be the final nuggets of wisdom that fall from my mind today~But I’m having one of those ~it’s the nuggets of wisdom that fall from my mind, the words that escape you that I somehow find kinda day~
~Stop living your life on hold, it’s time to hang up and try calling again~Don’t waste another minute take action~Never give up~