~Polluted Mind~

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And so it was, this day
Unlike the other, I wake to find

The fowl stench of my mind
Stale and putrid

This place is familiar
A swamp of murky water

Thoughts are draped like Spanish moss suffocating an Oak tree

It Takes hold clutching my thriving soul
Pulling me , pressing

Sinking further, downward
Spiraling awkwardly
Falling……faster

Acutely aware of my condition
But gambling with my life
I throw the dice

Lacking all conviction
Unable to achieve the desired outcome

I will awake between this world
Hinged on each realm
by only one dimension

It’s cold, veiny hand
Will caress my brow

While quietly I resign
Only to awaken yet again
To this polluted state of mind.

~In the Grey~It’s Where I’ll Stay~

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I’m in the grey…….
Grey Chasm swallows
I’m in the grey it’s where I’ll stay for now
I will not attempt to move quickly
Nor will I be rushed
Do I fascinate?
Do I invoke fear? Hate?
Perfectly negate?
Am I your guilty pleasure…
Is there no distance yet to measure?
I’ll create my walls
Build my tower strong
Brick by brick no matter how long
Exterior crusted over with
Innuendos and regret
I’m in the grey
I will not be pulled away
In this Chasm I will stay
Until I decide, until that day
You can not reach me… There is no definitive here
No truth or lie
If I want to stay until I die
It’s then a matter of choice
The beauty of my grey instilled in me a voice
Slowly it drips…..spill forth from my lips
Turning my words to black and white
Finally to distinguish which is wrong and which is right
But I shall not take flight oh no, I will move slowly with precision
At the end of the day it’s my decision
For now I’m in the grey area
Safely in my tower, walls erected
While my thoughts become collective
Selective
In the grey

~What Does It Feel Like To Have Bipolar Disorder~

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What does it feel like?
Like any illness in general it sucks.
Why? There is no cure.

When I first received my diagnosis I stayed in denial for about 2 years.
I mean who wants that stigma right?
Both my parents suffered enough with the illness, so early on I swore “not me” “I’m not gonna get it“
Majored in Psychology to gain a better understanding , while earning my degree , I had my first bout. It was after finishing statistics in psychology.

I’ve been up and down all my life. Looking back I most likely lived with it for the better half of my life. The traits that others found endearing, such as boundless energy, the life of the party, ideas that were radical, spontaneous, whimsical, rhyming, the abuse of drugs, Was all cool and fun.

As I got older those traits turned from endearing to dark, and bold, and brutal.
Believing yourself to be a superhuman of sorts is not realistic. But I did believe this. I also believed many other non truths while in mania.

The low, the depression, it was real bad. So much so that suicide was a close friend of mine that I romanced often. Attempted twice. Hospitalized against my will because of it. Even wrote a large essay about suicide and how it is actually courageous and in no way selfish. I rationalized this by turning the selfish element on to those who would miss me, as being the selfish ones. And truly I still see it that way.
The only reason anyone wants you around them, although some may claim love, it’s that they need you, they want you. In that alone arises their selfish desire of needing you to stay here. I realize that this is a polluted thought , but it rings true to me.

Bi polar disorder skews reality, it blurs the lines, and we don’t always use nor have the same filter as those not afflicted with this disease of the mind.

But I always remind those who will listen that some of the greatest minds were afflicted with this disorder this disease.
Here is a link to see for yourself the list of many famous minds:

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/L…
In short it’s a slippery slope, full of wonderment,  energy, lows, depression, delusional thoughts. Sometime more creative, other times completely destructive. That’s what it’s like.

~What Does A Bipolar Manic Episode Feel Like~Bipolar Mania~

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Ok. I’m gonna take you on a tour to try and experience what mania feels like. I’m writing about my traits mostly, and a few small stories along the way with added visual effects. So come on in…..

IMG_2057So What does a manic episode feel like? Lets begin. The fun part:
(if there is such a thing) it’s like your on cocaine. So if you’ve ever done coke then that’s a good platform to grasp exactly how the early stages of mania feels like for me. Ten feet tall & bullet proof.

IMG_2058But what’s is the catalyst? For me
It starts subtly, but there is always a trigger. My trigger is extreme external  stress from specific conditions around me. So far this is what ignites the mania.

IMG_2059This stress will then manifest itself in Creative ways. First my interest in music increases. So much so that every song is speaking to me and was most likely written for me, and has special meaning that I’m obviously the only one able to receive the special message, the only one able to hear the encrypted meaning. I’ll think of a song I want to hear, I’ll shuffle my entire list of songs on my iPhone(740 songs) and about 9 times out of 10 the song I wanted to hear will be selected . “Wow that’s a connection” I’ll think. So now the universe is speaking to me through the songs as they play.

IMG_2060Next I’ll begin to have a pattern to my speech. Not only will I begin to speak faster but I’ll speak in riddles, rhymes and beats. I become the Dr Seuss of bipolar rhyming. And every word is profound and perfect. Why? “But of course” because its coming from me. I think to myself “it’s the nuggets of wisdom that fall from my mind, it’s the words that escape you that somehow I find” kinda stuff.

IMG_2061Then my sense of good judgement starts to breakdown and fail me. I’ll spend money on stuff that I normally would never do under sound mind. 

IMG_2062Then I continue to fall faster into the rabbit hole.

IMG_2063Finally numbers come into play. I’m a 0101 baby, born January 1st!  Alas I’m binary! And that ignites the magic around me. Things come to life and meaning can be found anywhere I look especially in numbers. Meaning to what? Meaning to life! How I can save the world! Wait I can’t even save myself.

IMG_2064
Then truthfully animals and insects begin to interact with me. Example honeybees flock to me. Yes this is for real, as well as wasps. Here is a photo of the one wasp that followed me back to my hotel room for my weekend stay in Tampa(by myself)  the wasp just chilled.
I put it back outside later. Now I’m the queen of the bees! Or at least for the time being this seems to be the case.
IMG_2065So I’m in Tampa(alone)Mania full swing. What’s next you say?
Next lets take life on a dangerous dare! I get into my car, decide at 7:00 am to go back home 2 hours away. But I’m gonna make it there in 1 hour & 15 minutes. Why? Well I can drive with such precision and ease when I’m super human. So much so that speeds of 100 miles an hour is achievable  once my mind, my body and the road, adapt to my driving style. Which I proceed to drive the entire way home at speeds between 90 to 100 miles an hour. Can’t let that speedometer not be on my lucky number!! 0101 my birthday, the encrypted magical message. thinks to myself “Must keep achieving speed of 101! I can do it!” And I did. Thank God I’m alive to recall this to you, and that no one was killed
IMG_2066Oh I forgot to mention I’ve not really slept the last 48 hours. IMG_2067Then comes the low. I just want it all to stop. I literally wear myself out to a point that my mind plays tricks on me. I lose concept of time frames.  Hours turn into days, days into weeks it seems.
IMG_2068And then darkness… Sadness. The gaping whole of humanity’s injustice sucks me into deep despair. So much injustice in the world, it takes me to dark cold places. “What’s the point” I think , I may or may not plan to exit existence… Where is that exit door? It’s just one action away.
IMG_2069Then I sit down and look around and the destruction of my actions lay at my feet all around me, I dare not try to list them, for there are many. 
IMG_2070Slowly I begin to gather the pieces of my puzzle and try to put it together again.
IMG_2071After weeks sometimes months of  seclusion, I slowly allow myself to go experience the external environment outside my front door.
IMG_0720The awe of Gods creation inspires me, and my Son… My beautiful son. He does not deserve this, I fall to my knees and begin to pray.
IMG_2072Yes there is so much more,  more stories to tell,  jaw dropping accounts of my madness and how it unfolded differently each  time, and the different circumstances surrounding each event. But my Son.. He does not deserve this and neither do I. So I press onward .. And remember there is never a dull or bored moment. Ever! That’s what it feels like.
IMG_2073IMG_0266IMG_0256 
 
 
 
 
 

~Inspiration~

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My inspiration my muse

You are the rain tapping

On the tin roof

As thunder rolls above

The sheer silence

Your soft whisper

The sun glistening upon leaves

Peaking through clouds

The way he looked at me

The way he touches

His smell

Those eyes

The way the child smiled at me

The book I have read

Thoughts left unsaid

Books still on a shelf

The passion once felt

The love I have

The pain I endured

The doves cooing

The birds chirping

The wind that blew by

The beautiful blue sky

The perfect storm

Lightening strikes

The lyrics to a song

Played in my mind all life long

Life how it sometimes goes wrong

The crush I may have

Conversations that have ended awkwardly

Trees and their amazing strength

Their roots

The touch of a friend who taps your shoulder

The fact that we are all getting older

The smell of rain

The touch of my pets fur

The painting at the museum

The words beautiful explanations

Brought to life

The questions

The oceans

The rivers & Lakes

All Gods creatures

Including the snake

Inspiration is all around

Even your feet on the ground

Sand between my toes

The skip in my jump

Fire & ice

How to entice

Elements and beauty all around

That’s where my inspiration is found~

~Bipolar Thoughts~Thoughts bemused~

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~Machinations
Eclectic mind
So random without order
Content unknown
Images flash
Strewn about thoughts
Racing fast,
Flooding my brain invading
Concepts to conceptualize
Twisting
There is no pause
No stillness
To much to contemplate
Subjects subjective
Bursting
Perception yet perceived
By Intent
Only to be Crystallized~