~Restless sleep full Moon~

I can’t sleep. The full moon brings energy. Further more I was attacked physically by my WASBAND.

Yes wasband. Not x husband he is a was now no longer.

I am sure my PTSD IS FULL FLARE and I’m alert waiting thinking and having night terrors.

I’m watching karma eat him up, I don’t want my son to be a casualty.

But he has been mind Fucked to a point of a possible NO RETURN. It’s killing me inside.

That’s all I can say. I ask that you pray. Pray for my son, to have clarity of mind and safety.

Well insomniac signing off. Forgive typos I am writing in the dark.

~~Endless Exits~

This gun is my friend, as you well see I kiss the end, of what is you and of me…..

It sits there like some offensive reminder ….. of exit door

But courage it takes

So I take that picture  then I quietly think…..
If I could ever get out from under the weight of this garbage
Maybe then I’d let the combustion out…
The steam roll off this sweltering pile of debri which is my life
Just my reflection in
The mirror is a contradiction
There is some sort of power in the weight of my words, it’s like it spills forth from a spring of knowledge of some unknown source from my lips these thoughts drip~my Catherism  speaks to me, I dare not protest

I realiz I could be like the rest however~
These words are a strange comfort to me, they will be waiting for me long after everyone else is gone.. They are solidly spoken.. Insight in times that are baffling yet enlightening~ and I kiss the tip of my gun all is real, not for fun~

~NJM~

 

 

 

 

 

 

~Going live on Moments of Clarity~ earlier in fact 1 hour~

Listen Live on 106.1 fm and

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Listen Live Online: http://www.tantalk1340.com

WEBPAGE: Momentsofclaritywithtiffany.com

Cell: 239-200-8433

The show runs live from 12 – 1pm every Thursday and Friday.

http://www.tantalk1340.com and can also call in during the show at 866-826-1340!

Also check it out from podcast should you miss it or beyond reach of station here at momentsofclaritywithtiffany.com and the podcast will be saved on the web page and also on tantalk1340.com under the podcast page of Moments of Clarity page! 

Looking forward to working with Tiffany on breaking mental health stigma.

I’ll see you next week on ~Moments of Clarity~June 15th

Call in

Thanks to all of you

~Please Read if Bipolar and comment if you feel this way, Please~

Am I a poetic tragedy in living form Fumbling around this earth

I’d rather be dead than be a cliche or martyr

Self deprecating is getting worn thin

Problem no courage no action taken

To exit

But instead I live on a roller coaster 

For all the faith and love in the world can’t console me

Yet I know love exist for some 

Enough to sustain

God watches me

But intervention upon Gods part

Is tricky and random

Consistency is needed

Daily lacking

Am I alone?

Isolated by illness

Lacking the love necessary 

I’m sorry I’d just rather die~

~Side Effects~

Disconcerting
Detached
Colors outside the lines
Blurry
This particular emotion is completely lacking…..
Lacking cohesive qualities
It’s unravelling
And the edges keep getting stuck in the door
At its most severe case it’s completely unsettling…..
And it’s weakest
Subtle anxiety
Dry mouth
Like sand mixed with cotton
Anesthetized
Clinical white
In this sterile environment
I’ll await my next dosage
Hands heavy laden
Cracked around the edges
Layered with side effects

 

~In What Ways Are Bipolar Disorder Serious~

The most obvious is that it’s not an illness that can be seen by the eyes
per-say. At first glance and maybe several, it is possibly never seen. Unless the symptoms manifest in other ways. We look like you, speak as you do. Love, hate,  hurt,  feel just like you. But the filter of emotions are not the same.

You can’t take an X-ray or MRI to find it.

In most cases its never diagnosed properly nor by the first evaluation. It may take several doctors, evaluations before getting properly diagnosed. This is frustrating for someone suffering with bipolar. Especially if given the wrong medicine. AntidepressantsIn most cases will induce mania.

Statistically speaking it has the highest suicide rate than any other mental illness. If left untreated, the repercussions can be detrimental both for the sufferer and those who encounter them. Between 30% to 50% of those diagnosed attempt suicide.

But personally speaking the biggest way that the illness can be serious is by the mast majority of ignorance on such matters. Not enough knowledge among society, those who treat it as though it is leprosy, or make threats against those who suffer from the illness, or use the term to diminish power of those who suffer from it.
Think about it… Many who are diagnosed feel ashamed or less than and won’t even acknowledge their illness around others. This is because lack of understanding on the subject, uneducated assumptions based on false information. Many people cause great damage by making fun of, or acting superior to the suffers of the illness.
These are the ways bipolarcan be serious. Educate Yourself, and your loved ones.

 

~The Hardest Part Of Living With Mental Illness~

~The loss. Somewhere inside, you lose yourself. You can recall some images of what you thought you were. But parts of you, or at least to me it was, like losing me… Shattered all over the place… Gathering the pieces of me. And not being very effective at gathering the pieces, some lost forever.
 
Which brings the next point “doubt”.
Doubting that you are ill, not accepting an illness that does not have a cure yet. Not wanting the label, the stigma.
 
Stigma, exist even today if you open about mental illness to others, people begin to judge you, question your ability to fit neatly into a category that they’ve never experienced first hand. Humans like labels, and they like consistency. Mental illness is hardly ever consistent, and mostly unpredictable.
 Image
Further more some can see easily in others what they quickly dismiss in themselves. Sometimes it is them, and they’re living in the denial, and unless treated, and accepted, those very people who continue to deny they have a mental illness usually wind up dead. Why? Because anyone that has terminal illness will experience repercussions if not treated properly and in a timely fashion.
 
If you have cancer and you don’t go to chemo, and don’t do what you’ve been told, you will eventually die sooner than you would had you’d followed a treatment plan.
 
Diabetes, I tell my son almost weekly that like him being dependent upon insulin, that mommy too is dependent upon certain lifestyles changes and medication to keep my illness managed, just as he needs to check his blood sugar and take insulin to manage his illness. So it is with Mom. There it is again, that word” Loss “of freedom to live without medicine. To have to be dependant upon medicine in order to live effectively and to the best of our ability is binding to say the least.
 
Then there is the isolation that comes with the illness, at least for me it did. All of the crazy things I have done while manic have broken ties with people I once considered friends, are now gone forever. But had proper truths been applied in society and the medical profession at large would have educated society, then perhaps the ignorance of my supposed friends on the subject today, may still have been around. All though I feel it very unlikely, that the outcome would be much different. We were already growing apart. The illness only escalated it. Yet again “Loss”
 
 
 Lack of information and education is rarely used in the right way to inform. Truth is society’s no closer to unveiling how the medicine we (society) do take for mental illness works, society still continually sees it as weakness instead of the terminal illness it is.
 
Then there is a two edged sword due to the label or category for those who are deemed bipolar. Bipolar individuals (at least in my experience) tend to have a marine forecast in place. Some times we’re sunny and the ocean is calm fishing conditions optimal, sometimes rip currents, sometime high tides, then low tides, choppy conditions, rainy and worse even is hurricanes. That’s the easiest way to explain the way bipolar people feel, how quickly we can escalate if we are not treating our illness with the care and respect it demands of us. Then there are moments that anxiety clenches my chest and I get over whelmed with self doubt a gripping fear that my “mind” might let me down. Trust me, it’s a feeling I hope you never have to have. The ability to not trust oneself is an extreme loss.
 
All because of loss, the challenge I face now is turning my loss into the advantage and always press on. Because if there is nothing more to consider or believe. I believe in restoring…….. that which was lost can be restored.