~In the Grey~It’s Where I’ll Stay~

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I’m in the grey…….
Grey Chasm swallows
I’m in the grey it’s where I’ll stay for now
I will not attempt to move quickly
Nor will I be rushed
Do I fascinate?
Do I invoke fear? Hate?
Perfectly negate?
Am I your guilty pleasure…
Is there no distance yet to measure?
I’ll create my walls
Build my tower strong
Brick by brick no matter how long
Exterior crusted over with
Innuendos and regret
I’m in the grey
I will not be pulled away
In this Chasm I will stay
Until I decide, until that day
You can not reach me… There is no definitive here
No truth or lie
If I want to stay until I die
It’s then a matter of choice
The beauty of my grey instilled in me a voice
Slowly it drips…..spill forth from my lips
Turning my words to black and white
Finally to distinguish which is wrong and which is right
But I shall not take flight oh no, I will move slowly with precision
At the end of the day it’s my decision
For now I’m in the grey area
Safely in my tower, walls erected
While my thoughts become collective
Selective
In the grey

~Knowing Pain~

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Emotional harm, Physical waste

Uneasy feeling bitter taste

Fastidious fear cry your last tear

Instigate Trifling

Presence so stifling

Negligent actions

Daunting infractions

Militant persuasion

Every occasion

Breeding your strife

Sucking up the last bit of my life

Mangled, tangled, fingers strangled

Inadequate hope

You hang from a rope

Your pain

It remains

Its all the same

It hurts this scar

Covering the body

Clenching grip

Obscene utterance on tongues tip

All will come to know

Pain…….

Is it Friend or Foe?

Relief or Thief

Or just belief~

~Contemptuous~

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Disillusions exist ~
For everyone
Burdened by that emotion
Heavy
The sickness in my mind
Never Giving full rest
Cluttered thoughts
Watered down relation
Diluted
Indifference lurks
Total intolerance
Superficial people
Words contentious in meaning
Nothing said that’s profound
Dimly lit corner I will sit
Festering my disdain~

Not for Reproduction

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‘Has Anyone Ever…~

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Has anyone ever written anything for you

In all your darkest hours

Did you ever hear me sing?

Well listen to me now

You know I’d rather be alone

Than to be without you

And if that’s all

I ever give…..

In all your darkest sorrows

Did you ever give it back?

I have given that to you

If that’s all I’ll ever do

I want you to remember me~

~No one Could Hold A Candle to Me~Not even a Match to Light It~

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Shit is its own vocabulary sir

Southern vernacular

Colloquial expression

Layden with

Insipid ideas

Treacherous deciet

Yet evermore

Longing for yet without

From great distance and in our heart something tells me we never part

I’m in you

As you are in me

Like the creole roots embedded in me I am as Southern as Southern can be

We try to part but you refuse to see

That no one could love you better than me

You tasted the sweet the bitter the brine deep inside you know you are mine

It takes your attention from me

This new idea

Person……

Fall pretense

Unoriginal bland

If you only could see

What you had in your hand

Blinded by your own lust and deceit

I’ll stand tall and unique

Out of my mouth doth angels speak

So you will see

They could never hold a candle to me, not even the match to light it with~

Can’t you see?

~Stigma~ 

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Smeared dullness

Catatonic stare

That’s what they think

Washed out color

Long halls painted grey

Not a door insight

Ideas out of focus

Stifling, confusing

Lack luster,  incredulous

emotions …….Clawing away the life fingers scraping their nails jagged and bloody, threads unravelling.. like the sound of a chalk board being scratched.

That’s what stigma, bias does isolates you.

Yet I exist Wrapped inside this cocoon~

Generic and uncategorized yet longing to be labeled and in a category ~ oh wait, I am… I fall under stigma mental illness under my skin, unseen yet relentless in my mind there are millions of my kind.

One size fits all as long as that size is extra large as to swallow my frame,as well as yours.

Swallowing my existence whole~

Preferably invisible~

Left unseen~

To myself~

Designated ~

As is~NJM

~I Will Be the One~NJM~

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I will be the one in the corner

Trying to not be seen

I will be the one speaking

Yet not being heard

I will be the one smiling

Yet hiding my true feelings.

I will be the one loving

Yet without understanding

I will be the one keeping my distance

Yet fearful of disconnection

I will be the one searching

Yet never to be found

I will be the one understanding

Yet never understood

I will be forever dreaming, forever hoping, praying

Yet judging it all

I will be the one fighting my cause

Yet struggling to maintain

I will be the one to determine

Yet what I will be~

NJM~

~This Empty Space~

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I don’t feel you anymore This empty space you used to fill

To paint the picture in our mind

Those days long gone we search to find

Your image faded by years gone by

Your voiced muted

Your fragrance no longer lingers

Your thoughts no longer shared

Your laughter gone

I don’t feel you anymore

This empty space you used to fill

This empty space~

~Perimeters~

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Standoffish aloof
Not looking at you~

Perimeters~

Coordinates
Bubbles of glass with precise measures
Encasing
Protecting
Inviting Safety
Each equation
Etching the space
The fine area deemed just my space
Slowing building up walls
Curves edges and all
A saving grace …….before another…….yes again a setback, another fall
Drawing fine lines
Marking each point
Thoughts are layers, times frames~
The nexus holding the perimeters together
Wondering if you could ever……yes ever
Believe yet again in another
Even further still nothing is forever…….
Forever the same each second each moment bring about change
Bending each thought and molding each frame ~
Believing this time it will not be the same
But perimeters falter & twist & wind and morph like a darkness acting often unkind ~
Life is an altered course it unfolds into time a commodity given the day you were born but perimeters weaken
Coordinates torn ~
All the while strategy in progress to save what is left of the holes in my heart and pain in my chest~
Perimeters are guild lines I lacked for to long, but I learned this the hard way like any over played song
Boundaries blanket me safely from harm
I no longer lay upon your loved arm~
I no longer listen to your heart beat~
I no longer feel~
Perhaps I do feel a bit for another~
But time Will only put our coordinates together
Although I lack in certain knowledge in subjects not taught
I’ll still invade your mind I’ll still be in your heart
Can’t help what I know not what I feel but
Perimeters took those it was those it did steal~
I’m trying to self preserve trying to heal
My perimeters are unique & my numbers are mine
Circumference of my thoughts etched and in place I’ll think long and hard before I look upon another face~
So know if you ever tried to understand me or tried to break Through and let me let you in
My plan is to not feel this way yet again~
Still Plans often change lives rearranged
These measure are precise and I can carefully prepare to slice to dice the hurt and pain~
To continue this path
Retract & Refrain~

Loneliness~

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Loneliness

A feeling so singular

A despair that numbs

No one around you

No where for them to come

Much less would you run if they did

Who can you trust

In this life you have to have one

At least they say it’s a must

Don’t believe them

There is……

A home that is lost

Friends walk away

Seems in this life

Nothing will stay

Alone

In silence

Able to just think

To sink

Downward

Into the pits of ominous clouds

Thoughts of a past screams out loud

People who loved you

Lied

None kept

All I can feel

Is completely inept

A fear that grips

A suffering so real

That all you have left

Is no way to feel

But alone~