~Incase you missed my interview on ~Moments of Clarity~See you on June 15th~

You can listen to me on the radio around the entire world via the link below. I will be with Tiffany once a month to help fight stigma on mental health and empower and bring hope to those who suffer bipolar disorder. ~NJM~

TAN-AM 1340 Tampa

WDCF-AM 1350 Dade City

WZHR-AM 1400 Zephyrhills

Listen Live Online: tantalk1340.com




Hello how you feeling today We ended the month of May

While you were yet away

Doctors seem stupid in light of it all, I’ve watched for so long now saw how you fall

Hello my dear enemy my oldest friend half our lives are now gone this could be your end

I’m not going to sugar coat nor

Make it taste sweet, see we both shocked each other before

Knocked us off our feet.

I will always be here for you while I am here. There can’t be a promise no matter what you think you hear.

I realize now we both live our biggest fear.

I’m glad we found peace after all that fucked up shit.

I know you want to take back all the things you did, I want to forgive you but I did, I just don’t forget.

Knowing this is always going to be regret…. for us both.

We grew up together then grew far apart.

I hope they can heal you and your heart, yes it’s broken in many ways. 

But if they release you from the hospital now then count your days.

So we have your diagnosis congestive heart failure. You’re biggest challenge now is will God be in your favors, or will you dies in your 40’s like I once said,

If this is the case you are gonna be dead.

I am what I’ve become

And I have not a clue what I’ll be

But I have a clearer vision now and I see what I see.

Everyone deserves love in some type of way.

I pray to God you find that love before your dying day.

That’s what I pray

It’s all I have to say

Be well~

He needs you more.

Rejected like me don’t let him be. So live damn it, live change what you need. Think of your son now, let go of the greed.

I hope you read this and it plants the seed.


~My Message on Mental Illness~Change the World~Breaking Stigma one courageous step at a time~please hit the like button if you suffer mental illness~ thank you.

Lunacy of the mindCraziness of the heart Never letting go never to part. Mind racing from subject to subject

You see, the lunatic I speak of is me. I am always in thought, spinning out of control, mostly I care , I am an old soul.
Standing up, speaking out, I’ll educate, even during the lunatic state. Most creative in times of manic
As words flow like rhymes, I’ll feel the touch of something Devine. Thinking my self as super human impervious to danger, I’ll talk or walk up to any stranger.
Privileged to share my experience with some, but the heart of my message is yet to come. I feel overwhelmed favor when those want to know more about me, my illness and what I have done. Asking advice of me, listening well, I speak of only my truth to tell, to help, encourage, to give some hope, and strength, to no longer hide, but stand up with pride. Be who your are, this is the key that will get you far, far away from those who judge and doubt you, soon you will stand up and teach as I do.
My mission is simple to impart understanding, compassion from all in regard to mental illness both in the great and the small. Whether you deny or accept the truth that I speak will certainly convey whether you care or are weak, scared, judging our illness. We all have illness whether you care to admit. Like it or not we all are in this together, to weather the storm… By learning not judging will cause much less harm.
I’ll change this world, I’ll follow each step, with God next to me leading the way, waking each morning each day I pray.
Lord give me the strength to not run and hide, but the endurance to prevail and keep up in stride. I know I have a message to give, I’m certain this is why I’m still live. Should have died so many times in the past, but you watch over me making sure I last.
I’m the lyrical master of poetry and rhymes, but I’ll have much more to do than that to write in due time. Guiding my hand as I write down each word, trust in this, my message will be heard.
I’m coming into my own, took long enough to trudge through the shit all that mess it was ruff. Planted firmly I pray each and every day, not to sway or be fake, for the battle ahead is not mine to take. It’s left in hands stronger than mine, my Lord my King hands that’s Devine.
So let the words God gives me to say unto you inspire in me awaken the world their eyes to see, that so much unseen lurks all around, including mental illness to which many are bound. Let my enemies be left in your hands and lead me straight into your plans. I realize I’ll stumble along this path I must take,
But keep grounded alive and awake.
Let sleep renew each night in me, the courage the plans you entrusted to thee.
So when I feel beaten alone and deprived remember my purpose from you and why I’m alive. Thank you, and you, and you as well, you all in fact that God put in my path, whether you are still around or gone at long last.
Those who wish of me to go to hell and fail, sorry so sorry, for I will prevail. With God by my side and those who love me, in the right season you’re gonna see. May the reward of your intentions towards me I pray that soon oh so soon I shall see in the upcoming day. Much love, Namaste~

~Autobiography in Five Short Chapters~

Chapter 1.

I walk down the street

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk I fall in. I am lost…… Helpless.

It isn’t my fault.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk, I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again.

I can’t believe I am in the same place. But it isn’t my fault.It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3.

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it there. I still fall in…….. It’s a habit. My eyes are open, I know where I am. It is my fault I get out immediately.

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street, there is a deep hole in the sidewalk, this time I walk around it.

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

Anonymous ~


The below song sums me up, and it’s to whoever knows all of me~


~The Art of Giving and Receiving~NJM~

It’s very simple you see……. You give me what I want, I’ll give you what you want, and we can be happy. Otherwise you Will never have me again never~Chose don’t ride the fence, otherwise piss off~

Biggest problem you have now is figuring out what I want. See my wants have changed. Do I want you to just be my friend? Do I just want  you to represent and acknowledge knowing that you met your match? Or do I want you as mine? Perhaps I want you to stop creeping all over  the net in disguise as usual and bugger off for good. You’re uber smart or at least you were, times change…..figure it out, I think you’re starting to.~NJM~

生病的都是你造成的伤害的痛苦修好了 !最大的方法就是去永远离去 !

~My Son~

My Son life is gift and You are a gift to life~
My Son take care of yourself love yourself respect yourself and others will respect you~
My Son you will grow up and become a man never lose your inner child~
My Son you will win some and lose some don’t let the loss make you bitter but instead let it make you stronger~
My Son there is a God, we come from something bigger than us, give thanks and know God and angels watch over you~
My Son there will come a day that someone will let you down don’t lose your faith~
My Son there will be those who will lie about you, always do your best to tell the truth~
My Son you will fall in love one day remember love takes time to grow don’t jump in head first learn to understand each other to grow together~
My Son people say there is one great love in everyone’s life but remember that true love is immeasurable and to love alone is great~
My Son you will have many acquaintances and meet many people however you likely will have one true friend care for that friend and be there for them as I pray they will be there for you~
My Son you will meet many who are in need throughout your life do your best to be charitable learn to give~
My Son you will see many things in life that are unfair but do your best to not judge and know life eventually evens the score~
My Son you will come across others who are miserable and rude learn to be kind don’t take it personal be and example~
My Son don’t let other’s influence your thoughts learn to think for yourself~
My Son there will come a day where you will be afraid be brave and overcome~
My Son there will be those who will tell you are not good enough, know your value never sell yourself short~
My Son you will face the impossible in life don’t let it stop you , every dream can become a reality strive and press on and always do your best make your dreams come true I have faith in you~
My Son be different don’t conform stand out from the rest, stand tall, stand proud~
My Son there will be times in life to be humble, learn from this, understand this, grow from this~
My Son you can not save the world but you can make your area of the world a better place, care for mother earth the beautiful animals and those who have less than you, respect what you have been given take care of what is given you and greater things will come your way~
My Son not everyone is afforded the opportunity to understand and be educated learn to have patience learn to teach~
My Son you will grow older and people will die, we all die, still live life to the fullest~
My Son when I die and you need me after I’m gone know that a part of me is always there in your heart and in your mind that energy never dies it only changes form and I will see you again one day~
My Son you’re the greatest gift in my life I’m sorry for the times I’ve fallen short know I did the best I knew how that I love you always you are my heart, you are my reason, You are my Son~
Not for Reproduction~NJM~

~The Price of Freedom~

Dedicated to Kiffer Baldeo

Often in life you have heard many people, grandparents, mothers, fathers, even friends tell you nothing is free.

There is one thing that truly is free, the love of God, the acceptance that God freely gives you without conditions. But for humans we all have conditions, damn those conditions right? I mean think about this at this moment, we all have conditions we feel must apply in some way, fashion, form, in order for us to accept those which we feel  love us, owe us, in order for us to give our stamp of approval, to give our love back. Our sense of entitlement.

But true Freedom is not just found spiritually speaking, but also in having nothing left to lose. It is within the element when you have nothing left to lose, you are in a position to gain, that is if you have not broken the law, in which case freedom is not attainable at least not the kind others have, don’t get me wrong some of the freest people are actually incarcerated. It is in the element of nothing left to lose, nothing that can be taken from you, that is true personal freedom beyond the spiritual aspect.

My illness has brought much heartbreak, loss, but from the loss I’ve attained the ability to pick myself up and realize that indeed I  have lost all, and not once, but several times, but each time I hit the bottom the one thing I still have is freedom, choice, through the loss I am therefor free. I have no where to go now, I am at the bottom. But the beauty of this freedom is the powerful Will to rise above and restore that which was lost, by God’s grace and sheer determination, to pick myself up. Yet even more beautiful is the recognition now given to me from the experience of loss. Freedom at its primitive state is nothing to lose, and everything to gain.

I am near ground zero, close to the bottom, but through my illness and the creativity it provides, I can see that light ahead, I can envision a future built upon the freedom of the loss I have endured. Will this be easy, hell no. Nothing lasting and tangible is attained easily, for if it were the appreciation of such attainment would fade rather quickly, only leaving a yearning for more than you already have, which you are not appreciating. If you were appreciating it you would be caring for it and thanking God and life daily for the battle fought, the journey traveled to get to the point you’re at.

Bipolar is often a self deprecating illness and unfortunately without a cure. But the most powerful resource one can implement in the journey of recovering is a strong support system, something I have not had in the last 6 years. Bipolar in manic phase is lunacy at its worse, creativity at its best, and somewhere in between its both. Seldom does a day go by that I have at least one radical thought, as well as a bleak thought. But if a good support system is in place, someone to bounce these thoughts onto it truly makes an enormous difference. I have started to see a new psychotherapist who asked me to write a letter each week to someone that I have felt harmed me, an event that has changed me. Then she wants me to target into the one feeling that sums it up that I get after reading it. Not like the basic shallow Angry or hurt, but like the event left me with rejection, or fear. I am looking forward to working with her, and suggest to any one who is living with bipolar to seek out a therapist that will challenge you to go beyond the demons that plague your mind, in so doing, you will pave the way to freedom in your mind as well as purge the abuse you may have endured.

See for me they’re some days that anxiety grips my mind it feels like someone is sitting on my chest and I have trouble catching my breath, my body and soul feel fragmented .But I pray upon waking, giving my burdens to God. slowly I take my cement legs and put on my cement shoes (because I feel like cement is on my feet as I go to tackle another day). Each day unfolds differently. Every waking hour I do my best to forget yesterday(although others won’t in regard to me or my actions) To try not to think about tomorrow, because none of us are granted a tomorrow, but to stay in this day. When I don’t do this, or practice this, when one I have one foot is still in yesterday and the other foot in tomorrow I wind up pissing all over the present day. Lord knows I need not do that. In fact if you stop and think about it, this is true for everyone.

Now there are those who Will say “set goal, make plans” I do, I set reasonable goals, but in order to successfully reach these goals, these dreams I must strive to stay in this moment, this day. Truly it is the first step to healing and to maintaining those things you would love to see come to fruition. A step to freedom of ones self and your mind.

Look, Bipolar sucks, but I will not allow recents events to silence my quest to advocate for the awareness and compassion needed by society to treat those afflicted with mental disability no different than those suffering from a terminal illness. We are just as ill as a cancer patient or any other incurable illness.

Truthfully so many of the mentally disable are not diagnosed because of stigma, fear and judgement or rejection.. As stated previously working with a new psychologist which gives me a great new angle and approach to dealing with many repressed memories and purging the abuse out of my mind in a very unique way,thus allowing freedom to encompass my present quest to stay free in all things. Not allowing the past dominate my future.

Even when you fall get up quickly, become the true creative warrior you are, fight the good fight, stand up for the cause. So when our children who may be diagnosed with a mental disability face society they will be treated as any other individual with a terminal illness, which is with kindness and concern, not with the hate, indifference, and ridicule those of us face in society at the present time.

Finally, find you, find your inner child, and the person that you were meant to be somewhere under all the shit that we must deal with on a day to day basis, grow from our struggles, push forward when faced with hate or rejection. Keep your Will strong, fight the good fight, be an example for others who suffer  from bipolar or any other mental disability. Mostly find your freedom, many times at rock bottom is exactly where ALL of US need to be from time to time, for growth, for appreciation of the things entrusted to us, those very things we ignore and don’t care for as we should, but instead let it whither away. This includes not just the upkeep of our illness, but all things entrusted to us, our kids, our home, being an example to raise the standard and step out from among the rest. In doing this you Will find your freedom, your peace both in spirit and in mind.

Find your voice, find your freedom~

Always remember this rule, to go on to greater things you must first love and take care of the things you have, then and only then Will greater things come your was. Keep your Will strong.

Please be willful with intent~



~Do You Believe? Have Faith~

I will not deny the existence of God
Nor will I accept the contention of men who seek to otherwise disprove the premise of my belief.

For it is the mystery of such that only faith will sustain the notions of God and faith. “Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen. Hebrew 11:1”

But I see the obvious flaws within the doctrine. The blatant disregard to use logic and reason. And quite personally when it’s all said and done, it’s only you, you have to convince you. For all the contrary statements and text, it’s just plain and simple, believe as you want. But remember are we not contrary in our very existence being a human? And therein lies the flaw, and furthermore the perfection. The uniqueness.. Divine and sometimes cursed.

To be brief, no one should try to convince anyone. Be as you believe, and nothing less or more. In doing so your actions reveal your intent/belief/existence.
Let not your actions lack the very conviction of your words. Far far to many are quick to speak but are of null effect when carrying out said convictions.

Be an Example, pray others follow.

Try the agreements if nothing else has spoken to you spiritually. The four agreements.

These may not be in the correct order as I am going by memory alone.

  1. Try to do your best always.{your best may change from day to day just as circumstances do}
  2. Don’t assume. We all do, try not to……I have a hard time on this one.
  3. Be Immpeccable with your word. {basically don’t lie}
  4. Try not to take nothing personally. Very hard to achieve.

Try this. See if it gets you were you are trying to go. Good luck. God Speed. ~NJM~

Oh yeah have faith!


Question Asked Via My Quora Blog About Bipolar Disorder~

Nicole MoncadaNicole MoncadaBachelor’s in Psychology I am Bipolar… 
You are 13 yrs old. So so many times I see many young teens believe they are afflicted with the genetic predisposition of their fathers mothers, brothers, uncles… So forth.
Here is the thing. You’re at an age of change, great change. Your body, hormones, and formidable yrs are around you. Your moods are going to be like night and day. Your moving from adolescence to a teen into adulthood.

I wish more psychologist and medical professions would keep all this in mind when trying to give a definitive diagnosis.

See I’m bipolar 1. If I were to compare it to cancer I would have “terminal incurable worst of them all” cancer.

But was I always bipolar? Hmmm Somewhere there was a trait, both of my parents suffered mental illness. It ran in the family. But the bigger question is”do all family members become affected because the others did?” The answer is No.

Yes your cards have not been kindly dealt to you. However I lived a pretty exciting and successful life after some heavy drug use in my teens, not to mention getting married at age 14. Yes married, no children, not during that marriage.

Here is the deal. Give yourself time to grow up and feel this things out a bit. Granted I’m not a full on psychologist. I do hold a bachelor’s degree in psychology. I also suffer bipolar 1.

My life has been full of ups and downs. You know what? The most impoartnant thing is I land on my feet. I’ve lost it all a few times, gained it back and lost again.

I won’t give up. Never! I advocate for the education of mental health awareness, for the stigma to be broken, and acceptence and compassion to be imparted instead of ignorance most in the society we live in.

Albeit I am not in a position to diagnose. A psychiatrist who would asses you, and properly administer needed medications. Again a psychiatrist, not a psychologist.

A psychologist will work with those who are diagnosed… More of a therapist. A complete psychological exam can also be used and administered by a Dr of Psychologist. These take hours and cost between 400$ to 1200$ dollars here in Florida where I live.

A psychiatrist can make a determination in a 45 minute exam as opposed to a 4 to 6 hour psychological evaluation.

Here is the simple answer. Wait a bit. I went until age 40 before I was diagnosed. I was diagnosed with clinical depression at 29.

The illness changes forms. But once you get the stage I’m in,it’s perminant. Basically all mental illness is permanent. Just remember the degree by which you are affected by it varies from time to time.

In society today we are too quicke to give labels to everything. I think we have to many classifications of illness bipolar being one. It has bipolar 1,2,3 and now a 4 with what supposed to be cyclothymia!

I call bullshit on all of them except 1 and 2.

The others were created for professionals to not feel so bad or afflicted by simply being damn well bipolar! Again this is why I speak out and am not afraid of my illness. I use it to educate. In fact I see it as a blessing more than a curse.

You are going through to much at the age of 13 developmentally. If you really really just feel like you want to kill yourself, or simply just can’t get out of bed at all…. Then head to the doctors.

Otherwise my opinion is you’re just growing up at an age of great change, influence, ideas…. Becoming the adult you want to be and are meant to be. If I were you I’d wait and see…. You may be someone like I was living awhile without full blown symptoms. Having some pretty awesome success and fun times.

Or you could be bipolar. Only way to know, go see you’re doctor and have them refer you to a specialist who is either a psychiatrist or a PHd psychologist.

Only a psychiatrist can prescribe medications for the condition.

I’m gonna leave you with words my psychiatrist recently left me with at my last visit… He said “Nicole, I want you on the least amount of meds possible”… I’ve had 3 full blown manic episodes. Most psychiatrist would insist I take an antipsychotic drug with my mood stabilizer. However I do not. Why? Many reasons. 1 there are huge amounts of side affects in regard to all antipsychotic meds. I’ve gained 35 pounds that I can’t lose and I’ve tried.

I’ve delevoloped metabolic X due to serquel and other antipsychotics. My eyesight is not good either.

It took awhile to find the right doctor/psychiatrist but I did… He is the best!

I only take Lamictal it’s a mood stabilizer.

You’re just too young!
But I can only offer you my experience and advice.

Private message me if you need further answers.

Good luck, God bless, Stay well!


~Living With Bipolar 1~NJM~ The Maze~

I am the lab rat. I am in a maze. There is no way to ever solve the maze as of yet.I can move from front to back, left to right, but the outcome is always gonna be the same redundant cycle.

I’ll never exit the maze. There are beautiful parts in the maze, scary parts, agitated parts, renovated parts, crazy parts, serine parts, but all those areas have no exit out.
Every person experiences the illness a bit different.

Treatment of the disorder is a must in order to live productively
It’s been bittersweet. I have been through many stages of the illness and 4 manic attack each triggered by extreme stress.
I also picked myself up and learned to live through my divorce and custody struggle.
I don’t trust many people but I do not isolate myself as I once did as I used to.
I have a part time job that deals with the public.
It’s like a roller coaster ride. Or surfing. You roll with the tides, and learn each time.
It’s pride I actually feel now, but must stay humble. I advocate for the stigma of bipolar to diminishes and begin to accept and love what has been mistunderstood for far to long. We have tackled openly everything except mental illness. Many people have some type of mental illness.
I’ll tell you this, through prayer and creativity, God, and my beautiful Son, I like me.

I’m ok with me.
Bottom line it’s not bad at this point of my life.
Thank God~