Dedicated to Kiffer Baldeo

Often in life you have heard many people, grandparents, mothers, fathers, even friends tell you nothing is free.

There is one thing that truly is free, the love of God, the acceptance that God freely gives you without conditions. But for humans we all have conditions, damn those conditions right? I mean think about this at this moment, we all have conditions we feel must apply in some way, fashion, form, in order for us to accept those which we feel  love us, owe us, in order for us to give our stamp of approval, to give our love back. Our sense of entitlement.

But true Freedom is not just found spiritually speaking, but also in having nothing left to lose. It is within the element when you have nothing left to lose, you are in a position to gain, that is if you have not broken the law, in which case freedom is not attainable at least not the kind others have, don’t get me wrong some of the freest people are actually incarcerated. It is in the element of nothing left to lose, nothing that can be taken from you, that is true personal freedom beyond the spiritual aspect.

My illness has brought much heartbreak, loss, but from the loss I’ve attained the ability to pick myself up and realize that indeed I  have lost all, and not once, but several times, but each time I hit the bottom the one thing I still have is freedom, choice, through the loss I am therefor free. I have no where to go now, I am at the bottom. But the beauty of this freedom is the powerful Will to rise above and restore that which was lost, by God’s grace and sheer determination, to pick myself up. Yet even more beautiful is the recognition now given to me from the experience of loss. Freedom at its primitive state is nothing to lose, and everything to gain.

I am near ground zero, close to the bottom, but through my illness and the creativity it provides, I can see that light ahead, I can envision a future built upon the freedom of the loss I have endured. Will this be easy, hell no. Nothing lasting and tangible is attained easily, for if it were the appreciation of such attainment would fade rather quickly, only leaving a yearning for more than you already have, which you are not appreciating. If you were appreciating it you would be caring for it and thanking God and life daily for the battle fought, the journey traveled to get to the point you’re at.

Bipolar is often a self deprecating illness and unfortunately without a cure. But the most powerful resource one can implement in the journey of recovering is a strong support system, something I have not had in the last 6 years. Bipolar in manic phase is lunacy at its worse, creativity at its best, and somewhere in between its both. Seldom does a day go by that I have at least one radical thought, as well as a bleak thought. But if a good support system is in place, someone to bounce these thoughts onto it truly makes an enormous difference. I have started to see a new psychotherapist who asked me to write a letter each week to someone that I have felt harmed me, an event that has changed me. Then she wants me to target into the one feeling that sums it up that I get after reading it. Not like the basic shallow Angry or hurt, but like the event left me with rejection, or fear. I am looking forward to working with her, and suggest to any one who is living with bipolar to seek out a therapist that will challenge you to go beyond the demons that plague your mind, in so doing, you will pave the way to freedom in your mind as well as purge the abuse you may have endured.

See for me they’re some days that anxiety grips my mind it feels like someone is sitting on my chest and I have trouble catching my breath, my body and soul feel fragmented .But I pray upon waking, giving my burdens to God. slowly I take my cement legs and put on my cement shoes (because I feel like cement is on my feet as I go to tackle another day). Each day unfolds differently. Every waking hour I do my best to forget yesterday(although others won’t in regard to me or my actions) To try not to think about tomorrow, because none of us are granted a tomorrow, but to stay in this day. When I don’t do this, or practice this, when one I have one foot is still in yesterday and the other foot in tomorrow I wind up pissing all over the present day. Lord knows I need not do that. In fact if you stop and think about it, this is true for everyone.

Now there are those who Will say “set goal, make plans” I do, I set reasonable goals, but in order to successfully reach these goals, these dreams I must strive to stay in this moment, this day. Truly it is the first step to healing and to maintaining those things you would love to see come to fruition. A step to freedom of ones self and your mind.

Look, Bipolar sucks, but I will not allow recents events to silence my quest to advocate for the awareness and compassion needed by society to treat those afflicted with mental disability no different than those suffering from a terminal illness. We are just as ill as a cancer patient or any other incurable illness.

Truthfully so many of the mentally disable are not diagnosed because of stigma, fear and judgement or rejection.. As stated previously working with a new psychologist which gives me a great new angle and approach to dealing with many repressed memories and purging the abuse out of my mind in a very unique way,thus allowing freedom to encompass my present quest to stay free in all things. Not allowing the past dominate my future.

Even when you fall get up quickly, become the true creative warrior you are, fight the good fight, stand up for the cause. So when our children who may be diagnosed with a mental disability face society they will be treated as any other individual with a terminal illness, which is with kindness and concern, not with the hate, indifference, and ridicule those of us face in society at the present time.

Finally, find you, find your inner child, and the person that you were meant to be somewhere under all the shit that we must deal with on a day to day basis, grow from our struggles, push forward when faced with hate or rejection. Keep your Will strong, fight the good fight, be an example for others who suffer  from bipolar or any other mental disability. Mostly find your freedom, many times at rock bottom is exactly where ALL of US need to be from time to time, for growth, for appreciation of the things entrusted to us, those very things we ignore and don’t care for as we should, but instead let it whither away. This includes not just the upkeep of our illness, but all things entrusted to us, our kids, our home, being an example to raise the standard and step out from among the rest. In doing this you Will find your freedom, your peace both in spirit and in mind.

Find your voice, find your freedom~

Always remember this rule, to go on to greater things you must first love and take care of the things you have, then and only then Will greater things come your was. Keep your Will strong.

Please be willful with intent~

~NJM~