~Hurricane Katrina~ Chapter 2 ~1017 Cypress Street~

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The buzz of dread filled the atmosphere. A storm like Katrina hadn’t come this close and been this strong in years and it was strengthening to a Catagory 5…. A storm of such magnitude can change everything instantly.
With heavy laden feet and numb heart she got up and began getting ready for work, the weather channel could be heard in the background as she leaned in closer to the mirror applying mascara, eyes sallow, concern washed over her and she looked disheveled worrying about what was going to take place. All eyes in the world were waiting to see where Katrina would land. Mississippi or Louisiana.
Idly she stood with a catatonic stare. She did not feel like working yet she stood next to the Lancôme counter leaning against it, watching people just moving around like ants shopping all smeared faces of strangers, rich women who could wear her patients thin because a shade of lipstick was not exactly the same shade of their purse and shoes they just bought. It was a good job, she was just tired of retail and marketing.
Fate and the fate of her son and a final location to take root and live were all resting on the storm.

Beyond the present state of the earthly forces, She had recently partnered with her ex husband to help raise her son, that alone was a gamble, one she took. She wouldn’t let Donnell hurt her or their child. Later on she’ll wish she had taken thought long and hard before making any decisions, however Katrina wasn’t going to give up any more time.
Katrina had its eye on Biloxi, and she staid her course. Although Biloxi was hit worse, New Orleans being a bigger city received more news coverage due to the levees breaking and the floods, continual rain were all turning New Orleans into a nightmare.
After making it through 5 hours of work she was finally headed home. Her heels clicked with each step as she neared her car in the parking garage Her cell phone rang as she was getting into her car , She answered to hear her Mom on the other line. “honey listen, I need you to find my boys make sure they’re alright” her Mom said as she cried. She thought “Her boys”…. She must have tucked her siblings into the back of her mind. “What boys?” She asked. “Your brothers honey” “I know you can’t remember you were to young but you have 4 brothers”…. She was Floored when she heard that news. Brothers! Finally she spoke “ok Mom I’ll see what I can do, but I need names and a place to

Start looking.” “Look for Labello’s Auto” it’s a car shop one of your brothers had” try there”.
So now plot thickens She has 4 brothers she has no recollection of a storm that’s a killer hitting land. The likely hood of finding her “brothers” whom she never met or can’t remember meeting would be thin since most all her Mom’s children had different Dads.
Slowly as the storm bared down on land she could feel an ache in her belly. So much is going to change very fast She just could feel it.

A storm of this magnitude is going to rearrange her life and the lives of many others,how symbolic it was the storm, a methrphor of her unyielding, continually shocking tail of what is her life. Things churn in storms. Storms stir up lives and deaths and sometimes life and death are straight ahead but you never knew it. Ghost hidden come out to play. Her “brothers” were a fine example of ghost coming out to play.

(Excerpt of My Novel) ~Chapter 1~1017 Cypress Street~Based on actual events~Edited~

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She felt her life was always a puzzle piece and the puzzle couldn’t completely be found. Personal wars and scars she endured from early childhood.Her life never yielded a dull moment. The sense of the bottom dropping out always lived in the back of her mind, but she pressed on and tried to control the feeling that haunted her.

She was excited at the thought of her new home, although it was an older home she would carve it out and make a home for her and her family. The pool was a big selling point, she loved to swim, was always drawn to water. Calmed the storm that seemed to always be slightly to the left of her thoughts, tucked away.
The moment she walked through the front door the house seemed to welcome her, feed on her energy… It was as though the two would be as one. Never did she think about departure……..her having to leave this home,after all she was going to buy it.

Now the house sits quietly never keeping anyone there long. It was her house, but he made her leave.

Parts of her loss haunts the halls of that house… It will forever cry for her return. Forever warning her of the evil intent that lurks across the street.

Years have gone by but for her it feels like yesterday, with the blink of her eye and a deep breath she is back there, a part of her is back there back at the house.

As her eyes remain closed she remembers how it felt ….Jumping effortlessly into the beautiful pool late at night her body completely covered only by the water. Right across the street he watched her,captivated. Intrigued.

Quickly as though a jolt of energy sent shock waves through her body, her eyes blink open to her present reality one that’s never been the same since that house since she met him.
She didn’t have a clue that her life was building up to that moment, a moment that could kill the very essesnse of all the good she had in her, change her forever leaving her a shell of the women she once was.

NJM~Personal Quotes~

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Sometimes festering in your own shit,covered inherently in your ignorant deceit may you look in the mirror & realize it’s time to come clean~

~Bipolar,The Unique Truth about the illness and my theories~

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First I urge you the reader to watch a movie called “Touched by Fire” with Katie Holmes… the depiction of the two characters bring this post together. They are two bipolar individuals that’s all I will say. Watch it.

Bipolar the unique truth
Truth is there are many bipolar people with a unique gifts of art, it springs forth from our well to bring to life what we hope others will get, will understand.
I write poetry through my heart

My veins, my brain. Some other bipolar people paint, some sing, some Dance, some sculpt, and others like me, the countless thousands that write.
I consider myself a warrior fighting a cause trying to educate and break mental health stigma I also bring my demons out to display for all to see. That’s pretty ugly and unique. Hang it all out, air the bullshit I fester in at times, don’t we all?
Here is the thing, even warriors get weary and tired, and at times may even feel defeated.
I feel this as I write it, however by days end I’ll feel completely opposite I will feel empowered.
You may be a bipolar person, however every one of us is so unique so very unique.

I have been told all my

Life I have a switch, like a light switch that goes off if I’m done such as with let’s say …chemical addiction I am addicted for awhile to some drugs as an example. Cocaine, ecstasy, acid that kind of stuff I did at various times of my life, only to put it down. Still down over 15 years or more to this point and I pray it will always stick, it has thus far.
Now Mary Jane is like a best friend that I can hug goodbye, then check up on Mary Jane and alas, we have a long visit. Then I hug her again. Only to keep visiting.
Longest I ever told Mary Jane see you later I didn’t see her for 5 years….. that’s along time.
I’m similar with cigarettes but I have never been a real lifer for cigarettes.
I pick those up during stressful times. Like a switch I turn it back off till it illuminates again and the switch is turned on….. hey maybe it’s a glitch…

Today is the full moon. The moon affects bipolar people.
Say what you will, the cosmic energy changes the ebb and the flow of the ocean and pulls stronger because we are closer to our moon. If it affects a huge ocean then I view it as ……how much more can it affect us little humans. I mean come on it’s pulling an ocean sitting by us you think it don’t affect us, Ha. Ok.
Anyway these are my theories. Adopt them as your own if it rings true. Examine it if it doesn’t.
For some the full moon energizes their soul, others melancholia, others deep depression.
It is a shackle. I have theories about mental illness for a very long time. We live in a multidimensional world.
I often wondered if the mentally ill are tapping into the other dimensions the ones that others can’t hear, see, or feel.

I have others who have witnessed phenomena in me with regard to two things, first I seem to affect electrical currents in my area around me lights and such . Second the ability to tell you about something important that is gonna happen if you’re close to me.

This has been witnessed and many can tell you, yep she does.
This only started again, notice I said again, yes again after 3 years. See I was away around lies and deceit for the duration of my marriages, I listened and bought into the lies …. then I broke free after my divorce…for the last three years of my life, I stopped listening to lies, I’m in what I call a spiritual cleanse zone.
I can do things others can’t or maybe they can I haven’t met them yet, do you have phenomena too? just like I have , are you bipolar and have a phenomenon like myself which only adds to what I feel is extremely unique.
I had gifts when I was younger and not tainted by this world nor afflicted with atrocious disease of the mind. I prayed and meditated for hours in nature back then. My gifts at its apex. But years of hearing and buying into those lies affected my gifts. We all have some kinda strange gift if you tap into it.
Removing yourself from all lies or to recognize lies(spirit bares witness to others) the lies others speak you will and can know. But how do you know if they are lying?
For me It’s a silent “I know”.A feeling a sensation I pick up on.
Sometimes it’s just a quick whispers brief then gone.
This is me. This is how I am navigating my outer worldly experience. The queue’s I receive.
I don’t dabble in dark arts. My mother did. She was sought after on the bayous of Louisiana. People come from all over the bayou to see her. To hear what she had to say.
She then had a change of heart made me burn all my albums( so long ago lol albums) all my records.
I couldn’t wear pants anymore and I got to go to 6 th grade at a weird school from the church she joined. It was Like a mixture of Assembly of God or Pentecostal type of practice.
Yet I survived my crazy ass formidable young years as best I could, well that was until I revolted and got married at 14.
I was rebellious, against the grain. I think that was a charismatic draw when I was younger I had a few select friends.
Wherever we went, when we arrived the party started and most flocked to me it flowed… it was a powerful feeling.
So see yours may be different it’s why I have given you a quick narrative of my life.
So how are the meds going? Well? What was your cost? Mine was feelings, eyesight, weight, rapid weight gain. A few more add on’s.
My meds are Lamictal, Serquel, Clonopin. Not to mention pain meds for another condition.
Cool fact I’ve only had three cavities. My mom was big about brushing my damn teeth.
Hey! I have a bright smile. That is if I’m not in one of the many moods that flow through me every hour. Yes every hour.
See another difference. My Mind is in a variation or some would say rapid cycle.
Yours may be still, constant depressed, or you could be in a full blown manic episode.
In order to make any stride In Breaking stigma we must begin to be honest with ourselves.
We walk blindly sometimes through a day our thoughts jumbled.
But are we living our truth, bearing the scars and being open about your unique illness and the unique art it invokes in you.
Can we all feel empowered always, the answer is No. however we can strive, press onward.
For us our creativity and our illness make us so unique, so let your colors out and color outside the lines.
Don’t be afraid, we all have at one time or another. However, this is coming from someone who has had a rough ride getting to this place of complete honesty.
A place to tell my story without fear. Worry about nothing, care about most things, leave the rest behind. That’s my quote…
Thanks for stopping in and reading my post.
Have a beautiful day and watch out for our full moon tonight!

~NJM~ Quotes~

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Your life is not yours, it is a series of events you walk through blindly.Deceiving yourself thinking your eyes were open~that’s truth~NJM~

~Gossip~

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Wagging tongues slippery truth
Blah blah

What did you say

Oh I see it’s gossip again

Smile in your face

You’re my best friend

Lol right

Not when out of sight

Tongues wagging

Slippery truth

Claiming the innocence

Of your truth

Me oh my how we lie

Talk all for naught

Don’t come to me and try to speak

Your mind your words are too damn weak…

Women oh Woman

When shall we learn

Stop wagging your tongues

Speaking such things cause

A mess

Oh my dear is that a new dress?

It’s fabulous, not really

So why not speak truth

Oh the slippery truth

Like a well worn ornament

Purchased at a five and dime

It’s never stopped gossip at any time

Fickle ass creature women we are

Think we so perfect a bright shining star

Then you wag your damn tongue

With slippery truth

Hurry have you heard?

She lost her mind!

A mental break

Oh it’s nothing I’m sure

She will be fine

Oh wait did you say what I think

I’m gonna say this in the nicest way I know….

You don’t know nice

Ignorant fool

Take your belligerent ass back to school

While you are there learn your manners and finesse

By the way I truly do like that dress….. Or …Maybe it could be a bit shorter

Or perhaps it would look better on me, Oh shut up woman can’t you damn well see?

Stop wagging that tongue on slippery truth~

It so uncouth~

Unbecoming you see~

Keep your gossip away from me~

I long only to feel free~

From shackles Gossip creates~

The ugly words that inspires hate~

Bullshit of all kind~

Stirring the pot~

Fucking the mind~

Damn why are humans so unkind~

Always hard to reach to strive Be alone and truly survive the slander and crap we all live with each day, only seems more women are this way… why? what is your thoughts, what would you say?

~The Past~

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I pull away. You’ve hurt me. There is nothing that will ever heal it completely.

My soul is dim, all due to him… You.

But all in all I love you too.

Love doesn’t live in digits it surpasses age, transcends boundaries . Number are numbers. Pick one.

That simple~Always.~

Ttys.

~DAR~Updated

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Hello how you feeling today We ended the month of May

While you were yet away

Doctors seem stupid in light of it all, I’ve watched for so long now saw how you fall

Hello my dear enemy my oldest friend half our lives are now gone this could be your end

I’m not going to sugar coat nor

Make it taste sweet, see we both shocked each other before

Knocked us off our feet.

I will always be here for you while I am here. There can’t be a promise no matter what you think you hear.

I realize now we both live our biggest fear.

I’m glad we found peace after all that fucked up shit.

I know you want to take back all the things you did, I want to forgive you but I did, I just don’t forget.

Knowing this is always going to be regret…. for us both.

We grew up together then grew far apart.

I hope they can heal you and your heart, yes it’s broken in many ways. 

But if they release you from the hospital now then count your days.

So we have your diagnosis congestive heart failure. You’re biggest challenge now is will God be in your favors, or will you dies in your 40’s like I once said,

If this is the case you are gonna be dead.

I am what I’ve become

And I have not a clue what I’ll be

But I have a clearer vision now and I see what I see.

Everyone deserves love in some type of way.

I pray to God you find that love before your dying day.

That’s what I pray

It’s all I have to say

Be well~

He needs you more.

Rejected like me don’t let him be. So live damn it, live change what you need. Think of your son now, let go of the greed.

I hope you read this and it plants the seed.

~NJM~

I will begin to draft all popular post and roll only the post I feel need to begin to be heard~ Thank you.

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I will take my popular work and drafted it not be seen and run only the 1017 cypress excerpts, retribution, premise of my book, mostly DONNELL KERR POST… the bishop post my Momma’s post if I don’t see more support on these. It’s dear to my heart you read them, like them understand them, the pain in them and rejection in them. I follow you because I value you and your words. I like them. I need these to take prevalence. Thank you ahead of time for understaning . I mean these are serious post NO ONE should have to endure. Where is the empathy???where is the love from all you who follow me? These post hit home and have a story that is the catalyst that provoked my illness. Sure indeed these are the things that also inspire the writing you do love. It hurts that they’re just overlooked !

The post that roll after this are the ones I seek support and to educate all that read them. There are Also some really old post too from 2014, Thank you for your empathy understaning and support.

~It Could Be Worse~ Fragmented~NJM~

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I drank the poison 

I sit quietly as storms brew around me

Damn dark clouds spinning wondering…………………could it be worse?

Lately I’m Reducing myself to a child like statements “I never asked to be born!” God.
Cloudy day you will not catch me vulnerable off guard 

Depression is my muse

So in my craziness let me lay and in your mouth of madness pray

Quit toying with me finish me this day already or release me

I need philosophical conversation less hesitation 

How about it is what it is, instead of trying to make it something that it isn’t

The worse that can happen is the worse.
Moods mixed dripping from a rusty faucet or are the bowels of despair and hopeless abandonment. Eating away at your core? Wanting to feel this way no more
If you entered into a relationship today with the knowledge of knowing it will come to an end, would you engage and interact within and with that relationship? Define relationship… It’s myriads to scrutinize. Is the notion of such cause for suicide? Control? What of these….relationships. You’re living one now. It’s a relationship based with you and life. The other people are just the variables.

What do the people who are worse off do?
You often here it could be worse …. Well what of those that are locked away in a murderers cage……. What do they think ? It could be worse? I’m gonna die? So truly what is worse?

I will not concern myself with what I’m no longer concerned with. Yet I do. Contradict indeed. I’ll grab your hand to lead the way to have concern for you its in my DNA.

It’s all of what God wants what if I do otherwise will I be quickly be condemned thrown to purgatory? No I’ve made the bed it’s my consequence nothing more.

Lazy thoughts cloud conclusions unknown to basic rationalization Algorithm calculation 

Over processed, infected by a virus. You are my virus, no cure in sight.
Seeds you planted are now overgrown weeds in my mind

Trimming them only makes them grow~
Bumpy potholes all over the road
Don’t make me your mission don’t be a mortar for me. Opposition. Save me.
Cloudy day you will not catch me vulnerable off guard 
I awake to………..An instant acute awareness of all things, sharpened senses that if not properly used self destruct

I concealed my soiled hands behind my back, somewhere along the line I must have gone off track
I see the end…. Look don’t you… I forget your vision is clouded, and I’m filtering differently too. Lacking true vision that’s you

Like bad news of a death you speak of things you know not of, You hurt, is that all you know? Could be worse.
Unknown visitation trying you prepare. What exactly are you preparing for? Always be ready, You are you be you. It could be worse.

You loved and lost. But greater love is he who carries the Lord in their heart. Love never loses. 
It could be worse 

Skeletons with rotting flesh cling A pool of blood maps out the trail Stench of death fumes raise high many try running as many die, guess it could be worse~

I’m sick of awaking in a fog. God would you sit awhile let me hear your thunderous heavenly voice say it’s all okay including the fog and the occasional fire. 
Tell me how long will we grovel at the feet of wealth and power How long will we bow to their golden calf.

How long will we curtsey to all the new religions? They water down truth until truth will be no more.  

The awkward moment I see your mind is sick too, you only mimic society so they never knew, hypocrite~
Did God know bout you’re dyin day that it be of your own hand or his that has its way?
I feel so completely incomplete Take my hands stretch them out nail me to the cross then nail the cross to my feet Damn Martyr~

Laid upon the tall green grass my mind laid in textiles like tapestry in my head. Dampened thoughts moist with residue of complex philosophy and skewed intent wondering where the hell my life went in a different path, I feel alike lot Sylvia Plath~
There is steam on the window with writing on the glass….. But the words are blurry, I’m rushed in a hurry………. But to where I’m hurried too I know not. What does it say? Hurry……ok but where?

In this corner you think I’m in, your talons about to sink in I feel your claws grasping my skin… About to fly away with your prize your meal that has eyes.

Remember now I’m never how you envisioned maybe it be best you rethink your decision   

Clearly I might snap and sting causing extreme collision.

I’m the benefits fully loaded equipt but without warranty yet still a guarantee.
The further back I step more space allowed between

I feel you less

Like a dog

I allowed you

To kick me

I returned 

Again

Again

To my vomit

Then I had enough snapped and said the end~
Flesh hanging from my mouth….,..Carries the pieces you took from me raw and intact with my words my mouth alone. Your loss.

Herald bringer state the case close it well. Once told no more to tell. Usurper~
Sand storms blind suffocate Quick sand sucks you in like hate… Oh precious longing fate

Flares up as flames ignite, you sink into the quick sand you lost all control.
Figured you might~

Ensue the fight~

Problem is neither is right~
Truth be told I want what I want 

Needs not the same, I’m over all childish games,
I don’t listen therefore I get hurt, pouring more pain in my heart

Still I hope somehow deep inside we never part, that God will allow for us a start….
Suppose we Will see…
What could be worse