~It Could Be Worse~ Fragmented~NJM~

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I drank the poison 

I sit quietly as storms brew around me

Damn dark clouds spinning wondering…………………could it be worse?

Lately I’m Reducing myself to a child like statements “I never asked to be born!” God.
Cloudy day you will not catch me vulnerable off guard 

Depression is my muse

So in my craziness let me lay and in your mouth of madness pray

Quit toying with me finish me this day already or release me

I need philosophical conversation less hesitation 

How about it is what it is, instead of trying to make it something that it isn’t

The worse that can happen is the worse.
Moods mixed dripping from a rusty faucet or are the bowels of despair and hopeless abandonment. Eating away at your core? Wanting to feel this way no more
If you entered into a relationship today with the knowledge of knowing it will come to an end, would you engage and interact within and with that relationship? Define relationship… It’s myriads to scrutinize. Is the notion of such cause for suicide? Control? What of these….relationships. You’re living one now. It’s a relationship based with you and life. The other people are just the variables.

What do the people who are worse off do?
You often here it could be worse …. Well what of those that are locked away in a murderers cage……. What do they think ? It could be worse? I’m gonna die? So truly what is worse?

I will not concern myself with what I’m no longer concerned with. Yet I do. Contradict indeed. I’ll grab your hand to lead the way to have concern for you its in my DNA.

It’s all of what God wants what if I do otherwise will I be quickly be condemned thrown to purgatory? No I’ve made the bed it’s my consequence nothing more.

Lazy thoughts cloud conclusions unknown to basic rationalization Algorithm calculation 

Over processed, infected by a virus. You are my virus, no cure in sight.
Seeds you planted are now overgrown weeds in my mind

Trimming them only makes them grow~
Bumpy potholes all over the road
Don’t make me your mission don’t be a mortar for me. Opposition. Save me.
Cloudy day you will not catch me vulnerable off guard 
I awake to………..An instant acute awareness of all things, sharpened senses that if not properly used self destruct

I concealed my soiled hands behind my back, somewhere along the line I must have gone off track
I see the end…. Look don’t you… I forget your vision is clouded, and I’m filtering differently too. Lacking true vision that’s you

Like bad news of a death you speak of things you know not of, You hurt, is that all you know? Could be worse.
Unknown visitation trying you prepare. What exactly are you preparing for? Always be ready, You are you be you. It could be worse.

You loved and lost. But greater love is he who carries the Lord in their heart. Love never loses. 
It could be worse 

Skeletons with rotting flesh cling A pool of blood maps out the trail Stench of death fumes raise high many try running as many die, guess it could be worse~

I’m sick of awaking in a fog. God would you sit awhile let me hear your thunderous heavenly voice say it’s all okay including the fog and the occasional fire. 
Tell me how long will we grovel at the feet of wealth and power How long will we bow to their golden calf.

How long will we curtsey to all the new religions? They water down truth until truth will be no more.  

The awkward moment I see your mind is sick too, you only mimic society so they never knew, hypocrite~
Did God know bout you’re dyin day that it be of your own hand or his that has its way?
I feel so completely incomplete Take my hands stretch them out nail me to the cross then nail the cross to my feet Damn Martyr~

Laid upon the tall green grass my mind laid in textiles like tapestry in my head. Dampened thoughts moist with residue of complex philosophy and skewed intent wondering where the hell my life went in a different path, I feel alike lot Sylvia Plath~
There is steam on the window with writing on the glass….. But the words are blurry, I’m rushed in a hurry………. But to where I’m hurried too I know not. What does it say? Hurry……ok but where?

In this corner you think I’m in, your talons about to sink in I feel your claws grasping my skin… About to fly away with your prize your meal that has eyes.

Remember now I’m never how you envisioned maybe it be best you rethink your decision   

Clearly I might snap and sting causing extreme collision.

I’m the benefits fully loaded equipt but without warranty yet still a guarantee.
The further back I step more space allowed between

I feel you less

Like a dog

I allowed you

To kick me

I returned 

Again

Again

To my vomit

Then I had enough snapped and said the end~
Flesh hanging from my mouth….,..Carries the pieces you took from me raw and intact with my words my mouth alone. Your loss.

Herald bringer state the case close it well. Once told no more to tell. Usurper~
Sand storms blind suffocate Quick sand sucks you in like hate… Oh precious longing fate

Flares up as flames ignite, you sink into the quick sand you lost all control.
Figured you might~

Ensue the fight~

Problem is neither is right~
Truth be told I want what I want 

Needs not the same, I’m over all childish games,
I don’t listen therefore I get hurt, pouring more pain in my heart

Still I hope somehow deep inside we never part, that God will allow for us a start….
Suppose we Will see…
What could be worse

~I Could Have~

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I could stay here unmoved paralyzed
Caught between two places three faces
I could pray till my dying day
I could have so little or way to much to say
There are many things that could be done
Many battles to be won
But I always seem to surrender when it comes down to one ….. Battle
And they know, they know. Both warned. If one checked out the other left off. It could be that way forever
It could if I let it
It could if I would
It could because mostly both my life and my thoughts are misunderstood
It could be different if I chose
It could fade away I suppose
It could be this or it could be that
It could all be a matter of fact
It should
It could
It would
If only
Could

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~ Undeniable~

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Disappearing into your gravity can’t help it,

Spinning awkwardly

You raddled my mind 

shaking my existence to the core

Yet in the place I am, I desire more

More than the justice lacking

The people slacking

Cyber hacking

Only a bleak

Shell of someone

Something

Happening

Hanging by a thread

Still Attached to the needle

Somehow the thread won’t sever won’t let go

Yet the needle will not yield

There is no shield to protect me

Look around what do you see

I feel I’ve fallen to the ground

Your voice bleak so low in the background

I am still here still in tact 

Yet Am I a useful artifact

I love, I feel,  I have been healed

Or so it seems

Perhaps this all

Was just a dream

One I can never awake 

Maybe it is me my heart is yours to take~

~Autobiography in Five Short Chapters~

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Chapter 1.

I walk down the street

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk I fall in. I am lost…… Helpless.

It isn’t my fault.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk, I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again.

I can’t believe I am in the same place. But it isn’t my fault.It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3.

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it there. I still fall in…….. It’s a habit. My eyes are open, I know where I am. It is my fault I get out immediately.

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street, there is a deep hole in the sidewalk, this time I walk around it.

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

Anonymous ~

NJM~

The below song sums me up, and it’s to whoever knows all of me~

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=C6kLbDHu0yc

~Love & Hope Left the Building~For Real~

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There is a pain so deep the words escape my lips I have not uttered these words because they don’t exist.
My world has been torn and shredded for far to long and my head is full of hellish memories that won’t leave my mind alone.
Peace might come visit me but on a random schedule. No matter what day you see me out in public you would never know, because I wear my mask well. Smiling. Underneath crying.
For the very first time in my life all of the love, care, and selflessness all the good human qualities seem to be seeping out of me.
I cry out to God to take me, but I get no answer. So God where are you? If you read this and believe in God pray for me my life.
I’m not Robin Williams, not Whitney Houston, Prince or the latest tragedy. I’m like a storm out there in the nothingness brewing and has been for years.. If TIRED has ever been the only word to describe this or the condition of “can’t take no more.” Then how sad our human language is to not tap beyond boundaries to explore the truest meaning of that word. All I do is utter sounds as I cry out.
Oh death I care not of your sting! Sting the shit out of me, oh darkness go …….go gently in the night and take me with you, or give me courage to do as I’ve spoken of and thought of countless times.
I had many dreams and outcomes I once hoped for but after the scrutiny of this thing I call my life

All those dreams are dead as is my hope.
Call me a coward, pathetic or anything you wish. I don’t care I only wanted love just someone who loves me for me and wouldn’t hurt me but hold me. That does not exist. At least not in my world, not  as I need.

~Fragments of Life~ In Short Thoughts~NJM~

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“Thoughts of situations that have happened or may never happen. Some are in poetic brief statements. Others short stories, scenarios, entertained thoughts of mine I hope you relate to in some abstract form. This is a different style of writing I am attempting, I hope to engage all. I believe these fragments are yet to be, or already live between you and me

 

He drew in the smoke…watching the smoke that was not contained in his lungs wave and twirl. Slowly the pain went away.

Riveting! the chill spread up her spine, hair stood up on the back of her neck, and goose bumps covered her body.

Pressure from your hand crashed down through the glass obliterating it into a mini explosion of ice shards that sliced right through skin… I felt your need of me of each breath, each time you pressed again and again. Then circuits burned and all boards went down without messages needed to convey system failed. Even our binary was off beat. Not one code understood. Alone without value. Yet we stayed.

Spilt time puddled upon the floor of existence like a glass of milk pooled on the kitchen table waiting… To be cleaned up.

“He was so sick of having to check his blood glucose, so sick of needles, the infusions sets, and the carb counting, he was sick of being so different.”

There is a vessel of emptiness waiting to be filled by a presence so extraordinary that to contain it is not possible, yet to walk with it most probable furthermore destined.

Up head the distance revealed an alluring shadow likened to a darkness of smoke rather than of a shadow when examined closer. I indulged the illusion by complete acknowledgement only to be aware it wasn’t an illusion but you. Forces of nature gathered the four corners blowing the winds that crashed gracefully upon the shores as the sun burned brightly reflecting diamonds glistening in the sand retracting in your eyes.

Hands of precision tickling the tips of your split apart fingers reaching …Eyes that meet with twinkles and the awkward yet unfolding uniqueness of possible new love. Butterflies blossoming in my abdomen feeling like taking flight could be possible, as the moment etched further into their minds burning singeing in their hearts memories that live forever and he kissed her. Her first kiss.

She gurgled a scream that could be heard for a mile. The madness of her reality split. Vengeance seeped into her veins. She will never be the same.

Fragments of each other all scattered over our flesh our mind. Nanoparticles mixed by the human touches and shared thoughts, that’s what we are fragments, and I love each fragments each frame and all especially the stills. Captivating.

The psychiatric said to him, You have bipolar disorder. He looked baffled, no mental illness ran in his family. In a daze he stared back at the doctor… Thinking I won’t live like this. What will everyone say, the stigma, it’s already too much I can barely function.

“Couldn’t have been that profound if it didn’t stick.”

I often dream of far away places and far away faces obscure and unfriendly, and I can’t seem to wake up.

Swear we were packed like a can of sardines in that car, but it didn’t matter we were happy just to be there

I watched as the sky blossemed into a live picture show above the horizon slowly revealing itself inch by inch rising as it painted the canvas of the sky, the illumination grew stronger it was a sunrise to remember.

They yelled “sinner! Murderess! You’re killing your unborn child. Specters claiming to be Christians judging her as she walked closer to the clinic doors. The door seemed a mile away, she couldn’t help but shrink away inside and pray….God help me.They judged her. But yet call themselves Christians. If that’s Christianity I want no part of it.They judged her. But yet call themselves Christians. If that’s Christianity I want no part of it. Then climbed upon the examination table.

I got in!!! I got in!!! As he ran into his clique of friends. Waving his acceptance letter to the university that would pave his way to his unknown future.

Her legs dangled from the edge of the bed. Feeling all hope gone. Wondering if heaven and hell exist will God let her in… She swallowed the pills three by three and uttered  “Father, Son, Holy Spirit” looking down the bottle empty, as empty as she felt. The loss was too much. slowly consciousness slipped away.

I threw your little body up up into the air as you softly landed into my arms and I pulled you close. Your smell, your small hands your eyes big in wonderment looking at me… I was enveloped by your love my angel from God.

I narrowed in and lowered my knees just enough to give me the angle and sprint needed for an effortless beautiful dive.I swam to the edge of the pool looked up and it was you, we both smiled.

He was the object of her desire. He loved knowing this. Tormented her at times. Like Dangling carrots. Winds of change blew in and her heart finally desired someone who desired her back. He was left in the wake of her tides as she drifted away at sea farther from him and closer to the one to be her true lover. Regret festered in his desire at that moment.

At the speed of snail I passed your house. The wind blew harshly by. I stared hoping to catch a glimpse of you. I would have settled for the family dogs appearance. But you’re gone… And I wait like a fool believing you will return.

 

“Does our absolute rise beyond infinity or does it die when we do?”

 

“Sometimes I’m so tired of all of it I just feel like settling.”

 

Laying down eyes closed listening to the crackles of leaves beneath your feet and the trickle of the distant stream near by, my mind wanders, I can only imagine what we would do behind closed doors.

 

You’ll drive I’ll shoot. We’ll be a modern day Bonnie and Clyde. Naw Micky and Malory instead, what’s your thoughts?

The car door slightly open as one foot dangles in and the other out. Turning the key  in the ignition I stop and grin thinking about you and I’m positive you’re grinning too thinking bout me, aren’t we just the two?Me and you.

 

She eagerly waited like a kid waiting to open a gift for his call. Listlessly she hung her body on the end of the bed, half on half hanging off. A despair that was crawling in her. Then it rang. Her heart jumped and she sprung for the phone,  “Hey how you doing “His voice came across the line….. what he doesn’t know is she wasn’t doing nothing but hurting thinking he may not call. If he knew how she intense she felt he would call early on purpose….. But stubborn she’ll keep grim self deprecating sides to herself.

 

Mosaic of memories and pieces of a life kept in frames upon the shelf  but not kept in order randomly arranged.

 

Can I be a part of your Life time? and all the ones in between……..

Finally She ran into him. After years there he was on the same grocery isle as me only feet away. Years she thought in the same town, same small town. There eyes met but she quickly looked away. It was too much as tears puddled in corners of her eyes she felt a hand on her shoulder, he finally found the courage to tell her, speak to her… Was it too late? The pain to much? Her heart said “not this time. Your moment of extraordinary has arrived.” Let him in.” So she looked at him then to the ground as tears flowed. He lifted her chin to look at him. That was all it took. Forever began.

Not for Reproduction~NJM~

 

~Contemplating Courage~

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Courage is looked upon in many ways.
A definition I ran across explained courage as this : the ability to do something that frightens one.
My personal definition of
Courage is not caring how others view you, to believe in you and the abilities you have to meet the outcomes you strategically planned without validation or others approval. Courage it’s how you believe.

Courage. Powerful will etched upon ones soul. The Need to express, to attain, to make, to conquer, to bring down, to uplift, without fear of the result but with courage to step out in faith and take that approach, the strategy festering in one’s mind, words spoken, thoughts into realization, dreams to make come true. How many ask “Oh precious courage may I find you?”

Are dreams always positive? Courage can be warped, read the first above definition…. “That frightens one” why is courage frightening?
Why? It’s unknown, not knowing the outcome.
Is intent always pure?
Is the reason of intent for gain or to release?
Was the courage you conjured up original?
Was that yours? Your thoughts, ideas or was it recycled desires of others?
Originality?
What denotes the lack of ones courage?
Cowards are we? Taking no chance, no reason to believe?
Believe in what? Yourself? God? Merely un seen intangible power that propels you closer to what you invested into this venture called life that changes you forever.
Why?
Courage. Are you willing to die? To submit? To let go? To hold on, strike first, be humble?
Can being humble be thought courageous?
Is not the servant very often just a master in disguise? Serving takes courage… As does proper leadership.
Is it not also true that which may seem frail and meek often furious when threatened? Courage or instinct can it be both?
Temperament, continence the way one is perceived by others, does courage always show a badge of honor, or at times the code of silence,  even further the sentence of death.
Can courage also weaken ones being if inability is found in attaining the outcome desired when you took the step of faith and acted in courage? Will it leave you bitter? Resentful?
Or did the failure of your lacking courage fuel the fire, giving yet more to desire? To attain? To never refrain.
The bitterest truth is always better than any of the sweetest lies in that courage won’t deny.
Courage is rooted in control
To not feel off kilt to gain the balance needed to execute with flawless precision that which you value.
Repeat… That which YOU value.
Do you have the courage it’s down to decision.
Was the decision you made the one that was right?
Will it be a path of least resistance? Hardly…mostly it will be the need to fight? Mostly. Not always.
It takes courage you see in how you live, to learn to let go, to often forgive.
That’s right. It takes courage to let go, to let God, Destiny, the powers that be take over your steering wheel and sit back wait to see, if the courage to give control to a greater force than you? To hold you up carry you through.
Many may think letting go is giving up. I think it to be otherwise. By nature the need to “even the score” seems an ongoing theme. Vengeance ..hmmmm. A vengeful heart is never free. Shackled by the need, to even the wrong. what wrong? Oh the wrong you felt done to you. I see.
We have wrongs that we endured.
Letting go takes courage. To not dwell. Be done, released of the spell.
However, If it’s about holding on and never letting go be ready you see for to battle you go.
Courage that causes least harm to conquer what’s right.
If one can live/love by that code then how beautiful it would be, I believe it may change the definition you see.
Is courage rooted in selfish wants or for the greater good. Is the latter the better? Is the first good?
Best left for fate to decide for somethings are not to be touched taken and surely not mistaken. Especially in pride.
Pride can cloud your courage you see
Pride can be the demise leading to a bitter end, leaving you with nothing not even a friend.
Take courage
Be strong
Draw in a deep breath
Stand up act even if the action is indeed non action. Have no fear for In that notion alone you bring courage near.
Be courageous. Learn discipline too. In that word denotes courage in you.
Let it spill over and be contagious. Want to know my personal definition of courage? Courage = Faith.
The question is what is your faith rooted in?
Now ask yourself and live it, That simple.
The courage to believe and still let go, and all the while deep inside to truly know.
Take Courage.
Not for Reproduction~

~The Art of Giving and Receiving~NJM~

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It’s very simple you see……. You give me what I want, I’ll give you what you want, and we can be happy. Otherwise you Will never have me again never~Chose don’t ride the fence, otherwise piss off~

Biggest problem you have now is figuring out what I want. See my wants have changed. Do I want you to just be my friend? Do I just want  you to represent and acknowledge knowing that you met your match? Or do I want you as mine? Perhaps I want you to stop creeping all over  the net in disguise as usual and bugger off for good. You’re uber smart or at least you were, times change…..figure it out, I think you’re starting to.~NJM~

生病的都是你造成的伤害的痛苦修好了 ！最大的方法就是去永远离去 ！

~My Son~

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My Son life is gift and You are a gift to life~
My Son take care of yourself love yourself respect yourself and others will respect you~
My Son you will grow up and become a man never lose your inner child~
My Son you will win some and lose some don’t let the loss make you bitter but instead let it make you stronger~
My Son there is a God, we come from something bigger than us, give thanks and know God and angels watch over you~
My Son there will come a day that someone will let you down don’t lose your faith~
My Son there will be those who will lie about you, always do your best to tell the truth~
My Son you will fall in love one day remember love takes time to grow don’t jump in head first learn to understand each other to grow together~
My Son people say there is one great love in everyone’s life but remember that true love is immeasurable and to love alone is great~
My Son you will have many acquaintances and meet many people however you likely will have one true friend care for that friend and be there for them as I pray they will be there for you~
My Son you will meet many who are in need throughout your life do your best to be charitable learn to give~
My Son you will see many things in life that are unfair but do your best to not judge and know life eventually evens the score~
My Son you will come across others who are miserable and rude learn to be kind don’t take it personal be and example~
My Son don’t let other’s influence your thoughts learn to think for yourself~
My Son there will come a day where you will be afraid be brave and overcome~
My Son there will be those who will tell you are not good enough, know your value never sell yourself short~
My Son you will face the impossible in life don’t let it stop you , every dream can become a reality strive and press on and always do your best make your dreams come true I have faith in you~
My Son be different don’t conform stand out from the rest, stand tall, stand proud~
My Son there will be times in life to be humble, learn from this, understand this, grow from this~
My Son you can not save the world but you can make your area of the world a better place, care for mother earth the beautiful animals and those who have less than you, respect what you have been given take care of what is given you and greater things will come your way~
My Son not everyone is afforded the opportunity to understand and be educated learn to have patience learn to teach~
My Son you will grow older and people will die, we all die, still live life to the fullest~
My Son when I die and you need me after I’m gone know that a part of me is always there in your heart and in your mind that energy never dies it only changes form and I will see you again one day~
My Son you’re the greatest gift in my life I’m sorry for the times I’ve fallen short know I did the best I knew how that I love you always you are my heart, you are my reason, You are my Son~
Not for Reproduction~NJM~

 ~So we accept the Presidential outcome, for now……..~

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So we must accept the presidential outcome, for now….. 
We are making history. Everyday since Donald Trump was elected there have been protest all across America… holding signs saying “Trump is not my president” Well actually he is, how unfortunate.. right? Yes it is.

In my years on this earth I have lived through racism, LGBT was term coined an acronym so to speak used to support those who are Lesbian,Gay, Bi sexual, Transgender back in early 90’s. We broke some barriers.. SOME being the key word.
Yet still no reform for those who have mental disabilities. Oh well my Bipolar mind will keep going and writing. speaking out Against a president that made fun of a disabled person. I have more knowledge and education in my little pinky than our president elect has in his whole body.Further more I have more Etiquette & Public Relations experience as well. However my disability limits my actions. Say it with me everyone “DISABILITY”.
I was impressed with Obama eight years ago. The fascination is over. However, I can still remember how hopeful I was when Obama got elected. Since then my life has been a yo yo. I’m no longer impressed with him or our nations political process.
I believed we would come together in the human race and allow inclusiveness not elite exclusives. We could come together, truly I believed that.
Politicians set stages to make promises not able to be carried out. So forth an on, and on, and on… you get the picture.
What blows me away is the division in our own country.

Where running for electoral office Is like playing on elementary school yard. You know what? Elementary school can’t touch this, it is felt all over the angst and fragility that has caused the divide. Here’s how it goes…..one candidate gets dirty information to discredit the others candidates whispering secrets to each other about what the other may have done, what kind of dirt they can find on the other candidate.
Basically they sling shit at each other….. aren’t we supposed to be civilized? No. we never were.

We are barbaric, wonder how many furs the First Lady owns…. hmmmm Anyhoo…

We chose to believe we were. Look around at the unrest and protest and it’s clear we are taking steps back, and have chosen an atrocious president(God be With Us).
So as I lay in bed half the day again since the election. Why? Depression. My illness. Looking at all of this division and unrest provokes my bipolar. Lately I am just mostly depressed. Oh you wouldn’t know it if you saw me in public, but you would know it if I could join in on the protest. I live in a semi enlightened area where flashing your rebel flag is seen often, a symbol of hate in my opinion. So if I protested I might get run over. Scarier still is my son is half black, each day he goes to a predominately white school where he has to hear more bullshit about how great Trump will be for president. Thank God he has a few teachers who agree with his opinion. His opinion? He wanted Hillary. He watched debates he understands disablement and racism. I rarely discussed who I wanted to win with him of the less of two evils. I wanted him to think for himself. He was shocked at America. He said he would protest too but he is only 13 and there are no protesters where we live.
People hating each other again, talks of taking away gay rights,

Racism is just a tad of it. Donald Trump should not be our president elect yet he is. It shows me how growth is an illusion, and that’s what makes me disillusioned. 
Where is the America Land of the Free home of the brave including free speech and the right to protest ? I’ll tell you. Divided that’s where America is. What a shame. People judge, I judge. Everyone wants to be heard. We are caught in the gravity of this situation, as it sucks us ALL in.
A man that makes fun of disabled people. Who files bankruptcy for his advantage to just start anew and pass yet more debt onto the banks and judicial system….pushing the buck. …Hey by the way what does happen with all those right offs? Who eventually pays for large fuck ups like Trump who has filed bankruptcy numerous times over the last 3 decades over failed endeavors. Oh God will America be his next failed endeavor?

We now have model for a First Lady …. how will our young women feel when they can’t attain the status quo of outer beauty? After all first Lady’s are seen as a role model not an actual model for our young women. See she is just arm Candy for Trump.How will she set a tone for our up and coming professional women….. um that isn’t gonna happen under Trumps rain. Because this First Lady doesn’t have what it takes other than her looks.
So to conclude………………..

In my opinion…. and everyone has one just like an

Asshole… brace yourself we are under Trump regime.
May God be with us as a Godless man takes rule.