~Living With Bipolar 1~NJM~ The Maze~

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I am the lab rat. I am in a maze. There is no way to ever solve the maze as of yet.I can move from front to back, left to right, but the outcome is always gonna be the same redundant cycle.

I’ll never exit the maze. There are beautiful parts in the maze, scary parts, agitated parts, renovated parts, crazy parts, serine parts, but all those areas have no exit out.
Every person experiences the illness a bit different.

Treatment of the disorder is a must in order to live productively
It’s been bittersweet. I have been through many stages of the illness and 4 manic attack each triggered by extreme stress.
I also picked myself up and learned to live through my divorce and custody struggle.
I don’t trust many people but I do not isolate myself as I once did as I used to.
I have a part time job that deals with the public.
It’s like a roller coaster ride. Or surfing. You roll with the tides, and learn each time.
It’s pride I actually feel now, but must stay humble. I advocate for the stigma of bipolar to diminishes and begin to accept and love what has been mistunderstood for far to long. We have tackled openly everything except mental illness. Many people have some type of mental illness.
I’ll tell you this, through prayer and creativity, God, and my beautiful Son, I like me.

I’m ok with me.
Bottom line it’s not bad at this point of my life.
Thank God~

~The difference between Bipolar & Schizophrenia~

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By symptoms alone is there any relation. One is a mood disorder = Bilolar Disorder.Schizophrenia is a psychotic disorder.

People who have bipolar tend to seem schizophrenic when manic.

Mania only mimics schizophrenia.

The two are still very different.

Schizophrenia does not come in cycles and it also has issues with constant voices sometimes hallucinations, and a skewed touch of what is reality.

Both illness can be treated and those with the illness can lead a good life with a strong support system and meds.

~It’s Been 1 Year~

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What can I say, It’s been 1 year that I developed this blog. I developed it for several reasons. To educate and bring insight to mental illness and bipolar disorder which I suffer from. Let me rephrase that, that I have been blessed with, yes I said blessed with.

Sure there are times that I suffer, don’t we all suffer at times? Most times we actually bring the suffering upon ourselves….most of the time that is. There are circumstances that occur that we have no control over, and these circumstances can cause distress and pain.

Bipolar however can be used for the beauty and creativity that makes it the “Genius” disorder. Don’t get me wrong, all of us have a inner genius we can tap into, but truth be told some of the greatest people in our eternal history were afflicted with bipolar disorder, great prolific writers, artist, philosophers, inventors to name a few titles that bipolar disorder will forever be attached to.

Bipolar disorder invokes strong passionate feelings about so much. It’s why we have the super highs and the plummeting lows. But when you can find your niche and the right treatment for the illness you can do amazing things. Don’t get me wrong I have my “Silver Lining’s Playbook” moments….the Bradley Cooper Character parts, the ones that you know where you put something and will tear the house down looking for it all the while raging and possibly fits of crying….I also have the insight he had. If you have never seen the movie I highly recommend it. Two people Bradley Cooper plays “Pat” and Jennifer Lawrence plays “Tiffany” both of them suffer mental illness.

 

Their lives lead the into a cross road that intertwines and brings the two together. It brings two talented crazy ass, beautiful people together. Know what? They fall in love. I have been blessed with a very similar situation in my life. It intertwined with someone that I first saw two years ago at an AA meeting.

What I can say is this, the right person can be amazing and be the balance you may be missing. Am I saying go run out and find someone? Hell No! It’s a natural unexpected occurrence. You never know when are how, but when the timing is right they walk into your life and the puzzle begins to fit and come together.

Am I saying that another person is the answer? Again NO! your answer is to balance,and this can be many other things. But that’s the key. Balance and low to no stress levels. See I was in abusive relationship for several years. Events due to my illness and circumstances beyond my control propelled me forward, and low and behold her I am. Standing up, good people around me. Part time job, with a great boss. A wonderful partner. All I have to finish is this custody battle and the finality to the divorce which will be soon.

Look just like you I am feeling my way around this unexpected and mysterious life, illness….but one thing I will say is “Thank God” for my life has not been a random series of events, oh no..see I have watched things unfold in my lowest moments, and trust I have hit bottom on a few occasions. Each time I watch God maneuver and work all the kinks out. Believe how you chose, but I know what I lived.

 

Life without belief and faith is a random occurrence of events that have so many variables that there is no cohesive qualities. But a life of faith one rooted in God is a life of destiny and each occurrence brings you one step closer to the true reason you were placed here on this planet. One step closer to Kismet.

I plan to do more writing in this next year, I am still working on a Novel, but until some finalities in my life play out I have put it on the back burner.

I also Plan to continue to advocate and educate for the awareness of mental illness and taking the stigma away, to show others that we are human and we hurt and feel and love just  as they do, just sometime more intensely more passionately. I plan to be a voice in the wilderness of the void, a voice that has no true voice, just random  people here and there willing to admit to or casually speak about their personal struggles. I want to change the concept and understanding of mental illness and especially bipolar disorder.

To those who stop by and read my blog, thank you. To those who follow my blog thanks for your support!

Till my next post, be blessed, stay safe, be well.

Much Love~

NJM~

~Truth About Hacking Part 2~

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I was in thought this morning after prayer and it occurred to me that back in April of this year that my Ex-husband hacked my twitter account. He was looking through my direct messages between myself and Luke Cole a friend I had met via Quora as well as another friend. He did this twice. I had to post this because it shows you how vulnerable twitter accounts are, and how easy it is to get into another person account. Further more you don’t need to be Tech Savvy or a hacker of sorts to do so. His knowledge of such is minimal.

So remember that twitter is indeed a very vulnerable and easily available. This is true even for secured/locked accounts.

 

To further add insult to injury the very same person then created an account to follow the two males I was in communication with. After the most recent incident he then tweeted about the whole thing to these very people stating in the tweet that I had threatened to kill both him and my son as well as being baker acted(involuntary mental assessment).

 

It would also appear that my Quora account had been tampered with as well, hence the reason I am only posting here. Although I have not completely deactivated that account. I am considering doing so, but realize that much of my work on that blog is indeed helpful to those individuals that suffer mental illness.

 

This person tried to commit suicide back on May 17th of this year when I expressed my need to end this abusive relationship. I have since obtained the baker act of my ex-husband in regard to this situation as well as other incriminating health issues including but not limited to bulimia, anger issues, and severe alcohol dependency. I intend ti submit these to the courts.

 

I have court tomorrow and pray I find favor with this situation.

 

Thank you to those who are keeping me and my son and this situation in their prayers.

~Hacking~

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Recently my twitter account’s were hacked causing a great deal of pain and a mess in regard to my mental state of mind, as well as the custody of my son. My son is a type 1 diabetic and has Aspergers. I recently had left a very abusive relationship.The man who abused me and my son was given temporary custody of my son due to twitter statements. I repeat again due to social media that my son was taken from me. That alone is nuts.

The police that did this is also the very police that have done this before. This police department has come under fire recently due to their involvement in the KKK, yes thats right the KKK. My son is half black, I am creole.

Back in April of this year the person whom I was with hacked into my twitter obtaining my direct messages to a few friends that he believed I was in some romantic relationship with. Mr. Raley did this on 3 separate occasions.

If anyone knows of litigation that could aide in my quest for justice in regard to this situation to please leave information in the comment area of this post.

I ask anyone who believes in God and prays to please keep me lifted up in prayer and pray for the safe release of my son to be once again in the arms of the mother who loves him and has walked through hell to be with.

Thank you to all who support my efforts as well as my being open to discuss my illness and to be an advocate in regard to mental illness in society today, the discrimination we face as well as the stigma.

once again, thank you.

God Bless.

What is the Minimum You Want From Yourself?

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To percieve the beauty inside and around me.

To want to grow old, and stop wanting to die young, I romance death often. It’s a control thing. I’m to young to be old, and to old to be young, hinged between these two areas cause extreme conflict within an eternal teen.

To realize it’s ok. I’m ok. As screwed up as my life was, is, and could be, it’s ok. This ties into the death wish thingy.

To attain the true love outside of myself through another person, a kindred, soul mate, partner in crime, someone to kill time with.

Keep God in the center, and let God walk with me around the corners and edges~