~Sorry experiencing Technical Difficulties~

Excuse my blog for a few days it has a malfunction in the FIRE WALL! it’s fixed soon thank you~

~NJM’s~ Personal Quotes~

A life lived for another is no life at all. Be yourself~who are you living for?

~Coming Soon~

I haven’t written in awhile and soon I will be writing about why. It is called 101 days of Hell~ and in more contemplative thoughts I’m working on how one can achieve happiness alone….. Yes I said happy and alone in one sentence and it feels good~

Does someone who is bipolar know that they’re wrong when they are verbally abusive and threatening during a manic phase?

Well, I’m speaking of my experience.
No and yes.

When manic, your sense of boundaries are skewed. The filter that most individuals use and have in place cease to exist.

In the manic phase, mania takes on many forms. Strong hostility, as well as a viscous tongue can arise if provoked even the slightest by someone who at one time or another failed me, these fails will indeed rise to the surface.

With that I’ve never been dishonest with my words but verbally abusive would fit. What I would say was often very true about what I felt about things they’ve done. But it was said very harshly, and with viscous intent. The message I conveyed was not false , but was said in such abrupt disregard that it would leave its scar.

Threatening. I only threatened when I was threatened. By that I mean because I’m bi polar, and may be within a confrontation , statements ” like you need to take your meds”or “no one will believe you cause you crazy ” will set me off, especially since those words are meant to make me feel less than, and with ignorance. Which at that point I will zone into all character flaws of the said individual I’m in conflict with and rip them to shreds, at which point I can leave them speechless.

In short I must be provoked in order to act in such ways. Granted I’m more sensitive when manic. So if the person is aware of my state. Then all could be avoided. It’s all in the care, in the handling.

Most of those whom I’ve done this too, had in most cases abandoned me when I may have needed them most. And when they needed me most I was there for them in their time of need.This is why I’ve burned a few bridges. But if they were unsupportive of me after my diagnosis then those bridges need not be crossed again.
These are my experiences , the only thing I felt bad for was how I said it. How I said it, and my intent behind it. But I was never sorry for speaking the truth.
Written 16 Dec, 2013. Asked to answer by Marcus Ford.

~The Truth of Lies~

I’ve endured loss. Twice I’ve been lied to. I’ve been lied to by two separate people.
Lies produce loss and a breakdown of trust.
This time I did not retaliate. I stepped back. I thought of the innocent that is Involved. I panicked at first, but decided to stay calm.
I’ve lied. So have you. We all have. We saw others do so, in our observation we learned to deceive and lie. We were not designed to lie, but the world taught us.
Upon the knowledge of these lies
I went against all I normally do. Being bipolar can make you impetuous. The first 24 hrs were the hardest.
Will I even confront them? No. I will speak one day to them. Tell them I know of their lies.
I will remember we are all Gods children. Some believe this others don’t. I chose to believe this.
Hasty actions produce destruction and broken people. I’m trying to recover what is left of me and rebuild from there.
This means to reflect, something I don’t do enough of. I like to think I do.  Like anyone else I want to be happy, don’t you?
My significance is not measured by yours. My happiness is not measured by yours. But my truth is mine and I strive to not compromise this.
We all have a value system. I think my highest value is in honesty, yet I’ve been dishonest with others before in my life. Go figure.
Jesus said “he who is without sin cast the first stone” how many stones will you cast today. How many will you judge?
I will strive to take different approaches , to not let others dishonesty become mine. I hope to not allow them to hurt me again. I pray I also don’t hurt others.
Lies and honesty comes with a cost, the catcher is you decide how much the bill will be~

~More of DAR last Will and Testament~5/17/2014 4 damn years…. wait it’s a 4! (Inside joke) 4 is lucky happy Godly ~~truly~

More of his text to my son and me, from May, 17th 2014. For the record if you ….and you know who are..keep trying to use my mental disability against me. When my Lawyer and I are finished with you, the truth of your illness’s will be revealed, notice the plural on illness. Bulimia, Alcohol dependency,Lies, Thieving, anger issues…to name a few.

So it may appear things are in your favor for now, however, if God be for us/me then who can be against us/me.

Donnell Kerr  Christian~follows give me support on this very critical post!


Donnell Margaret Donald KERR~
There is no easy way to put this

No easy way to say

But you all think you are a Christian in a comfy corner you pray~

While your own flesh and blood did you turn away~

Does Jesus not say, Whatsoever you do to the least of my children that I do unto you?

Yes I believe that has been written~


My son……your blood as a new born kitten, you turned your back to a blind eye did you give, Do you really think in heaven you’ll live?

You dress all fancy on Sunday and sing put on your holy face~

But the promise the Lord made to his children is he will wipe you out erase from the book of life you see

You all turned your back on Donnell’s son trust this is not about me.

So when you read Gods word you sing and you pray it’s the blood of the innocent for which you will pay~

He did nothing to you, or you, or you, but I can tell you’re all ignorant and have not a clue~No Holy Spirit abides within you!

Suffer not the little children… hmmmm….

You go about life as though your grandson/Son Doesn’t exist~

On judgement day you’ll feel the Lords fist slam down the book make you take a look., Hypocrite you see? Think you better than me? Than the rest? Time God puts you to the test~ or maybe give it a rest, nope it’s the contrary~

Hey your daughter Noel some call a fairy? I think you know what I mean some say a queen, but it is what it is, so she’s gay, did not your God make her that way? Yes I believe he did.

Hey she is cool with me but the Bible you read doesn’t accept that you see?

You can live free~

On time bought buy the blood~

Times running short~

And so is the love~

Those who reject others reject themselves in turn God also will reject you~

Not sure what bible you read, But you know not the creed.

You Judge and sit tight now~

Think it’s all right now~

Time has a way of making you complacent you see?like so many others, fake and a snake slither the earth~

Not sure why I write this for I do not curse, vengeance is God’s~

Perhaps I am a small instrument he used to keep you on track and not be confused.

God is not the author of confusion you see, I’ll always accept you, yet you have yet to accept me or my son~

Perhaps retribution has begun……

Turn the other cheek?

Turn away the meek?

The weak?

Helpless?

Well …you did!

He now is a young man

No longer a kid.

I write all this down~

It’s my therapy you see~

I advocate for breaking stigmas~

Breaking exclusiveness~

Bringing in inclusiveness~

For all who suffer affliction~

Both physical and of the mind~

I try to think myself kind~

I often fall short~

Trust I’m no saint that’s for sure~

But enough is enough I’m letting you …..now endure~

Forgive me for my in your face ways, but we all know the bill somebody pays~

Truly I strive to forgive I try to be courageous in how I now live~

Such as this is the case but I truly give thanks for Gods loving grace~

God’s grace abounds the utterance the sound of cries long gone from days long past~

To think at one time I thought Your sons love for me and his child might last~

I want to thank you for training up your child Donnell in the way he should go, so that when he gets old he will not depart from it.

So I write a lot in quiet I sit, no doubt I’m a sinner too,

But I’m sure I’m not a sinner like you~

Not for Reproduction~

Updated~Two Week Notice~yeah already~—

Dear God up above I can still feel your love…. but I’m sorry to say I must leave go away~ you called me a light worker, I can only do so much never ever figured out what is the human touch.

You blessed me with human a beautiful baby boy. I’m entrusting you to him, he is a child and yet my sin~when I try to write my book I don’t even know where to begin my life was fast like a whirlwind…and pieces scattered about and within

It’s all like a puzzle that was left in a closet hidden away, no one notice nor knew what to say

Laying by the devils side it isn’t hard to decide, he is the God of this world I now see, and I figured out the exit for me…. for any who look and choose to see, my mission complete~

So just give two weeks notice and keep the memories they serve no purpose when I’m gone. My words will live on and on. I planted seeds along the way, somehow though was led astray. So here I am Lord here I lay so I request an early judgement day.

I would do the same for my son, I would love him no matter what he may have done.

I ask in return you bless his life free of worry grief strife…. to live to laugh to love to know I can still see him from far above.

I laid by the devils side for over half my life it caused me to much pain to much strife and as a human being I’m sick of this life… I quit. Well I’m giving my two week notice as any good employee of a universal truth I must say I did enjoy my youth….. sometimes…. it reminded me I wasn’t meant for here, I was wild free and truly fierce scared of NOTHING!!!! Not even death. I couldn’t wait to take a last breath… but I endured and at times I laughed

But often rejected due to class, stereotypes, and bullshit in general full circle around but this time my Lord I leave this playground~ two weeks notice not to long to go and when I get where I’m Going please don’t say “I told you so” see ya soon!

Probably by noon

NJM~Personal Quotes~

Sometimes festering in your own shit,covered inherently in your ignorant deceit may you look in the mirror & realize it’s time to come clean~

~Bipolar,The Unique Truth about the illness and my theories~

First I urge you the reader to watch a movie called “Touched by Fire” with Katie Holmes… the depiction of the two characters bring this post together. They are two bipolar individuals that’s all I will say. Watch it.

Bipolar the unique truth
Truth is there are many bipolar people with a unique gifts of art, it springs forth from our well to bring to life what we hope others will get, will understand.
I write poetry through my heart

My veins, my brain. Some other bipolar people paint, some sing, some Dance, some sculpt, and others like me, the countless thousands that write.
I consider myself a warrior fighting a cause trying to educate and break mental health stigma I also bring my demons out to display for all to see. That’s pretty ugly and unique. Hang it all out, air the bullshit I fester in at times, don’t we all?
Here is the thing, even warriors get weary and tired, and at times may even feel defeated.
I feel this as I write it, however by days end I’ll feel completely opposite I will feel empowered.
You may be a bipolar person, however every one of us is so unique so very unique.

I have been told all my

Life I have a switch, like a light switch that goes off if I’m done such as with let’s say …chemical addiction I am addicted for awhile to some drugs as an example. Cocaine, ecstasy, acid that kind of stuff I did at various times of my life, only to put it down. Still down over 15 years or more to this point and I pray it will always stick, it has thus far.
Now Mary Jane is like a best friend that I can hug goodbye, then check up on Mary Jane and alas, we have a long visit. Then I hug her again. Only to keep visiting.
Longest I ever told Mary Jane see you later I didn’t see her for 5 years….. that’s along time.
I’m similar with cigarettes but I have never been a real lifer for cigarettes.
I pick those up during stressful times. Like a switch I turn it back off till it illuminates again and the switch is turned on….. hey maybe it’s a glitch…

Today is the full moon. The moon affects bipolar people.
Say what you will, the cosmic energy changes the ebb and the flow of the ocean and pulls stronger because we are closer to our moon. If it affects a huge ocean then I view it as ……how much more can it affect us little humans. I mean come on it’s pulling an ocean sitting by us you think it don’t affect us, Ha. Ok.
Anyway these are my theories. Adopt them as your own if it rings true. Examine it if it doesn’t.
For some the full moon energizes their soul, others melancholia, others deep depression.
It is a shackle. I have theories about mental illness for a very long time. We live in a multidimensional world.
I often wondered if the mentally ill are tapping into the other dimensions the ones that others can’t hear, see, or feel.

I have others who have witnessed phenomena in me with regard to two things, first I seem to affect electrical currents in my area around me lights and such . Second the ability to tell you about something important that is gonna happen if you’re close to me.

This has been witnessed and many can tell you, yep she does.
This only started again, notice I said again, yes again after 3 years. See I was away around lies and deceit for the duration of my marriages, I listened and bought into the lies …. then I broke free after my divorce…for the last three years of my life, I stopped listening to lies, I’m in what I call a spiritual cleanse zone.
I can do things others can’t or maybe they can I haven’t met them yet, do you have phenomena too? just like I have , are you bipolar and have a phenomenon like myself which only adds to what I feel is extremely unique.
I had gifts when I was younger and not tainted by this world nor afflicted with atrocious disease of the mind. I prayed and meditated for hours in nature back then. My gifts at its apex. But years of hearing and buying into those lies affected my gifts. We all have some kinda strange gift if you tap into it.
Removing yourself from all lies or to recognize lies(spirit bares witness to others) the lies others speak you will and can know. But how do you know if they are lying?
For me It’s a silent “I know”.A feeling a sensation I pick up on.
Sometimes it’s just a quick whispers brief then gone.
This is me. This is how I am navigating my outer worldly experience. The queue’s I receive.
I don’t dabble in dark arts. My mother did. She was sought after on the bayous of Louisiana. People come from all over the bayou to see her. To hear what she had to say.
She then had a change of heart made me burn all my albums( so long ago lol albums) all my records.
I couldn’t wear pants anymore and I got to go to 6 th grade at a weird school from the church she joined. It was Like a mixture of Assembly of God or Pentecostal type of practice.
Yet I survived my crazy ass formidable young years as best I could, well that was until I revolted and got married at 14.
I was rebellious, against the grain. I think that was a charismatic draw when I was younger I had a few select friends.
Wherever we went, when we arrived the party started and most flocked to me it flowed… it was a powerful feeling.
So see yours may be different it’s why I have given you a quick narrative of my life.
So how are the meds going? Well? What was your cost? Mine was feelings, eyesight, weight, rapid weight gain. A few more add on’s.
My meds are Lamictal, Serquel, Clonopin. Not to mention pain meds for another condition.
Cool fact I’ve only had three cavities. My mom was big about brushing my damn teeth.
Hey! I have a bright smile. That is if I’m not in one of the many moods that flow through me every hour. Yes every hour.
See another difference. My Mind is in a variation or some would say rapid cycle.
Yours may be still, constant depressed, or you could be in a full blown manic episode.
In order to make any stride In Breaking stigma we must begin to be honest with ourselves.
We walk blindly sometimes through a day our thoughts jumbled.
But are we living our truth, bearing the scars and being open about your unique illness and the unique art it invokes in you.
Can we all feel empowered always, the answer is No. however we can strive, press onward.
For us our creativity and our illness make us so unique, so let your colors out and color outside the lines.
Don’t be afraid, we all have at one time or another. However, this is coming from someone who has had a rough ride getting to this place of complete honesty.
A place to tell my story without fear. Worry about nothing, care about most things, leave the rest behind. That’s my quote…
Thanks for stopping in and reading my post.
Have a beautiful day and watch out for our full moon tonight!