Trying to get the filth off
Within and without
Mind filled with sickening doubt
Walking in circles
Looking for miracles
None have yet manifested
Deception braking connection
Indifference is contagious
Contagious and you’re attitude
Fighting the urge
To reach out
Only to be sickened
Your Atoms and neutrons
Electrons spin in swirl
Protons completely out of this world
Mixing within me
I can see
Sickened by your previous deception
To your evil heart vicious
And I’ll always be suspicious
Of why you chose me
Was your vision clouded?
What? You couldn’t see
What a beautiful heart beneath this flesh beating barely in my chest…….
Stop! I’m not returning!
I’m purging you out
I stay pure
Holding this life together
Because you tore it apart
I’ll purge all the urge
To never get close to you again~
Not for Reproduction~
Did he know?
Turning her away
Catching each gaze
Allowing to stare
Did he care?
Holding her heart
Tore it apart
Did he cry?
Knowing his lie
Would crush her
Can he live?
Give back to her
Parts he broke
Or will he choke?
As he cries gasping for air
Knowing just how little he cared
Will he recognize?
His selfish condition
Serving him first
Will he lie?
Compensating for his
Will he come clean?
Tell the truth openly
Hoping his loss and his story
Will teach reach others like him
Or Will he fester in disdain?
Always thinking he is above
He is right
Never learning heartless cold
Slowly as he takes his lies to his death as he grows old.
Or can he find courage?
Knock on her door
Eyes down looking at the floor
Asking forgiveness for the trouble he caused, the pain he unleashed
Finding each word as they spill forth from his mouth…. Freeing his soul
Bringing healing to her finally made whole
Did he know?
Not for Reproduction~
There is a sadness that runs so deep
Out my pours it begins to seep
Little pools of vomit from the little holes
It started today
Again you turned my love away
What do I do with this love
I know it is true
But where do I keep it
I have not a clue.
I stayed up late my usual routine
Arose at 11
I never rolled a lucky 7
Snake eyes is my true roll
I seem to gamble with my soul
What do I do with this love
Tuck it away
The edges slip out
I pray dear God why was I born?
Maybe I’m feeling you like I often do
Maybe you’re Sad and without a clue.
What do I do with the love meant only for you
When you turn me away
Telling me to let you go
You say ~Darlin you need to let me go, I’m not good for you~
How the fuck can you know, you think you are gifted with insight from some realm
Some unseen sight
You can’t truly be sure
Our love just might….
Survive in the place i prepared just for us
But my sadness pours out of my pours like puss
Please stop all this shit
The guise the game
For once in your life make a true change
I’m trying to work on my book
And my article post
Instead I hear my heart let it go
What do I do with the pain of rejection all my life
I never said take me as your wife
Just be there in the place I made just for two
That place I prepared for me and for you.
Do you love me too?
I’m impetuous and cruel
Act play a fool
When you turn me away
I didn’t ask for much
Just that you stay.
Is it because you can’t forgive yourself from the past
How you hurt me so
I lashed out then ran fast
Why is it I love the one who hurt me most
Who haunts me daily like a ghost?
What do I do with this love?
Tell me please
My mind is rambles already diseased….
What do I do with this love
What this love?
The subtle trapping of the flesh
Does eat the soul alive…
The folly of words that spin the web
Leaving strife and lies.
The subtle desensitizing of the mind
Eating way at the cells misfiring
Does the spirit still dwell even against its contrary morals?
Against the angst and frailty of justice?
And doth contempt churn within,
As disconcerting as before the subtle lies of hatreds whore?
~Hatreds Whore Part~2~
You crazy fool you think you have yet again advanced your position in this life?
Coddled entitlement chokes you and leads you ignorantly through the trenches you walk daily… Believing your own demented truths!
And does your existence prove to be so profitable?
Does your opinion truly count?
Or does thy soul eat away
The core of your spirit that
Dances idly alone through clouded dreams pass the Laws of men smothered by society’s brew eats the meat and flesh of your bones, your life and lies doth slowly chew, and spew…… You out… Spit forth
Leftovers are all you are fool, and to think you never knew !
And does thy soul magnify and convey the torment ?
Or do you smile, all the while eating lies up like a child?
~Epilogue to Hatreds Whore~
The Will of youth is fading
Hinged between realm’s of grey, black, white…..wrong, right smeared dripping, bleeding into each other~
Not yet divided by age ……definitely, to young to be old, to old to be young.
Seemingly timeless, don’t we wish to believe~
Thy will was strong, Ah Thy youth vigorous! Consuming, Passionate……..Yet time upon earth has broken the will of your youth, tainted, choked the spirit of your present condition once shared Devine connection….. Suffocating in a conformist fashion…Pre-made a template duplicated…. Scorned…even Hated~
Strange strengths unknown alive yet Lacking discipline~Ominous thoughts scatter about
Eating around the skirted Subjects best left secret, leaving no clue~
Unmastered skill yielding strength
imparting ability to carry forth much more intense tasks yet to be finished with flawless execution, instead drained by surrounding energies pertaining to tasks, trying times, ever smudging smearing lines~
Visions inspired by God… That great cosmic master have wiped the slate of prophecy clean~
Over exposure to environment wiped the mind void …..trying to distinguish which voice……… which vision was God, or Demons now lurking in corners, and shadows awaiting moments of weakness to torment thoughts, your soul.
Mute Divinity the Holy Spirit once directing every step, every action of times long lost…… Lost long before this present condition, this meager existence.
Doth this evil that exist supersede the once enveloping presence man thought God to be?
Those philosophical longings… Greater questions lingering, longing for answers……
Has exposure edified the presence of human thought upon God, as deceitful, longing to have control?
Does thought of a Godless world Condemn us swiftly without Regarded thought?
Without belief in tact?
Skeptics … Dare we be?
Ah we must! Indeed.
It’s down to science to fact…..Facts often proven failures later due to fallacy, policy, ignorance believing that the mysteries of the unseen, angels, demons the Supreme One are false?
Your Experience prevails or does it Lack?
Has doubt allowed hate to negate….contradicting lies, sealing history’s fate? Squeezing the life out, draining needs of things considered holy, Devine, to seemingly cease?
Or does it thrive within you alive?
Hatred you whore, you demonic thief… Reeking havoc destruction and grief, yet easily graceful, alluring, enticing to beseech, even more so to easily reach~
Insidious belief difference divides
opposes thought……,action with deceit, malice, subtle thief….. whore, that hate, Trying to cloud human fate….
Venomous rage, collected, captured shackled in a cage
Scorned trifling rage
Hate… You whore
Ever present searching for more~
Hating today as much as yesterday maybe a little more….
Thus my name is Hatreds Whore~
Not For Reproduction~
Let’s establish a platform for what I’m about to address. Politics is a good place. Below is a general description of what politics mean.
Activities associated with the governance of a country or other area, especially the debate or conflict among individuals or parties having or hoping to achieve power.
I work with others, I stand with others, I promote with others, I believe with others, I fight with others, I dream with other of a day where I no longer must address issue’s such as what I am about to do in this post. Notice all I do with others, notice that I’m part of the collective of “others” like myself.
I try very diligently to educate and facilitate the changes needed to break mental health stigma. You know…. let’s move outside a little more, let’s be inclusive and break all stigma right? Wrong.
Perhaps I’m a bit more skeptical these days. Perhaps it’s cause I’ve invested my time effort that has compelled me to write this.
A question if I may, to provoke a thought process. Can you tell who suffers mental illness by looking at them? In some cases you can, but in 85% you can not.
The 15% are those hospitalized. Or have apparent visual aspects of said mental illness publicly.
I’m gonna ask another question. Why do we suffer, and further why do we suffer alone? Why do we have to go into full explanation of a disability at all? Seen or not seen?
Because it’s the politics of this subject, the debate, the fact that most anyone who is seemingly normal outside yet will act upon psychopathic behavior, killing, raping….these people fall under mentally ill, obviously they are missing a piece of something, and in most cases it’s the mind.
It’s because crimes that are related in violence and killings also relates to mental illness. There, there is the elephant it’s out the closet.
So now what do we do? There is only one thing to do, fight for the right of individuality of each other and our illness. Educate inform. But DO NOT let others generalize you in the umbrella of fear, fear and ignorance.
Further I want expound that bipolar and Schizophrenia are feared most by the public than other illness.
Depression is something that connects us all at one point in our lives, in fact, it’s the only mental illness I know that can cancel out. Meaning, when tragedy strikes we withdraw and get depressed however it may leave and never manifest again until another event that invokes depression. I say cancels out, because EVERYONE has been depressed or BLUE.
Not everyone has bipolar…… I think. Sometimes I question that. We are all dual. Double edged. ANYONE can be pushed to limits they may have never imagined, and incur a break from reality.
So the next time you look at someone next to you and you feel all comfy and normal as do they because what they perceive around them visually seems well, remember nothing is truly ever as it seems.
And to expound further, it’s never the ones you would have guessed.
However if only fear and ignorance was replaced by understanding and a willingness to help end stigma end, the politics of the subject at hand would cease.
Further I have witnessed that the ones you fear, are usually the ones who help in the end, and the one you think helps is still feeling superior in their mind, that there normal. Ha.
Can you define normal? Is it the majority? Sorry you will never understand the entire magnitude of normal. It’s just not normal to politically do so, and that my dear reader is the politics of mental illness.
The Following paragraphs below were in response to a question Via Quora
A women asked if there was any way someone with Bipolar Disorder could lead a healthy normal life (BTW What is Normal anyway?)The women had told me that her boyfriend was up and down, and a few times physically abusive Below is my response. To her Question~
Then you have alcohol. A bipolar person simply shouldn’t drink at all. However I personally drink an occasional glass of wine without repercussions. Remember that the variables are vast in management of bipolar disorder and each person is unique in symptoms and treatment.
Next meditation and spirituality go a long way, I pray each day upon waking. I meditate later in the day. I can not stress enough of how God has helped me. I realize not all share my view in regard to God. But hey it’s all personal and more importantly what works for you. I will say that when I didn’t pray and have faith, I was not a happy camper, and all the meds in the world did not make a difference.
Today I’m on an extremely low dose of meds. I only take 250mg of Lamictal, and 100 mg of Trazadone, Xanax only when needed. My meds are mild in comparison to others I know. It was not alway be like this for me. But prayer and spirituality centered me. Changed me.
Now if any of the above is not being followed to the best of ones ability, it’s gonna be one hell of a ride.
To answer your question, yes it can be done. But the management is a hit and miss. One has to be diligent in order to stay with the realm of reality, and to thwart mood swings.
Research and read. Here are two books I highly recommend. This one is like a handbook for bipolar people.
Next one is ~Madness~ Marya Hornbacher does a phenomenal job of giving the perspective of a manic bipolar person. I just recently finished this book.
Now the flip side. If he does not take treatment seriously, and does not manage his bipolar, then the answer to your question is a firm and loud NO!
You will not be able to lead any type of happy normal relationship and life unless steps are implemented and treatment is followed.
It took 3 and a half years to get my life right. Lots of loss and heartache along the way. Many relationships lost. Financial trouble.. Just huge mess. Even jail time.
If I can be of any further assistance please reach out to me via private message. I am more than willing to help in any way I can, and point you into the right directions.
Also get online and look for support groups in your area.