~ Lacking Feeling~

Disappearing into your gravity

can’t help it,

It raddled my mind

shakes my existence to the core

Yet in the place I am. I desire more

More than the justice lacking

The people slacking

Cyber hacking

Only a bleak

Shell of someone

Something

Happening

Hanging by a tread

Attached still the needle

Somehow won’t let go

Yet the needle will not yield

Any useful artifact

Lacking form

Without

Feeling~

~Chapter 4~ Rejection~ An Excerpt of Upcoming Thriller~ truly a engaging read!

I’m working on a thriller as most who follow me should know. I throw out pieces of chapter so you are engaged and will want to buy my book. It is based strongly on my life’s events I did not change names expect 1. Everyone else is not innocent. Also time frames may be changed. Enjoy~~

Chapter 4 Rejection~
She was completely encased in thoughts …..of her life leading up to this moment, thoughts such as the one she was reliving in her head when her cousin took away the innocence of life. Her life. Mind drifting to him; having her lay naked before him, spreading her legs… examining every inch and crevices he desired, tracing her young yet well developed curves exploring her, she desired him more….so she stayed still and let him have his way. He also undressed, the shock of seeing what differences their body’s anatomies were both scared and even aroused her ….more than just curiosity.

He moved slowly over her, his male hood yielded a large stiff appendage as he pressed against her between her legs but never fully penetrating her… maybe that was his rationalization, that it was ok. Not completely penetrating her. Yet getting her to touch him and stroke him…..exposing her to the porn he craved, setting her body in the positions of the center folds. It was all perverted and screwed up.
That’s where her sexual problems most likely stemmed from.
The need to please those who desire her. How ironic even more, that men she knew desired her as much as she desired the men who would never return what she would desire in the other men…. never returning a complete circle.

Will it be a perpetual cycle, a curse her cousin passed to her for what he did, what she allowed….. did she allow? Her age was 7 so she then she reasoned that it was completely not her allowing it to happen, although it definitely did, her need of his love and acceptance was the important thing for her at the tender age of 7.

Suddenly the phone rang jogging her thoughts back to the present moment.

“Honey have you had any luck in locating your brothers?” The levies broke and water is flooding by the minute in New Orleans” “Yes I did, I found all of them and spoke at length to one of your ex husbands.” He informed me where I Could find them, I called each and spoke to Dennis for awhile.

She felt close to Dennis. Although they never met. Perhaps it was because he was oldest She was youngest?

Or perhaps her Jungian philosophy ….that there are signs you just need to look at, archetypes, All that crap she learned earning her bachelors degree in Psychology.

Looking back the archetype would appear to be the letter D.

Her first love was her Daddy. Her first romantic love was Dirk(he is dead now) then she married Dewitt who was nothing like he presented himself to be, which caused the ultimate demise and divorce of them. Then Donnell her sons biological fuck up. That’s just a majority of the D’s she was sure she could think up more. All those D’s. Thinking to herself no more D’s please.

Then again like a strike of lightening thoughts flooded her mind. Why didn’t her older brothers ever search for her?they knew how abusive their Mother was, she tried to reach out to her only sister Jackie. With some success it went well for several years. They never visited but did talk over phone a lot. Especially when Jackie found out about her husband Mark’s infidelity. She would call everyday crying.

Mark eventually filed for divorce making the call a constant barrage, unending emotions her sister needed to get out. Noel then thought again, I’ve been there for all of my friends,her sister…. who is gonna be there for her if she falls?

If only she could see the future, her plans would have turned on another road she would be able to possibly stop the demise of what would be the most horrendous events that unfolded when she would turn 38.

When Katrina misplaced her to Leesburg Florida, where she would move across the street from an over privileged teen who’s Dad was a closet gay and also happened to be an Episcopalian pastor. That boy, now a man would crush what beauty she had….. she would never have left her home in Mississippi. She would have stayed there if only she could’ve looked into the future, oh how different events would have unfolded. No online affair with Ayman Chaer no nude snap shots tagged to 500 people, no abusive relationship with Dewitt. No treacherous teen William Lambert across the street whos’ dad Jay Lambert was a closet gay, no Florida at all…..!!
Looking back Pastor Lambert was always offering William to help me,he did so in hopes of William and I engaging in sex with hopes William wouldn’t be gay as he was. Pastor Lambert’s life was hard, living as a heterosexual with a beard/wife having children. All the things society expected when Pastor Lambert was growing up. In hinds sight he wanted William to be saved from that life that was a lie, a facade. A life in a closet. But it is 2008 so get real already! If your son wants to be gay, then embrace him and his desires, don’t changed him to live vicariously through him.
But it was to late to go back now………the story has unfolded and here she is, debris, shit, betrayal, Lies, abuse, remorse, shame, but what mostly ate at her was those who abandoned her, rejected her in the time she needed them most. It started in childhood all the way to those events…it was and is the rejection.

Lyrics with Link to one of my Favorite Poetic sons and video by Rod Stewart~Broken Arrow~

Who else is gonna bring you a broken arrowWho else is gonna bring you a bottle of rain

There he goes moving across the water

There he goes turning my whole world around
Do you feel what I feel

Can we make it so that’s part of the deal

I gotta hold you in these arms of steel

Lay your heart on the line this time
I want to breathe when you breathe

When you whisper like that hot summer breeze

Count the beads of sweat that cover me

Didn’t you show me a sign this time
Who else is gonna bring you a broken arrow

Who else is gonna bring you a bottle of rain

There he goes moving across the water

There he goes turning my whole world around, around
Do you feel what I feel

Do you feel what I feel

Ah can you see what I see

Can you cut behind the mystery

I will meet you by the witness tree

Leave the whole world behind
I want to come when you call

I’ll get to you if I have to crawl

They can’t hold me with these iron walls

We got mountains to climb, to climb
Who else is gonna bring you a broken arrow

Who else is gonna bring you a bottle of rain

There he goes moving across the water

There he goes turning my whole world around

Turning my whole world around

Turning my whole world around

Turning my whole world around

Broken Arrow

~Can a Person With Bipolar Lead A Normal Healthy LIfe~

The Following paragraphs below were in response to a question Via Quora.com.
A women asked if there was any way someone with Bipolar Disorder could lead a healthy normal life (BTW What is Normal anyway?)The women had told me that her boyfriend was up and down, and a few times physically abusive  Below is my response. To her Question~
Yes, and no. It’s a double edged sword.
First it sounds to me like he is not managing his illness. The first step to mood stability is taking medication to level out the moods. This usually requires medication of the anticonvulsants family such as depakote, lamictal, topamax to name a few. Lithium is also awell known medication in regard to bipolar management.Next sleep is as important as meds. A proper sleep scheduleshould be in place. At least 7 to 8 hours of sleep a night. Otherwise moods become unstable and a manic episode will follow. Next exercise is extremely important. This gets the brains neurons and transmitter firing the right type of dopamine through the brain the endorphins get released. At least 5 days a week he needs to get a good strong workout in for no less than 1 hour.I mentioned the above because what you are telling me does not match up to someone working a routine to keep bipolar disorder managed. Anyone that has experience with bipolar would say that the three mentioned above are of the utmost importance.

Then you have alcohol. A bipolar person simply shouldn’t drink at all. However I personally drink an occasional glass of wine without repercussions. Remember that the variables are vast in management of bipolar disorder and each person is unique in symptoms and treatment.

 

 

Next meditation and spirituality go a long way, I pray each day upon waking. I meditate later in the day. I can not stress enough of how God has helped me. I realize not all share my view in regard to God. But hey it’s all personal and more importantly what works for you. I will say that when I didn’t pray and have faith, I was not a happy camper, and all the meds in the world did not make a difference.

 

Today I’m on an extremely low dose of meds. I only take 250mg of Lamictal, and 100 mg of Trazadone, Xanax only when needed. My meds are mild in comparison to others I know. It was not always like this for me. But prayer and spirituality centered me. Changed me.

 

Now if any of the above is not being followed to the best of ones ability, it’s gonna be one hell of a ride.

 

To answer your question, yes it can be done. But the management is a hit and miss. One has to be diligent in order to stay with the realm of reality, and to thwart mood swings.

 

What you are explaining almost sounds like rapid cycling. Truly your spouse needs to manage the disorder more closely than I suspect he actually is.

 

Also no form of violence should be tolerated. Period. None. I can’t stress that enough. Every time you over look physical violence it will increase in severity each time after until a deathly outcome may be achieved. You don’t want that, no one does. But a person in mania or hypo mania does not use logic or have the filter in place that those who don’t suffer mental illness have. So I severely stress again no violence tolerated!

 

I highly recommend couples counseling. A temporary separation while his medical issues are worked out and managed better. Also you should accompany him to a few psychiatric visits. Why? Because your reality needs to be offered up to the doctor not just his in order to be treated properly.
Besides this is a team effort. Support helps.

 

Research and read. Here are two books I highly recommend. This one is like a handbook for bipolar people.

Next one is ~Madness~ Marya Hornbacher does a phenomenal job of giving the perspective of a manic bipolar person. I just recently finished this book.

I will tell you, both books will give great insight and ideas to you and your spouse.

Now the flip side. If he does not take treatment seriously, and does not manage his bipolar, then the answer to your question is a firm and loud NO!
You will not be able to lead any type of happy normal relationship and life unless steps are implemented and treatment is followed.

It took 3 and a half years to get my life right. Lots of loss and heartache along the way. Many relationships lost. Financial trouble.. Just huge mess. Even jail time.

If I can be of any further assistance please reach out to me via private message. I am more than willing to help in any way I can, and point you into the right directions.

Also get online and look for support groups in your area.

Good luck.

Asked to answer by

 

~Listen Closely~

I love you son

You’ve paid consequence

For things you have not done

Rejected by his blood

Oh Kerr nothing is forever

Lost his mother to madness

Leaving my son alone with Sadness

I’m capturing slowly

The mother he needs

But the biggest relief

Will be punishment for the thief

Simoleons could not restore all the love I shared before

Simoleons is all you seek

Perhaps that currency Will

Make you weak

Oh greed, ruthless heart

Torn his world all apart

My Son the Lord is not slack

I ask for wholeness be restored

My son come from virtual reality

Living in the computer

Come back dear boy

Un Submerge your mind

From technology

It’s where my demise began

I’ve paid my dues oh so dearly

However he had no part

The stealing of my pictures

Posting them

His Mom falling apart

So when will the consequences

Fall heavily upon the thief, liar That caused so much grief

When I see your consequence come to pass

Lord knows it’s then I’ll find my relief

You’ve damaged him

While I was driven mad

As previously stated he is sad

He wants his mother

The one before October 1 2009

It’s that mother I’m working on so he Will find

That Karma and God have a way

To make you all pay

Your family too

I wish you nothing more

Nor nothing less

For you…….. And yours

I must confess

Pain you caused him

Yes I’ve already paid

But innocent was he

For your unthought causality

Well unknown causalities

Comes with collateral damage

So think long and hard before you creep

Your daughters and sons will pay as did mine

In this the Lord promised in Due time~
These words are not mine, they came to me after I prayed awhile….

Lord knows God works in mysterious ways~

~The Token Black Guy~What I Never Want My Son To Be~A Must Read~

~The Token Black Guy~ What I Never Want My Son To Be~Written By a Harvard Graduate~ A Must Read.Edit
My answer to the question that provoked me to post this article~Nicole Moncada’s answer to How has Quora changed your view/beliefs of black people?

Being the Token

One person cannot represent an entire race
By LUMUMBA SEEGARS February 23, 2007
Share on facebookShare on twitterShare on emailShare on printMore Sharing Serviceshttp://www.thecrimson.com/articl…18

Being the token black person is not fun. I am expected to be an authority on the lives of all black people. People think I represent all black people and black culture; however, at the same time, I’m supposed to rise above black culture.

What is the token black person? The token is not supposed to be your everyday black person. The token is the good black person. You know, the black person that doesn’t adhere to all the negative stereotypes of black people. People of other races feel a little less threatened by him. Apparently, the token is different from all the other black folk; however, he’s still black enough for people to mention his name when talking about diversity.

The token is expected to know about all things black—he’s your urban teacher. Though the token is not like other black people, he still understands them. If you’re from a place with no black people and your only exposure to them has been movies like “Get Rich or Die Trying,” then the token will be your one black friend that you feel you can trust. 

Don’t be fooled—it’s not that simple. 

The history of race in America has been a power struggle between groups. Black people have not been oppressed on the basis of their individual faults; rather, individual black people have been discriminated against due to their association with the entire race. Though some individuals have managed to overcome the burdens of racial prejudice, black people are still looked down upon as a group. One of your black friends may seem trustworthy, but that doesn’t necessarily change your negative view of black people as a whole. It’s alright to have one or two black families in the neighborhood, but as soon as more start to move in, the neighborhood becomes a ghetto. There’s only a certain level of blackness that many people feel they can tolerate—the token gives them the perfect amount.

Here’s what really disturbs me: this notion that the token is better than other black people. Why is it that every time a black person does something good, somebody tries to let him know that he’s not like the rest of us?

The token feels an immense amount of pressure. Nobody is perfect, but the token has to make sure that he doesn’t slip up in front of white people. He feels as if he can’t make certain mistakes because he represents the entire race. One mistake will set black people back 100 years—and no one wants to be “that negro.”

Even at Harvard I feel the burden of tokenism. Luckily, I learned how to deal with it in high school.

For example, during my sophomore year in high school, I was one of two black students enrolled in my Algebra II class. I have this problem where I don’t really like math, so sometimes I would fall asleep in class. It turns out that the other black student had the same problem as well. Because we felt that both black people in the class couldn’t go to sleep at the same time—at least one of us had to be a “good” negro—we took turns going to sleep. Unfortunately, I was the only black person in my pre-calculus and calculus classes, so I had to continuously be a good black person in those situations.

A more prominent example of a token is Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill.), who Senator Joseph Biden (D-Del.) recently lauded as “the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy.” I’m sure Senator Biden meant it as a compliment; however, I—along with many other blacks—took it as an insult. Many whites are comfortable with Barack Obama because they don’t see him in the same way that they still see a majority of black people in America.

Obama doesn’t scare white people. The clean, articulate, and bright guy whom Americans are impressed with is the exact opposite of what Americans expect black people in this country to be.

Blacks are violent. Blacks are angry. Blacks are lazy. Things like racial profiling and negative media portrayals are demonstrative of the suspicious way in which many Americans view blacks and other people of color.

The token helps white Americans feel as if race is no longer an issue. It’s a cover-up. Instead of looking at the continued racial separation in this country, people point to their one friend of the other race and feel satisfied with themselves.

Making someone the token black person and placing him above other black people assumes that all of us—except for the token, of course—are the same. We live in a society still very much conscious of race—even if people don’t like to admit it openly. Making one black person your trustworthy token while you still view black people as a monolith will not fix the ongoing problem of race in America.

Image

Lumumba Seegars ’09 is a social studies concentrator in Dunster House. His column appears on alternate Fridays. 

Abuse … Leave updated.

Below is a post from 2014 it needs and update.it is a police record of him hitting me that night his mug shot.

When they came they took my 6 year olds account of what happened the very son he tries to keep me from and my son said I saw him hit my Mom.

This man is crazy and makes those around him crazy.

He is a bully a tyrant a bold in your face lair who Wrote a later stating he was 80% wrong then retracts it back and retracted moments he apologized and wrote that he was 80% wrong!

Below is a post from 4 yrs ago it is a reminder that liars and abusers get away and are not held accountable for their actions.

He Lies try to use my disability against me! Oh the crazy he has tried since then.

When they took him to jail that night he talked his way out and provoked me as he always trie and uses illness.

LISTEN if HE HITS YOU, if He belittles you, provokes you, try to make you do things you don’t want, putting you down, that is abuse leave! Don’t sit around for 20 years in a wishful fantasy that WILL NOT COME THROUGH!

Get up take back your power lock and load.

Be mindful pay attention and leave now especially if you suffer mental illness.

They use your illness against you!

Turn it around make sure to be open to others to break stigma and abuse I’ve long suffered.

Make those who hurt you accountable especially when children are involved.

Thank you for listening

Below is the post from 4 years ago.

My Lawyer and I are going to go to the beginning in this fight for custody, it all began on June 29th 2010 after he was arrested for hitting me. He came out of jail and lied about me contacting him and had me thrown in jail for violation of injunction, which I posted earlier about my run in’s with Lake County and Fruitland Park Police. Basically I was forced to marry this psycho in order to see and be around my son. He used my mental disability against me, here are some of the many excerpts of his indiscretions. Time to see the truth.

This was from the arrest which is the catalyst to the present events.This is His arrest for battery strike. He later lied and said I contacted him,He then contacted the corrupt police here where I live and like now he lied and had me baker acted. I have much more to share beyond this so stay tuned this is only the beginning.

In fact I have much more, but since my Iphone was stolen along with my credit cards while I was baker acted its hard to navigate this process since I am using different methods to post. I have the police report of his baker act in May on the 17th when he tried to commit suicide. I also have the 911 call made on August the 12th. My lawyer and I listened to it today, very interesting indeed. Stay tuned.