~Eradicating Rotting Existence~

Fearless thy eyes doth search yet fear grips~

Hollow shell of thy existence doth shake still filled with entitlement~

Horrifying lies spew forth as distance grows believing in thy lies~

Spinning through tunnels off balance yet walking a line of deceit~

Doth thy mind play tricks?

Thy judgment mitigates causing confusion~

Hands held outward beckoning solidarity yet filled ? Thy crawleth cowardly through these corridors surely thy know thine way~

Inordinate perceptions flys high above far reaching yet right in front of thine~ah so beseeching~

Clenching thy fist forbearing actions tainted quickening haste and for what? Thy gain?

Equivocal form thy life disreputable~Hallow lacking luster,

Doth thy remain critical? Ah yes I see thy will always be~

Seeking this conspicuous conspiracy only digging thy hole deeper~

Abating others cruelly yet tormenting thy self thinking thine comfortable~

Deceitful apprehensions cloud over thy appetite, an endless appetite for destruction~`

That longs for the destruction desperate attempts are futile~

There stand abrading thy torment filled with hysterical laughter~

Gravely grotesque figure without form finding thy shape in shadows~

Endeavor enmity consumes thy needs, needing more and more~

Empty…empty gaunt~

Always left yearning~

Not meeting thy need~

Perpetually perplexing persecuting domination~

Thy frailty subdues all thy once knew, still knowing nothing but lies~

Nonsensical as it beckons thy near~

Further thy shell empties year after year a gaping hole is all that is left~

No Soul, well perhaps a bit of one, but stale and old~

Rotting thy heart sneering~

Yet you remain~

Hallow….ever more no release~

Not for Reproduction~

~The Truth About Mental Illness~How can you tell if you have it~

I recently wrote about truth and forgiveness, upon waking after a decent sleep I awoke inspired to write a few more bipolar thoughts. So after a bit of prayer, and thanksgiving I felt the need to expound upon other issues considered taboo, subjects of a certain nature, issues we skirt around that are easily ignored by some of the very people who are afflicted with this virus of the mind we call mental illness.

See often time’s conflict or malice, jealousy; hate can be just like mental illness… Grudges held, harbored with indifference, tormenting the mind, much like the virus we call mental illness.

Think of a computer being the mind, and often times our computers have a virus, which eats away at the data, causing the computer to run slowly maybe even shut down, in any case a virus sucks. No amount of defragmentation will remove the corrupt virus. Instead it needs a full diagnostic repair, a definitive diagnosis to best find the course of treatment.

However unlike our computers that we can easily replace the mind unfortunately cannot.

A virus whether it is of the physical, mental, or emotional kind, can often occur simultaneously. You know the kind where your sitting on a toilet diarrhea coming out one end, vomit out the other.

In my recent exchange on topics uncomfortable to discuss the subject of mental illness came up. I’ve had the opportunity since becoming a member of Quora/Wordpress community to be a spokesperson of sorts. You know the one, or in my case the go to Gal if a question you may want information on with regard to mental illness needs answering in a more discrete way, because like I stated above its a skirt around issue laden with stigma, shame and even remorse. I understand, its cool, you’re not ready to go to public or speak out yet about this virus of the mind. In fact I feel honored that others feel I am approachable with such sensitive issues of the mind.

I’ve exchanged some great and touching views, ideas, personal feelings on the topic of mental illness both in the question forums, and mostly via private messages.

I’ve strived to bring light to what I call “the forgotten subject” or plainly stated the ignored area of existence that each and every one of us encounter whether it be your personal illness, a spouse, relative or a friend or an undiagnosed one of your own.

Before I learned to fully embrace the diagnosis I received, I was among the majority of “those people” Who prefer to ignore, belittle, or just firmly state the phrase “it’s all in your head, snap out of it” and truly it is “all in our head, your head, my head’……..

Now hold on a minute, in no way am I saying you’re mentally ill necessarily.

No, I’m merely offering up dialogue to paint the picture in your mind of the message, my plight about a subject near and dear to me, one that has affected me personally due to both parents and their parents having some form of mental illness and my present diagnosis.

It’

Not For Reproduction~

 

 

~Bipolar Thoughts~Thoughts bemused~

~Machinations
Eclectic mind
So random without order
Content unknown
Images flash
Strewn about thoughts
Racing fast,
Flooding my brain invading
Concepts to conceptualize
Twisting
There is no pause
No stillness
To much to contemplate
Subjects subjective
Bursting
Perception yet perceived
By Intent
Only to be Crystallized~

~What Does It Feel Like To Have Bipolar Disorder~

What does it feel like?
Like any illness in general it sucks.
Why? There is no cure.

When I first received my diagnosis I stayed in denial for about 2 years.
I mean who wants that stigma right?
Both my parents suffered enough with the illness, so early on I swore “not me” “I’m not gonna get it
Majored in Psychology to gain a better understanding , while earning my degree , I had my first bout. It was after finishing statistics in psychology.

I’ve been up and down all my life. Looking back I most likely lived with it for the better half of my life. The traits that others found endearing, such as boundless energy, the life of the party, ideas that were radical, spontaneous, whimsical, rhyming, the abuse of drugs, Was all cool and fun.

As I got older those traits turned from endearing to dark, and bold, and brutal.
Believing yourself to be a superhuman of sorts is not realistic. But I did believe this. I also believed many other non truths while in mania.

The low, the depression, it was real bad. So much so that suicide was a close friend of mine that I romanced often. Attempted twice. Hospitalized against my will because of it. Even wrote a large essay about suicide and how it is actually courageous and in no way selfish. I rationalized this by turning the selfish element on to those who would miss me, as being the selfish ones. And truly I still see it that way.
The only reason anyone wants you around them, although some may claim love, it’s that they need you, they want you. In that alone arises their selfish desire of needing you to stay here. I realize that this is a polluted thought , but it rings true to me.

Bi polar disorder skews reality, it blurs the lines, and we don’t always use nor have the same filter as those not afflicted with this disease of the mind.

But I always remind those who will listen that some of the greatest minds were afflicted with this disorder this disease.
Here is a link to see for yourself the list of many famous minds:

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/L…
In short it’s a slippery slope, full of wonderment,  energy, lows, depression, delusional thoughts. Sometime more creative, other times completely destructive. That’s what it’s like.