~What Does A Bipolar Manic Episode Feel Like~Bipolar Mania~

Ok. I’m gonna take you on a tour to try and experience what mania feels like. I’m writing about my traits mostly, and a few small stories along the way with added visual effects. So come on in…..

IMG_2057So What does a manic episode feel like? Lets begin. The fun part:
(if there is such a thing) it’s like your on cocaine. So if you’ve ever done coke then that’s a good platform to grasp exactly how the early stages of mania feels like for me. Ten feet tall & bullet proof.

IMG_2058But what’s is the catalyst? For me
It starts subtly, but there is always a trigger. My trigger is extreme external  stress from specific conditions around me. So far this is what ignites the mania.

IMG_2059This stress will then manifest itself in Creative ways. First my interest in music increases. So much so that every song is speaking to me and was most likely written for me, and has special meaning that I’m obviously the only one able to receive the special message, the only one able to hear the encrypted meaning. I’ll think of a song I want to hear, I’ll shuffle my entire list of songs on my iPhone(740 songs) and about 9 times out of 10 the song I wanted to hear will be selected . “Wow that’s a connection” I’ll think. So now the universe is speaking to me through the songs as they play.

IMG_2060Next I’ll begin to have a pattern to my speech. Not only will I begin to speak faster but I’ll speak in riddles, rhymes and beats. I become the Dr Seuss of bipolar rhyming. And every word is profound and perfect. Why? “But of course” because its coming from me. I think to myself “it’s the nuggets of wisdom that fall from my mind, it’s the words that escape you that somehow I find” kinda stuff.

IMG_2061Then my sense of good judgement starts to breakdown and fail me. I’ll spend money on stuff that I normally would never do under sound mind. 

IMG_2062Then I continue to fall faster into the rabbit hole.

IMG_2063Finally numbers come into play. I’m a 0101 baby, born January 1st!  Alas I’m binary! And that ignites the magic around me. Things come to life and meaning can be found anywhere I look especially in numbers. Meaning to what? Meaning to life! How I can save the world! Wait I can’t even save myself.

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Then truthfully animals and insects begin to interact with me. Example honeybees flock to me. Yes this is for real, as well as wasps. Here is a photo of the one wasp that followed me back to my hotel room for my weekend stay in Tampa(by myself)  the wasp just chilled.
I put it back outside later. Now I’m the queen of the bees! Or at least for the time being this seems to be the case.
IMG_2065So I’m in Tampa(alone)Mania full swing. What’s next you say?
Next lets take life on a dangerous dare! I get into my car, decide at 7:00 am to go back home 2 hours away. But I’m gonna make it there in 1 hour & 15 minutes. Why? Well I can drive with such precision and ease when I’m super human. So much so that speeds of 100 miles an hour is achievable  once my mind, my body and the road, adapt to my driving style. Which I proceed to drive the entire way home at speeds between 90 to 100 miles an hour. Can’t let that speedometer not be on my lucky number!! 0101 my birthday, the encrypted magical message. thinks to myself “Must keep achieving speed of 101! I can do it!” And I did. Thank God I’m alive to recall this to you, and that no one was killed
IMG_2066Oh I forgot to mention I’ve not really slept the last 48 hours. IMG_2067Then comes the low. I just want it all to stop. I literally wear myself out to a point that my mind plays tricks on me. I lose concept of time frames.  Hours turn into days, days into weeks it seems.
IMG_2068And then darkness… Sadness. The gaping whole of humanity’s injustice sucks me into deep despair. So much injustice in the world, it takes me to dark cold places. “What’s the point” I think , I may or may not plan to exit existence… Where is that exit door? It’s just one action away.
IMG_2069Then I sit down and look around and the destruction of my actions lay at my feet all around me, I dare not try to list them, for there are many. 
IMG_2070Slowly I begin to gather the pieces of my puzzle and try to put it together again.
IMG_2071After weeks sometimes months of  seclusion, I slowly allow myself to go experience the external environment outside my front door.
IMG_0720The awe of Gods creation inspires me, and my Son… My beautiful son. He does not deserve this, I fall to my knees and begin to pray.
IMG_2072Yes there is so much more,  more stories to tell,  jaw dropping accounts of my madness and how it unfolded differently each  time, and the different circumstances surrounding each event. But my Son.. He does not deserve this and neither do I. So I press onward .. And remember there is never a dull or bored moment. Ever! That’s what it feels like.
IMG_2073IMG_0266IMG_0256 
 
 
 
 
 

~Seroquel~Great Read if You take this Drug~

Seroquel now there is a pill
No way to easily put it all these side effects…
No metabolism, no perfect weight
It helps me sleep, but mostly eat
It often makes me stumble on my feet
What a fuckin treat all these meds I get to take, is my feelings real or are they fake?
Mostly is this my life to take ? Gee all this is just grand so great.
Now if this is my choice, my voice if it mattered I suppose quite simply I chose the latter.
Sad but true these ups and downs this roller coaster goes round and round
I’m tired now I want to get down and stand firmly upon ground.
Do you stand firmly on ground? You see, Or are you just like me? Confused conflicted often addicted to the one thing that makes you feel grounded
I thought my screams were alone but it sounded like echos of others all like me screaming in hell trying to be free
Seroquel

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~Bipolar Self Check & Cycles~

Being bipolar and knowing that patterns such as triggers and time frames, stress the very fact that we cycle is extremely important. History tends to repeat itself, many things repeat themselves, bipolar individuals happen to skid into this surreal area a little too often.

Wanna know something else all the meds in this world can’t  stop what I just mentioned. Lifestyle combined with a medicinal regiment can avert most travesty. But medicine alone can’t. I know. I’ve gone manic, in fact bonkers and was still on my meds. Was I fun, uh not really….well maybe for a bit, but only to myself.

Know something else,the company you keep, the person you may love can be the very trigger that spirals you off balance.

So the question I ask myself and you, are you gaining you right now? That’s right, are you gaining YOU? Or losing pieces here and there before you know it you’re everywhere, all the while thinking you’re put together or at least coming off that way. Hiding that Bipolar cloak and dagger in our pockets ready to pull that pocket inside out and release all that debris and shreds of crap at the bottom. You know the shit you feel in the empty pocket….looks like dust bunnies living there. Those dust bunnies are you, that debris is you and and all that pent up crap.

Are or you the cloth that the pocket is concealed in? Looking all sheik and stylish, but inside crying out with no voice? interesting how its this way or that and this goes for everyone bye the way, not just us bipolar people. People out there, you can learn a lot from those like me willing to share my life, thoughts, feelings, and you don’t have to have bipolar to gain insight either, this is a one size fits all kinda stuff that human beings go through. Just we may handle it a bit different.

I’m writing this for myself, for all those reading this, it’s self check time.

What is healthy? It’s having all YOUR needs met. Is this happening right now? Are do you feel short changed? I feel a bit short changed to tell you the truth. Hey, I am being honest.

Are you happy? Are or you up and down all the F’n way around and it’s due partially to the company you keep? Yeah I mean face it we all are a bit F’d up in our own way, but do we need more of it from others at specific turning points of our life? Crossroads….they are everywhere by the way, and just a reminder…uh.. they can happen any day.

Should you be alone? Yes! Sometimes being alone before polluted thinking takes over you, helps you to clearly see what you couldn’t before and remove yourself from any given situation whether it be love, business, friendships, or just being social at this time.

But living in this world you must take care of you first. You have nothing to give out to others no love or kindness if you don’t love yourself and are not genuinely kind to you.

The road ahead may be a bit stressful but if diplomatically approached you can ease through most anything bipolar or not.

These are my Bipolar Thoughts at this time, hope you got something out of it.

It’ my story, I’m sticking to it. What’s yours?

NJM~

~Side Effects~

Disconcerting
Detached
Colors outside the lines
Blurry
This particular emotion is completely lacking…..
Lacking cohesive qualities
It’s unravelling
And the edges keep getting stuck in the door
At its most severe case it’s completely unsettling…..
And it’s weakest
Subtle anxiety
Dry mouth
Like sand mixed with cotton
Anesthetized
Clinical white
In this sterile environment
I’ll await my next dosage
Hands heavy laden
Cracked around the edges
Layered with side effects

 

~In What Ways Are Bipolar Disorder Serious~

The most obvious is that it’s not an illness that can be seen by the eyes
per-say. At first glance and maybe several, it is possibly never seen. Unless the symptoms manifest in other ways. We look like you, speak as you do. Love, hate,  hurt,  feel just like you. But the filter of emotions are not the same.

You can’t take an X-ray or MRI to find it.

In most cases its never diagnosed properly nor by the first evaluation. It may take several doctors, evaluations before getting properly diagnosed. This is frustrating for someone suffering with bipolar. Especially if given the wrong medicine. AntidepressantsIn most cases will induce mania.

Statistically speaking it has the highest suicide rate than any other mental illness. If left untreated, the repercussions can be detrimental both for the sufferer and those who encounter them. Between 30% to 50% of those diagnosed attempt suicide.

But personally speaking the biggest way that the illness can be serious is by the mast majority of ignorance on such matters. Not enough knowledge among society, those who treat it as though it is leprosy, or make threats against those who suffer from the illness, or use the term to diminish power of those who suffer from it.
Think about it… Many who are diagnosed feel ashamed or less than and won’t even acknowledge their illness around others. This is because lack of understanding on the subject, uneducated assumptions based on false information. Many people cause great damage by making fun of, or acting superior to the suffers of the illness.
These are the ways bipolarcan be serious. Educate Yourself, and your loved ones.

 

~When was Bipolar Discovered~

Bipolar disorder is not so much discovered as it did exist throughout time. Dated back to Ancient Greece where Aretaeus of Cappadocia, who was a physician and philosopher in the time of Nero or Vespasian (first century AD) had observed patients that would dance and play all night for days even. Then without notice change to dull and somber and weeping.

It has always been there, just not yet labeled as such. 
In the early nineteen hundreds the term was called “Manic Depressive” in order to give a term to the manic side of mania and its counterpart depression


 In 1854, Jules Baillarger (1809–1890) and Jean-Pierre Falret (1794–1870) both presented psychiatric terms and writing about the illness called ~dual insanity ~ 

It was In the early 1900s the eminent German psychiatrist Emil Kraepelin (1856–1926) coined the term that would be used to describe what we know as bipolar today. He called it ~manic depression~ 

It was not until the 1950’s that the terms for the illness went between using ~manic depressive~ to bipolar affective disorder ~ it was proposed by German psychiatrist Karl Leonhard in 1957.

So it truly has always been an illness, like all other illness that has also been around for ages. There is no definitive answer to exactly when it was discovered. Much like diabetes and cancer.. I don’t think we know who exactly discovered those either.