~~Endless Exits~

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This gun is my friend, as you well see I kiss the end, of what is you and of me…..

It sits there like some offensive reminder ….. of exit door

But courage it takes

So I take that picture  then I quietly think…..
If I could ever get out from under the weight of this garbage
Maybe then I’d let the combustion out…
The steam roll off this sweltering pile of debri which is my life
Just my reflection in
The mirror is a contradiction
There is some sort of power in the weight of my words, it’s like it spills forth from a spring of knowledge of some unknown source from my lips these thoughts drip~my Catherism  speaks to me, I dare not protest

I realiz I could be like the rest however~
These words are a strange comfort to me, they will be waiting for me long after everyone else is gone.. They are solidly spoken.. Insight in times that are baffling yet enlightening~ and I kiss the tip of my gun all is real, not for fun~

~NJM~

 

 

 

 

 

 

~Personal Quotes~Keeling it Real~ Stop living life on Hold~

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Ok these may be the final nuggets of wisdom that fall from my mind today~But I’m having one of those ~it’s the nuggets of wisdom that fall from my mind, the words that escape you that I somehow find kinda day~

~Stop living your life on hold, it’s time to hang up and try calling again~Don’t waste another minute take action~Never give up~

Not for Reproduction~

 

 

~Views About God or Lack Thereof~

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 Had a conversation not long ago with a dear friend I met via Quora, we have talked a bit through emails.

He was once a Christian, he now has abandoned his faith for the choice of being an Atheist.
We none the less still communicate… Not as often lately but none the less he has made a positive impact upon me, and although we have had some deep, deep discussion on things of spiritual nature, God, the lack thereof, we always walk away knowing we will be close although our views of God are different. With him being the lack of a God, with me believing in God. It’s a touchy subject you see, religious, political, racial, sexualpreference…poverty.. You get the picture. I’m am not gonna tag him, he will know when he reads this.. That it was my answer to a debate or conversation of sorts about why I believe in God. He sent a photo one day via email as part of an unfinished conversation the following words you will read was my response to the photo and what was(We finally To Just Agree toDisagree) our on going philosophical discussion of things such as atheism, theism, monotheism, pandiabolism( Fredrick Neitzsche actual stance was pandiabolism)

Yes, I see that, and what I’ll say is there will always be what you see above in those pictures, as long as you reside on this earth.This earth is governed by the law of free will. You are aware of this? I’m certain you are. Do you understand the law? That I’m not sure. You want to believe that God does not exist. I understand this, however I also see a conflict in you ,a reflection so to speak. You want others to validate your belief. Why? Because if morepeople share your belief it makes it real for you. That’s fine. As long as we are here in this realm, on this earth, we will continue to see pain and suffering. God will not intervene where he has given men charge. This earth was given over to humans long ago. The challenge with the above picture is for those same men to rise up and use the power of will, the power God gave to change the above picture. This of course will never happen on earth, why? Because our conversation is a pure example. We can’t agree.Because there is not a firm and positive agreement, and never has been, therefore conflict, strife, discord, suffering and pain, will all exist… That is as long as humans are left to there own devices, to govern their own will. Which God did do. Change for the above photo will only occur if everyone agrees… Which will not happen, as previously stated. Life is not a one size fits all. If it were, it would be boring, if we never knew suffering, then we could never understand the beauty and joy, vice versa. I’m always gonna have a rebuttal as you will too, why? Because as I beautifully stated… We won’t agree. That’s the sadness of it all.
But it is life here on earth. It is what it is. Accept it or don’t. It’s all down to a choice, a view.

~The Truth About Forgiveness….~

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The truth about forgiveness and other peoples shit.

I recently had an opportunity to interact in a racial discussion. Not such a big secret.

As with all things labeled “race” tensions can often times run high.

One of the people I exchanged views with I had previously exchanged more pleasant conversations in regard to life,love, God….

Thank God right? It’s always a good thing to share positive thoughts and well wishes.

But on this occasion, Many …many things came up in our exchange of views, mud was slinging about. You know the great divides that we all eventually face in life from time to time based upon learned views, social norms. That mud being our “shit”

I have what I like to call strong frequency levels when it comes to others I interact with. Whether face-to-face, phone, or via the Internet.Once the connection is made, I can sense the mood easily.

This person went to bed angry. I actually prayed and laid my head down in peace before sleep, but upon waking I could feel the tension in the atmosphere. That person had not slept well, and was still extremely angry.

That person I exchanged harsh words with The key word being “exchange” see I am aware enough to see that in most cases of civility when lines begin to blur and pleasantries cease to exist, it is down to the two who are at battle.

The battle being the subject at hand, the views harshly expressed. I could sense the indifference from this person, although this person may not have felt it from me. I bit into the indifference instead of doing what I clearly know how to do, which is to just walk away.

But instead I chose to stay awhile. I chose to hash out all my beliefs on the subject at hand. I stated my thoughts clearly and remained on the subject matter as best I could, considering the remarks and innuendos that were being exchanged. You know the ones like the word “Cognition” in regard to things of the mind. Or the phrases like “to counter your claims” or better yet “moral high ground” hmmmm….

After the final comments were finished, lines had been crossed, I prayed. I asked God to forgive me for my unwillingness to yield on the subject being discussed. Then I knew the next step to releasing the poison I had allowed myself to bite into….. I had to ask the very person I exchanged harsh comments with to humbly forgive me.

Now it’s one thing to say harsh words……that is to actually exchange harsh words, but another thing to say you’re sorry sensing and knowing that your wrong is as wrong as their wrong, yet fully aware that their arrogance would justify their cause and stated words.

I was fully aware that I would open myself up to feel further hurt by allowing myself to ask for forgiveness and in so doing trying to forgive myself for going to places I usually try my best to stay away from.

I believe the saying is “chose your battles wisely”.

I don’t know if the other person is or is not aware of how strongly I can sense others. But what I can tell you is my judgment of such has never failed. What has failed is for me to truly recognize at this stage of my life these frequencies I pick up on.

I realized that the last time I spoke to this person it was done on their behalf out of a sense of some duty. I could hear this in the person’s voice almost from day one. But I was extremely gracious for the fact that someone was willing to reach out to me.

I just wish I would have declined at this point. I realize that true actions never stick for long if they’re done out of duty.

For any true exchange or epiphany to occur on any subject between two strong minds there first needs to be a willingness that’s organic and freely felt from the heart to heart.

See duty is like a job you grudgingly hold onto because you somehow have been made to play that role. Trust I know, I used to feel the same way at one venture of my life. I realized that it was laboring under false pretense.

The most freeing thing anyone can do for themselves is to first forgive yourself for the ignorant actions/exchange between another living, breathing, human being. Forgive yourself for the stupid battle you so willingly placed yourself in, in the first place.

Then the hardest part of the next stage is saying your sorry, being fully aware that an apology is needed all the way around, however knowing you must act first. Because you can sense that the other person wouldn’t budge, and most likely will hold onto their view never fully seeing full circle that it was indeed an “exchange”

I’ve lived this role in my life to many times, what it has yet again taught me is to not only chose my plight carefully, but that at some innate level of existence this world has made us all a bit “full of shit”.

For that I can’t say much more, considering I’m covered in my own most of the time, but at the present moment I’m covered both in mine and the other persons “shit.”

I am sorry for the colorful use of the word “shit” as it pertains to the human qualities we all inherently share. I feel a bit cleaner now for coming clean, and being the person to see her shit first.

Now I’ll go on my detox of sorts that I said I was going to do yesterday, yet here I am today but now I truly have stated my piece/peace. Thank you for a lovely exchange.

~The Hardest Part Of Living With Mental Illness~

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~The loss. Somewhere inside, you lose yourself. You can recall some images of what you thought you were. But parts of you, or at least to me it was, like losing me… Shattered all over the place… Gathering the pieces of me. And not being very effective at gathering the pieces, some lost forever.
 
Which brings the next point “doubt”.
Doubting that you are ill, not accepting an illness that does not have a cure yet. Not wanting the label, the stigma.
 
Stigma, exist even today if you open about mental illness to others, people begin to judge you, question your ability to fit neatly into a category that they’ve never experienced first hand. Humans like labels, and they like consistency. Mental illness is hardly ever consistent, and mostly unpredictable.
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Further more some can see easily in others what they quickly dismiss in themselves. Sometimes it is them, and they’re living in the denial, and unless treated, and accepted, those very people who continue to deny they have a mental illness usually wind up dead. Why? Because anyone that has terminal illness will experience repercussions if not treated properly and in a timely fashion.
 
If you have cancer and you don’t go to chemo, and don’t do what you’ve been told, you will eventually die sooner than you would had you’d followed a treatment plan.
 
Diabetes, I tell my son almost weekly that like him being dependent upon insulin, that mommy too is dependent upon certain lifestyles changes and medication to keep my illness managed, just as he needs to check his blood sugar and take insulin to manage his illness. So it is with Mom. There it is again, that word” Loss “of freedom to live without medicine. To have to be dependant upon medicine in order to live effectively and to the best of our ability is binding to say the least.
 
Then there is the isolation that comes with the illness, at least for me it did. All of the crazy things I have done while manic have broken ties with people I once considered friends, are now gone forever. But had proper truths been applied in society and the medical profession at large would have educated society, then perhaps the ignorance of my supposed friends on the subject today, may still have been around. All though I feel it very unlikely, that the outcome would be much different. We were already growing apart. The illness only escalated it. Yet again “Loss”
 
 
 Lack of information and education is rarely used in the right way to inform. Truth is society’s no closer to unveiling how the medicine we (society) do take for mental illness works, society still continually sees it as weakness instead of the terminal illness it is.
 
Then there is a two edged sword due to the label or category for those who are deemed bipolar. Bipolar individuals (at least in my experience) tend to have a marine forecast in place. Some times we’re sunny and the ocean is calm fishing conditions optimal, sometimes rip currents, sometime high tides, then low tides, choppy conditions, rainy and worse even is hurricanes. That’s the easiest way to explain the way bipolar people feel, how quickly we can escalate if we are not treating our illness with the care and respect it demands of us. Then there are moments that anxiety clenches my chest and I get over whelmed with self doubt a gripping fear that my “mind” might let me down. Trust me, it’s a feeling I hope you never have to have. The ability to not trust oneself is an extreme loss.
 
All because of loss, the challenge I face now is turning my loss into the advantage and always press on. Because if there is nothing more to consider or believe. I believe in restoring…….. that which was lost can be restored.