~Polluted Mind~

And so it was, this day
Unlike the other, I wake to find

The fowl stench of my mind
Stale and putrid

This place is familiar
A swamp of murky water

Thoughts are draped like Spanish moss suffocating an Oak tree

It Takes hold clutching my thriving soul
Pulling me , pressing

Sinking further, downward
Spiraling awkwardly
Falling……faster

Acutely aware of my condition
But gambling with my life
I throw the dice

Lacking all conviction
Unable to achieve the desired outcome

I will awake between this world
Hinged on each realm
by only one dimension

It’s cold, veiny hand
Will caress my brow

While quietly I resign
Only to awaken yet again
To this polluted state of mind.

~Bipolar Thoughts~Thoughts bemused~

~Machinations
Eclectic mind
So random without order
Content unknown
Images flash
Strewn about thoughts
Racing fast,
Flooding my brain invading
Concepts to conceptualize
Twisting
There is no pause
No stillness
To much to contemplate
Subjects subjective
Bursting
Perception yet perceived
By Intent
Only to be Crystallized~

~What Does It Feel Like To Have Bipolar Disorder~

What does it feel like?
Like any illness in general it sucks.
Why? There is no cure.

When I first received my diagnosis I stayed in denial for about 2 years.
I mean who wants that stigma right?
Both my parents suffered enough with the illness, so early on I swore “not me” “I’m not gonna get it
Majored in Psychology to gain a better understanding , while earning my degree , I had my first bout. It was after finishing statistics in psychology.

I’ve been up and down all my life. Looking back I most likely lived with it for the better half of my life. The traits that others found endearing, such as boundless energy, the life of the party, ideas that were radical, spontaneous, whimsical, rhyming, the abuse of drugs, Was all cool and fun.

As I got older those traits turned from endearing to dark, and bold, and brutal.
Believing yourself to be a superhuman of sorts is not realistic. But I did believe this. I also believed many other non truths while in mania.

The low, the depression, it was real bad. So much so that suicide was a close friend of mine that I romanced often. Attempted twice. Hospitalized against my will because of it. Even wrote a large essay about suicide and how it is actually courageous and in no way selfish. I rationalized this by turning the selfish element on to those who would miss me, as being the selfish ones. And truly I still see it that way.
The only reason anyone wants you around them, although some may claim love, it’s that they need you, they want you. In that alone arises their selfish desire of needing you to stay here. I realize that this is a polluted thought , but it rings true to me.

Bi polar disorder skews reality, it blurs the lines, and we don’t always use nor have the same filter as those not afflicted with this disease of the mind.

But I always remind those who will listen that some of the greatest minds were afflicted with this disorder this disease.
Here is a link to see for yourself the list of many famous minds:

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/L…
In short it’s a slippery slope, full of wonderment,  energy, lows, depression, delusional thoughts. Sometime more creative, other times completely destructive. That’s what it’s like.

~Finally~Legends can be Made~tweet tweet~lol~

Every Penny Every Dime Every Nickel My Angel’s left behind to remind me…… ~In God We Trust~

So without further Ado ……………. my recent tweet~

2 separate cases but will go full circle~

First a big shout out to #God then to both my Attorneys #LarryCartelli and #Craig…no last name to the public on him..he represents in a level as Larry. As I pledged to my father in heaven, as well as my father on earth before he died, my Moncada bloodline will never want again~

~Can a Person With Bipolar Lead A Normal Healthy LIfe~

The Following paragraphs below were in response to a question Via Quora.com.
A women asked if there was any way someone with Bipolar Disorder could lead a healthy normal life (BTW What is Normal anyway?)The women had told me that her boyfriend was up and down, and a few times physically abusive  Below is my response. To her Question~
Yes, and no. It’s a double edged sword.
First it sounds to me like he is not managing his illness. The first step to mood stability is taking medication to level out the moods. This usually requires medication of the anticonvulsants family such as depakote, lamictal, topamax to name a few. Lithium is also awell known medication in regard to bipolar management.Next sleep is as important as meds. A proper sleep scheduleshould be in place. At least 7 to 8 hours of sleep a night. Otherwise moods become unstable and a manic episode will follow. Next exercise is extremely important. This gets the brains neurons and transmitter firing the right type of dopamine through the brain the endorphins get released. At least 5 days a week he needs to get a good strong workout in for no less than 1 hour.I mentioned the above because what you are telling me does not match up to someone working a routine to keep bipolar disorder managed. Anyone that has experience with bipolar would say that the three mentioned above are of the utmost importance.

Then you have alcohol. A bipolar person simply shouldn’t drink at all. However I personally drink an occasional glass of wine without repercussions. Remember that the variables are vast in management of bipolar disorder and each person is unique in symptoms and treatment.

 

 

Next meditation and spirituality go a long way, I pray each day upon waking. I meditate later in the day. I can not stress enough of how God has helped me. I realize not all share my view in regard to God. But hey it’s all personal and more importantly what works for you. I will say that when I didn’t pray and have faith, I was not a happy camper, and all the meds in the world did not make a difference.

 

Today I’m on an extremely low dose of meds. I only take 250mg of Lamictal, and 100 mg of Trazadone, Xanax only when needed. My meds are mild in comparison to others I know. It was not always like this for me. But prayer and spirituality centered me. Changed me.

 

Now if any of the above is not being followed to the best of ones ability, it’s gonna be one hell of a ride.

 

To answer your question, yes it can be done. But the management is a hit and miss. One has to be diligent in order to stay with the realm of reality, and to thwart mood swings.

 

What you are explaining almost sounds like rapid cycling. Truly your spouse needs to manage the disorder more closely than I suspect he actually is.

 

Also no form of violence should be tolerated. Period. None. I can’t stress that enough. Every time you over look physical violence it will increase in severity each time after until a deathly outcome may be achieved. You don’t want that, no one does. But a person in mania or hypo mania does not use logic or have the filter in place that those who don’t suffer mental illness have. So I severely stress again no violence tolerated!

 

I highly recommend couples counseling. A temporary separation while his medical issues are worked out and managed better. Also you should accompany him to a few psychiatric visits. Why? Because your reality needs to be offered up to the doctor not just his in order to be treated properly.
Besides this is a team effort. Support helps.

 

Research and read. Here are two books I highly recommend. This one is like a handbook for bipolar people.

Next one is ~Madness~ Marya Hornbacher does a phenomenal job of giving the perspective of a manic bipolar person. I just recently finished this book.

I will tell you, both books will give great insight and ideas to you and your spouse.

Now the flip side. If he does not take treatment seriously, and does not manage his bipolar, then the answer to your question is a firm and loud NO!
You will not be able to lead any type of happy normal relationship and life unless steps are implemented and treatment is followed.

It took 3 and a half years to get my life right. Lots of loss and heartache along the way. Many relationships lost. Financial trouble.. Just huge mess. Even jail time.

If I can be of any further assistance please reach out to me via private message. I am more than willing to help in any way I can, and point you into the right directions.

Also get online and look for support groups in your area.

Good luck.

Asked to answer by

 

~Going live on Moments of Clarity~ earlier in fact 1 hour~

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Looking forward to working with Tiffany on breaking mental health stigma.

I’ll see you next week on ~Moments of Clarity~June 15th

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Thanks to all of you