Words pour out spinning in my mind
Below is the link explaining in more detail how starry night was painted while Van Gogh was in a mental institution and the painting was inspired by his view from the window of his cell from the mental institution.
Ok. I’m gonna take you on a tour to try and experience what mania feels like. I’m writing about my traits mostly, and a few small stories along the way with added visual effects. So come on in…..
So What does a manic episode feel like? Lets begin. The fun part:
(if there is such a thing) it’s like your on cocaine. So if you’ve ever done coke then that’s a good platform to grasp exactly how the early stages of mania feels like for me. Ten feet tall & bullet proof.
This stress will then manifest itself in Creative ways. First my interest in music increases. So much so that every song is speaking to me and was most likely written for me, and has special meaning that I’m obviously the only one able to receive the special message, the only one able to hear the encrypted meaning. I’ll think of a song I want to hear, I’ll shuffle my entire list of songs on my iPhone(740 songs) and about 9 times out of 10 the song I wanted to hear will be selected . “Wow that’s a connection” I’ll think. So now the universe is speaking to me through the songs as they play.
Next I’ll begin to have a pattern to my speech. Not only will I begin to speak faster but I’ll speak in riddles, rhymes and beats. I become the Dr Seuss of bipolar rhyming. And every word is profound and perfect. Why? “But of course” because its coming from me. I think to myself “it’s the nuggets of wisdom that fall from my mind, it’s the words that escape you that somehow I find” kinda stuff.
Finally numbers come into play. I’m a 0101 baby, born January 1st! Alas I’m binary! And that ignites the magic around me. Things come to life and meaning can be found anywhere I look especially in numbers. Meaning to what? Meaning to life! How I can save the world! Wait I can’t even save myself.
I put it back outside later. Now I’m the queen of the bees! Or at least for the time being this seems to be the case.
Next lets take life on a dangerous dare! I get into my car, decide at 7:00 am to go back home 2 hours away. But I’m gonna make it there in 1 hour & 15 minutes. Why? Well I can drive with such precision and ease when I’m super human. So much so that speeds of 100 miles an hour is achievable once my mind, my body and the road, adapt to my driving style. Which I proceed to drive the entire way home at speeds between 90 to 100 miles an hour. Can’t let that speedometer not be on my lucky number!! 0101 my birthday, the encrypted magical message. thinks to myself “Must keep achieving speed of 101! I can do it!” And I did. Thank God I’m alive to recall this to you, and that no one was killed
What does it feel like?
Like any illness in general it sucks.
Why? There is no cure.
When I first received my diagnosis I stayed in denial for about 2 years.
I mean who wants that stigma right?
Both my parents suffered enough with the illness, so early on I swore “not me” “I’m not gonna get it“
Majored in Psychology to gain a better understanding , while earning my degree , I had my first bout. It was after finishing statistics in psychology.
I’ve been up and down all my life. Looking back I most likely lived with it for the better half of my life. The traits that others found endearing, such as boundless energy, the life of the party, ideas that were radical, spontaneous, whimsical, rhyming, the abuse of drugs, Was all cool and fun.
As I got older those traits turned from endearing to dark, and bold, and brutal.
Believing yourself to be a superhuman of sorts is not realistic. But I did believe this. I also believed many other non truths while in mania.
The low, the depression, it was real bad. So much so that suicide was a close friend of mine that I romanced often. Attempted twice. Hospitalized against my will because of it. Even wrote a large essay about suicide and how it is actually courageous and in no way selfish. I rationalized this by turning the selfish element on to those who would miss me, as being the selfish ones. And truly I still see it that way.
The only reason anyone wants you around them, although some may claim love, it’s that they need you, they want you. In that alone arises their selfish desire of needing you to stay here. I realize that this is a polluted thought , but it rings true to me.
Bi polar disorder skews reality, it blurs the lines, and we don’t always use nor have the same filter as those not afflicted with this disease of the mind.
But I always remind those who will listen that some of the greatest minds were afflicted with this disorder this disease.
Here is a link to see for yourself the list of many famous minds:
The Following paragraphs below were in response to a question Via Quora
A women asked if there was any way someone with Bipolar Disorder could lead a healthy normal life (BTW What is Normal anyway?)The women had told me that her boyfriend was up and down, and a few times physically absive Below is my response. To her Question~
Then you have alcohol. A bipolar person simply shouldn’t drink at all. However I personally drink an occasional glass of wine without repercussions. Remember that the variables are vast in management of bipolar disorder and each person is unique in symptoms and treatment.
Next meditation and spirituality go a long way, I pray each day upon waking. I meditate later in the day. I can not stress enough of how God has helped me. I realize not all share my view in regard to God. But hey it’s all personal and more importantly what works for you. I will say that when I didn’t pray and have faith, I was not a happy camper, and all the meds in the world did not make a difference.
Today I’m on an extremely low dose of meds. I only take 250mg of Lamictal, and 100 mg of Trazadone, Xanax only when needed. My meds are mild in comparison to others I know. It was not always like this for me. But prayer and spirituality centered me. Changed me.
Now if any of the above is not being followed to the best of ones ability, it’s gonna be one hell of a ride.
To answer your question, yes it can be done. But the management is a hit and miss. One has to be diligent in order to stay with the realm of reality, and to thwart mood swings.
Research and read. Here are two books I highly recommend. This one is like a handbook for bipolar people.
Next one is ~Madness~ Marya Hornbacher does a phenomenal job of giving the perspective of a manic bipolar person. I just recently finished this book.
Now the flip side. If he does not take treatment seriously, and does not manage his bipolar, then the answer to your question is a firm and loud NO!
You will not be able to lead any type of happy normal relationship and life unless steps are implemented and treatment is followed.
It took 3 and a half years to get my life right. Lots of loss and heartache along the way. Many relationships lost. Financial trouble.. Just huge mess. Even jail time.
If I can be of any further assistance please reach out to me via private message. I am more than willing to help in any way I can, and point you into the right directions.
Also get online and look for support groups in your area.
I don’t need you to rattle my cage every damn day.
I don’t need you
& your diabolical demonic rage
I don’t need this cage
I don’t need you
I don’t need this cage
And All it’s cost all its pain
To go on further
To turn further to turn that damn page
I don’t need that fowl threat
I don’t pay your deadly debt
I look away
No more I will hear your voice
No longer hear you say
So I’ll say it again let it sink in
Don’t rattle my cage
Causing the rage
I’m leaving this battle
May it shake may it rattle
But I’m leaving the fucking cage
I don’t need you
Don’t need this cage
As keys dropped
I walk away
Exquisite exit revealed
Choose which door
Dropped to the floor
And to think that it’s all seems a Complete bore….. This life so fake
It makes one wonder if life is to take? At a time of our choosing
And is it really this life that I’m loosing?
These Social niceties….
…This show is exhausting
Wearing these mask
It’s a grueling nightmarish daily task
Surreal Essenes clouds
eyes are heavy, as is the mind
And much of this seems to be a waste of my time
I’m gonna choose this door wisely
With swift conviction I will prepare don’t temp fate not on a dare…
Or my entrance
Exquisite , Grandeur
Just be cautious
Tell no one that’s for damn sure
..Leaping into the unknown area
There, where all suicide tendency subsides
Not For Reproduction