~Stigma~ 

Smeared dullness

Catatonic stare

That’s what they think 

Washed out color

Long halls painted grey

Not a door insight

Ideas out of focus

Stifling, confusing

Lack luster,  incredulous

emotions …….Clawing away the life fingers scraping their nails jagged and bloody, threads unravelling.. like the sound of a chalk board being scratched.

That’s what stigma, bias do isolate you.

Yet I exist Wrapped inside this cocoon~

Generic and uncategorized yet longing to be labeled and in a category ~ oh wait, I am… I fall under stigma mental illness under my skin, unseen yet relentless in my mind there are millions of my kind.

One size fits all as long as that size is extra large as to swallow my frame,as well as yours.

Swallowing my existence whole~

Preferably invisible~

Left unseen~

To myself~

Designated ~

As is~NJM

~What, This Love?~

There is a sadness that runs so deep

Out my pours it begins to seep

Little pools of vomit from the little holes

It started today

Again you turned my love away

What do I do with this love

I know it is true

But where do I keep it

I have not a clue.

I stayed up late my usual routine

Arose at 11

I never rolled a lucky 7

Snake eyes is my true roll

I seem to gamble with my soul

What do I do with this love

Tuck it away

The edges slip out

Jagged torn

I pray dear God why was I born?

Maybe I’m feeling you like I often do

Maybe you’re Sad and without a clue.

What do I do with the love meant only for you

When you turn me away

Telling me to let you go

You say ~Darlin you need to let me go, I’m not good for you~

How the fuck can you know, you think you are gifted with insight from some realm

Some unseen sight

You can’t truly be sure

Our love just might….

Survive in the place i prepared just for us

But my sadness pours out of my pours like puss

Please stop all this shit

The guise the game

For once in your life make a true change

I’m trying to work on my book

And my article post

Instead I hear my heart it loves you the most

What do I do with the pain of rejection all my life

I never said take me as your wife

Just be there in the place I made just for two

That place I prepared for me and for you.

Do you love me too?

I’m impetuous and cruel

Act play a fool

When you turn me away

I didn’t ask for much

Just that you stay.

Is it because you can’t forgive yourself from the past 

How you hurt me so

I lashed out then ran fast

Why is it I love the one who hurt me most

Who haunts me daily like a ghost?

What do I do with this love?

Tell me please

My mind is rambles already diseased….

What do I do with this love

My love 

What this love?

~Eulogy-My Epitaph~

My Eulogy, My epitaph 

Can’t be written

Can’t contain

All the bullshit that Will remain

You know not about silence you have no clue~

You think art a weapon

Used by you?

Ha!

That is funny!

Think your self special my darling My honey~

I can spit out words faster than you think~

Faster than the bottle from ,Which you drink~

Don’t announce yourself to me

Tell me your ~I’m back”~

You’re the fire the lightening, Really is that a fact?

Or more bullshit you concote, Damn what a shock~

Not really your predictable you see?

If I want to see then I will, Otherwise should’ve let it be

Hacking my blog!

Think it’s cool?

All that college all that school, And to think I think you nothing more than a fool~

So you crack a code, Mix a spell,All that shit go to hell~

The jewel you found, Fascinated were you~

But you did see, That I can view, Things unseen, Feel you too~

I have a gift given at birth, Some say a blessing ,I often think it a curse~

So trend your words ,Algorithm and stride ,Get ready my Darling,For your big ride~

I could write and write, Forever you see especially,When it’s about you And me~

I’m lyrically gifted as well its seems, I take one simple word make it a dream……

Or a nightmare to frighten to scare To remind all who know me, Best beware~

There is not another you Know like me, but I know others exist….

I live in the know, Just as the tides ebb and flow~

Some say I’m a Cather of Catherism, no protest! But they do nonetheless~

My Tribe are the shaman, oracles of old.. Catherism….lights shine through the glass of a church like a prism~

Make others wonder how this is so, Art is no weapon!

Ha!

It’s a beautiful dance, It is what I am, What I will always be~

My epitaph~

My Eulogy~

I’m living,You see~

I forgot you know not, Blinded by ego~

A hurt that is fake, You go crawl the earth now, You scorpion snake~

#######

 It Takes One to Know One Bishop Jay Lambert~

I was recently told that an Episcopalian Bishop said I had demons on me. Hmmm…….I think we all have demons to deal with, personal ones. Including not limited to Bishop Jay Lambert. In fact usually in life when people accuse you of such, it’s because they’re reflecting there crap 💩 onto you.

I used to live across the street from him that is how I came to know him and his family. Ole Gibson and Cypress…on those corners.

 I also interviewed him for a college class that needed me to contrast two religions.

Now I try …… Let me stress TRY to be what I call a non tradional Christian.

I thought awhile about the comment. It was repeated to me  from a person trying to make a mends to me.

Then I remembered all the parts both the Bishop and his son have played in my life…. Not positive in anyway might I add.

In life we reflect. We all have also heard the saying “it takes one to know one”.

This is a true statement.
So my dear bishop touche’.

You too have demons on you, as do we all. Probably touched William when he was young, sexually for all I know… you strike me as someone who could sexually abuse their child, just my thoughts…..

I’m still floored that a man of the cloth a Bishop would speak such.

There is no love in that statement only judgement,disdain and entitlement, makes sense why your son is how he is.

So Bishop L)&)@t I believe the bible states to cast not the first stone, it also says if you reject the least of my brother/sisters that I do unto you. 
God simply is Love, by rejecting me or any other human being you reject yourself.
Being a Bishop you ought to uphold what Jesus taught”love thy neighbor as thyself. You Bishop of all should be an example of that. However YOU ARE NOT. God have mercy on your soul.

So to be clear Bishop Lambear or Lambert it’s all a French name, think you may need to face a few of your demons, as we all.
I suggest that the confused sexuality you exude makes you inferior considering the time you were born. 
Having your beard protects you to some, but not to me, why you say? It takes one to know one, that’s how see.
Retour à l’Eau Claire nous roturiers n’ont pas besoin de plus jusdgement d’amd de rejet aux mains d’un usurpateur et 
Oh, one more thing, God didn’t speak to me in the shower as per your experience …God just speaks everywhere…
scandaleuse vous ne pensez pas ? Oui, je crois que ça pourrait être…

Go figure.

~Poe Park~

Just as you are

How can you not see

just as you are

Is no better than me

You stood by the subway

Looking back

Your hair a mess

Where is the color

In your face 

Where are you going

Why are you leaving this place?

Jeans are to big 

You lost to much weight 

I want you to know

Just as you are

I still love you

Drugs and all

Am I the opiate you had to leave

Was I your heart you wore on your sleeve?

Was it the cocaine fueled night

Downtown all that flair

Dancing and swinging

To the beat

Full of fire 

Full of heat 

If I’m your drug 

Don’t detox me

I love you just as you are

See?

Our eyes glassed over we love the drugs hip hop baby like well dressed Thugs~

Feeling the textures

Giving the hugs

Drinking the water

Sweat pouring down

You were my king baby

You wore the crown

So you grab your glass of Macallan Whiskey you keep in your bar~
Take a deep sip

Then with a tip

You swallow the rest

Damn dear Darlin 

This is not a test

Whiskey fueled nightmare

So where is your blue label scotch 

Sure that will be next

Line of cocaine 

And forget all the rest…….Of them

I sit on the benches 

In Poe park

Children running 

Dirty feet

Smudged faces

Where are you going

To what places

I love you just as you are

Like my Austin Sculpture art

Whimsical fantasy 

Limitless treasure

How I remember

The museums

Our secrete pleasure~

I feel you used me like many before

You used them then like waddled paper on the floor~

You showed them out of your door 

You were done

You took what they gave you

You had your fun

So here I sit in Poe park


Was I like them

Did you discard me

Like chewing gum

You had to taste 

Then spit me out

Into the street

Where I got stuck beneath your feet?

I still love you

Just as you are

I’ll be in the park

I’ll bare the scar

My heart feels 

Empty as you headed

Down the subway

You look away

I want you dear Darlin

Please stay

Sit with me on the bench

In Poe Park

We can be that sculpture

Living art

I still love you

Just as you are

Look for me when your back

I’m your brightest star

I’ll still be me

Only not free

And I’ll still love you just as you are

Not for reproduction~

~NJM~

~Little Deaths~

I helped you Die those little deaths In your sorry existence 

I gave you songs.

When you had no tunes left in you

I started to see the fire in your belly

And the steel running down your back

You were the most fearsome thing that ever lived

I know I breathed the life into you

I’m the one who awakened you

Now you must sleep
Embrace those little deaths

As a  reminder of

The memory

Of me

In you alive~

Not for Reproduction~

~Polluted Mind~

And so it was, this day
Unlike the other, I wake to find

The fowl stench of my mind
Stale and putrid

This place is familiar
A swamp of murky water

Thoughts are draped like Spanish moss suffocating an Oak tree

It Takes hold clutching my thriving soul
Pulling me , pressing

Sinking further, downward
Spiraling awkwardly
Falling……faster

Acutely aware of my condition
But gambling with my life
I throw the dice

Lacking all conviction
Unable to achieve the desired outcome

I will awake between this world
Hinged on each realm
by only one dimension

It’s cold, veiny hand
Will caress my brow

While quietly I resign
Only to awaken yet again
To this polluted state of mind.