~Stigma~ 

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Smeared dullness

Catatonic stare

That’s what they think

Washed out color

Long halls painted grey

Not a door insight

Ideas out of focus

Stifling, confusing

Lack luster,  incredulous

emotions …….Clawing away the life fingers scraping their nails jagged and bloody, threads unravelling.. like the sound of a chalk board being scratched.

That’s what stigma, bias does isolates you.

Yet I exist Wrapped inside this cocoon~

Generic and uncategorized yet longing to be labeled and in a category ~ oh wait, I am… I fall under stigma mental illness under my skin, unseen yet relentless in my mind there are millions of my kind.

One size fits all as long as that size is extra large as to swallow my frame,as well as yours.

Swallowing my existence whole~

Preferably invisible~

Left unseen~

To myself~

Designated ~

As is~NJM

~Being Open about my Illness~You’re Crazy~

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ImageAt the beginning of my diagnosis I was completely in denial. So although diagnosed, I did not even acknowledge my diagnosis for the first 4 years.

But now 4 years later I can look back and see that I fit the criteria of a bipolar person. With my acceptance came a desire to be heard and help others gain a better understanding of what it is to live with bipolar disorder. Just like Mill’s stated everyone has there own personal story, it varies with each individual.

I have only regretted it when I’ve been met with ignorance or indifference, or fear. I have indeed been faced with others who have not been educated in regard to bipolar as well as other mental illness. More people seem to relate to depression because more individuals are faced with it, as opposed to bipolar. I once wore the label of “clinically depressed” I was first diagnosed with clinical depression in my 20’s. It seemed I was openly accepted being clinically depressed.

Because bipolar disorder is related to extreme shifts of mood. It’s laden with many unknown variables. The sensitivity of the illness and its ability to shift in opposite directions, leaves others worried about your personal stability and sensitivity.
But generally I’m at a place in my life where I bare the label with openness and willingness to educate others and answer questions to the best of my experience and struggles.

Treatment and upkeep of the disorder goes along way with the stability aspect. When you have a good history of stability in regard to treatment, it helps others feel secure in reaching out to you. People are fearful of what they’ve seen or not seen or heard. When someone is exposed to me for an extended period of time, Barriers breakdown and a level of acceptance is then replaced with prior apprehension I was met with. Truthfully you can’t be bipolar in society without meeting some prejudice. I believe this is true for all mental illness, not just exclusive to bipolar disorder, but all. It’s not limited to just my label, but all mental illness labels, and autism as well.
Not for Reproduction~

~Suicide Tendency~ A Must Read~

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The grand entrance will yield
Exquisite exit revealed
Choose which door
Dropped to the floor
And to think that it’s all seems a Complete bore….. This life so fake
It makes one wonder if life is to take? At a time of our choosing
And is it really this life that I’m loosing?
These Social niceties….
..These lies…
…This show is exhausting
Wearing these mask
It’s a grueling nightmarish daily task
Surreal Essenes clouds
eyes are heavy, as is the mind
And much of this seems to be a waste of my time
I’m gonna choose this door wisely
With swift conviction I will prepare don’t temp fate not on a dare…
my exit…
Or my entrance
Exquisite , Grandeur
Just be cautious
Tell no one that’s for damn sure
Silence…….
..Leaping into the unknown area
Exiting exquisitely
There, where all suicide tendency subsides
In this great unknown emptiness that deeply divides~

Not For Reproduction

~I’m Here~Reach Out~

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Here I am

Beside your shoulder breathing you in
Unseen
I am shapeless in your existence~
Here I am
In your thoughts
Invading them you can’t reach out to me although I am right here, why?
Here I am
In your heart
Undying; living in each cell running in your blood pumping through your veins~
Here I am
What have you done? Clever are you, yet still I am here~
Here I am
You think you see me
But I’m a ghost only to you
Alive to others~
Here I am
Timeless, unshackled and wild~
Here I am
Next to you caressing your
Guilt, your wrongs, your deeds~
But you don’t feel me as you wish too
You tucked me away~
Here I am
Looking directly at you
Yet you cannot see me, blind are your eyes, those deep ocean filled eyes~
Here I am
I was there, as was you
But did either know? Was it ever truly true?
By the way is there a real you?~
Here I am dancing all around you
I am that wind, that chill that went right through you leaving you shaken and breathless, hands trembling~
Here I am
I seeped into your dream, it was beautiful~
You awoke
But I was gone~
NJM~
Not for Reproduction

~Poe Park~

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Just as you are

How can you not see

just as you are

Is no better than me

You stood by the subway

Looking back

Your hair a mess

Where is the color

In your face

Where are you going

Why are you leaving this place?

Jeans are to big

You lost to much weight

I want you to know

Just as you are

I still love you

Drugs and all

Am I the opiate you had to leave

Was I your heart you wore on your sleeve?

Was it the cocaine fueled night

Downtown all that flair

Dancing and swinging

To the beat

Full of fire

Full of heat

If I’m your drug

Don’t detox me

I love you just as you are

See?

Our eyes glassed over we love the drugs hip hop baby like well dressed Thugs~

Feeling the textures

Giving the hugs

Drinking the water

Sweat pouring down

You were my king baby

You wore the crown

So you grab your glass of Macallan Whiskey you keep in your bar~
Take a deep sip

Then with a tip

You swallow the rest

Damn dear Darlin

This is not a test

Whiskey fueled nightmare

So where is your blue label scotch

Sure that will be next

Line of cocaine

And forget all the rest…….Of them

I sit on the benches

In Poe park

Children running

Dirty feet

Smudged faces

Where are you going

To what places

I love you just as you are

Like my Austin Sculpture art

Whimsical fantasy

Limitless treasure

How I remember

The museums

Our secrete pleasure~

I feel you used me like many before

You used them then like waddled paper on the floor~

You showed them out of your door

You were done

You took what they gave you

You had your fun

So here I sit in Poe park


Was I like them

Did you discard me

Like chewing gum

You had to taste

Then spit me out

Into the street

Where I got stuck beneath your feet?

I still love you

Just as you are

I’ll be in the park

I’ll bare the scar

My heart feels

Empty as you headed

Down the subway

You look away

I want you dear Darlin

Please stay

Sit with me on the bench

In Poe Park

We can be that sculpture

Living art

I still love you

Just as you are

Look for me when your back

I’m your brightest star

I’ll still be me

Only not free

And I’ll still love you just as you are

Not for reproduction~

~NJM~

~Beautifully Unfinished~

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Know that I shall not hang on

So why can’t I let go?

In my dreams when I’m with you

Somehow I forget to breath

You got me like a rag doll

Now I’m dancing on your string

And I keep trying

To figure out

Who you are to me

Maybe all that

We were meant to be

Is beautifully unfinished

Cause your’re the one

I can’t lose

You’re  the one

That I can’t win

Maybe all that we were meant to be was beautifully unfinished

~Fat Tuesday~

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Fat Tuesday is here

my Darlin Dear

Preemptive plight

Planned party

Late night

Mardi Gras is here

It’s that time of year

skies hued

yellow, purple, green aglow

The sounds clamoring

Fighting to outdo

each musical note

There we were dancing

Swaying to the beat of the

Floats the heat

Jazz music fills the streets

Down Canal street turning round to
cross over to Bourbon~

Take in each shot

Preemptively planned

Glass in hand

Other hand in yours

Flying high

beads round our neck making music

of their own

Debris in the streets

Faces smeared

Drunken flow

Dancing in flight

Cheap trinkets flying

Dashing, fighting, grinding

Preemptively planned party

Your eyes two lights flaming bright

watching your sexy arm

Light your Marlboro

Smiles and giggles

Two jokes only we are in on

Blowing your smoke out

Between your sexy lips

I get close and kiss your lips

Playfully biting the lower one

Endless fun

Pass that joint don’t bogard

It’s high time for all

It’s this night we aim to please

Preemptively planned plight

Gonna party all damn night

Then some more

On each street corner

Stands a whore

Sodom and Gomorrah

What a life Darlin what sight

Pulling you closer

Let this night never be over never be done~

The entire world is watching

All the court jesters

All the clowns

All the kings and queens on floats wearing their crown~

Hey that’s a decent poison

Crown Royal over rocks

Splash of water barkeep please

Don’t be stingy now pour long don’t tease~

Walking don’t dare run

And then it fades

Leaving, lingering

Till next year we preemptively plan again for this night~

Fat Tuesday Darlin Dear

I hear you whisper in my ear

As we float high above the rest

Preemptive plight party all night

Fat Tuesday

Madri Gras

We will do it again and again

Mardi Gras never ends~

Not for reproduction

~NJM