I haven’t written in awhile and soon I will be writing about why. It is called 101 days of Hell~ and in more contemplative thoughts I’m working on how one can achieve happiness alone….. Yes I said happy and alone in one sentence and it feels good~
Category Archives: situation
~Preemptive~revised~
Preemptive I suppose
I leave first
You silver tongue devil
You had me almost
But all of my life I stood by
With hope learning to cope
No more
Preemptive I am
Strike you down
Out of my sight
Purged from my mind
You can come to look
You will not find
Preemptive in love
Just as in war
I am a missile
I reach out so far
I’ll tear down your defenses
I close in on you all around
Slash your heart first
Never again it’s now
A curse
Laid upon me long ago
A trust can be broken only so many times
Am I confused unable to see
I breed in you and you breed in me
And we also bleed too!
Your deceit
Is a pool of my blood around your feet
My blood, my scars
No one can never cross far over my lines
Drawn in a particular way
So when I am done
I have the say
Preemptive
I can’t even make it a month
Thinking of what could be us
I see to much fault
You are not what I thought
Characteristics you portray
Soon fade away
So I jump out
Leaving you quickly
I can’t conceive
Why you can’t perceive
That I am no longer shackled
By love or sex
Well I’d like to think
Mortal coil craves
I’m human
I have my days
I’m preemptive
You wonder how you let go the best
It’s not you
It’s not a test
So go on your way
Give it a rest
Wait what did I just say?
Preemptive dear Darlin dear
Now feel the fate as it draws near~
~Moods 101~A Must read, especially Bipolar sufferers~
Welcome to moods 101
Let’s hurry up, get this day done….
These stale corners of this life I live Days like these it’s hard to give… An inch, a mile,a simple smile. I lay in bed and mope awhile.
When emotions are sharp as a knife,And corners lose their curve,
It’s like a resounding screeching noise that sits on my last nerve.
These modes leave few to choose-The only way to try to win is instead to lose. Allowing the funk and muck to slosh all around, blocking out the environment and not allowing sound.
I will allow this feeling to slowly drain me dry, and somewhere in between each take I’ll stop to think and cry.
Then tomorrow like the miracle she always is, will unfold with moods anew… And all these crapy shitty moods will only be a few.
Does someone who is bipolar know that they’re wrong when they are verbally abusive and threatening during a manic phase?
Well, I’m speaking of my experience.
No and yes.
When manic, your sense of boundaries are skewed. The filter that most individuals use and have in place cease to exist.
In the manic phase, mania takes on many forms. Strong hostility, as well as a viscous tongue can arise if provoked even the slightest by someone who at one time or another failed me, these fails will indeed rise to the surface.
With that I’ve never been dishonest with my words but verbally abusive would fit. What I would say was often very true about what I felt about things they’ve done. But it was said very harshly, and with viscous intent. The message I conveyed was not false , but was said in such abrupt disregard that it would leave its scar.
Threatening. I only threatened when I was threatened. By that I mean because I’m bi polar, and may be within a confrontation , statements ” like you need to take your meds”or “no one will believe you cause you crazy ” will set me off, especially since those words are meant to make me feel less than, and with ignorance. Which at that point I will zone into all character flaws of the said individual I’m in conflict with and rip them to shreds, at which point I can leave them speechless.
In short I must be provoked in order to act in such ways. Granted I’m more sensitive when manic. So if the person is aware of my state. Then all could be avoided. It’s all in the care, in the handling.
Most of those whom I’ve done this too, had in most cases abandoned me when I may have needed them most. And when they needed me most I was there for them in their time of need.This is why I’ve burned a few bridges. But if they were unsupportive of me after my diagnosis then those bridges need not be crossed again.
These are my experiences , the only thing I felt bad for was how I said it. How I said it, and my intent behind it. But I was never sorry for speaking the truth.
Written 16 Dec, 2013. Asked to answer by Marcus Ford.
~ You Were~You Are~You Will~Son~
You were written in my story before I was created
You were sent to bring the love that few often find
You came to teach me many things of which I am still learning
You have this quietness that takes secrecy to another level
You have laughter like no one else and it comes from deep within
Health issues have afflicted you yet you overcome
You have seen ugly that no one should see yet you chose to find the beauty
You create your own world that keeps you safe when safety seems far from reach
You stay silent and still when the moment calls for it
You have fear around you, but God did not give you the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind
You speak up and understand right from wrong and are not afraid to be the voice of reason when you feel brave enough, I understand and know you have been bullied I have been too
You are brave enough; you just don’t know it yet
You are torn in different directions, and I yearn to change this each waking day
You adapt quickly just as I did, life called us to be this way, you blend in when needed
You deserve better than you have received, not in regard to gifts but in regard to consistency and safety I intend to change that
You are confused because things don’t seem right at times yet it remains as it is
You possess the bloodline of a noble namesake and it is why I promised my Dad if I ever had a son, I would carry on his name in honor
You are honor; you are majestic beyond that which can be explained
You will come through this a tougher human a stronger man but with the measure of kindness that will be needed when it is called for
You are slow to speak, in fact you are a son of little words, but when you speak your words are beautiful and timely
You have relatives that share your blood yet they are cowards you are not like them you are not a coward
You are noble and above the superficial and this is what will save you in the end
You miss me, I miss you but this too shall pass
Until then I pray the only influence you have is of Devine origin, straight from God and Angels that encompass you, and as I instructed and did with you each day, I pray you remember each day to pray
You have great reward and favor blessed upon you
You are an angel and I am better because you came into my life
I will never let you go, I will allow God to help me yield, to lead my path
That path leads to you and each and every day I am one step closer
You are my son and I love you
~NJM~
NICK PLEASE READ~Nicholas~
Nicholas your name means victory for the people.
Nicholas did you know I always said I would never have children. But along you came. I didn’t want to bring a child into a world I didn’t understand.
Nicholas do you know how special and beautiful your heart is? They’re very very few like you. Don’t ever be afraid to be different or worry what people think of you.
Nicholas you are wise far beyond years. Damn time my son, time can be so cruel. If I could go back I would be holding you safely as a child who is 2 yrs old bikie in mouth eyes so big with wonderment.
Nicholas do you want to be with me? Or has your mind been clouded. Remember Momma always said tell the truth, this includes two sides and your side. I know this is hard to understand but one day you’ll get it.
Nicholas the love I have for you is immeasurable and without any condition. I realize it can not be bought, no computers or games last forever, they fade… Love does not. Others will try to buy your love.
Nicholas things that happened should have never went down as they did. It is what it is. Life is gonna come at you quickly sometime and there is not a way to prepare.
Nicholas there are those who feed off another’s pain and suffering, why? Because all they know is pain and suffering. They no not the inner love that God gave to us. Somewhere in life theirs was stolen, or they did not come equip with it. Everyone is wired a bit differently.
Each day you’re away from me my heart dies a little.
My son I can’t live without you, it’s that simple. My only prayer is your mind is of its own not polluted by others agendas.
One day when you have a child you will better understand. Until then the only prayer I can utter to God is to keep you safe, around good people despite circumstances and mostly bring you back to me.
Nicholas I love you
Always
Your Mom
~More of DAR last Will and Testament~5/17/2014 4 damn years…. wait it’s a 4! (Inside joke) 4 is lucky happy Godly ~~truly~
More of his text to my son and me, from May, 17th 2014. For the record if you ….and you know who are..keep trying to use my mental disability against me. When my Lawyer and I are finished with you, the truth of your illness’s will be revealed, notice the plural on illness. Bulimia, Alcohol dependency,Lies, Thieving, anger issues…to name a few.
So it may appear things are in your favor for now, however, if God be for us/me then who can be against us/me.
Updated~Two Week Notice~yeah already~—
Dear God up above I can still feel your love…. but I’m sorry to say I must leave go away~ you called me a light worker, I can only do so much never ever figured out what is the human touch.
You blessed me with human a beautiful baby boy. I’m entrusting you to him, he is a child and yet my sin~when I try to write my book I don’t even know where to begin my life was fast like a whirlwind…and pieces scattered about and within
It’s all like a puzzle that was left in a closet hidden away, no one notice nor knew what to say
Laying by the devils side it isn’t hard to decide, he is the God of this world I now see, and I figured out the exit for me…. for any who look and choose to see, my mission complete~
So just give two weeks notice and keep the memories they serve no purpose when I’m gone. My words will live on and on. I planted seeds along the way, somehow though was led astray. So here I am Lord here I lay so I request an early judgement day.
I would do the same for my son, I would love him no matter what he may have done.
I ask in return you bless his life free of worry grief strife…. to live to laugh to love to know I can still see him from far above.
I laid by the devils side for over half my life it caused me to much pain to much strife and as a human being I’m sick of this life… I quit. Well I’m giving my two week notice as any good employee of a universal truth I must say I did enjoy my youth….. sometimes…. it reminded me I wasn’t meant for here, I was wild free and truly fierce scared of NOTHING!!!! Not even death. I couldn’t wait to take a last breath… but I endured and at times I laughed
But often rejected due to class, stereotypes, and bullshit in general full circle around but this time my Lord I leave this playground~ two weeks notice not to long to go and when I get where I’m Going please don’t say “I told you so” see ya soon!
Probably by noon
~NJM~Quotes~ Humanity~
Look at history, Mans inhumanity to man proves the very nature of mankind is defective~NJM~
~If You Wore my Shoes to Anyone who Caused harm to me or my Son~
My shoes carry me through the world
I see you lost grasping for air sucking up my space
You feed upon yourself remaining transfixed upon the life spent feeding the masses dreams denying yourself all the while in the spotlight and you should walk in my shoes
The road ahead it’s a curve with a caution light flashing My shoes are worn but…………….
There is rest area ahead but I’m not tired
These shoes allow me to get to my destination, these shoes know the way, there on my feet and that’s where they’ll stay
I’m the lioness pacing fiercely beyond your shallow walls, and one sided dreams
Razor sharp precision is scarce compared to the cutting claws that scrape away all your defenses
As evil as bat in a dark cave when cornered, the demon that lives tucked in the back of your mind
The cold breeze that sends chills up your spine
The leopard on high alert in a dare like stance protecting her cubs
The stillness you’ve yet to experience, the turmoil that you long to touch
The angelic comfort sought in times of trouble, yielding strength that you are deprived of
The voice that will never stop speaking, the one whose words will live on long after I’m gone
The torn soul pieces strewn about. With the ability to sustain peace within any storm
The threads, the shriveled up shredded threads that somehow work, and hold the fabrics of my life
I rise like a phoenix and…….
Gracefully Will I pass you by, peacefully I’ll look into your eye and you will then know you’ve stood in my shoes~
Bipolar Tapestry~Poetic Thoughts 