~Spit It Out~Write~

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Spit it out

Put it on paper
Someone will read it sooner or later~
Thoughts swirl around
Ideas kept inside
Don’t be afraid to speak out
Don’t run and hide ~
Spew it forth tear it from your soul
Lest you forget to write it down
less regress
Grow old~
There is benefit in most all that you read
Whether the subject is controversial or definitely agreed~
You have an opinion don’t we all?
So stop write it down
Soon or later perhaps when your long gone your words still exist
And that part of you lives on~
Your Essence ignites what you stood for while you lived the things often scared to share, to process, to give~
Spit it out, spew it forth, write!
Write it down
It will be heard
One day to be found~
Words hold your meaning
Words Paint your life
Words are your magic
Cast your spell
Plant the seed
It may grow take root
And the whole world one day may read~So Write!
This is not for recognition as much as for you, for you are your art..
But these words you may write is a testament, it’s your part~

Spit it out, spew it forth

Put it on paper
Someone will read it sooner or later~

~Hearts Beating~Short Poetry~NJM~

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I could hear my heart beat beating I could hear everyone’s heart~ .I could hear the human noise we made as we sat there waiting not one of us moving not even when the room went dark~

~My Muse~

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Muse where art thou my beloved muse

Such cruelty to leave me dry and brittle lacking all creativity

Daily you fed me inspiration

From the fountain of your mystique, your enigmatic presence prevails

Calls to my soul write for this night for each day you grow old

Celebrate your magnificent influence in my life

Take solace in the knowledge of your completing my life 

You were the sweetest of lovers

The spirit of truth 

My love, my dear my fountain of youth~

Muse you may go if you must

Another muse will come along shortly in this you can trust~

Not for reproduction~

  

~Silence~Sshh~

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Listen?What do you hear?

Silence….

So profound it speaks all its beautiful quiet self~

Listen?

What do you hear?

Water dripping in the fountain~

The soothing repetitive sound~

But Silence is now were I’ll be found~

So let the sounds drown out  & blow the gentle wind~

The unseen breeze tickling my chin~

The sun glistening through the leaves

Peaking at me in silence

Kissing me from afar

This silence is my refuge

It defines my personal need

To listen only if I want

Perhaps you listen to the deafening

Silence that belongs to me and you

While we both await to see each other again~

I know silence is my friend

By my side until the end

Ssshhh

Quiet now

Silence~

~ Undeniable~

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Disappearing into your gravity can’t help it,

Spinning awkwardly

You raddled my mind 

shaking my existence to the core

Yet in the place I am, I desire more

More than the justice lacking

The people slacking

Cyber hacking

Only a bleak

Shell of someone

Something

Happening

Hanging by a thread

Still Attached to the needle

Somehow the thread won’t sever won’t let go

Yet the needle will not yield

There is no shield to protect me

Look around what do you see

I feel I’ve fallen to the ground

Your voice bleak so low in the background

I am still here still in tact 

Yet Am I a useful artifact

I love, I feel,  I have been healed

Or so it seems

Perhaps this all

Was just a dream

One I can never awake 

Maybe it is me my heart is yours to take~

~Fragments of Life~ In Short Thoughts~NJM~

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“Thoughts of situations that have happened or may never happen. Some are in poetic brief statements. Others short stories, scenarios, entertained thoughts of mine I hope you relate to in some abstract form. This is a different style of writing I am attempting, I hope to engage all. I believe these fragments are yet to be, or already live between you and me

 

He drew in the smoke…watching the smoke that was not contained in his lungs wave and twirl. Slowly the pain went away.

Riveting! the chill spread up her spine, hair stood up on the back of her neck, and goose bumps covered her body.

Pressure from your hand crashed down through the glass obliterating it into a mini explosion of ice shards that sliced right through skin… I felt your need of me of each breath, each time you pressed again and again. Then circuits burned and all boards went down without messages needed to convey system failed. Even our binary was off beat. Not one code understood. Alone without value. Yet we stayed.

Spilt time puddled upon the floor of existence like a glass of milk pooled on the kitchen table waiting… To be cleaned up.

“He was so sick of having to check his blood glucose, so sick of needles, the infusions sets, and the carb counting, he was sick of being so different.”

There is a vessel of emptiness waiting to be filled by a presence so extraordinary that to contain it is not possible, yet to walk with it most probable furthermore destined.

Up head the distance revealed an alluring shadow likened to a darkness of smoke rather than of a shadow when examined closer. I indulged the illusion by complete acknowledgement only to be aware it wasn’t an illusion but you. Forces of nature gathered the four corners blowing the winds that crashed gracefully upon the shores as the sun burned brightly reflecting diamonds glistening in the sand retracting in your eyes.

Hands of precision tickling the tips of your split apart fingers reaching …Eyes that meet with twinkles and the awkward yet unfolding uniqueness of possible new love. Butterflies blossoming in my abdomen feeling like taking flight could be possible, as the moment etched further into their minds burning singeing in their hearts memories that live forever and he kissed her. Her first kiss.

She gurgled a scream that could be heard for a mile. The madness of her reality split. Vengeance seeped into her veins. She will never be the same.

Fragments of each other all scattered over our flesh our mind. Nanoparticles mixed by the human touches and shared thoughts, that’s what we are fragments, and I love each fragments each frame and all especially the stills. Captivating.

The psychiatric said to him, You have bipolar disorder. He looked baffled, no mental illness ran in his family. In a daze he stared back at the doctor… Thinking I won’t live like this. What will everyone say, the stigma, it’s already too much I can barely function.

“Couldn’t have been that profound if it didn’t stick.”

I often dream of far away places and far away faces obscure and unfriendly, and I can’t seem to wake up.

Swear we were packed like a can of sardines in that car, but it didn’t matter we were happy just to be there

I watched as the sky blossemed into a live picture show above the horizon slowly revealing itself inch by inch rising as it painted the canvas of the sky, the illumination grew stronger it was a sunrise to remember.

They yelled “sinner! Murderess! You’re killing your unborn child. Specters claiming to be Christians judging her as she walked closer to the clinic doors. The door seemed a mile away, she couldn’t help but shrink away inside and pray….God help me.They judged her. But yet call themselves Christians. If that’s Christianity I want no part of it.They judged her. But yet call themselves Christians. If that’s Christianity I want no part of it. Then climbed upon the examination table.

I got in!!! I got in!!! As he ran into his clique of friends. Waving his acceptance letter to the university that would pave his way to his unknown future.

Her legs dangled from the edge of the bed. Feeling all hope gone. Wondering if heaven and hell exist will God let her in… She swallowed the pills three by three and uttered  “Father, Son, Holy Spirit” looking down the bottle empty, as empty as she felt. The loss was too much. slowly consciousness slipped away.

I threw your little body up up into the air as you softly landed into my arms and I pulled you close. Your smell, your small hands your eyes big in wonderment looking at me… I was enveloped by your love my angel from God.

I narrowed in and lowered my knees just enough to give me the angle and sprint needed for an effortless beautiful dive.I swam to the edge of the pool looked up and it was you, we both smiled.

He was the object of her desire. He loved knowing this. Tormented her at times. Like Dangling carrots. Winds of change blew in and her heart finally desired someone who desired her back. He was left in the wake of her tides as she drifted away at sea farther from him and closer to the one to be her true lover. Regret festered in his desire at that moment.

At the speed of snail I passed your house. The wind blew harshly by. I stared hoping to catch a glimpse of you. I would have settled for the family dogs appearance. But you’re gone… And I wait like a fool believing you will return.

 

“Does our absolute rise beyond infinity or does it die when we do?”

 

“Sometimes I’m so tired of all of it I just feel like settling.”

 

Laying down eyes closed listening to the crackles of leaves beneath your feet and the trickle of the distant stream near by, my mind wanders, I can only imagine what we would do behind closed doors.

 

You’ll drive I’ll shoot. We’ll be a modern day Bonnie and Clyde. Naw Micky and Malory instead, what’s your thoughts?

The car door slightly open as one foot dangles in and the other out. Turning the key  in the ignition I stop and grin thinking about you and I’m positive you’re grinning too thinking bout me, aren’t we just the two?Me and you.

 

She eagerly waited like a kid waiting to open a gift for his call. Listlessly she hung her body on the end of the bed, half on half hanging off. A despair that was crawling in her. Then it rang. Her heart jumped and she sprung for the phone,  “Hey how you doing “His voice came across the line….. what he doesn’t know is she wasn’t doing nothing but hurting thinking he may not call. If he knew how she intense she felt he would call early on purpose….. But stubborn she’ll keep grim self deprecating sides to herself.

 

Mosaic of memories and pieces of a life kept in frames upon the shelf  but not kept in order randomly arranged.

 

Can I be a part of your Life time? and all the ones in between……..

Finally She ran into him. After years there he was on the same grocery isle as me only feet away. Years she thought in the same town, same small town. There eyes met but she quickly looked away. It was too much as tears puddled in corners of her eyes she felt a hand on her shoulder, he finally found the courage to tell her, speak to her… Was it too late? The pain to much? Her heart said “not this time. Your moment of extraordinary has arrived.” Let him in.” So she looked at him then to the ground as tears flowed. He lifted her chin to look at him. That was all it took. Forever began.

Not for Reproduction~NJM~

 

~My Son~

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My Son life is gift and You are a gift to life~
My Son take care of yourself love yourself respect yourself and others will respect you~
My Son you will grow up and become a man never lose your inner child~
My Son you will win some and lose some don’t let the loss make you bitter but instead let it make you stronger~
My Son there is a God, we come from something bigger than us, give thanks and know God and angels watch over you~
My Son there will come a day that someone will let you down don’t lose your faith~
My Son there will be those who will lie about you, always do your best to tell the truth~
My Son you will fall in love one day remember love takes time to grow don’t jump in head first learn to understand each other to grow together~
My Son people say there is one great love in everyone’s life but remember that true love is immeasurable and to love alone is great~
My Son you will have many acquaintances and meet many people however you likely will have one true friend care for that friend and be there for them as I pray they will be there for you~
My Son you will meet many who are in need throughout your life do your best to be charitable learn to give~
My Son you will see many things in life that are unfair but do your best to not judge and know life eventually evens the score~
My Son you will come across others who are miserable and rude learn to be kind don’t take it personal be and example~
My Son don’t let other’s influence your thoughts learn to think for yourself~
My Son there will come a day where you will be afraid be brave and overcome~
My Son there will be those who will tell you are not good enough, know your value never sell yourself short~
My Son you will face the impossible in life don’t let it stop you , every dream can become a reality strive and press on and always do your best make your dreams come true I have faith in you~
My Son be different don’t conform stand out from the rest, stand tall, stand proud~
My Son there will be times in life to be humble, learn from this, understand this, grow from this~
My Son you can not save the world but you can make your area of the world a better place, care for mother earth the beautiful animals and those who have less than you, respect what you have been given take care of what is given you and greater things will come your way~
My Son not everyone is afforded the opportunity to understand and be educated learn to have patience learn to teach~
My Son you will grow older and people will die, we all die, still live life to the fullest~
My Son when I die and you need me after I’m gone know that a part of me is always there in your heart and in your mind that energy never dies it only changes form and I will see you again one day~
My Son you’re the greatest gift in my life I’m sorry for the times I’ve fallen short know I did the best I knew how that I love you always you are my heart, you are my reason, You are my Son~
Not for Reproduction~NJM~

Bipolar~The Maze~

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Below is a question posed by a user via Quora.com The Question is “How to explain Bipolar Disorder to someone else?” I did paraphrase by the way, Hope my answer helps,

First What is your angle? Why do you feel the need?

Are you an advocate for the understanding and compassion for those who suffer mental illness?

 

 

I ask because you may not want to explain it at all.
What is the purpose? Everyone in one way or another has some form of mental health issue in my opinion.
You feel you need to be understood? We all want to be understood.
Here is how you can explain perhaps how you may feel……. I say this because I feel this way and it’s a great analogy.

Continue reading →

What is the Minimum You Want From Yourself?

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To percieve the beauty inside and around me.

To want to grow old, and stop wanting to die young, I romance death often. It’s a control thing. I’m to young to be old, and to old to be young, hinged between these two areas cause extreme conflict within an eternal teen.

To realize it’s ok. I’m ok. As screwed up as my life was, is, and could be, it’s ok. This ties into the death wish thingy.

To attain the true love outside of myself through another person, a kindred, soul mate, partner in crime, someone to kill time with.

Keep God in the center, and let God walk with me around the corners and edges~

~What Experience Most Shaped Who You Are~

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http://www.quora.com/What-experience-most-shaped-who-you-are/answers/5836880

I blog on Quora, it’s a question and answer site full of life experiences and useful information. Above is the link to the question and my answer along with others answers. So A2A stands for “asked to answer”.

I had a few A2A’s one about being a top writer and how they handle notifications, I was like “I’m not a top writer and most likely never will be” my answers are by far the least popular and I’m cool with that. I have no fluff or pizazz to dazzle you with. I’m the pesky little truth that you sit beside but would rather ignore. Very doubtful I’ll make you laugh perhaps make you think. I may make you laugh on occasion. When you do laugh you’ll bust a gut doing so. I’m one of those shooting stars that you gaze upon but for a moment in laughter.

There is no easy answer to this question, nor a specific event that completely shaped the person that I am, the person that is writing this answer. So I am going to briefly list events, then let you, the reader decide. Before you read any further keep in mind that almost every thing good has eventually dissolved or washed away in my life the key word being almost. The only really good whole, single most beautiful thing that has shaped who I am is my son, and daily I strive to not F#&@K it up for him at least not like it was for me.

I believe we can all agree and relate to our birth being a huge event for everyone. Think about it. Contemplate that for a moment. Consider all the miscarriages and abortions that occur daily and give thanks to this event in your life. Remind yourself today that you and your very existence is a grand achievement and shapes the basis of your humble beginnings from a new born babe to the very person you are, the person reading this.

1.My birth is first. Funny thing is, when my Mom would scream at me or hit me I would always say “I didn’t ask to be born” yet here I am.

Think now if you will about the family you were born into. This also will greatly affect you, will shape you and the outcomes and struggles we all eventually face.

2. So my family is in this slot. They were poor, mentally ill, not well educated and abused as children. So basically not a great template to say the least. So go ahead now think of what you were born into, well go on. It has shaped you into what you are. It’s an event to say the least.

3. My cousin sexually abusing me is my number three. Perhaps one day he will read this or my book and feel the shame and the space that was left in me from his actions thank you Nicholas John Distefano. You were considerably older than me, and you damn well knew better. I kept it a secret all my life it took 37 years after the events to acknowledge how you and your actions shaped me in regard to sex and love. I loved you, you used my love of you to do what you did. I then thought that in order to recieve love that sex in some way was tied to the emotion of love. It is not. Sex is an expression of love shared between two consenting adults.

4. Marrying at age 14. Need I say more? I realize marrying young was a common practice in certain cultures and in certain times frames. I’m sure we can all agree that you should wait, wait as long as you need. I suggest wait till you are at least 30.

5. My first true love Dirk. I have this thing with guys and their names starting with the letter D. Go figure. I cherish the time we had. I’m saddened that I hurt you, and that you are no longer around for me to tell you this. You live in my heart, and you shaped me in ways you’ll never know. RIP Dirk.

6. Being at a place at the wrong time. 1989 Boutte Louisiana. I wasn’t dealing the drugs, but I hung with the drug dealers, I received my drugs free in doing so.There was a huge shoot out between cops and a moving car. A friend was shot dead in front of me. I was Charged and prosecuted for distribution of MDMA. Served 1 year behind bars at age 19. This event came to shape my life and my belief of God and spirituality I have today. I found something in that cell. Something that whispered in my ear when I saved up my pills to take my life. Something beyond me stopped me. It’s what I call God. Thank God for being there in the cell with me. For helping me find the beauty in most all things including but not limited to suffering.

7. Marrying my second husband. His name starts with a D. We were 21 years old. He has also helped me raise my son. He is who my son calls Dad. Basically we grew up together, then grew apart. Through the 22 years we have been in and out each other’s life, We have torn each other down, built each other up, then down again. It is what it is. This time around we finally have peace.. With an civil split. I say civil because we have always gone to war when separating. This time I believe we understand that we do not work together any longer. Remaining friends is the best we can try for at this point in time. He may read this and not like what or how I stated this. I don’t care. I’m coming clean in life, no shame or regret to bare. I’m doing so to be better for me and for my son.

8. Meeting my sons biological father and falling madly in love. That lasted a few years. His name also starts with a D. Two things worked against us ~Time due to a 10 year age difference~ Racism. Trust me not the traditional racism either, perhaps some would call it reverse racism.

9. My Dad’s death. He died on my birthday. My birthday is New Years Day. What a way to bring in the New Year right and your birthday right? I never examined, nor came to understand love not like that, not when it’s gone from your life after having it for 33 years. He loved me unconditionally. I realize now where he learned this. He learned this from his life, which was full of conditions and requirements. Suppose when you live it, you learn it philosophy wins again. He lived with the rejection and labels. He took that and channeled it positively and as best he could into me. Now I’m doing so with my son.

10. My sons birth. Need I say more? Anyone who has a child and is reading this knows how much this event will shape your life ahead. All your plans, hopes, dreams now center around the beauty and innocence of your child or children. From the day you hold them onward you vow to try and make it different for them if you had a crappy life. If you had a good life then you have a great start and example to continue, believe that ties into number 2. Yes I do believe it does.

11. My son in intensive care for a week. He was 18 months old, and his pancreas failed to produce insulin. He was diagnosed a type 1 diabetic. Till this day you really never know how free you truly are until you live with an illness such as type 1 diabetes. All events, food, your entire life is dictated around insulin. Juvenile diabetes is the most overlooked childhood illness with no cure yet. I often would pray that by the time he was 10 we would have a cure. He is 10 and we are still waiting.

12. My Moms death. I was never particularly close to her when I was younger. She was severely abusive both verbally and physically. That part would shape anyone. Abuse is a bad horrible thing to endure. It also breeds more abuse. Why? Because you know nothing beyond it. It crowds and overshadows the beauty of life. We made our peace in my older years, we still often had disagreements and on this particular time she sent me a card on the day she died. I had hung up on her or maybe she hung up on me… It’s hard to say but she died two weeks later. This event still makes my heart hurt. Imagine someone close to you dying, and on that day they mailed a card to you stating their concern for your life, and that they loved you and hoped all is well and was sorry. Then imagine going to your mail box to receive this card three days after their death. Pretty profound huh? Yeah it shaped me in many ways. Try to let go of anger quickly if you can. Truly you don’t have no guarantee of anything. Each minute is given to you by a force greater than yourself. Like it or not, random as it may be, it is what it is. Try to make peace if you can. It goes along way.

13. My illness. Bipolar. It’s the most destructive and sometimes beautiful thing to behold. It answers many questions about your life and how you lived up until the point if you have been diagnosed with a mental illness. If you follow me, read my answers you are most likely very familiar with my illness and my transgressions that stem from bipolar disorder. I’ve spent a month in jail in 2010, then I spent 4 months again in 2012. Details of these events are posted both on my blog site as well as well as on my blog here. Want to know more? Buy my book, or you could private message me and l will do my best to answer or expound upon details surrounding each event.

So if you believe one single event has shaped or changed you significantly, stop and remember all the other events before that one event, or the ones after that one. You are in your process right now as you read this answer. You are being shaped in this moment regardless of what you feel or think. Significance can be found in many many things, including but not limited to one event.

But the greatest thing that I’ve come across that has affected me and shaped my life beyond my son is peace. I found it, or maybe it found me. It’s an elusive tricky fella because even when you find it, you must care for it, acknowledge it, even guard it, yes that’s right guard it. Why? Because others will try to steal yours. Either way it’s necessary to live a full life. And I’ve lived a very full life. Wouldn’t you agree? But the beautiful part is I’m only half way there.

So my simple answer is my experience with peace. Peace has shaped me, healed me when I allow it to overshadow the hellish, crazy, exciting, tumultuous, euphoric thing that is my life. Peace.

Besides you can make this stuff up, it writes you. It’s called life.

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