In my experience It would seem everyone that I’ve come across has some type of secret, someone tells another something in confidence and therefore it becomes a pact or deal of some type between the two and they call that a secret or at least my own personal definition, however we also have our own secrets the ones we never tell anyone about…..the ones we keep hidden dark and deep and inside of us. There is a purpose why some of us keep secrets to ourselves but why….. why do we keep some things hidden from everyone?
The art of sorry in 4 easy steps…….
For the majority of us being sorry is something we often feel when we do something wrong. We often forget is that when we truly are sorry and we apologize to the other person with whom we done wrong too we open ourselves up for hurt.
Feeling regret or remorse or sorry is an emotion that humans feel after doing something against their lack of better judgment or against their values or morals…..basically in any circumstances that they should’ve acted differently in.
Previously I stated you open yourself up for hurt when you truly are sorry, you then proceed to tell the person with whom you have wronged that hey “I’m sorry truly sorry”
What happens when you are sorry 1. You say it and 2. Mean it and 3. Leave yourself open to the persons response there are no “but’s” or “Could’s” or “Should’s” or Would’s” 4. There is but one single statement” I am sorry” that is all that should come out of your mouth. Next you should prepare yourself to receive whatever the other person Has to say in response to your contriteness silently listening without excuses.
Lately it appears or so it seems that the majority of relationships that I engage in are all one sided. This makes for a lonely existence. Unfortunately however alone it may feel I am learning that it is necessary to limit those around you who continuously make excuses or are master manipulators at trying to always turn everything into their “reasons for” never truly being sorry , only wanting to explain why they did what they did… see that is not sorry, Or at least where I come from that’s not what I was taught.
So to recap…..don’t ever say that you were sorry unless it is the only three words that you were going to say to the person you wronged,there is no excuse for whatever you’re sorry for that’s why it’s called being sorry….So there it is 4 simple steps to the Art of truly being sorry.
I have thought over and over about the events that provoked my most recent manic episode.
It began on July 28 of 2018. Let me begin by saying that often extreme Manic episodes take time to build up to a Crescendo so to speak, to hit its high….. to hit the apex of insanity. Stress always is the catalyst, I hadn’t seen my son in months although I share custody. I was being parentally alienated, I was in a stressful relationship and I had to many people around me with drama,like mental vampires that suck all your peace and solitude away from your mind.
As I write this I realize that this may be too much to write too soon after these events occurred, events that should never occurred yet unfortunately did.
But I want to be brave and I don’t want what happened to me to happen to others, that is why I write this blog is to educate and share my personal experiences in hope that someone else can learn and understand bipolar disorder and posttraumatic stress disorder better. Read the links below this Is where 2 inmates died in less than a year in this jail because they don’t care and do what they want when they want. Why? They don’t listen nor care , See that’s another thing they won’t give you your meds either. I take benzodiazepines, you are not to stop abruptly or you could go into seizure and die. I know this happened to me once while baker acted I almost died because they wouldn’t give me my usual dose of benzodiazepine. Here is the article this only shows part of the negligence at Lake County jail
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.wftv.com/amp/news/9-investigates/lake-county-sheriffs-office-investigates-armor-correctional-following-inmates-death/760398047 and here is another story https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.orlandosentinel.com/news/lake/os-ne-lake-county-jail-inmate-suicide-20190122-story,amp.html
I lost a lot this last episode I even lost myself for a while. I should’ve been baker acted but instead I was taken to jail for 101 days of hell.
I was also tasered in the heart while seated in my vehicle by an officer who knows and is well aware of my condition…..my disability which is bipolar disorder and posttraumatic stress disorder and yet he treated me and my disability without regard. This cop has baker acted me before. The police report is full of lies all my stuff was stolen there were about 20 responders…. too many …. shit got all fucked up, and a lot of my expensive things are gone….. stolen. I even lost my car.
I can’t go into detail right now after a lot of thought, I also have attorneys they probably wouldn’t want me talk about my experience while they are investigating case numbers of complaints I was brave enough to report to a nurse who helped me.
I held onto that piece of paper with a single case number and the name of the officer who put me into a room alone with him present while I was directed to write all of the things that happened to me.
I remembering asking him after hours of writing “is that all I get is a piece of paper with just a case number no dates no nothing but a number and your name?” Seriously?” Yep.
I was called the quiet one in jail. I didn’t talk much and I never cried. Couldn’t I shut down. I had no emotion left. Most likely all the trauma. Upon release on November 5th still no emotions. Honestly I only started crying after I watched all of the show “Breaking Bad” I completely could relate to Jesse’s character at the end, he drives away, and Walter white (aka Eisenberg) is on the lab floor dying as the cops are coming. That was the last episode…..I could feel for the first time watching it as it ended Jesse did the most amazing job of hitting that steering wheel so hard crying and screaming from all he endured, I felt it in…..that moment and it all bled through and finally after 5 and half months I cried…… so hard.
One day maybe I’ll tell more. Till then you can fill in blanks or not.
Perhaps I should have called this Breaking Bad…. 101 days of hell..or
“Finally I Cried, I’m beginning to feel again. . Now maybe I can learn to write again I’m learning to live again slowly. Thanks for reading. Breaking Bad definitely…….
I haven’t written in awhile and soon I will be writing about why. It is called 101 days of Hell~ and in more contemplative thoughts I’m working on how one can achieve happiness alone….. Yes I said happy and alone in one sentence and it feels good~
Preemptive I suppose
I leave first
You silver tongue devil
You had me almost
But all of my life I stood by
With hope learning to cope
Preemptive I am
Strike you down
Out of my sight
Purged from my mind
You can come to look
You will not find
Preemptive in love
Just as in war
I am a missile
I reach out so far
I’ll tear down your defenses
I close in on you all around
Slash your heart first
Never again it’s now
Laid upon me long ago
A trust can be broken only so many times
Am I confused unable to see
I breed in you and you breed in me
And we also bleed too!
Is a pool of my blood around your feet
My blood, my scars
No one can never cross far over my lines
Drawn in a particular way
So when I am done
I have the say
I can’t even make it a month
Thinking of what could be us
I see to much fault
You are not what I thought
Characteristics you portray
Soon fade away
So I jump out
Leaving you quickly
I can’t conceive
Why you can’t perceive
That I am no longer shackled
By love or sex
Well I’d like to think
Mortal coil craves
I have my days
You wonder how you let go the best
It’s not you
It’s not a test
So go on your way
Give it a rest
Wait what did I just say?
Preemptive dear Darlin dear
Now feel the fate as it draws near~
Ideological fanaticism The mirror holds the image so tight~
Unable to move out of ones sight~
Hourglass turns and sands starts to drain no longer can time contain~
Reflections cracked and connection lost~
Guess no one decided to count the cost~
Detached and subdued, Drained, by the need~
All that they long for festers in greed~
How your heart full of art, Beautifully broken will bleed~
While I write these words, You read~in your mind It is I that plants the seeds~
Defining sounds consume all space~The shadows grow larger in this place~Yet disappearing without a trace ~
Grips that shackle the freedom once given~the strength of youth lost to time~Now live on your life walk the fine line~
We swallow their lies~Yet long for truth~
But all is lost, Especially our youth~
By the time you think you arrived~Your life event you barely survived~Often you wish that you just died~
All gone to another not each other~Surely push away forget together~
One day you look back and all that you see were words written …….Scribbles that rhyme but that’s ok fool yourself all is just fine~
Fine you say dear oh Darlin ~Lend me your ear~
When I speak these words, I invoke fear~
So run to your shadows~Hide away fast~
No matter what, I always last~
Rise as I watch you wither away, Longing to late now~How you wish I would stay~
Live now with your choice~Till your dying day~
Regret , remorse spinning the web~
Tears flow down your face onto your pillow then onto your bed~
When your alone you think of me~How we could have been, Let’s others see~
Yet you let me go again, You set me free~
Still you will come again and again~Just wait you’ll see~