~Preemptive~revised~

Preemptive I suppose

I leave first

You silver tongue devil

You had me almost

But all of my life I stood by

With hope learning to cope

No more

Preemptive I am

Strike you down

Out of my sight

Purged from my mind

You can come to look

You will not find

Preemptive in love

Just as in war

I am a missile

I reach out so far

I’ll tear down your defenses

I close in on you all around

Slash your heart first

Never again it’s now

A curse

Laid upon me long ago

A trust can be broken only so many times

Am I confused unable to see

I breed in you and you breed in me

And we also bleed too!

Your deceit

Is a pool of my blood around your feet

My blood, my scars

No one can never cross far over my lines

Drawn in a particular way

So when I am done

I have the say

Preemptive

I can’t even make it a month

Thinking of what could be us

I see to much fault

You are not what I thought

Characteristics you portray

Soon fade away

So I jump out

Leaving you quickly

I can’t conceive

Why you can’t perceive

That I am no longer shackled

By love or sex

Well I’d like to think

Mortal coil craves

I’m human

I have my days

I’m preemptive

You wonder how you let go the best

It’s not you

It’s not a test

So go on your way

Give it a rest

Wait what did I just say?

Preemptive dear Darlin dear

Now feel the fate as it draws near~

~Regret~

Ideological fanaticismĀ The mirror holds the image so tight~

Unable to move out of ones sight~
Hourglass turns and sands starts to drain no longer can time contain~

Life sustain?
Reflections cracked and connection lost~

Guess no one decided to count the cost~
Detached and subdued, Drained, by the need~

All that they long for festers in greed~
How your heart full of art, Beautifully broken will bleed~

While I write these words, You read~in your mind It is I that plants the seeds~
Defining sounds consume all space~The shadows grow larger in this place~Yet disappearing without a trace ~
Grips that shackle the freedom once given~the strength of youth lost to time~Now live on your life walk the fine line~
We swallow their lies~Yet long for truth~
But all is lost, Especially our youth~
By the time you think you arrived~Your life event you barely survived~Often you wish that you just died~
All gone to another not each other~Surely push away forget together~
One day you look back and all that you see were words written …….Scribbles that rhyme but that’s ok fool yourself all is just fine~
Fine you say dear oh Darlin ~Lend me your ear~
When I speak these words, I invoke fear~
So run to your shadows~Hide away fast~
No matter what, I always last~
Rise as I watch you wither away, Longing to late now~How you wish I would stay~
Live now with your choice~Till your dying day~
Regret , remorse spinning the web~
Tears flow down your face onto your pillow then onto your bed~
When your alone you think of me~How we could have been, Let’s others see~
Yet you let me go again, You set me free~
Still you will come again and again~Just wait you’ll see~

Updated~Two Week Notice~yeah already~—

Dear God up above I can still feel your love…. but I’m sorry to say I must leave go away~ you called me a light worker, I can only do so much never ever figured out what is the human touch.

You blessed me with human a beautiful baby boy. I’m entrusting you to him, he is a child and yet my sin~when I try to write my book I don’t even know where to begin my life was fast like a whirlwind…and pieces scattered about and within

It’s all like a puzzle that was left in a closet hidden away, no one notice nor knew what to say

Laying by the devils side it isn’t hard to decide, he is the God of this world I now see, and I figured out the exit for me…. for any who look and choose to see, my mission complete~

So just give two weeks notice and keep the memories they serve no purpose when I’m gone. My words will live on and on. I planted seeds along the way, somehow though was led astray. So here I am Lord here I lay so I request an early judgement day.

I would do the same for my son, I would love him no matter what he may have done.

I ask in return you bless his life free of worry grief strife…. to live to laugh to love to know I can still see him from far above.

I laid by the devils side for over half my life it caused me to much pain to much strife and as a human being I’m sick of this life… I quit. Well I’m giving my two week notice as any good employee of a universal truth I must say I did enjoy my youth….. sometimes…. it reminded me I wasn’t meant for here, I was wild free and truly fierce scared of NOTHING!!!! Not even death. I couldn’t wait to take a last breath… but I endured and at times I laughed

But often rejected due to class, stereotypes, and bullshit in general full circle around but this time my Lord I leave this playground~ two weeks notice not to long to go and when I get where I’m Going please don’t say “I told you so” see ya soon!

Probably by noon

~Fat Tuesday~

Fat Tuesday is here

my Darlin Dear

Preemptive plight

Planned party

Late night

Mardi GrasĀ is here

It’s that time of year

skies hued

yellow, purple, green aglow

The sounds clamoring

Fighting to outdo

each musical note

There we were dancing

Swaying to the beat of the

Floats the heat

Jazz music fills the streets

Down Canal street turning round to
cross over to Bourbon~

Take in each shot

Preemptively planned

Glass in hand

Other hand in yours

Flying high

beads round our neck making music

of their own

Debris in the streets

Faces smeared

Drunken flow

Dancing in flight

Cheap trinkets flying

Dashing, fighting, grinding

Preemptively planned party

Your eyes two lights flaming bright

watching your sexy arm

Light your Marlboro

Smiles and giggles

Two jokes only we are in on

Blowing your smoke out

Between your sexy lips

I get close and kiss your lips

Playfully biting the lower one

Endless fun

Pass that joint don’t bogard

It’s high time for all

It’s this night we aim to please

Preemptively planned plight

Gonna party all damn night

Then some more

On each street corner

Stands a whore

Sodom and Gomorrah

What a life Darlin what sight

Pulling you closer

Let this night never be over never be done~

The entire world is watching

All the court jesters

All the clowns

All the kings and queens on floats wearing their crown~

Hey that’s a decent poison

Crown Royal over rocks

Splash of water barkeep please

Don’t be stingy now pour long don’t tease~

Walking don’t dare run

And then it fades

Leaving, lingering

Till next year we preemptively plan again for this night~

Fat Tuesday Darlin Dear

I hear you whisper in my ear

As we float high above the rest

Preemptive plight party all night

Fat Tuesday

Madri Gras

We will do it again and again

Mardi Gras never ends~

Not for reproduction

~NJM

~Chapter 4~ Rejection~ An Excerpt of Upcoming Thriller~ truly a engaging read!

I’m working on a thriller as most who follow me should know. I throw out pieces of chapter so you are engaged and will want to buy my book. It is based strongly on my life’s events I did not change names expect 1. Everyone else is not innocent. Also time frames may be changed. Enjoy~~

Chapter 4 Rejection~
She was completely encased in thoughts …..of her life leading up to this moment, thoughts such as the one she was reliving in her head when her cousin took away the innocence of life. Her life. Mind drifting to him; having her lay naked before him, spreading her legs… examining every inch and crevices he desired, tracing her young yet well developed curves exploring her, she desired him more….so she stayed still and let him have his way. He also undressed, the shock of seeing what differences their body’s anatomies were both scared and even aroused her ….more than just curiosity.

He moved slowly over her, his male hood yielded a large stiff appendage as he pressed against her between her legs but never fully penetrating her… maybe that was his rationalization, that it was ok. Not completely penetrating her. Yet getting her to touch him and stroke him…..exposing her to the porn he craved, setting her body in the positions of the center folds. It was all perverted and screwed up.
That’s where her sexual problems most likely stemmed from.
The need to please those who desire her. How ironic even more, that men she knew desired her as much as she desired the men who would never return what she would desire in the other men…. never returning a complete circle.

Will it be a perpetual cycle, a curse her cousin passed to her for what he did, what she allowed….. did she allow? Her age was 7 so she then she reasoned that it was completely not her allowing it to happen, although it definitely did, her need of his love and acceptance was the important thing for her at the tender age of 7.

Suddenly the phone rang jogging her thoughts back to the present moment.

“Honey have you had any luck in locating your brothers?” The levies broke and water is flooding by the minute in New Orleans” “Yes I did, I found all of them and spoke at length to one of your ex husbands.” He informed me where I Could find them, I called each and spoke to Dennis for awhile.

She felt close to Dennis. Although they never met. Perhaps it was because he was oldest She was youngest?

Or perhaps her Jungian philosophy ….that there are signs you just need to look at, archetypes, All that crap she learned earning her bachelors degree in Psychology.

Looking back the archetype would appear to be the letter D.

Her first love was her Daddy. Her first romantic love was Dirk(he is dead now) then she married Dewitt who was nothing like he presented himself to be, which caused the ultimate demise and divorce of them. Then Donnell her sons biological fuck up. That’s just a majority of the D’s she was sure she could think up more. All those D’s. Thinking to herself no more D’s please.

Then again like a strike of lightening thoughts flooded her mind. Why didn’t her older brothers ever search for her?they knew how abusive their Mother was, she tried to reach out to her only sister Jackie. With some success it went well for several years. They never visited but did talk over phone a lot. Especially when Jackie found out about her husband Mark’s infidelity. She would call everyday crying.

Mark eventually filed for divorce making the call a constant barrage, unending emotions her sister needed to get out. Noel then thought again, I’ve been there for all of my friends,her sister…. who is gonna be there for her if she falls?

If only she could see the future, her plans would have turned on another road she would be able to possibly stop the demise of what would be the most horrendous events that unfolded when she would turn 38.

When Katrina misplaced her to Leesburg Florida, where she would move across the street from an over privileged teen who’s Dad was a closet gay and also happened to be an Episcopalian pastor. That boy, now a man would crush what beauty she had….. she would never have left her home in Mississippi. She would have stayed there if only she could’ve looked into the future, oh how different events would have unfolded. No online affair with Ayman Chaer no nude snap shots tagged to 500 people, no abusive relationship with Dewitt. No treacherous teen William Lambert across the street whos’ dad Jay Lambert was a closet gay, no Florida at all…..!!
Looking back Pastor Lambert was always offering William to help me,he did so in hopes of William and I engaging in sex with hopes William wouldn’t be gay as he was. Pastor Lambert’s life was hard, living as a heterosexual with a beard/wife having children. All the things society expected when Pastor Lambert was growing up. In hinds sight he wanted William to be saved from that life that was a lie, a facade. A life in a closet. But it is 2008 so get real already! If your son wants to be gay, then embrace him and his desires, don’t changed him to live vicariously through him.
But it was to late to go back now………the story has unfolded and here she is, debris, shit, betrayal, Lies, abuse, remorse, shame, but what mostly ate at her was those who abandoned her, rejected her in the time she needed them most. It started in childhood all the way to those events…it was and is the rejection.

Lyrics with Link to one of my Favorite Poetic sons and video by Rod Stewart~Broken Arrow~

Who else is gonna bring you a broken arrowWho else is gonna bring you a bottle of rain

There he goes moving across the water

There he goes turning my whole world around
Do you feel what I feel

Can we make it so that’s part of the deal

I gotta hold you in these arms of steel

Lay your heart on the line this time
I want to breathe when you breathe

When you whisper like that hot summer breeze

Count the beads of sweat that cover me

Didn’t you show me a sign this time
Who else is gonna bring you a broken arrow

Who else is gonna bring you a bottle of rain

There he goes moving across the water

There he goes turning my whole world around, around
Do you feel what I feel

Do you feel what I feel

Ah can you see what I see

Can you cut behind the mystery

I will meet you by the witness tree

Leave the whole world behind
I want to come when you call

I’ll get to you if I have to crawl

They can’t hold me with these iron walls

We got mountains to climb, to climb
Who else is gonna bring you a broken arrow

Who else is gonna bring you a bottle of rain

There he goes moving across the water

There he goes turning my whole world around

Turning my whole world around

Turning my whole world around

Turning my whole world around

Broken Arrow

~A King’s Desire~

A swiftness to your speech

Proclivity to your touch

Behind my ear a whisper clear

I feel your need as you draw near

Hot breath behind my neck

The persistence in your grasp

You unarm me by slow movement; poignant sly

Cunning sensuous

Am I meant for this?

To be for you

In waking life in dream too

I bow beneath your weight

As you vigorously guide the lead

I am feeling as though I’m your prized steed

Riding through this lust slow yet posthaste

I forgot just how you love this place between the peaks and valleys down below

You know I am the only one to fully fill your need

Allowing you to take me there upon my soul you feed

I give you freely what you covet most

Think me more than a sexual host

An equal is what I am you see, I’m vivacious tenacious and quick on my move I’ll spin you around crawl your walls

Take you down

As kings and queens both wear a crown