~NJM’s~ Personal Quotes~

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A life lived for another is no life at all. Be yourself~who are you living for?

~No Reprieve~

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There is no reprieve
No procrastination

No forgiveness

Not here
You pay

Everyday

No reprieve

No holding back

No return
There is no reprieve

No understanding

Ignorance

Lack of tolerance

Pain is the fuel

In devils delight

No reprieve

No sabitacal

No leave

What does one think

Drinking the poison

In the mind

So many like this

So many my kind

Keep in step

Forget the time

Remember…..
You pay

Every day

And beauty

And death

Have their way

Notes in Pockets~

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Drama
Fear is collected

Like tiny notes unread in your pockets

Are you afraid to pull each one out and read it?

Will it invoke fear

Causing and provoking Drama to appear?

Self prophetic are we, believe in your fear, it will soon be your reality, or be healthy be strong let there be no fear I don’t collect notes in my pockets un opened, the drama each phrase written appears and it causes you to fear.

My oh my

The drama, negativity and fear.

I live strong. I live as I was called to, although it’s not always sufficient it provides me shelter

You may see me as foolish more like adventurous

Not a dull moment indeed

I am my fathers daughter a hybrid fragmented breed

I don’t carry little notes in my pockets unopened unread

I sure don’t need Your fear near me or my life or even my head

And I sure don’t leave little tiny notes in my pockets unread

Leaving unanswered questions in your head

And all is in your head yet, you still carry tiny notes all tangled and tied up in thread in your pockets unread.

~Coming Soon~

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I haven’t written in awhile and soon I will be writing about why. It is called 101 days of Hell~ and in more contemplative thoughts I’m working on how one can achieve happiness alone….. Yes I said happy and alone in one sentence and it feels good~

~Preemptive~revised~

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Preemptive I suppose

I leave first

You silver tongue devil

You had me almost

But all of my life I stood by

With hope learning to cope

No more

Preemptive I am

Strike you down

Out of my sight

Purged from my mind

You can come to look

You will not find

Preemptive in love

Just as in war

I am a missile

I reach out so far

I’ll tear down your defenses

I close in on you all around

Slash your heart first

Never again it’s now

A curse

Laid upon me long ago

A trust can be broken only so many times

Am I confused unable to see

I breed in you and you breed in me

And we also bleed too!

Your deceit

Is a pool of my blood around your feet

My blood, my scars

No one can never cross far over my lines

Drawn in a particular way

So when I am done

I have the say

Preemptive

I can’t even make it a month

Thinking of what could be us

I see to much fault

You are not what I thought

Characteristics you portray

Soon fade away

So I jump out

Leaving you quickly

I can’t conceive

Why you can’t perceive

That I am no longer shackled

By love or sex

Well I’d like to think

Mortal coil craves

I’m human

I have my days

I’m preemptive

You wonder how you let go the best

It’s not you

It’s not a test

So go on your way

Give it a rest

Wait what did I just say?

Preemptive dear Darlin dear

Now feel the fate as it draws near~

Does someone who is bipolar know that they’re wrong when they are verbally abusive and threatening during a manic phase?

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Well, I’m speaking of my experience.
No and yes.

When manic, your sense of boundaries are skewed. The filter that most individuals use and have in place cease to exist.

In the manic phase, mania takes on many forms. Strong hostility, as well as a viscous tongue can arise if provoked even the slightest by someone who at one time or another failed me, these fails will indeed rise to the surface.

With that I’ve never been dishonest with my words but verbally abusive would fit. What I would say was often very true about what I felt about things they’ve done. But it was said very harshly, and with viscous intent. The message I conveyed was not false , but was said in such abrupt disregard that it would leave its scar.

Threatening. I only threatened when I was threatened. By that I mean because I’m bi polar, and may be within a confrontation , statements ” like you need to take your meds”or “no one will believe you cause you crazy ” will set me off, especially since those words are meant to make me feel less than, and with ignorance. Which at that point I will zone into all character flaws of the said individual I’m in conflict with and rip them to shreds, at which point I can leave them speechless.

In short I must be provoked in order to act in such ways. Granted I’m more sensitive when manic. So if the person is aware of my state. Then all could be avoided. It’s all in the care, in the handling.

Most of those whom I’ve done this too, had in most cases abandoned me when I may have needed them most. And when they needed me most I was there for them in their time of need.This is why I’ve burned a few bridges. But if they were unsupportive of me after my diagnosis then those bridges need not be crossed again.
These are my experiences , the only thing I felt bad for was how I said it. How I said it, and my intent behind it. But I was never sorry for speaking the truth.
Written 16 Dec, 2013. Asked to answer by Marcus Ford.

~ You Were~You Are~You Will~Son~

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You were written in my story before I was created

You were sent to bring the love that few often find

You came to teach me many things of which I am still learning

You have this quietness that takes secrecy to another level

You have laughter like no one else and it comes from deep within

Health issues have afflicted you yet you overcome

You have seen ugly that no one should see yet you chose to find the beauty

You create your own world that keeps you safe when safety seems far from reach

You stay silent and still when the moment calls for it

You have fear around you, but God did not give you the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind

You speak up and understand right from wrong and are not afraid to be the voice of reason when you feel brave enough, I understand and know you have been bullied I have been too

You are brave enough; you just don’t know it yet

You are torn in different directions, and I yearn to change this each waking day

You adapt quickly just as I did, life called us to be this way, you blend in when needed

You deserve better than you have received, not in regard to gifts but in regard to consistency and safety I intend to change that

You are confused because things don’t seem right at times yet it remains as it is

You possess the bloodline of a noble namesake and it is why I promised my Dad if I ever had a son, I would carry on his name in honor

You are honor; you are majestic beyond that which can be explained

You will come through this a tougher human a stronger man but with the measure of kindness that will be needed when it is called for

You are slow to speak, in fact you are a son of little words, but when you speak your words are beautiful and timely

You have relatives that share your blood yet they are cowards you are not like them you are not a coward

You are noble and above the superficial and this is what will save you in the end

You miss me, I miss you but this too shall pass

Until then I pray the only influence you have is of Devine origin, straight from God and Angels that encompass you, and as I instructed and did with you each day, I pray you remember each day to pray

You have great reward and favor blessed upon you

You are an angel and I am better because you came into my life

I will never let you go, I will allow God to help me yield, to lead my path

That path leads to you and each and every day I am one step closer

You are my son and I love you

~NJM~

~More of DAR last Will and Testament~5/17/2014 4 damn years…. wait it’s a 4! (Inside joke) 4 is lucky happy Godly ~~truly~

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More of his text to my son and me, from May, 17th 2014. For the record if you ….and you know who are..keep trying to use my mental disability against me. When my Lawyer and I are finished with you, the truth of your illness’s will be revealed, notice the plural on illness. Bulimia, Alcohol dependency,Lies, Thieving, anger issues…to name a few.

So it may appear things are in your favor for now, however, if God be for us/me then who can be against us/me.

Keeping it Real~Personal Quotes~NJM~

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Sometimes letting go is the only way to hang on~

Updated~Two Week Notice~yeah already~—

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Dear God up above I can still feel your love…. but I’m sorry to say I must leave go away~ you called me a light worker, I can only do so much never ever figured out what is the human touch.

You blessed me with human a beautiful baby boy. I’m entrusting you to him, he is a child and yet my sin~when I try to write my book I don’t even know where to begin my life was fast like a whirlwind…and pieces scattered about and within

It’s all like a puzzle that was left in a closet hidden away, no one notice nor knew what to say

Laying by the devils side it isn’t hard to decide, he is the God of this world I now see, and I figured out the exit for me…. for any who look and choose to see, my mission complete~

So just give two weeks notice and keep the memories they serve no purpose when I’m gone. My words will live on and on. I planted seeds along the way, somehow though was led astray. So here I am Lord here I lay so I request an early judgement day.

I would do the same for my son, I would love him no matter what he may have done.

I ask in return you bless his life free of worry grief strife…. to live to laugh to love to know I can still see him from far above.

I laid by the devils side for over half my life it caused me to much pain to much strife and as a human being I’m sick of this life… I quit. Well I’m giving my two week notice as any good employee of a universal truth I must say I did enjoy my youth….. sometimes…. it reminded me I wasn’t meant for here, I was wild free and truly fierce scared of NOTHING!!!! Not even death. I couldn’t wait to take a last breath… but I endured and at times I laughed

But often rejected due to class, stereotypes, and bullshit in general full circle around but this time my Lord I leave this playground~ two weeks notice not to long to go and when I get where I’m Going please don’t say “I told you so” see ya soon!

Probably by noon