~Kismets Dance~Lovers Eternal Dance Part 2~

Will not be denied
Ignored, nor exploited~

Represent with respect
Keep your intentions in check~

Takng caution as not walk the same path~ I expect this time love Will last~

Quiet the mind~
Hoping to find~
Someone kind~

Refuge is obscure but can be found
both up above as well as the ground~

Learning to be quiet is to not make a sound~
To hide away~
Never be found~

You unravel me, trying to coerce my heart, Beckoning me to play the part
Your style and finesse is likened unto art~

But you need to be informed that I can not be bought~Traded or bartered, I’m your plant that needs to be watered.~

I will not sell out, nor walk in fear
The fruition of what is us is now drawing near~

An eclipse of circumstance
Longing closure Kismets dance~

This dance is not quick, oh no it Will stick, Around dancing and swaying to our cosmic sound.. Orbiting, Resonating

More than chance to finally dance
Indeed it’s time to dance my love
To dance~

So no more hiding away come out of dark corners and with me stay~

I’m finding it hard to live each day
I’ve walked hell and high water wouldn’t you say?

Silently pray~
For you~
For us~
For them~

Indeed we must share
longing and separation
Causes despair~

Nonetheless together we’re an unbeatable pair~

Demi Gods among mortals
Desiring our skill~ only time Will tell Wouldn’t you say, or is it merely skill that Will flow with love never wanting to kill~
They long for a moment to Experience our thrill~

Always more than by chance to meet Yet again to fulfill Kismets Dance~

Let’s Dance
I’ll put on my red shoes as Bowie would say~
You put on your suit and tie
Then dance this dance until we both die…
Still never saying goodbye. Eternally~

Not for reproduction~

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Updated~Two Week Notice~yeah already~—

Dear God up above I can still feel your love…. but I’m sorry to say I must leave go away~ you called me a light worker, I can only do so much never ever figured out what is the human touch.

You blessed me with human a beautiful baby boy. I’m entrusting you to him, he is a child and yet my sin~when I try to write my book I don’t even know where to begin my life was fast like a whirlwind…and pieces scattered about and within

It’s all like a puzzle that was left in a closet hidden away, no one notice nor knew what to say

Laying by the devils side it isn’t hard to decide, he is the God of this world I now see, and I figured out the exit for me…. for any who look and choose to see, my mission complete~

So just give two weeks notice and keep the memories they serve no purpose when I’m gone. My words will live on and on. I planted seeds along the way, somehow though was led astray. So here I am Lord here I lay so I request an early judgement day.

I would do the same for my son, I would love him no matter what he may have done.

I ask in return you bless his life free of worry grief strife…. to live to laugh to love to know I can still see him from far above.

I laid by the devils side for over half my life it caused me to much pain to much strife and as a human being I’m sick of this life… I quit. Well I’m giving my two week notice as any good employee of a universal truth I must say I did enjoy my youth….. sometimes…. it reminded me I wasn’t meant for here, I was wild free and truly fierce scared of NOTHING!!!! Not even death. I couldn’t wait to take a last breath… but I endured and at times I laughed

But often rejected due to class, stereotypes, and bullshit in general full circle around but this time my Lord I leave this playground~ two weeks notice not to long to go and when I get where I’m Going please don’t say “I told you so” see ya soon!

Probably by noon

~Bipolar,The Unique Truth about the illness and my theories~

First I urge you the reader to watch a movie called “Touched by Fire” with Katie Holmes… the depiction of the two characters bring this post together. They are two bipolar individuals that’s all I will say. Watch it.

Bipolar the unique truth
Truth is there are many bipolar people with a unique gifts of art, it springs forth from our well to bring to life what we hope others will get, will understand.
I write poetry through my heart

My veins, my brain. Some other bipolar people paint, some sing, some Dance, some sculpt, and others like me, the countless thousands that write.
I consider myself a warrior fighting a cause trying to educate and break mental health stigma I also bring my demons out to display for all to see. That’s pretty ugly and unique. Hang it all out, air the bullshit I fester in at times, don’t we all?
Here is the thing, even warriors get weary and tired, and at times may even feel defeated.
I feel this as I write it, however by days end I’ll feel completely opposite I will feel empowered.
You may be a bipolar person, however every one of us is so unique so very unique.

I have been told all my

Life I have a switch, like a light switch that goes off if I’m done such as with let’s say …chemical addiction I am addicted for awhile to some drugs as an example. Cocaine, ecstasy, acid that kind of stuff I did at various times of my life, only to put it down. Still down over 15 years or more to this point and I pray it will always stick, it has thus far.
Now Mary Jane is like a best friend that I can hug goodbye, then check up on Mary Jane and alas, we have a long visit. Then I hug her again. Only to keep visiting.
Longest I ever told Mary Jane see you later I didn’t see her for 5 years….. that’s along time.
I’m similar with cigarettes but I have never been a real lifer for cigarettes.
I pick those up during stressful times. Like a switch I turn it back off till it illuminates again and the switch is turned on….. hey maybe it’s a glitch…

Today is the full moon. The moon affects bipolar people.
Say what you will, the cosmic energy changes the ebb and the flow of the ocean and pulls stronger because we are closer to our moon. If it affects a huge ocean then I view it as ……how much more can it affect us little humans. I mean come on it’s pulling an ocean sitting by us you think it don’t affect us, Ha. Ok.
Anyway these are my theories. Adopt them as your own if it rings true. Examine it if it doesn’t.
For some the full moon energizes their soul, others melancholia, others deep depression.
It is a shackle. I have theories about mental illness for a very long time. We live in a multidimensional world.
I often wondered if the mentally ill are tapping into the other dimensions the ones that others can’t hear, see, or feel.

I have others who have witnessed phenomena in me with regard to two things, first I seem to affect electrical currents in my area around me lights and such . Second the ability to tell you about something important that is gonna happen if you’re close to me.

This has been witnessed and many can tell you, yep she does.
This only started again, notice I said again, yes again after 3 years. See I was away around lies and deceit for the duration of my marriages, I listened and bought into the lies …. then I broke free after my divorce…for the last three years of my life, I stopped listening to lies, I’m in what I call a spiritual cleanse zone.
I can do things others can’t or maybe they can I haven’t met them yet, do you have phenomena too? just like I have , are you bipolar and have a phenomenon like myself which only adds to what I feel is extremely unique.
I had gifts when I was younger and not tainted by this world nor afflicted with atrocious disease of the mind. I prayed and meditated for hours in nature back then. My gifts at its apex. But years of hearing and buying into those lies affected my gifts. We all have some kinda strange gift if you tap into it.
Removing yourself from all lies or to recognize lies(spirit bares witness to others) the lies others speak you will and can know. But how do you know if they are lying?
For me It’s a silent “I know”.A feeling a sensation I pick up on.
Sometimes it’s just a quick whispers brief then gone.
This is me. This is how I am navigating my outer worldly experience. The queue’s I receive.
I don’t dabble in dark arts. My mother did. She was sought after on the bayous of Louisiana. People come from all over the bayou to see her. To hear what she had to say.
She then had a change of heart made me burn all my albums( so long ago lol albums) all my records.
I couldn’t wear pants anymore and I got to go to 6 th grade at a weird school from the church she joined. It was Like a mixture of Assembly of God or Pentecostal type of practice.
Yet I survived my crazy ass formidable young years as best I could, well that was until I revolted and got married at 14.
I was rebellious, against the grain. I think that was a charismatic draw when I was younger I had a few select friends.
Wherever we went, when we arrived the party started and most flocked to me it flowed… it was a powerful feeling.
So see yours may be different it’s why I have given you a quick narrative of my life.
So how are the meds going? Well? What was your cost? Mine was feelings, eyesight, weight, rapid weight gain. A few more add on’s.
My meds are Lamictal, Serquel, Clonopin. Not to mention pain meds for another condition.
Cool fact I’ve only had three cavities. My mom was big about brushing my damn teeth.
Hey! I have a bright smile. That is if I’m not in one of the many moods that flow through me every hour. Yes every hour.
See another difference. My Mind is in a variation or some would say rapid cycle.
Yours may be still, constant depressed, or you could be in a full blown manic episode.
In order to make any stride In Breaking stigma we must begin to be honest with ourselves.
We walk blindly sometimes through a day our thoughts jumbled.
But are we living our truth, bearing the scars and being open about your unique illness and the unique art it invokes in you.
Can we all feel empowered always, the answer is No. however we can strive, press onward.
For us our creativity and our illness make us so unique, so let your colors out and color outside the lines.
Don’t be afraid, we all have at one time or another. However, this is coming from someone who has had a rough ride getting to this place of complete honesty.
A place to tell my story without fear. Worry about nothing, care about most things, leave the rest behind. That’s my quote…
Thanks for stopping in and reading my post.
Have a beautiful day and watch out for our full moon tonight!

~ Undeniable~

Disappearing into your gravity can’t help it,

Spinning awkwardly

You raddled my mind 

shaking my existence to the core

Yet in the place I am, I desire more

More than the justice lacking

The people slacking

Cyber hacking

Only a bleak

Shell of someone

Something

Happening

Hanging by a thread

Still Attached to the needle

Somehow the thread won’t sever won’t let go

Yet the needle will not yield

There is no shield to protect me

Look around what do you see

I feel I’ve fallen to the ground

Your voice bleak so low in the background

I am still here still in tact 

Yet Am I a useful artifact

I love, I feel,  I have been healed

Or so it seems

Perhaps this all

Was just a dream

One I can never awake 

Maybe it is me my heart is yours to take~

~My Son~

My Son life is gift and You are a gift to life~
My Son take care of yourself love yourself respect yourself and others will respect you~
My Son you will grow up and become a man never lose your inner child~
My Son you will win some and lose some don’t let the loss make you bitter but instead let it make you stronger~
My Son there is a God, we come from something bigger than us, give thanks and know God and angels watch over you~
My Son there will come a day that someone will let you down don’t lose your faith~
My Son there will be those who will lie about you, always do your best to tell the truth~
My Son you will fall in love one day remember love takes time to grow don’t jump in head first learn to understand each other to grow together~
My Son people say there is one great love in everyone’s life but remember that true love is immeasurable and to love alone is great~
My Son you will have many acquaintances and meet many people however you likely will have one true friend care for that friend and be there for them as I pray they will be there for you~
My Son you will meet many who are in need throughout your life do your best to be charitable learn to give~
My Son you will see many things in life that are unfair but do your best to not judge and know life eventually evens the score~
My Son you will come across others who are miserable and rude learn to be kind don’t take it personal be and example~
My Son don’t let other’s influence your thoughts learn to think for yourself~
My Son there will come a day where you will be afraid be brave and overcome~
My Son there will be those who will tell you are not good enough, know your value never sell yourself short~
My Son you will face the impossible in life don’t let it stop you , every dream can become a reality strive and press on and always do your best make your dreams come true I have faith in you~
My Son be different don’t conform stand out from the rest, stand tall, stand proud~
My Son there will be times in life to be humble, learn from this, understand this, grow from this~
My Son you can not save the world but you can make your area of the world a better place, care for mother earth the beautiful animals and those who have less than you, respect what you have been given take care of what is given you and greater things will come your way~
My Son not everyone is afforded the opportunity to understand and be educated learn to have patience learn to teach~
My Son you will grow older and people will die, we all die, still live life to the fullest~
My Son when I die and you need me after I’m gone know that a part of me is always there in your heart and in your mind that energy never dies it only changes form and I will see you again one day~
My Son you’re the greatest gift in my life I’m sorry for the times I’ve fallen short know I did the best I knew how that I love you always you are my heart, you are my reason, You are my Son~
Not for Reproduction~NJM~

~Life’s Amazing Victories ~Great Read~Inspirational~

It’s hard when I don’t have the beauty around me, even more so to have such, yet unappreciated~

This soul is half wilted like flowers sent two weeks ago, in a vase of greenish moldy water… Against my soul I thrive and only make life harder~

There is a fight within that is slowly fading…. The light is dim, glib, hallow
This life is a bitter pill and often insipid and hard to swallow~

These expressions, these words, I write… outside, inside and deep within.. I’m trying to win, but seemingly losing this fight~

But a subtle grace around me waits … Like angels whisper deep embrace to remind that life is not a race… And often times these troubles face……..with weakness…. Will slowly build my strength…and not to fight a dirty fight, not go to any length to win~

But allow this circumstance to yield the beauty still yet but revealed..
Whispers loudly grow a voice, to always remember there is a choice~

Gallantly stand straight and tall, that in this life you’re gonna fall, but that’s not all… That fall……no you see, ahead there awaits a victory.

Posted using Tinydesk blog editor

~I logged into her account~

he said twice on the stand…”I logged into her account” I’m sorry Mr.Raley did you just say you logged into her account and that anyone anywhere can jump IP addresses? ” well I logged into her account and…… …. I meant I went to her account stumbles on words…. Dialogue from court yesterday.

Oh yeah because I had an affair back in 1999 with Larry. I made him become an alcoholic. That’s right folks I’m the all powerful able to override your accountability. Wow I caused you, because you have no mind of your own is that it? Ok.

Seriously you were an alcoholic bulimic psycho thief since 1993. See you at the next hearing😀
Thank you God!!!!!

To all naysayers and those who kicked me under the bus… God’s got my back, who’s got yours?

                

~What Experience Most Shaped Who You Are~

http://www.quora.com/What-experience-most-shaped-who-you-are/answers/5836880

I blog on Quora, it’s a question and answer site full of life experiences and useful information. Above is the link to the question and my answer along with others answers. So A2A stands for “asked to answer”.

I had a few A2A’s one about being a top writer and how they handle notifications, I was like “I’m not a top writer and most likely never will be” my answers are by far the least popular and I’m cool with that. I have no fluff or pizazz to dazzle you with. I’m the pesky little truth that you sit beside but would rather ignore. Very doubtful I’ll make you laugh perhaps make you think. I may make you laugh on occasion. When you do laugh you’ll bust a gut doing so. I’m one of those shooting stars that you gaze upon but for a moment in laughter.

There is no easy answer to this question, nor a specific event that completely shaped the person that I am, the person that is writing this answer. So I am going to briefly list events, then let you, the reader decide. Before you read any further keep in mind that almost every thing good has eventually dissolved or washed away in my life the key word being almost. The only really good whole, single most beautiful thing that has shaped who I am is my son, and daily I strive to not F#&@K it up for him at least not like it was for me.

I believe we can all agree and relate to our birth being a huge event for everyone. Think about it. Contemplate that for a moment. Consider all the miscarriages and abortions that occur daily and give thanks to this event in your life. Remind yourself today that you and your very existence is a grand achievement and shapes the basis of your humble beginnings from a new born babe to the very person you are, the person reading this.

1.My birth is first. Funny thing is, when my Mom would scream at me or hit me I would always say “I didn’t ask to be born” yet here I am.

Think now if you will about the family you were born into. This also will greatly affect you, will shape you and the outcomes and struggles we all eventually face.

2. So my family is in this slot. They were poor, mentally ill, not well educated and abused as children. So basically not a great template to say the least. So go ahead now think of what you were born into, well go on. It has shaped you into what you are. It’s an event to say the least.

3. My cousin sexually abusing me is my number three. Perhaps one day he will read this or my book and feel the shame and the space that was left in me from his actions thank you Nicholas John Distefano. You were considerably older than me, and you damn well knew better. I kept it a secret all my life it took 37 years after the events to acknowledge how you and your actions shaped me in regard to sex and love. I loved you, you used my love of you to do what you did. I then thought that in order to recieve love that sex in some way was tied to the emotion of love. It is not. Sex is an expression of love shared between two consenting adults.

4. Marrying at age 14. Need I say more? I realize marrying young was a common practice in certain cultures and in certain times frames. I’m sure we can all agree that you should wait, wait as long as you need. I suggest wait till you are at least 30.

5. My first true love Dirk. I have this thing with guys and their names starting with the letter D. Go figure. I cherish the time we had. I’m saddened that I hurt you, and that you are no longer around for me to tell you this. You live in my heart, and you shaped me in ways you’ll never know. RIP Dirk.

6. Being at a place at the wrong time. 1989 Boutte Louisiana. I wasn’t dealing the drugs, but I hung with the drug dealers, I received my drugs free in doing so.There was a huge shoot out between cops and a moving car. A friend was shot dead in front of me. I was Charged and prosecuted for distribution of MDMA. Served 1 year behind bars at age 19. This event came to shape my life and my belief of God and spirituality I have today. I found something in that cell. Something that whispered in my ear when I saved up my pills to take my life. Something beyond me stopped me. It’s what I call God. Thank God for being there in the cell with me. For helping me find the beauty in most all things including but not limited to suffering.

7. Marrying my second husband. His name starts with a D. We were 21 years old. He has also helped me raise my son. He is who my son calls Dad. Basically we grew up together, then grew apart. Through the 22 years we have been in and out each other’s life, We have torn each other down, built each other up, then down again. It is what it is. This time around we finally have peace.. With an civil split. I say civil because we have always gone to war when separating. This time I believe we understand that we do not work together any longer. Remaining friends is the best we can try for at this point in time. He may read this and not like what or how I stated this. I don’t care. I’m coming clean in life, no shame or regret to bare. I’m doing so to be better for me and for my son.

8. Meeting my sons biological father and falling madly in love. That lasted a few years. His name also starts with a D. Two things worked against us ~Time due to a 10 year age difference~ Racism. Trust me not the traditional racism either, perhaps some would call it reverse racism.

9. My Dad’s death. He died on my birthday. My birthday is New Years Day. What a way to bring in the New Year right and your birthday right? I never examined, nor came to understand love not like that, not when it’s gone from your life after having it for 33 years. He loved me unconditionally. I realize now where he learned this. He learned this from his life, which was full of conditions and requirements. Suppose when you live it, you learn it philosophy wins again. He lived with the rejection and labels. He took that and channeled it positively and as best he could into me. Now I’m doing so with my son.

10. My sons birth. Need I say more? Anyone who has a child and is reading this knows how much this event will shape your life ahead. All your plans, hopes, dreams now center around the beauty and innocence of your child or children. From the day you hold them onward you vow to try and make it different for them if you had a crappy life. If you had a good life then you have a great start and example to continue, believe that ties into number 2. Yes I do believe it does.

11. My son in intensive care for a week. He was 18 months old, and his pancreas failed to produce insulin. He was diagnosed a type 1 diabetic. Till this day you really never know how free you truly are until you live with an illness such as type 1 diabetes. All events, food, your entire life is dictated around insulin. Juvenile diabetes is the most overlooked childhood illness with no cure yet. I often would pray that by the time he was 10 we would have a cure. He is 10 and we are still waiting.

12. My Moms death. I was never particularly close to her when I was younger. She was severely abusive both verbally and physically. That part would shape anyone. Abuse is a bad horrible thing to endure. It also breeds more abuse. Why? Because you know nothing beyond it. It crowds and overshadows the beauty of life. We made our peace in my older years, we still often had disagreements and on this particular time she sent me a card on the day she died. I had hung up on her or maybe she hung up on me… It’s hard to say but she died two weeks later. This event still makes my heart hurt. Imagine someone close to you dying, and on that day they mailed a card to you stating their concern for your life, and that they loved you and hoped all is well and was sorry. Then imagine going to your mail box to receive this card three days after their death. Pretty profound huh? Yeah it shaped me in many ways. Try to let go of anger quickly if you can. Truly you don’t have no guarantee of anything. Each minute is given to you by a force greater than yourself. Like it or not, random as it may be, it is what it is. Try to make peace if you can. It goes along way.

13. My illness. Bipolar. It’s the most destructive and sometimes beautiful thing to behold. It answers many questions about your life and how you lived up until the point if you have been diagnosed with a mental illness. If you follow me, read my answers you are most likely very familiar with my illness and my transgressions that stem from bipolar disorder. I’ve spent a month in jail in 2010, then I spent 4 months again in 2012. Details of these events are posted both on my blog site as well as well as on my blog here. Want to know more? Buy my book, or you could private message me and l will do my best to answer or expound upon details surrounding each event.

So if you believe one single event has shaped or changed you significantly, stop and remember all the other events before that one event, or the ones after that one. You are in your process right now as you read this answer. You are being shaped in this moment regardless of what you feel or think. Significance can be found in many many things, including but not limited to one event.

But the greatest thing that I’ve come across that has affected me and shaped my life beyond my son is peace. I found it, or maybe it found me. It’s an elusive tricky fella because even when you find it, you must care for it, acknowledge it, even guard it, yes that’s right guard it. Why? Because others will try to steal yours. Either way it’s necessary to live a full life. And I’ve lived a very full life. Wouldn’t you agree? But the beautiful part is I’m only half way there.

So my simple answer is my experience with peace. Peace has shaped me, healed me when I allow it to overshadow the hellish, crazy, exciting, tumultuous, euphoric thing that is my life. Peace.

Besides you can make this stuff up, it writes you. It’s called life.

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