~Gone Are The Days Of True Christians and True Churches~ Test Of Faith~

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So I recently spoke about returning to church. Before I expound upon that event and events after this I want to speak a bit about what is on my heart.

While in the hospital (baker acted) I met a girl, she was in there for a suicide attempt. Her arms were sliced both at the wrist and above where doctors normally take blood. Her cuts required stitches.

There is a sense of loneliness felt in situations such as mine, such as hers. You feel there is no one, its why people attempt suicide. Suicide is away to stop feeling alone, alone around others, alone in the crowd, alone even though you are around ones you love, even when they don’t return the respect are love you give freely.

I’ve written a bit about suicide. I’ve attempted it a few time in my life. I still feel it takes balls to try to truly take your life at your chosen time. Why? lots of reasons. As much faith I have in God, there will always be doubt about the after life, hell, heaven, reincarnation, so forth so on…..even the thoughts of “this is it” this life begins and ends period. This is where faith steps in.

So when the girl saw me crying she came to me, arms wrapped and stitched where she sliced them with a razor blade. She hugged me and held my hand when No One else did. I don’t have much to offer anyone at this point of my life, I am living in a soon to be foreclosed home, and I just found out Friday that my future ex cancelled my auto policy. I was listed as a driver. Nothing new, he uses these same attempts to crush me, to hurt me each time events similar such as these have unfolded the last 4 years, injunctions put in place like I am the one trying to hurt him, yet he takes and takes from me, all the times when he was down and at his lowest I lifted him up.. Hell I woke on the 10th of this month to no electricity. Not because the bill was not paid, oh no. I paid the bill, however it was in his name and he shut it down. Again nothing new.

I began to ask the girl why she attempted suicide, she shared her story with me. She would be homeless upon release from the hospital. She was in an abusive relationship, and it dissolved leaving her without a home for her and her dog and two bearded dragons name Slyvia  and Drako.

I then told her that she was welcomed to come to my soon to be foreclosed home. I was released before her. The next day my door bell rang. It was the girl. She had 140$ from her last paycheck, no job because of the events, no clothes except the ones on her back, and just a purse.

At first I felt apprehension. I didn’t really know her. I had large issues of my own to deal with. But I extended the offer she had nowhere to go, so I allowed her to stay.The following day I took her to the house where she used to live to get her things(There was only a few boxes) and her dog Bandit and her two bearded dragons. We loaded her belongings and her pets and returned to my home(soon to be sold due to foreclosure).

I thought to myself how in the hell will I feed us, I had limited funds and issues of my own to deal with. I still have the same issues to deal with. Go figure.

Four weeks later she was still here no job. I took her to the library daily to do applications online( pretty much every thing is done online today)I called the church many in fact. I found NO Church that would help her, no shelters. I couldn’t keep feeding her and allowing the extra electricity to be used.

I called the church I had been attending and the Pastor said and I quote “we can give her 100$ this would get her out of my home”. Wow. So I am going to drop her and her pets at a shabby hotel with no money except the 100$ the pastor gave to pay for the 2 nights to “get her out my home” wow right, just Great. I am dealing with my crap and her crap too. Awesome. Lets double worry Yay.

I awoke the next day called my sponsor from NA and she said “Nicole some things reach beyond you, you’ve done all you can, You must take care of you.” Made sense, I didn’t like the thought of what I needed to do. I had to tell her I could no longer help her I must focus on my situation and did not need the added stress.

So I informed her that I could no longer help her…She had no job and had a few interviews but no call backs. I prayed that day both with her and by myself for the strength and hopelessness of the situation. As I cried both for myself and her and her pets. I decided to call my sponsor for counsel once again. As I was crying and telling her how I felt the phone rang. I didn’t answer it, for I was on the phone with my sponsor.

The calls were two jobs, thats right two jobs offers for her. I had prayed with her that day, and that day something great happened, God came through at the last minute. She is at work now as I write this. The job is walking distance. I explained to her that she can stay here until she gets two paychecks to supplement that large offering( said with sarcasm} from the church, you know the one, that 100$.

So now the point of this story. I left churches like that back 18 years ago because I saw more and more materialistic endeavors, more worldly desires and a sense of hypocrisy.  The bible states clearly to be not of the world nor the things of the world…But More and more churches are now like businesses.Gone are the days of what Jesus had in mind when he said “do unto others as you want done to you, if your brother or sister need food feed them, if the need cloths, give them the shirt from your back. Be charitable be christ like. I don’t think Jesus had in mind that the big fancy church that I attended, where many wealthy people praised and worshiped “God” was his vision.  I originally thought when they knocked at my door “hey good christian people” however they were in a subdivision where my beautiful 250,000$ dollar home was, any many other bigger homes as well. The red flag didn’t occur until I began to think…..they were in a neighborhood where upper middle class live, where they can preach the spirit of tithing that 10% of your salary. No they were not in the projects knocking on doors, or poor neighborhoods. I suppose it finally hit me .They look for their kind, the kind that have money and can add riches to their pockets. Charlatans I believe is a suited term.

So I am back at square one. I still have faith in my God, notice I say my God…I don’t serve the God hypocrites serve. I am trying my best to help even in my hour of need.

What I am saying is that what Jesus had in mind was charity, love, sacrifice. Not building large churches that the rich can praise and worship a God that is not of Christ.

I texted the pastor today, I told him that the check they wrote for her to stay at the roach motel would not be cashed, that she actually got a job so I don’t have to “just get her out of my house”. I told him I have been faced with homeless situations of my own, and I could never do that to another human being although it seems many others can.

He Never texted back. I mean why would he, people such as myself and her represent the truth and sad situations that make Christians such as those uncomfortable. We tarnish their “all is prosperous and everything is perfect world”.

The Church is you, the Church is me. Want to be a missionary? Then look around right here in the USA! There is a need right here, you don’t have to travel to far to reach those in true need. Those souls out there that are ignored because their troubles make you uncomfortable, they are the truth that we would rather ignore.

Gone are the days of the true church, the charitable church. The funny thing is that St Timothy’s Catholic Church offered more help both to me an my friend and we have never attended their church.

Tomorrow, well actually today is Sunday, I will be in church right here in my home, and I will be tithing alright, my tithing will be the offering of my self to others in need.

I don’t know which God you serve, but I can tell you this I don’t serve a commercialized God, oh no, indeed I try and walk in a Christ like spirit, regardless of the trails I face both now and later. I hope for anyone reading this to come out of your comfort zone and remember that the message of Jesus was that of Love, acceptance, charity, helping those less fortunate.

Truly Gone are the days of a true Church, always remember you are the church, the temple of the holy spirit, the example. The greatest testimony is your life and how you live, how you give, how you love. That is what Jesus had in mind.

Be an example, be different, don’t worry about what others think of you, worry only about what counts. What counts in the end it is between you and God, so make your life and testimony count. Go be a missionary right in your town, city, your country.

That is faith, that is love, that is Church, now go live it. Pray, talk with God as you would talk with another human being. Yell if you must, lay your burdens down, always pray. Prayer changes things that need to be changed, and try to keep your feet upon the path God wants you to travel. Lord knows I’ve strayed enough.

Peace. God bless. NJM~

 

~My Son~

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My Son life is gift and You are a gift to life~
My Son take care of yourself love yourself respect yourself and others will respect you~
My Son you will grow up and become a man never lose your inner child~
My Son you will win some and lose some don’t let the loss make you bitter but instead let it make you stronger~
My Son there is a God, we come from something bigger than us, give thanks and know God and angels watch over you~
My Son there will come a day that someone will let you down don’t lose your faith~
My Son there will be those who will lie about you, always do your best to tell the truth~
My Son you will fall in love one day remember love takes time to grow don’t jump in head first learn to understand each other to grow together~
My Son people say there is one great love in everyone’s life but remember that true love is immeasurable and to love alone is great~
My Son you will have many acquaintances and meet many people however you likely will have one true friend care for that friend and be there for them as I pray they will be there for you~
My Son you will meet many who are in need throughout your life do your best to be charitable learn to give~
My Son you will see many things in life that are unfair but do your best to not judge and know life eventually evens the score~
My Son you will come across others who are miserable and rude learn to be kind don’t take it personal be and example~
My Son don’t let other’s influence your thoughts learn to think for yourself~
My Son there will come a day where you will be afraid be brave and overcome~
My Son there will be those who will tell you are not good enough, know your value never sell yourself short~
My Son you will face the impossible in life don’t let it stop you , every dream can become a reality strive and press on and always do your best make your dreams come true I have faith in you~
My Son be different don’t conform stand out from the rest, stand tall, stand proud~
My Son there will be times in life to be humble, learn from this, understand this, grow from this~
My Son you can not save the world but you can make your area of the world a better place, care for mother earth the beautiful animals and those who have less than you, respect what you have been given take care of what is given you and greater things will come your way~
My Son not everyone is afforded the opportunity to understand and be educated learn to have patience learn to teach~
My Son you will grow older and people will die, we all die, still live life to the fullest~
My Son when I die and you need me after I’m gone know that a part of me is always there in your heart and in your mind that energy never dies it only changes form and I will see you again one day~
My Son you’re the greatest gift in my life I’m sorry for the times I’ve fallen short know I did the best I knew how that I love you always you are my heart, you are my reason, You are my Son~
Not for Reproduction~NJM~

~The Price of Freedom~

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Dedicated to Kiffer Baldeo

Often in life you have heard many people, grandparents, mothers, fathers, even friends tell you nothing is free.

There is one thing that truly is free, the love of God, the acceptance that God freely gives you without conditions. But for humans we all have conditions, damn those conditions right? I mean think about this at this moment, we all have conditions we feel must apply in some way, fashion, form, in order for us to accept those which we feel  love us, owe us, in order for us to give our stamp of approval, to give our love back. Our sense of entitlement.

But true Freedom is not just found spiritually speaking, but also in having nothing left to lose. It is within the element when you have nothing left to lose, you are in a position to gain, that is if you have not broken the law, in which case freedom is not attainable at least not the kind others have, don’t get me wrong some of the freest people are actually incarcerated. It is in the element of nothing left to lose, nothing that can be taken from you, that is true personal freedom beyond the spiritual aspect.

My illness has brought much heartbreak, loss, but from the loss I’ve attained the ability to pick myself up and realize that indeed I  have lost all, and not once, but several times, but each time I hit the bottom the one thing I still have is freedom, choice, through the loss I am therefor free. I have no where to go now, I am at the bottom. But the beauty of this freedom is the powerful Will to rise above and restore that which was lost, by God’s grace and sheer determination, to pick myself up. Yet even more beautiful is the recognition now given to me from the experience of loss. Freedom at its primitive state is nothing to lose, and everything to gain.

I am near ground zero, close to the bottom, but through my illness and the creativity it provides, I can see that light ahead, I can envision a future built upon the freedom of the loss I have endured. Will this be easy, hell no. Nothing lasting and tangible is attained easily, for if it were the appreciation of such attainment would fade rather quickly, only leaving a yearning for more than you already have, which you are not appreciating. If you were appreciating it you would be caring for it and thanking God and life daily for the battle fought, the journey traveled to get to the point you’re at.

Bipolar is often a self deprecating illness and unfortunately without a cure. But the most powerful resource one can implement in the journey of recovering is a strong support system, something I have not had in the last 6 years. Bipolar in manic phase is lunacy at its worse, creativity at its best, and somewhere in between its both. Seldom does a day go by that I have at least one radical thought, as well as a bleak thought. But if a good support system is in place, someone to bounce these thoughts onto it truly makes an enormous difference. I have started to see a new psychotherapist who asked me to write a letter each week to someone that I have felt harmed me, an event that has changed me. Then she wants me to target into the one feeling that sums it up that I get after reading it. Not like the basic shallow Angry or hurt, but like the event left me with rejection, or fear. I am looking forward to working with her, and suggest to any one who is living with bipolar to seek out a therapist that will challenge you to go beyond the demons that plague your mind, in so doing, you will pave the way to freedom in your mind as well as purge the abuse you may have endured.

See for me they’re some days that anxiety grips my mind it feels like someone is sitting on my chest and I have trouble catching my breath, my body and soul feel fragmented .But I pray upon waking, giving my burdens to God. slowly I take my cement legs and put on my cement shoes (because I feel like cement is on my feet as I go to tackle another day). Each day unfolds differently. Every waking hour I do my best to forget yesterday(although others won’t in regard to me or my actions) To try not to think about tomorrow, because none of us are granted a tomorrow, but to stay in this day. When I don’t do this, or practice this, when one I have one foot is still in yesterday and the other foot in tomorrow I wind up pissing all over the present day. Lord knows I need not do that. In fact if you stop and think about it, this is true for everyone.

Now there are those who Will say “set goal, make plans” I do, I set reasonable goals, but in order to successfully reach these goals, these dreams I must strive to stay in this moment, this day. Truly it is the first step to healing and to maintaining those things you would love to see come to fruition. A step to freedom of ones self and your mind.

Look, Bipolar sucks, but I will not allow recents events to silence my quest to advocate for the awareness and compassion needed by society to treat those afflicted with mental disability no different than those suffering from a terminal illness. We are just as ill as a cancer patient or any other incurable illness.

Truthfully so many of the mentally disable are not diagnosed because of stigma, fear and judgement or rejection.. As stated previously working with a new psychologist which gives me a great new angle and approach to dealing with many repressed memories and purging the abuse out of my mind in a very unique way,thus allowing freedom to encompass my present quest to stay free in all things. Not allowing the past dominate my future.

Even when you fall get up quickly, become the true creative warrior you are, fight the good fight, stand up for the cause. So when our children who may be diagnosed with a mental disability face society they will be treated as any other individual with a terminal illness, which is with kindness and concern, not with the hate, indifference, and ridicule those of us face in society at the present time.

Finally, find you, find your inner child, and the person that you were meant to be somewhere under all the shit that we must deal with on a day to day basis, grow from our struggles, push forward when faced with hate or rejection. Keep your Will strong, fight the good fight, be an example for others who suffer  from bipolar or any other mental disability. Mostly find your freedom, many times at rock bottom is exactly where ALL of US need to be from time to time, for growth, for appreciation of the things entrusted to us, those very things we ignore and don’t care for as we should, but instead let it whither away. This includes not just the upkeep of our illness, but all things entrusted to us, our kids, our home, being an example to raise the standard and step out from among the rest. In doing this you Will find your freedom, your peace both in spirit and in mind.

Find your voice, find your freedom~

Always remember this rule, to go on to greater things you must first love and take care of the things you have, then and only then Will greater things come your was. Keep your Will strong.

Please be willful with intent~

~NJM~

 

~My Son~Happy 13th Birthday!!! 

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My Son life is gift and You are a gift to life~

My Son take care of yourself love yourself respect yourself and others will respect you~

My Son you will grow up and become a man never lose your inner child~

My Son you will win some and lose some don’t let the loss make you bitter but instead let it make you stronger~

My Son there is a God, we come from something bigger than us, give thanks and know God and angels watch over you~

My Son there will come a day that someone will let you down don’t lose your faith~

My Son there will be those who will lie about you, always do your best to tell the truth~

My Son you will fall in love one day remember love takes time to grow don’t jump in head first learn to understand each other to grow together~

My Son people say there is one great love in everyone’s life but remember that true love is immeasurable and to love alone is great~

My Son you will have many acquaintances and meet many people however you likely will have one true friend care for that friend and be there for them as I pray they will be there for you~

My Son you will meet many who are in need throughout your life do your best to be charitable learn to give~

My Son you will see many things in life that are unfair but do your best to not judge and know life eventually evens the score~

My Son you will come across others who are miserable and rude learn to be kind don’t take it personal be and example~

My Son don’t let other’s influence your thoughts learn to think for yourself~

My Son there will come a day where you will be afraid be brave and overcome~

My Son there will be those who will tell you are not good enough, know your value never sell yourself short~

My Son you will face the impossible in life don’t let it stop you , every dream can become a reality strive and press on and always do your best make your dreams come true I have faith in you~

My Son be different don’t conform stand out from the rest, stand tall, stand proud~

My Son there will be times in life to be humble, learn from this, understand this, grow from this~

My Son you can not save the world but you can make your area of the world a better place, care for mother earth the beautiful animals and those who have less than you, respect what you have been given take care of what is given you and greater things will come your way~

My Son not everyone is afforded the opportunity to understand and be educated learn to have patience learn to teach~

My Son you will grow older and people will die, we all die, still live life to the fullest~

My Son when I die and you need me after I’m gone know that a part of me is always there in your heart and in your mind that energy never dies it only changes form and I will see you again one day~

My Son you’re the greatest gift in my life I’m sorry for the times I’ve fallen short know I did the best I knew how that I love you always you are my heart, you are my reason, You are my Son~

Not for Reproduction~NJM~

~It’s Been 1 Year~

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What can I say, It’s been 1 year that I developed this blog. I developed it for several reasons. To educate and bring insight to mental illness and bipolar disorder which I suffer from. Let me rephrase that, that I have been blessed with, yes I said blessed with.

Sure there are times that I suffer, don’t we all suffer at times? Most times we actually bring the suffering upon ourselves….most of the time that is. There are circumstances that occur that we have no control over, and these circumstances can cause distress and pain.

Bipolar however can be used for the beauty and creativity that makes it the “Genius” disorder. Don’t get me wrong, all of us have a inner genius we can tap into, but truth be told some of the greatest people in our eternal history were afflicted with bipolar disorder, great prolific writers, artist, philosophers, inventors to name a few titles that bipolar disorder will forever be attached to.

Bipolar disorder invokes strong passionate feelings about so much. It’s why we have the super highs and the plummeting lows. But when you can find your niche and the right treatment for the illness you can do amazing things. Don’t get me wrong I have my “Silver Lining’s Playbook” moments….the Bradley Cooper Character parts, the ones that you know where you put something and will tear the house down looking for it all the while raging and possibly fits of crying….I also have the insight he had. If you have never seen the movie I highly recommend it. Two people Bradley Cooper plays “Pat” and Jennifer Lawrence plays “Tiffany” both of them suffer mental illness.

 

Their lives lead the into a cross road that intertwines and brings the two together. It brings two talented crazy ass, beautiful people together. Know what? They fall in love. I have been blessed with a very similar situation in my life. It intertwined with someone that I first saw two years ago at an AA meeting.

What I can say is this, the right person can be amazing and be the balance you may be missing. Am I saying go run out and find someone? Hell No! It’s a natural unexpected occurrence. You never know when are how, but when the timing is right they walk into your life and the puzzle begins to fit and come together.

Am I saying that another person is the answer? Again NO! your answer is to balance,and this can be many other things. But that’s the key. Balance and low to no stress levels. See I was in abusive relationship for several years. Events due to my illness and circumstances beyond my control propelled me forward, and low and behold her I am. Standing up, good people around me. Part time job, with a great boss. A wonderful partner. All I have to finish is this custody battle and the finality to the divorce which will be soon.

Look just like you I am feeling my way around this unexpected and mysterious life, illness….but one thing I will say is “Thank God” for my life has not been a random series of events, oh no..see I have watched things unfold in my lowest moments, and trust I have hit bottom on a few occasions. Each time I watch God maneuver and work all the kinks out. Believe how you chose, but I know what I lived.

 

Life without belief and faith is a random occurrence of events that have so many variables that there is no cohesive qualities. But a life of faith one rooted in God is a life of destiny and each occurrence brings you one step closer to the true reason you were placed here on this planet. One step closer to Kismet.

I plan to do more writing in this next year, I am still working on a Novel, but until some finalities in my life play out I have put it on the back burner.

I also Plan to continue to advocate and educate for the awareness of mental illness and taking the stigma away, to show others that we are human and we hurt and feel and love just  as they do, just sometime more intensely more passionately. I plan to be a voice in the wilderness of the void, a voice that has no true voice, just random  people here and there willing to admit to or casually speak about their personal struggles. I want to change the concept and understanding of mental illness and especially bipolar disorder.

To those who stop by and read my blog, thank you. To those who follow my blog thanks for your support!

Till my next post, be blessed, stay safe, be well.

Much Love~

NJM~

~Personal Quotes~NJM~

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~ It is through anguish that true growth occurs each setback is two steps forward~Be Fearless~

~Hacking~

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Recently my twitter account’s were hacked causing a great deal of pain and a mess in regard to my mental state of mind, as well as the custody of my son. My son is a type 1 diabetic and has Aspergers. I recently had left a very abusive relationship.The man who abused me and my son was given temporary custody of my son due to twitter statements. I repeat again due to social media that my son was taken from me. That alone is nuts.

The police that did this is also the very police that have done this before. This police department has come under fire recently due to their involvement in the KKK, yes thats right the KKK. My son is half black, I am creole.

Back in April of this year the person whom I was with hacked into my twitter obtaining my direct messages to a few friends that he believed I was in some romantic relationship with. Mr. Raley did this on 3 separate occasions.

If anyone knows of litigation that could aide in my quest for justice in regard to this situation to please leave information in the comment area of this post.

I ask anyone who believes in God and prays to please keep me lifted up in prayer and pray for the safe release of my son to be once again in the arms of the mother who loves him and has walked through hell to be with.

Thank you to all who support my efforts as well as my being open to discuss my illness and to be an advocate in regard to mental illness in society today, the discrimination we face as well as the stigma.

once again, thank you.

God Bless.

~Personal Quotes~

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~Prayers left unanswered does not mean “no” sometimes unanswered prayers means to go on with the show~

~What Experience Most Shaped Who You Are~

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http://www.quora.com/What-experience-most-shaped-who-you-are/answers/5836880

I blog on Quora, it’s a question and answer site full of life experiences and useful information. Above is the link to the question and my answer along with others answers. So A2A stands for “asked to answer”.

I had a few A2A’s one about being a top writer and how they handle notifications, I was like “I’m not a top writer and most likely never will be” my answers are by far the least popular and I’m cool with that. I have no fluff or pizazz to dazzle you with. I’m the pesky little truth that you sit beside but would rather ignore. Very doubtful I’ll make you laugh perhaps make you think. I may make you laugh on occasion. When you do laugh you’ll bust a gut doing so. I’m one of those shooting stars that you gaze upon but for a moment in laughter.

There is no easy answer to this question, nor a specific event that completely shaped the person that I am, the person that is writing this answer. So I am going to briefly list events, then let you, the reader decide. Before you read any further keep in mind that almost every thing good has eventually dissolved or washed away in my life the key word being almost. The only really good whole, single most beautiful thing that has shaped who I am is my son, and daily I strive to not F#&@K it up for him at least not like it was for me.

I believe we can all agree and relate to our birth being a huge event for everyone. Think about it. Contemplate that for a moment. Consider all the miscarriages and abortions that occur daily and give thanks to this event in your life. Remind yourself today that you and your very existence is a grand achievement and shapes the basis of your humble beginnings from a new born babe to the very person you are, the person reading this.

1.My birth is first. Funny thing is, when my Mom would scream at me or hit me I would always say “I didn’t ask to be born” yet here I am.

Think now if you will about the family you were born into. This also will greatly affect you, will shape you and the outcomes and struggles we all eventually face.

2. So my family is in this slot. They were poor, mentally ill, not well educated and abused as children. So basically not a great template to say the least. So go ahead now think of what you were born into, well go on. It has shaped you into what you are. It’s an event to say the least.

3. My cousin sexually abusing me is my number three. Perhaps one day he will read this or my book and feel the shame and the space that was left in me from his actions thank you Nicholas John Distefano. You were considerably older than me, and you damn well knew better. I kept it a secret all my life it took 37 years after the events to acknowledge how you and your actions shaped me in regard to sex and love. I loved you, you used my love of you to do what you did. I then thought that in order to recieve love that sex in some way was tied to the emotion of love. It is not. Sex is an expression of love shared between two consenting adults.

4. Marrying at age 14. Need I say more? I realize marrying young was a common practice in certain cultures and in certain times frames. I’m sure we can all agree that you should wait, wait as long as you need. I suggest wait till you are at least 30.

5. My first true love Dirk. I have this thing with guys and their names starting with the letter D. Go figure. I cherish the time we had. I’m saddened that I hurt you, and that you are no longer around for me to tell you this. You live in my heart, and you shaped me in ways you’ll never know. RIP Dirk.

6. Being at a place at the wrong time. 1989 Boutte Louisiana. I wasn’t dealing the drugs, but I hung with the drug dealers, I received my drugs free in doing so.There was a huge shoot out between cops and a moving car. A friend was shot dead in front of me. I was Charged and prosecuted for distribution of MDMA. Served 1 year behind bars at age 19. This event came to shape my life and my belief of God and spirituality I have today. I found something in that cell. Something that whispered in my ear when I saved up my pills to take my life. Something beyond me stopped me. It’s what I call God. Thank God for being there in the cell with me. For helping me find the beauty in most all things including but not limited to suffering.

7. Marrying my second husband. His name starts with a D. We were 21 years old. He has also helped me raise my son. He is who my son calls Dad. Basically we grew up together, then grew apart. Through the 22 years we have been in and out each other’s life, We have torn each other down, built each other up, then down again. It is what it is. This time around we finally have peace.. With an civil split. I say civil because we have always gone to war when separating. This time I believe we understand that we do not work together any longer. Remaining friends is the best we can try for at this point in time. He may read this and not like what or how I stated this. I don’t care. I’m coming clean in life, no shame or regret to bare. I’m doing so to be better for me and for my son.

8. Meeting my sons biological father and falling madly in love. That lasted a few years. His name also starts with a D. Two things worked against us ~Time due to a 10 year age difference~ Racism. Trust me not the traditional racism either, perhaps some would call it reverse racism.

9. My Dad’s death. He died on my birthday. My birthday is New Years Day. What a way to bring in the New Year right and your birthday right? I never examined, nor came to understand love not like that, not when it’s gone from your life after having it for 33 years. He loved me unconditionally. I realize now where he learned this. He learned this from his life, which was full of conditions and requirements. Suppose when you live it, you learn it philosophy wins again. He lived with the rejection and labels. He took that and channeled it positively and as best he could into me. Now I’m doing so with my son.

10. My sons birth. Need I say more? Anyone who has a child and is reading this knows how much this event will shape your life ahead. All your plans, hopes, dreams now center around the beauty and innocence of your child or children. From the day you hold them onward you vow to try and make it different for them if you had a crappy life. If you had a good life then you have a great start and example to continue, believe that ties into number 2. Yes I do believe it does.

11. My son in intensive care for a week. He was 18 months old, and his pancreas failed to produce insulin. He was diagnosed a type 1 diabetic. Till this day you really never know how free you truly are until you live with an illness such as type 1 diabetes. All events, food, your entire life is dictated around insulin. Juvenile diabetes is the most overlooked childhood illness with no cure yet. I often would pray that by the time he was 10 we would have a cure. He is 10 and we are still waiting.

12. My Moms death. I was never particularly close to her when I was younger. She was severely abusive both verbally and physically. That part would shape anyone. Abuse is a bad horrible thing to endure. It also breeds more abuse. Why? Because you know nothing beyond it. It crowds and overshadows the beauty of life. We made our peace in my older years, we still often had disagreements and on this particular time she sent me a card on the day she died. I had hung up on her or maybe she hung up on me… It’s hard to say but she died two weeks later. This event still makes my heart hurt. Imagine someone close to you dying, and on that day they mailed a card to you stating their concern for your life, and that they loved you and hoped all is well and was sorry. Then imagine going to your mail box to receive this card three days after their death. Pretty profound huh? Yeah it shaped me in many ways. Try to let go of anger quickly if you can. Truly you don’t have no guarantee of anything. Each minute is given to you by a force greater than yourself. Like it or not, random as it may be, it is what it is. Try to make peace if you can. It goes along way.

13. My illness. Bipolar. It’s the most destructive and sometimes beautiful thing to behold. It answers many questions about your life and how you lived up until the point if you have been diagnosed with a mental illness. If you follow me, read my answers you are most likely very familiar with my illness and my transgressions that stem from bipolar disorder. I’ve spent a month in jail in 2010, then I spent 4 months again in 2012. Details of these events are posted both on my blog site as well as well as on my blog here. Want to know more? Buy my book, or you could private message me and l will do my best to answer or expound upon details surrounding each event.

So if you believe one single event has shaped or changed you significantly, stop and remember all the other events before that one event, or the ones after that one. You are in your process right now as you read this answer. You are being shaped in this moment regardless of what you feel or think. Significance can be found in many many things, including but not limited to one event.

But the greatest thing that I’ve come across that has affected me and shaped my life beyond my son is peace. I found it, or maybe it found me. It’s an elusive tricky fella because even when you find it, you must care for it, acknowledge it, even guard it, yes that’s right guard it. Why? Because others will try to steal yours. Either way it’s necessary to live a full life. And I’ve lived a very full life. Wouldn’t you agree? But the beautiful part is I’m only half way there.

So my simple answer is my experience with peace. Peace has shaped me, healed me when I allow it to overshadow the hellish, crazy, exciting, tumultuous, euphoric thing that is my life. Peace.

Besides you can make this stuff up, it writes you. It’s called life.

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