A life lived for another is no life at all. Be yourself~who are you living for?
Category Archives: hate
~Eradicating Rotting Existence~
Fearless thy eyes doth search yet fear grips~
Hollow shell of thy existence doth shake still filled with entitlement~
Horrifying lies spew forth as distance grows believing in thy lies~
Spinning through tunnels off balance yet walking a line of deceit~
Doth thy mind play tricks?
Thy judgment mitigates causing confusion~
Hands held outward beckoning solidarity yet filled ? Thy crawleth cowardly through these corridors surely thy know thine way~
Inordinate perceptions flys high above far reaching yet right in front of thine~ah so beseeching~
Clenching thy fist forbearing actions tainted quickening haste and for what? Thy gain?
Equivocal form thy life disreputable~Hallow lacking luster,
Doth thy remain critical? Ah yes I see thy will always be~
Seeking this conspicuous conspiracy only digging thy hole deeper~
Abating others cruelly yet tormenting thy self thinking thine comfortable~
Deceitful apprehensions cloud over thy appetite, an endless appetite for destruction~`
That longs for the destruction desperate attempts are futile~
There stand abrading thy torment filled with hysterical laughter~
Gravely grotesque figure without form finding thy shape in shadows~
Endeavor enmity consumes thy needs, needing more and more~
Empty…empty gaunt~
Always left yearning~
Not meeting thy need~
Perpetually perplexing persecuting domination~
Thy frailty subdues all thy once knew, still knowing nothing but lies~
Nonsensical as it beckons thy near~
Further thy shell empties year after year a gaping hole is all that is left~
No Soul, well perhaps a bit of one, but stale and old~
Rotting thy heart sneering~
Yet you remain~
Hallow….ever more no release~
Not for Reproduction~
~Coming Soon~
I haven’t written in awhile and soon I will be writing about why. It is called 101 days of Hell~ and in more contemplative thoughts I’m working on how one can achieve happiness alone….. Yes I said happy and alone in one sentence and it feels good~
~Preemptive~revised~
Preemptive I suppose
I leave first
You silver tongue devil
You had me almost
But all of my life I stood by
With hope learning to cope
No more
Preemptive I am
Strike you down
Out of my sight
Purged from my mind
You can come to look
You will not find
Preemptive in love
Just as in war
I am a missile
I reach out so far
I’ll tear down your defenses
I close in on you all around
Slash your heart first
Never again it’s now
A curse
Laid upon me long ago
A trust can be broken only so many times
Am I confused unable to see
I breed in you and you breed in me
And we also bleed too!
Your deceit
Is a pool of my blood around your feet
My blood, my scars
No one can never cross far over my lines
Drawn in a particular way
So when I am done
I have the say
Preemptive
I can’t even make it a month
Thinking of what could be us
I see to much fault
You are not what I thought
Characteristics you portray
Soon fade away
So I jump out
Leaving you quickly
I can’t conceive
Why you can’t perceive
That I am no longer shackled
By love or sex
Well I’d like to think
Mortal coil craves
I’m human
I have my days
I’m preemptive
You wonder how you let go the best
It’s not you
It’s not a test
So go on your way
Give it a rest
Wait what did I just say?
Preemptive dear Darlin dear
Now feel the fate as it draws near~
Does someone who is bipolar know that they’re wrong when they are verbally abusive and threatening during a manic phase?
Well, I’m speaking of my experience.
No and yes.
When manic, your sense of boundaries are skewed. The filter that most individuals use and have in place cease to exist.
In the manic phase, mania takes on many forms. Strong hostility, as well as a viscous tongue can arise if provoked even the slightest by someone who at one time or another failed me, these fails will indeed rise to the surface.
With that I’ve never been dishonest with my words but verbally abusive would fit. What I would say was often very true about what I felt about things they’ve done. But it was said very harshly, and with viscous intent. The message I conveyed was not false , but was said in such abrupt disregard that it would leave its scar.
Threatening. I only threatened when I was threatened. By that I mean because I’m bi polar, and may be within a confrontation , statements ” like you need to take your meds”or “no one will believe you cause you crazy ” will set me off, especially since those words are meant to make me feel less than, and with ignorance. Which at that point I will zone into all character flaws of the said individual I’m in conflict with and rip them to shreds, at which point I can leave them speechless.
In short I must be provoked in order to act in such ways. Granted I’m more sensitive when manic. So if the person is aware of my state. Then all could be avoided. It’s all in the care, in the handling.
Most of those whom I’ve done this too, had in most cases abandoned me when I may have needed them most. And when they needed me most I was there for them in their time of need.This is why I’ve burned a few bridges. But if they were unsupportive of me after my diagnosis then those bridges need not be crossed again.
These are my experiences , the only thing I felt bad for was how I said it. How I said it, and my intent behind it. But I was never sorry for speaking the truth.
Written 16 Dec, 2013. Asked to answer by Marcus Ford.
~More of DAR last Will and Testament~5/17/2014 4 damn years…. wait it’s a 4! (Inside joke) 4 is lucky happy Godly ~~truly~
More of his text to my son and me, from May, 17th 2014. For the record if you ….and you know who are..keep trying to use my mental disability against me. When my Lawyer and I are finished with you, the truth of your illness’s will be revealed, notice the plural on illness. Bulimia, Alcohol dependency,Lies, Thieving, anger issues…to name a few.
So it may appear things are in your favor for now, however, if God be for us/me then who can be against us/me.
Keeping it Real~Personal Quotes~NJM~
Sometimes letting go is the only way to hang on~
Donnell Kerr Christian~follows give me support on this very critical post!
Donnell Margaret Donald KERR~
There is no easy way to put this
No easy way to say
But you all think you are a Christian in a comfy corner you pray~
While your own flesh and blood did you turn away~
Does Jesus not say, Whatsoever you do to the least of my children that I do unto you?
Yes I believe that has been written~
My son……your blood as a new born kitten, you turned your back to a blind eye did you give, Do you really think in heaven you’ll live?
You dress all fancy on Sunday and sing put on your holy face~
But the promise the Lord made to his children is he will wipe you out erase from the book of life you see
You all turned your back on Donnell’s son trust this is not about me.
So when you read Gods word you sing and you pray it’s the blood of the innocent for which you will pay~
He did nothing to you, or you, or you, but I can tell you’re all ignorant and have not a clue~No Holy Spirit abides within you!
Suffer not the little children… hmmmm….
You go about life as though your grandson/Son Doesn’t exist~
On judgement day you’ll feel the Lords fist slam down the book make you take a look., Hypocrite you see? Think you better than me? Than the rest? Time God puts you to the test~ or maybe give it a rest, nope it’s the contrary~
Hey your daughter Noel some call a fairy? I think you know what I mean some say a queen, but it is what it is, so she’s gay, did not your God make her that way? Yes I believe he did.
Hey she is cool with me but the Bible you read doesn’t accept that you see?
You can live free~
On time bought buy the blood~
Times running short~
And so is the love~
Those who reject others reject themselves in turn God also will reject you~
Not sure what bible you read, But you know not the creed.
You Judge and sit tight now~
Think it’s all right now~
Time has a way of making you complacent you see?like so many others, fake and a snake slither the earth~
Not sure why I write this for I do not curse, vengeance is God’s~
Perhaps I am a small instrument he used to keep you on track and not be confused.
God is not the author of confusion you see, I’ll always accept you, yet you have yet to accept me or my son~
Perhaps retribution has begun……
Turn the other cheek?
Turn away the meek?
The weak?
Helpless?
Well …you did!
He now is a young man
No longer a kid.
I write all this down~
It’s my therapy you see~
I advocate for breaking stigmas~
Breaking exclusiveness~
Bringing in inclusiveness~
For all who suffer affliction~
Both physical and of the mind~
I try to think myself kind~
I often fall short~
Trust I’m no saint that’s for sure~
But enough is enough I’m letting you …..now endure~
Forgive me for my in your face ways, but we all know the bill somebody pays~
Truly I strive to forgive I try to be courageous in how I now live~
Such as this is the case but I truly give thanks for Gods loving grace~
God’s grace abounds the utterance the sound of cries long gone from days long past~
To think at one time I thought Your sons love for me and his child might last~
I want to thank you for training up your child Donnell in the way he should go, so that when he gets old he will not depart from it.
So I write a lot in quiet I sit, no doubt I’m a sinner too,
But I’m sure I’m not a sinner like you~
Not for Reproduction~
Updated~Two Week Notice~yeah already~—
Dear God up above I can still feel your love…. but I’m sorry to say I must leave go away~ you called me a light worker, I can only do so much never ever figured out what is the human touch.
You blessed me with human a beautiful baby boy. I’m entrusting you to him, he is a child and yet my sin~when I try to write my book I don’t even know where to begin my life was fast like a whirlwind…and pieces scattered about and within
It’s all like a puzzle that was left in a closet hidden away, no one notice nor knew what to say
Laying by the devils side it isn’t hard to decide, he is the God of this world I now see, and I figured out the exit for me…. for any who look and choose to see, my mission complete~
So just give two weeks notice and keep the memories they serve no purpose when I’m gone. My words will live on and on. I planted seeds along the way, somehow though was led astray. So here I am Lord here I lay so I request an early judgement day.
I would do the same for my son, I would love him no matter what he may have done.
I ask in return you bless his life free of worry grief strife…. to live to laugh to love to know I can still see him from far above.
I laid by the devils side for over half my life it caused me to much pain to much strife and as a human being I’m sick of this life… I quit. Well I’m giving my two week notice as any good employee of a universal truth I must say I did enjoy my youth….. sometimes…. it reminded me I wasn’t meant for here, I was wild free and truly fierce scared of NOTHING!!!! Not even death. I couldn’t wait to take a last breath… but I endured and at times I laughed
But often rejected due to class, stereotypes, and bullshit in general full circle around but this time my Lord I leave this playground~ two weeks notice not to long to go and when I get where I’m Going please don’t say “I told you so” see ya soon!
Probably by noon
Answer I gave to Mohan S Nayaka on Quora ~what can I learn right now from the bible in 10 minutes that will be useful for the rest of my life~
Well Mohan I couldn’t resist … I believe what I’m about to say can teach everyone something in under a minute that comes from the bible. Btw it’s good to be back:) missed you. I see Eric answered similar.. I just gave the bottom line. It’s the most powerful and beautiful concept that if learned shall carry you far on your journey through life.
1 Corinthians 13:13 states this
~And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.~
But I believe that Ecclesiastes 3 New International Version (NIV)
A Time for Everything is very very enlightening
3 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
9 What do workers gain from their toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. 13 That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. 14 I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.
15 Whatever is has already been,
and what will be has been before;
and God will call the past to account.[b]
16 And I saw something else under the sun:
In the place of judgment—wickedness was there,
in the place of justice—wickedness was there.
17 I said to myself,
“God will bring into judgment
both the righteous and the wicked,
for there will be a time for every activity,
a time to judge every deed.”
18 I also said to myself, “As for humans, God tests them so that they may see that they are like the animals. 19 Surely the fate of human beings is like that of the animals; the same fate awaits them both: As one dies, so dies the other. All have the same breath[c]; humans have no advantage over animals. Everything is meaningless. 20 All go to the same place; all come from dust, and to dust all return. 21 Who knows if the human spirit rises upward and if the spirit of the animal goes down into the earth?”
22 So I saw that there is nothing better for a person than to enjoy their work, because that is their lot.For who can bring them to see what will happen after them?
May you carry this in your heart, easier said than done, but it’s true and powerful.
Thank you Mohan for the A2A
Written 12am. Asked to answer by Mohan S Nayaka.
Bipolar Tapestry~Poetic Thoughts 