Disconcerting…..Detached
Colors outside the lines
Blurry…..
This particular emotion is completely lacking…..
Lacking cohesive qualities
It’s unravelling
And the edges keep getting stuck in the door
At its most severe case it’s completely unsettling…..
And it’s weakest
Subtle anxiety
Dry mouth
Like sand mixed with cotton
Anesthetized
Clinical white
In this sterile environment
I’ll await my next dosage
Hands heavy laden
Cracked around the edges
Layered with side effects~
Not for Reproduction~
The most important things are the hardest to say~With that my soul is shattered…..Out of all things in life I’ve lost my mind is the one thing I miss the most…. so go
Catch my thoughts in between a hazy morning and a rainy afternoon~clouds are optional~ storms inevitable but most interesting indeed~given in to thoughts you now feed~oh how I’ve searched for the lost places my entire life, places where dreams drip over waterfalls…And spectacular colors
To catch the spectrum
Prisms with possibilities
A place to be home
Be with me
Wear your sin
Upon my skin
Laced around the words
That I breathe in~forever floating together in the middle of the ocean………
Lost into one another
Yet so far away~
Just as you are
How can you not see
just as you are
Is no better than me
You stood by the subway
Looking back
Your hair a mess
Where is the color
In your face
Where are you going
Why are you leaving this place?
Jeans are to big
You lost to much weight
I want you to know
Just as you are
I still love you
Drugs and all
Am I the opiate you had to leave
Was I your heart you wore on your sleeve?
Was it the cocaine fueled night
Downtown all that flair
Dancing and swinging
To the beat
Full of fire
Full of heat
If I’m your drug
Don’t detox me
I love you just as you are
See?
Our eyes glassed over we love the drugs hip hop baby like well dressed Thugs~
Feeling the textures
Giving the hugs
Drinking the water
Sweat pouring down
You were my king baby
You wore the crown
So you grab your glass of Macallan Whiskey you keep in your bar~
Take a deep sip
Then with a tip
You swallow the rest
Damn dear Darlin
This is not a test
Whiskey fueled nightmare
So where is your blue label scotch
Sure that will be next
Line of cocaine
And forget all the rest…….Of them
I sit on the benches
In Poe park
Children running
Dirty feet
Smudged faces
Where are you going
To what places
I love you just as you are
Like my Austin Sculpture art
Whimsical fantasy
Limitless treasure
How I remember
The museums
Our secrete pleasure~
I feel you used me like many before
You used them then like waddled paper on the floor~
You showed them out of your door
You were done
You took what they gave you
You had your fun
So here I sit in Poe park
Was I like them
Did you discard me
Like chewing gum
You had to taste
Then spit me out
Into the street
Where I got stuck beneath your feet?
I still love you
Just as you are
I’ll be in the park
I’ll bare the scar
My heart feels
Empty as you headed
Down the subway
You look away
I want you dear Darlin
Please stay
Sit with me on the bench
In Poe Park
We can be that sculpture
Living art
I still love you
Just as you are
Look for me when your back
I’m your brightest star
I’ll still be me
Only not free
And I’ll still love you just as you are
Not for reproduction~
~NJM~
I’m weird
I’m not of this world 🌎
The ether
I’m ethereal
I have lost
To much
The touch
The energy
The love
The essence
The Friends ……as I walked away
I lost it all
Had bills to pay
I lost my son, he is not the boy he was
And now it would seem I must accept I have lost a love I’ll never understand ……. boy to man~
So remember me and I’ll remember you….. yes I know I bit off more than I can chew
I lost the will to continue on
So I’m walking away it’s time to move on
You and I both know
You broke me
Still yet I am here
I’m gonna walk away now gotta learn somehow
You know I know you are with him
Hard headed always was
I’ll see you again in this I’m sure
Remember from this point my intentions pure
But I’m waving goodbye to you
I’m walking away now in this I know
I have to go
Walking away
Catch you on another day, time, place, or another life
These wounds cut like a knife
Looking back once more
Wish you would talk to me once Again, before I close the exit door
As…………………….. I’m
……….walking away~
Words emptied spilling
Letters jumbled
Speech of madness
Little bits of heaven scattered
All about
Smeared with indifference
Rejection and doubt
Reaching deeply
These wholes in my heart
This pain in my chest
I am starting to wonder
Where is my rest
From the thoughts, hopes
Dreams, now it’s all crying broken
Wounds scream
Still we linger
Trust you’re not letting go
It’s the feeling in my gut
The calling of my name
Summoning me from time to time
To play these awful games
Day in and out
You will always think of me
Deep beyond my rejected soul
I’m always the best you’ll ever see
It’s me that lives deep in your head my voice in your mind
You’ll never let go but trust you Will run out of time
Oh battered soul, beaten heart
Gathering the important parts
Trying to bury the bones
Sweet dignity oh blessed be
To think you walked away
Truth be told you never left
I lingered too~
NJM~
Selling yourself short Going to lengths~
Settling~
for something less~
Find your value~
Know your worth~
Never sell yourself short~
Don’t sell out~
In the end
It’s you that will lose
Selling yourself short
Giving…..
Settling
With no return
What did you give?
What is your worth?
Do you sell yourself short?
Do you feel unworthy?
Are you unaware of yourself worth?
Yourself worth is your dreams, prayers, hopes, desires, goals that is what determines your self worth.
When accepting less than that you’re selling yourself short. You’re settling.
Suppose this happens to most of us at one time or another.
Standing your ground in what you believe is part of yourself worth.
Believing in yourself worth to the point that anything less than that which you desire, you will wait,
Knowing that by standing your ground in your belief……that what was designed and destined to be is going to come to pass.
However on the twist bipolar
Dark thought, perhaps this world is not to par with yourself worth, what of this then…..hmmm dark yet still thoughts to ponder.
Anyhow the point is clear….wait if you must strive for your goal and do not sell yourself short.
Never settle!
I will be the one in the corner
Trying to not be seen
I will be the one speaking
Yet not being heard
I will be the one smiling
Yet hiding my true feelings.
I will be the one loving
Yet without understanding
I will be the one keeping my distance
Yet fearful of disconnection
I will be the one searching
Yet never to be found
I will be the one understanding
Yet never understood
I will be forever dreaming, forever hoping, praying
Yet judging it all
I will be the one fighting my cause
Yet struggling to maintain
I will be the one to determine
Yet what I will be~
NJM~
I want someone to love, to love me as I love them.I want someone passionate for me forever,now and way beyond the end. I want to breath the air they breath. I want someone who’s touch sends electricity through my body and up my spine, gives me goose bumps from the thoughts of what we do alone behind closed doors, Is it asking to much for them to feel the same maybe even more? I am not up for anymore games…..
I want to feel the adrenaline rush, I’m sure they do too…especially when the adrenaline rush is made by me and hopefully you(whoever you are)
I want a key you see made exactly to fit into you and you into me. Lacking in nothing complete oh so sweet, so cunning yet Devine the love we can make for the rest of time. I want someone to be like rolling thunder and crashing waves against me and my skin ….their skin….Us between the sheets,outside the sheets, I want to roll and crash and ride the waves with them. I want to experience something beautiful and unknown together. Shared with no other.I want someone to make me feel safe in their arms to feel safe from all harm.
I want them to feel safe with me and know I would walk to hell and back if I had too just for them to see.
I want someone who will not lie to me or hide things from me and Who will not be a drunk.
I don’t want to lie to them either don’t want no reason too. All emotional drama and junk be gone from my life, don’t need the discord don’t need the strife.
I want someone to hold my hand. I want to hold their hand too…….. until we are old until we leave this earth.
I want someone who won’t leave me,to believe in me, believe in my worth, as I will do for them.I want someone who will honor and respect me till the end. An ever burning fire, I want a relationship that won’t expire…..
I won’t ever leave them. Even in the after life and beyond we will dance that cosmic dance…..with my best friend my lover my heart.
This is what I want. This is where it starts….Now the standard I’ve set perhaps makes it a possible fact that you don’t exist that’s why we never met, maybe I’ve said all this because I don’t believe you exist, if you don’t exist then I can’t get hurt, and to me that’s smart, I’ll live trying to hold on to what’s left of my heart.
However………. the fact of the matter is not settling for nothing less , nothing less than best. To be clear without fear I often wonder if you are very near…. or perhaps you’re so far away and today is not the day it may be another….. well
I want someone that’s the total package too, as I’m sure you want that as well.
Tell me Is that someone you?
If it is I have waited my whole life for you as you have for me.
May our love be forever may we always be, happy, healthy, prosperous loving and free. Never wanting , always fulfilled.
To bad you can’t get this in a pill.
NJM~
Not For Reproduction ~
My love surpasses your understanding Oh beauty so raw
I see the bits
Pieces
Others miss
It’s the bits
Others miss
That makes me love you
It’s the intellect that captures
The primal quality
You Polished
Beautifully
Shining
It’s why
Bipolar Tapestry~Poetic Thoughts 