~Bipolar,The Unique Truth about the illness and my theories~

First I urge you the reader to watch a movie called “Touched by Fire” with Katie Holmes… the depiction of the two characters bring this post together. They are two bipolar individuals that’s all I will say. Watch it.

Bipolar the unique truth
Truth is there are many bipolar people with a unique gifts of art, it springs forth from our well to bring to life what we hope others will get, will understand.
I write poetry through my heart

My veins, my brain. Some other bipolar people paint, some sing, some Dance, some sculpt, and others like me, the countless thousands that write.
I consider myself a warrior fighting a cause trying to educate and break mental health stigma I also bring my demons out to display for all to see. That’s pretty ugly and unique. Hang it all out, air the bullshit I fester in at times, don’t we all?
Here is the thing, even warriors get weary and tired, and at times may even feel defeated.
I feel this as I write it, however by days end I’ll feel completely opposite I will feel empowered.
You may be a bipolar person, however every one of us is so unique so very unique.

I have been told all my

Life I have a switch, like a light switch that goes off if I’m done such as with let’s say …chemical addiction I am addicted for awhile to some drugs as an example. Cocaine, ecstasy, acid that kind of stuff I did at various times of my life, only to put it down. Still down over 15 years or more to this point and I pray it will always stick, it has thus far.
Now Mary Jane is like a best friend that I can hug goodbye, then check up on Mary Jane and alas, we have a long visit. Then I hug her again. Only to keep visiting.
Longest I ever told Mary Jane see you later I didn’t see her for 5 years….. that’s along time.
I’m similar with cigarettes but I have never been a real lifer for cigarettes.
I pick those up during stressful times. Like a switch I turn it back off till it illuminates again and the switch is turned on….. hey maybe it’s a glitch…

Today is the full moon. The moon affects bipolar people.
Say what you will, the cosmic energy changes the ebb and the flow of the ocean and pulls stronger because we are closer to our moon. If it affects a huge ocean then I view it as ……how much more can it affect us little humans. I mean come on it’s pulling an ocean sitting by us you think it don’t affect us, Ha. Ok.
Anyway these are my theories. Adopt them as your own if it rings true. Examine it if it doesn’t.
For some the full moon energizes their soul, others melancholia, others deep depression.
It is a shackle. I have theories about mental illness for a very long time. We live in a multidimensional world.
I often wondered if the mentally ill are tapping into the other dimensions the ones that others can’t hear, see, or feel.

I have others who have witnessed phenomena in me with regard to two things, first I seem to affect electrical currents in my area around me lights and such . Second the ability to tell you about something important that is gonna happen if you’re close to me.

This has been witnessed and many can tell you, yep she does.
This only started again, notice I said again, yes again after 3 years. See I was away around lies and deceit for the duration of my marriages, I listened and bought into the lies …. then I broke free after my divorce…for the last three years of my life, I stopped listening to lies, I’m in what I call a spiritual cleanse zone.
I can do things others can’t or maybe they can I haven’t met them yet, do you have phenomena too? just like I have , are you bipolar and have a phenomenon like myself which only adds to what I feel is extremely unique.
I had gifts when I was younger and not tainted by this world nor afflicted with atrocious disease of the mind. I prayed and meditated for hours in nature back then. My gifts at its apex. But years of hearing and buying into those lies affected my gifts. We all have some kinda strange gift if you tap into it.
Removing yourself from all lies or to recognize lies(spirit bares witness to others) the lies others speak you will and can know. But how do you know if they are lying?
For me It’s a silent “I know”.A feeling a sensation I pick up on.
Sometimes it’s just a quick whispers brief then gone.
This is me. This is how I am navigating my outer worldly experience. The queue’s I receive.
I don’t dabble in dark arts. My mother did. She was sought after on the bayous of Louisiana. People come from all over the bayou to see her. To hear what she had to say.
She then had a change of heart made me burn all my albums( so long ago lol albums) all my records.
I couldn’t wear pants anymore and I got to go to 6 th grade at a weird school from the church she joined. It was Like a mixture of Assembly of God or Pentecostal type of practice.
Yet I survived my crazy ass formidable young years as best I could, well that was until I revolted and got married at 14.
I was rebellious, against the grain. I think that was a charismatic draw when I was younger I had a few select friends.
Wherever we went, when we arrived the party started and most flocked to me it flowed… it was a powerful feeling.
So see yours may be different it’s why I have given you a quick narrative of my life.
So how are the meds going? Well? What was your cost? Mine was feelings, eyesight, weight, rapid weight gain. A few more add on’s.
My meds are Lamictal, Serquel, Clonopin. Not to mention pain meds for another condition.
Cool fact I’ve only had three cavities. My mom was big about brushing my damn teeth.
Hey! I have a bright smile. That is if I’m not in one of the many moods that flow through me every hour. Yes every hour.
See another difference. My Mind is in a variation or some would say rapid cycle.
Yours may be still, constant depressed, or you could be in a full blown manic episode.
In order to make any stride In Breaking stigma we must begin to be honest with ourselves.
We walk blindly sometimes through a day our thoughts jumbled.
But are we living our truth, bearing the scars and being open about your unique illness and the unique art it invokes in you.
Can we all feel empowered always, the answer is No. however we can strive, press onward.
For us our creativity and our illness make us so unique, so let your colors out and color outside the lines.
Don’t be afraid, we all have at one time or another. However, this is coming from someone who has had a rough ride getting to this place of complete honesty.
A place to tell my story without fear. Worry about nothing, care about most things, leave the rest behind. That’s my quote…
Thanks for stopping in and reading my post.
Have a beautiful day and watch out for our full moon tonight!

~DAR~Updated

Hello how you feeling today We ended the month of May

While you were yet away

Doctors seem stupid in light of it all, I’ve watched for so long now saw how you fall

Hello my dear enemy my oldest friend half our lives are now gone this could be your end

I’m not going to sugar coat nor

Make it taste sweet, see we both shocked each other before

Knocked us off our feet.

I will always be here for you while I am here. There can’t be a promise no matter what you think you hear.

I realize now we both live our biggest fear.

I’m glad we found peace after all that fucked up shit.

I know you want to take back all the things you did, I want to forgive you but I did, I just don’t forget.

Knowing this is always going to be regret…. for us both.

We grew up together then grew far apart.

I hope they can heal you and your heart, yes it’s broken in many ways. 

But if they release you from the hospital now then count your days.

So we have your diagnosis congestive heart failure. You’re biggest challenge now is will God be in your favors, or will you dies in your 40’s like I once said,

If this is the case you are gonna be dead.

I am what I’ve become

And I have not a clue what I’ll be

But I have a clearer vision now and I see what I see.

Everyone deserves love in some type of way.

I pray to God you find that love before your dying day.

That’s what I pray

It’s all I have to say

Be well~

He needs you more.

Rejected like me don’t let him be. So live damn it, live change what you need. Think of your son now, let go of the greed.

I hope you read this and it plants the seed.

~NJM~

~Gone Are The Days Of True Christians and True Churches~ Test Of Faith~

So I recently spoke about returning to church. Before I expound upon that event and events after this I want to speak a bit about what is on my heart.

While in the hospital (baker acted) I met a girl, she was in there for a suicide attempt. Her arms were sliced both at the wrist and above where doctors normally take blood. Her cuts required stitches.

There is a sense of loneliness felt in situations such as mine, such as hers. You feel there is no one, its why people attempt suicide. Suicide is away to stop feeling alone, alone around others, alone in the crowd, alone even though you are around ones you love, even when they don’t return the respect are love you give freely.

I’ve written a bit about suicide. I’ve attempted it a few time in my life. I still feel it takes balls to try to truly take your life at your chosen time. Why? lots of reasons. As much faith I have in God, there will always be doubt about the after life, hell, heaven, reincarnation, so forth so on…..even the thoughts of “this is it” this life begins and ends period. This is where faith steps in.

So when the girl saw me crying she came to me, arms wrapped and stitched where she sliced them with a razor blade. She hugged me and held my hand when No One else did. I don’t have much to offer anyone at this point of my life, I am living in a soon to be foreclosed home, and I just found out Friday that my future ex cancelled my auto policy. I was listed as a driver. Nothing new, he uses these same attempts to crush me, to hurt me each time events similar such as these have unfolded the last 4 years, injunctions put in place like I am the one trying to hurt him, yet he takes and takes from me, all the times when he was down and at his lowest I lifted him up.. Hell I woke on the 10th of this month to no electricity. Not because the bill was not paid, oh no. I paid the bill, however it was in his name and he shut it down. Again nothing new.

I began to ask the girl why she attempted suicide, she shared her story with me. She would be homeless upon release from the hospital. She was in an abusive relationship, and it dissolved leaving her without a home for her and her dog and two bearded dragons name Slyvia  and Drako.

I then told her that she was welcomed to come to my soon to be foreclosed home. I was released before her. The next day my door bell rang. It was the girl. She had 140$ from her last paycheck, no job because of the events, no clothes except the ones on her back, and just a purse.

At first I felt apprehension. I didn’t really know her. I had large issues of my own to deal with. But I extended the offer she had nowhere to go, so I allowed her to stay.The following day I took her to the house where she used to live to get her things(There was only a few boxes) and her dog Bandit and her two bearded dragons. We loaded her belongings and her pets and returned to my home(soon to be sold due to foreclosure).

I thought to myself how in the hell will I feed us, I had limited funds and issues of my own to deal with. I still have the same issues to deal with. Go figure.

Four weeks later she was still here no job. I took her to the library daily to do applications online( pretty much every thing is done online today)I called the church many in fact. I found NO Church that would help her, no shelters. I couldn’t keep feeding her and allowing the extra electricity to be used.

I called the church I had been attending and the Pastor said and I quote “we can give her 100$ this would get her out of my home”. Wow. So I am going to drop her and her pets at a shabby hotel with no money except the 100$ the pastor gave to pay for the 2 nights to “get her out my home” wow right, just Great. I am dealing with my crap and her crap too. Awesome. Lets double worry Yay.

I awoke the next day called my sponsor from NA and she said “Nicole some things reach beyond you, you’ve done all you can, You must take care of you.” Made sense, I didn’t like the thought of what I needed to do. I had to tell her I could no longer help her I must focus on my situation and did not need the added stress.

So I informed her that I could no longer help her…She had no job and had a few interviews but no call backs. I prayed that day both with her and by myself for the strength and hopelessness of the situation. As I cried both for myself and her and her pets. I decided to call my sponsor for counsel once again. As I was crying and telling her how I felt the phone rang. I didn’t answer it, for I was on the phone with my sponsor.

The calls were two jobs, thats right two jobs offers for her. I had prayed with her that day, and that day something great happened, God came through at the last minute. She is at work now as I write this. The job is walking distance. I explained to her that she can stay here until she gets two paychecks to supplement that large offering( said with sarcasm} from the church, you know the one, that 100$.

So now the point of this story. I left churches like that back 18 years ago because I saw more and more materialistic endeavors, more worldly desires and a sense of hypocrisy.  The bible states clearly to be not of the world nor the things of the world…But More and more churches are now like businesses.Gone are the days of what Jesus had in mind when he said “do unto others as you want done to you, if your brother or sister need food feed them, if the need cloths, give them the shirt from your back. Be charitable be christ like. I don’t think Jesus had in mind that the big fancy church that I attended, where many wealthy people praised and worshiped “God” was his vision.  I originally thought when they knocked at my door “hey good christian people” however they were in a subdivision where my beautiful 250,000$ dollar home was, any many other bigger homes as well. The red flag didn’t occur until I began to think…..they were in a neighborhood where upper middle class live, where they can preach the spirit of tithing that 10% of your salary. No they were not in the projects knocking on doors, or poor neighborhoods. I suppose it finally hit me .They look for their kind, the kind that have money and can add riches to their pockets. Charlatans I believe is a suited term.

So I am back at square one. I still have faith in my God, notice I say my God…I don’t serve the God hypocrites serve. I am trying my best to help even in my hour of need.

What I am saying is that what Jesus had in mind was charity, love, sacrifice. Not building large churches that the rich can praise and worship a God that is not of Christ.

I texted the pastor today, I told him that the check they wrote for her to stay at the roach motel would not be cashed, that she actually got a job so I don’t have to “just get her out of my house”. I told him I have been faced with homeless situations of my own, and I could never do that to another human being although it seems many others can.

He Never texted back. I mean why would he, people such as myself and her represent the truth and sad situations that make Christians such as those uncomfortable. We tarnish their “all is prosperous and everything is perfect world”.

The Church is you, the Church is me. Want to be a missionary? Then look around right here in the USA! There is a need right here, you don’t have to travel to far to reach those in true need. Those souls out there that are ignored because their troubles make you uncomfortable, they are the truth that we would rather ignore.

Gone are the days of the true church, the charitable church. The funny thing is that St Timothy’s Catholic Church offered more help both to me an my friend and we have never attended their church.

Tomorrow, well actually today is Sunday, I will be in church right here in my home, and I will be tithing alright, my tithing will be the offering of my self to others in need.

I don’t know which God you serve, but I can tell you this I don’t serve a commercialized God, oh no, indeed I try and walk in a Christ like spirit, regardless of the trails I face both now and later. I hope for anyone reading this to come out of your comfort zone and remember that the message of Jesus was that of Love, acceptance, charity, helping those less fortunate.

Truly Gone are the days of a true Church, always remember you are the church, the temple of the holy spirit, the example. The greatest testimony is your life and how you live, how you give, how you love. That is what Jesus had in mind.

Be an example, be different, don’t worry about what others think of you, worry only about what counts. What counts in the end it is between you and God, so make your life and testimony count. Go be a missionary right in your town, city, your country.

That is faith, that is love, that is Church, now go live it. Pray, talk with God as you would talk with another human being. Yell if you must, lay your burdens down, always pray. Prayer changes things that need to be changed, and try to keep your feet upon the path God wants you to travel. Lord knows I’ve strayed enough.

Peace. God bless. NJM~

 

~I logged into her account~

he said twice on the stand…”I logged into her account” I’m sorry Mr.Raley did you just say you logged into her account and that anyone anywhere can jump IP addresses? ” well I logged into her account and…… …. I meant I went to her account stumbles on words…. Dialogue from court yesterday.

Oh yeah because I had an affair back in 1999 with Larry. I made him become an alcoholic. That’s right folks I’m the all powerful able to override your accountability. Wow I caused you, because you have no mind of your own is that it? Ok.

Seriously you were an alcoholic bulimic psycho thief since 1993. See you at the next hearingšŸ˜€
Thank you God!!!!!

To all naysayers and those who kicked me under the bus… God’s got my back, who’s got yours?