~I’ll Always be~Mystery….My words…I did not put this here~

I’ll always be wanting the unrequited love~

I’ll always be the piece that don’t fit~

I’ll always be looking for that character defect to see, if it exist in you then it also exist in me~

I’ll always hurry with no place to rest~

I’ll always be able to run with the best~

I’ll always be watching, looking. But I will not settle.

Perhaps my soul is turning into metal. Heart made of steal, maybe baby I’m to damn real.

I’ll always will believe there is a God~

I’ll always have illness of the mind this makes it hard to find my kind~

I’ll always fall into dick sand if I’m not watchful of intent. Where the hell this one went~

I’ll always try to discipline my self in ways many won’t understand~

I’ll remain celibate and untouched even by me till I find that man~

I’ll buy a beach shack if he never shows up, pour my coffee in my cup work on my Novels and be married to Neptune king of the sea, on the shoreline walking that’s where I’ll always be~

Small excerpt upcoming book ~1017 Cypress Street~piece from Chapter 3~Secret Places~this post was hacked!

Eyes dilated,that tacky icky feeling churned in her stomach just as the rain and wind blew outside the window all Of which were remnants of the hurricane Katrina… Similar to her own life and that feeling that damn feeling you know the one…. “The bottom will fall out at any minute” kind of feeling she lived with that feeling always tucked in corners of her mind, waiting to torment her just as this storms moving slow so did her thoughts , and like a drop of water that taps the sink in the back ground….. Her thoughts drifted in the back of her mind she thought I should be calling around to find her brothers, which by the way she felt very off putting trying to do so. Instead She let her thoughts drift to a time in her childhood where she was in love with her cousin Nicoli. Wherever Nicoli was Noel was right by him. She wanted him, his approval and attention so much, she would do about anything he asked of her. They grew up together, saw each other every weekend when her Dad picked her up for his weekend visits with her. Her thoughts began to drift off to when she was 7and her cousin was 12. Looking back oh so far back She now realized that he used her and her innocence for his curiosity.
She let him brush her hair. He loved her hair. Then we have the magazines she would smuggle to her cousins house from her Dad’s house each weekend. Penthouse and Playboy.
Nicoli and Josh , (Josh was Nicoli’s younger brother and Noels other unfavorable cousin,) they couldn’t wait for her arrival since She carried the contraband they had no worries. Her Dad had so many magazines 20 missing wouldn’t be noticed.
Nicoli wanted to know about what he saw in these playboy magazine so

who fucked with this damn post either Will or will or someone who is close stop hacking the blog or wake up the damn witch in me. You know I need no technology to reach you now don’t we? You would know more than anyone.

~ Lacking Feeling~

Disappearing into your gravity

can’t help it,

It raddled my mind

shakes my existence to the core

Yet in the place I am. I desire more

More than the justice lacking

The people slacking

Cyber hacking

Only a bleak

Shell of someone

Something

Happening

Hanging by a tread

Attached still the needle

Somehow won’t let go

Yet the needle will not yield

Any useful artifact

Lacking form

Without

Feeling~

~Mardi Gras~Fat Tuesday~The Big Easy~

Mardi Gras

skies hued

yellow, purple, green aglow

The sounds clamoring

Fighting to outdo

each musical note

Debris in the streets

Faces smeared

Drunken flow

Dancing in flight

Cheap trinkets flying

Dashing, fighting, grinding

And then it fades

Leaving, lingering

Till next year we float~

Not for reproduction

~NJM

NJM~Personal Quotes~

Sometimes festering in your own shit,covered inherently in your ignorant deceit may you look in the mirror & realize it’s time to come clean~

~Bipolar,The Unique Truth about the illness and my theories~

First I urge you the reader to watch a movie called “Touched by Fire” with Katie Holmes… the depiction of the two characters bring this post together. They are two bipolar individuals that’s all I will say. Watch it.

Bipolar the unique truth
Truth is there are many bipolar people with a unique gifts of art, it springs forth from our well to bring to life what we hope others will get, will understand.
I write poetry through my heart

My veins, my brain. Some other bipolar people paint, some sing, some Dance, some sculpt, and others like me, the countless thousands that write.
I consider myself a warrior fighting a cause trying to educate and break mental health stigma I also bring my demons out to display for all to see. That’s pretty ugly and unique. Hang it all out, air the bullshit I fester in at times, don’t we all?
Here is the thing, even warriors get weary and tired, and at times may even feel defeated.
I feel this as I write it, however by days end I’ll feel completely opposite I will feel empowered.
You may be a bipolar person, however every one of us is so unique so very unique.

I have been told all my

Life I have a switch, like a light switch that goes off if I’m done such as with let’s say …chemical addiction I am addicted for awhile to some drugs as an example. Cocaine, ecstasy, acid that kind of stuff I did at various times of my life, only to put it down. Still down over 15 years or more to this point and I pray it will always stick, it has thus far.
Now Mary Jane is like a best friend that I can hug goodbye, then check up on Mary Jane and alas, we have a long visit. Then I hug her again. Only to keep visiting.
Longest I ever told Mary Jane see you later I didn’t see her for 5 years….. that’s along time.
I’m similar with cigarettes but I have never been a real lifer for cigarettes.
I pick those up during stressful times. Like a switch I turn it back off till it illuminates again and the switch is turned on….. hey maybe it’s a glitch…

Today is the full moon. The moon affects bipolar people.
Say what you will, the cosmic energy changes the ebb and the flow of the ocean and pulls stronger because we are closer to our moon. If it affects a huge ocean then I view it as ……how much more can it affect us little humans. I mean come on it’s pulling an ocean sitting by us you think it don’t affect us, Ha. Ok.
Anyway these are my theories. Adopt them as your own if it rings true. Examine it if it doesn’t.
For some the full moon energizes their soul, others melancholia, others deep depression.
It is a shackle. I have theories about mental illness for a very long time. We live in a multidimensional world.
I often wondered if the mentally ill are tapping into the other dimensions the ones that others can’t hear, see, or feel.

I have others who have witnessed phenomena in me with regard to two things, first I seem to affect electrical currents in my area around me lights and such . Second the ability to tell you about something important that is gonna happen if you’re close to me.

This has been witnessed and many can tell you, yep she does.
This only started again, notice I said again, yes again after 3 years. See I was away around lies and deceit for the duration of my marriages, I listened and bought into the lies …. then I broke free after my divorce…for the last three years of my life, I stopped listening to lies, I’m in what I call a spiritual cleanse zone.
I can do things others can’t or maybe they can I haven’t met them yet, do you have phenomena too? just like I have , are you bipolar and have a phenomenon like myself which only adds to what I feel is extremely unique.
I had gifts when I was younger and not tainted by this world nor afflicted with atrocious disease of the mind. I prayed and meditated for hours in nature back then. My gifts at its apex. But years of hearing and buying into those lies affected my gifts. We all have some kinda strange gift if you tap into it.
Removing yourself from all lies or to recognize lies(spirit bares witness to others) the lies others speak you will and can know. But how do you know if they are lying?
For me It’s a silent “I know”.A feeling a sensation I pick up on.
Sometimes it’s just a quick whispers brief then gone.
This is me. This is how I am navigating my outer worldly experience. The queue’s I receive.
I don’t dabble in dark arts. My mother did. She was sought after on the bayous of Louisiana. People come from all over the bayou to see her. To hear what she had to say.
She then had a change of heart made me burn all my albums( so long ago lol albums) all my records.
I couldn’t wear pants anymore and I got to go to 6 th grade at a weird school from the church she joined. It was Like a mixture of Assembly of God or Pentecostal type of practice.
Yet I survived my crazy ass formidable young years as best I could, well that was until I revolted and got married at 14.
I was rebellious, against the grain. I think that was a charismatic draw when I was younger I had a few select friends.
Wherever we went, when we arrived the party started and most flocked to me it flowed… it was a powerful feeling.
So see yours may be different it’s why I have given you a quick narrative of my life.
So how are the meds going? Well? What was your cost? Mine was feelings, eyesight, weight, rapid weight gain. A few more add on’s.
My meds are Lamictal, Serquel, Clonopin. Not to mention pain meds for another condition.
Cool fact I’ve only had three cavities. My mom was big about brushing my damn teeth.
Hey! I have a bright smile. That is if I’m not in one of the many moods that flow through me every hour. Yes every hour.
See another difference. My Mind is in a variation or some would say rapid cycle.
Yours may be still, constant depressed, or you could be in a full blown manic episode.
In order to make any stride In Breaking stigma we must begin to be honest with ourselves.
We walk blindly sometimes through a day our thoughts jumbled.
But are we living our truth, bearing the scars and being open about your unique illness and the unique art it invokes in you.
Can we all feel empowered always, the answer is No. however we can strive, press onward.
For us our creativity and our illness make us so unique, so let your colors out and color outside the lines.
Don’t be afraid, we all have at one time or another. However, this is coming from someone who has had a rough ride getting to this place of complete honesty.
A place to tell my story without fear. Worry about nothing, care about most things, leave the rest behind. That’s my quote…
Thanks for stopping in and reading my post.
Have a beautiful day and watch out for our full moon tonight!

~NJM~ Quotes~

Your life is not yours, it is a series of events you walk through blindly.Deceiving yourself thinking your eyes were open~that’s truth~NJM~

Lyrics of One of Another Fave old Songs~Stevie Nicks a.k.a the White Witch~Landslide~ with link~

In the concert she dedicates the song to her Daddy…. although not In Lyrics if you have the original album it starts off “this is for you daddy” which indicates she was very close to her daddy and how he loved~ enjoy~

~This ones for you Daddy~

I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around

And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills

‘Til the landslide brought it down

Oh, mirror in the sky

What is love?

Can the child within my heart rise above?

Can I sail through the changin’ ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I’ve been afraid of changin’

‘Cause I’ve built my life around you

But time makes you bolder

Even children get older

And I’m getting older, too

Well, I’ve been afraid of changin’

‘Cause I’ve built my life around you

But time makes you bolder

Even children get older

And I’m getting older, too

Oh, I’m getting older, too

I took my love, I took it down

I climbed a mountain and I turned around

And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills

Well the landslide will bring it down

And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills

Well the landslide will bring it down

Oh, the landslide will bring it down

Songwriters: Stevie Nicks

https://youtu.be/lI95V20Tixo
Landslide lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

~The Past~

I pull away. You’ve hurt me. There is nothing that will ever heal it completely.

My soul is dim, all due to him… You.

But all in all I love you too.

Love doesn’t live in digits it surpasses age, transcends boundaries . Number are numbers. Pick one.

That simple~Always.~

Ttys.

~DAR~Updated

Hello how you feeling today We ended the month of May

While you were yet away

Doctors seem stupid in light of it all, I’ve watched for so long now saw how you fall

Hello my dear enemy my oldest friend half our lives are now gone this could be your end

I’m not going to sugar coat nor

Make it taste sweet, see we both shocked each other before

Knocked us off our feet.

I will always be here for you while I am here. There can’t be a promise no matter what you think you hear.

I realize now we both live our biggest fear.

I’m glad we found peace after all that fucked up shit.

I know you want to take back all the things you did, I want to forgive you but I did, I just don’t forget.

Knowing this is always going to be regret…. for us both.

We grew up together then grew far apart.

I hope they can heal you and your heart, yes it’s broken in many ways. 

But if they release you from the hospital now then count your days.

So we have your diagnosis congestive heart failure. You’re biggest challenge now is will God be in your favors, or will you dies in your 40’s like I once said,

If this is the case you are gonna be dead.

I am what I’ve become

And I have not a clue what I’ll be

But I have a clearer vision now and I see what I see.

Everyone deserves love in some type of way.

I pray to God you find that love before your dying day.

That’s what I pray

It’s all I have to say

Be well~

He needs you more.

Rejected like me don’t let him be. So live damn it, live change what you need. Think of your son now, let go of the greed.

I hope you read this and it plants the seed.

~NJM~