~In the Grey~It’s Where I’ll Stay~

I’m in the grey…….
Grey Chasm swallows
I’m in the grey it’s where I’ll stay for now
I will not attempt to move quickly
Nor will I be rushed
Do I fascinate?
Do I invoke fear? Hate?
Perfectly negate?
Am I your guilty pleasure…
Is there no distance yet to measure?
I’ll create my walls
Build my tower strong
Brick by brick no matter how long
Exterior crusted over with
Innuendos and regret
I’m in the grey
I will not be pulled away
In this Chasm I will stay
Until I decide, until that day
You can not reach me… There is no definitive here
No truth or lie
If I want to stay until I die
It’s then a matter of choice
The beauty of my grey instilled in me a voice
Slowly it drips…..spill forth from my lips
Turning my words to black and white
Finally to distinguish which is wrong and which is right
But I shall not take flight oh no, I will move slowly with precision
At the end of the day it’s my decision
For now I’m in the grey area
Safely in my tower, walls erected
While my thoughts become collective
Selective
In the grey

~Contemptuous~

Disillusions exist ~
For everyone
Burdened by that emotion
Heavy
The sickness in my mind
Never Giving full rest
Cluttered thoughts
Watered down relation
Diluted
Indifference lurks
Total intolerance
Superficial people
Words contentious in meaning
Nothing said that’s profound
Dimly lit corner I will sit
Festering my disdain~

Not for Reproduction

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~Stigma~ 

Smeared dullness

Catatonic stare

That’s what they think

Washed out color

Long halls painted grey

Not a door insight

Ideas out of focus

Stifling, confusing

Lack luster,  incredulous

emotions …….Clawing away the life fingers scraping their nails jagged and bloody, threads unravelling.. like the sound of a chalk board being scratched.

That’s what stigma, bias does isolates you.

Yet I exist Wrapped inside this cocoon~

Generic and uncategorized yet longing to be labeled and in a category ~ oh wait, I am… I fall under stigma mental illness under my skin, unseen yet relentless in my mind there are millions of my kind.

One size fits all as long as that size is extra large as to swallow my frame,as well as yours.

Swallowing my existence whole~

Preferably invisible~

Left unseen~

To myself~

Designated ~

As is~NJM

~I Will Be the One~NJM~

I will be the one in the corner

Trying to not be seen

I will be the one speaking

Yet not being heard

I will be the one smiling

Yet hiding my true feelings.

I will be the one loving

Yet without understanding

I will be the one keeping my distance

Yet fearful of disconnection

I will be the one searching

Yet never to be found

I will be the one understanding

Yet never understood

I will be forever dreaming, forever hoping, praying

Yet judging it all

I will be the one fighting my cause

Yet struggling to maintain

I will be the one to determine

Yet what I will be~

NJM~

~Perimeters~

Standoffish aloof
Not looking at you~

Perimeters~

Coordinates
Bubbles of glass with precise measures
Encasing
Protecting
Inviting Safety
Each equation
Etching the space
The fine area deemed just my space
Slowing building up walls
Curves edges and all
A saving grace …….before another…….yes again a setback, another fall
Drawing fine lines
Marking each point
Thoughts are layers, times frames~
The nexus holding the perimeters together
Wondering if you could ever……yes ever
Believe yet again in another
Even further still nothing is forever…….
Forever the same each second each moment bring about change
Bending each thought and molding each frame ~
Believing this time it will not be the same
But perimeters falter & twist & wind and morph like a darkness acting often unkind ~
Life is an altered course it unfolds into time a commodity given the day you were born but perimeters weaken
Coordinates torn ~
All the while strategy in progress to save what is left of the holes in my heart and pain in my chest~
Perimeters are guild lines I lacked for to long, but I learned this the hard way like any over played song
Boundaries blanket me safely from harm
I no longer lay upon your loved arm~
I no longer listen to your heart beat~
I no longer feel~
Perhaps I do feel a bit for another~
But time Will only put our coordinates together
Although I lack in certain knowledge in subjects not taught
I’ll still invade your mind I’ll still be in your heart
Can’t help what I know not what I feel but
Perimeters took those it was those it did steal~
I’m trying to self preserve trying to heal
My perimeters are unique & my numbers are mine
Circumference of my thoughts etched and in place I’ll think long and hard before I look upon another face~
So know if you ever tried to understand me or tried to break Through and let me let you in
My plan is to not feel this way yet again~
Still Plans often change lives rearranged
These measure are precise and I can carefully prepare to slice to dice the hurt and pain~
To continue this path
Retract & Refrain~

~What’s The Joke?~

What did you say? Laughter bursting

This elated feeling euphoric in style

Transforms emotions into a smile

Bubbly resonance erupts from within

Leaving less of a smile but a shit eating grin

There is a secret I keep a joke so to speak.

If I shared with you then its not mine to keep.

So you’re gonna just have to wonder

that’s all you can do.

Whether the joke is on me or the joke is on you~

Not for Reproduction~

NJM

~Another Day~

Another day
Is gone~
Melts into history
Of what is you and me….. Others
There is no going back~
Even more another day could be Tomorrow a step forward
Could be filled with sorrow
Or joy and laughter~
Another day
I may see you and you may see me
But life is fragile and one of us could Die, each day people die~
Another day went by slowly or so fast It blurs~
Another day a newborn enters the world and grows onward into another Day~
Another day to reschedule
To procrastinate negotiate ~
Another day to build upon to Strengthen that which you work upon~
Another day could change your life Within an instant~
Alter all you have come to know
Another day is what it is
A day that will lapse into or out of Another day~
Another day is a reference
Associated with a 24 hour time frame~
Another day could have passed or Could be the future because either way it will be another day~
Another day we can plan to do Anything we wish to do on another day~
Another day you sickened me your True identity, your lies and games, From another day~
Further still on another day
I loved you, but another day changed That, it made me love you stronger
Hope praying to be together longer Than another day~
Another day I’ll get to hold you at Least I hope to hold you another day And all days that tie into another day~
Another day I’m one step closer or I’m Farther away yet into another day~
Another day is the most you can Hope for, or it could be lost~
Another day to count the cost~
Another day came and went
Another day spent~
To live to see another day or watch The last one slip away~

~NJM~
Not for reproduction~

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~I’m Sure~

In this silence there is rest
In the knowing I confess
The sum of the difference makes no sense
Be diligent,fight~
Do not go quietly into the night
Press forward push ahead
Until all these fears are gone, dead~
Find peace release
When the darkness begins to cloud
Be loud, find your voice~
That’s where you have a choice
Believe, know that love prevails
In all of the above you will not fail
Find rest and remember this life is but a test
To greater things we belong
Endure… this too shall pass of this I’m sure~

~NJM~

~Life’s Blossom~

Like a flower unfolding
Slowly without notice
The blossom full bloom

Was always there the flower
Blossom full bloom
Like a firecracker released into the sky suspended

Gentle and soft petals drip rain
The foreboding rain of life’s cruelty
Flower of earth,color, so beautiful

Picked and trimmed and put aside in a vase. Time is short now life can sustain only when grounded to earth

Picked trimmed put aside as a spectacle, of beauty, fragility, and untimely death, death is never timely
But is inevitable…..

Wilting as each day brings to a close the mortality the death of something so amazing and beautiful~

Not For Reproduction~

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~I See You~

I see you
You’re in my vision
Every place, every face
Reminds me
I see you
In my mind, my dreams
Awaken thoughts
I see you
Around corners, great distance
The sky
I see you
Up close, far away
From the window
I see you
When I close my eyes, then open them again
In the lyrics of songs
I see you
I hope, pray, live my life each day
Wishing, wanting
I see you
In every picture, every glance
This seeing is not by chance
Ingrained in me that’s what you are
I see you
I see you and wonder when
I’ll truly see you again
In everything, every place, every face
Haunting, always wanting
I see you
Always~

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