~My Muse~

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Muse where art thou my beloved muse

Such cruelty to leave me dry and brittle lacking all creativity

Daily you fed me inspiration

From the fountain of your mystique, your enigmatic presence prevails

Calls to my soul write for this night for each day you grow old

Celebrate your magnificent influence in my life

Take solace in the knowledge of your completing my life 

You were the sweetest of lovers

The spirit of truth 

My love, my dear my fountain of youth~

Muse you may go if you must

Another muse will come along shortly in this you can trust~

Not for reproduction~

  

~I Could Have~

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I could stay here unmoved paralyzed
Caught between two places three faces
I could pray till my dying day
I could have so little or way to much to say
There are many things that could be done
Many battles to be won
But I always seem to surrender when it comes down to one ….. Battle
And they know, they know. Both warned. If one checked out the other left off. It could be that way forever
It could if I let it
It could if I would
It could because mostly both my life and my thoughts are misunderstood
It could be different if I chose
It could fade away I suppose
It could be this or it could be that
It could all be a matter of fact
It should
It could
It would
If only
Could

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~Silence~Sshh~

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Listen?What do you hear?

Silence….

So profound it speaks all its beautiful quiet self~

Listen?

What do you hear?

Water dripping in the fountain~

The soothing repetitive sound~

But Silence is now were I’ll be found~

So let the sounds drown out  & blow the gentle wind~

The unseen breeze tickling my chin~

The sun glistening through the leaves

Peaking at me in silence

Kissing me from afar

This silence is my refuge

It defines my personal need

To listen only if I want

Perhaps you listen to the deafening

Silence that belongs to me and you

While we both await to see each other again~

I know silence is my friend

By my side until the end

Ssshhh

Quiet now

Silence~

~ Undeniable~

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Disappearing into your gravity can’t help it,

Spinning awkwardly

You raddled my mind 

shaking my existence to the core

Yet in the place I am, I desire more

More than the justice lacking

The people slacking

Cyber hacking

Only a bleak

Shell of someone

Something

Happening

Hanging by a thread

Still Attached to the needle

Somehow the thread won’t sever won’t let go

Yet the needle will not yield

There is no shield to protect me

Look around what do you see

I feel I’ve fallen to the ground

Your voice bleak so low in the background

I am still here still in tact 

Yet Am I a useful artifact

I love, I feel,  I have been healed

Or so it seems

Perhaps this all

Was just a dream

One I can never awake 

Maybe it is me my heart is yours to take~

~Personal Quotes~Keeping It Real~

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~You are but a drop of rain in the endless ocean of life, don’t sell yourself short, make some waves~NJM~

~Autobiography in Five Short Chapters~

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Chapter 1.

I walk down the street

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk I fall in. I am lost…… Helpless.

It isn’t my fault.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk, I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again.

I can’t believe I am in the same place. But it isn’t my fault.It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3.

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it there. I still fall in…….. It’s a habit. My eyes are open, I know where I am. It is my fault I get out immediately.

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street, there is a deep hole in the sidewalk, this time I walk around it.

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

Anonymous ~

NJM~

The below song sums me up, and it’s to whoever knows all of me~

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=C6kLbDHu0yc

~Fragments of Life~ In Short Thoughts~NJM~

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“Thoughts of situations that have happened or may never happen. Some are in poetic brief statements. Others short stories, scenarios, entertained thoughts of mine I hope you relate to in some abstract form. This is a different style of writing I am attempting, I hope to engage all. I believe these fragments are yet to be, or already live between you and me

 

He drew in the smoke…watching the smoke that was not contained in his lungs wave and twirl. Slowly the pain went away.

Riveting! the chill spread up her spine, hair stood up on the back of her neck, and goose bumps covered her body.

Pressure from your hand crashed down through the glass obliterating it into a mini explosion of ice shards that sliced right through skin… I felt your need of me of each breath, each time you pressed again and again. Then circuits burned and all boards went down without messages needed to convey system failed. Even our binary was off beat. Not one code understood. Alone without value. Yet we stayed.

Spilt time puddled upon the floor of existence like a glass of milk pooled on the kitchen table waiting… To be cleaned up.

“He was so sick of having to check his blood glucose, so sick of needles, the infusions sets, and the carb counting, he was sick of being so different.”

There is a vessel of emptiness waiting to be filled by a presence so extraordinary that to contain it is not possible, yet to walk with it most probable furthermore destined.

Up head the distance revealed an alluring shadow likened to a darkness of smoke rather than of a shadow when examined closer. I indulged the illusion by complete acknowledgement only to be aware it wasn’t an illusion but you. Forces of nature gathered the four corners blowing the winds that crashed gracefully upon the shores as the sun burned brightly reflecting diamonds glistening in the sand retracting in your eyes.

Hands of precision tickling the tips of your split apart fingers reaching …Eyes that meet with twinkles and the awkward yet unfolding uniqueness of possible new love. Butterflies blossoming in my abdomen feeling like taking flight could be possible, as the moment etched further into their minds burning singeing in their hearts memories that live forever and he kissed her. Her first kiss.

She gurgled a scream that could be heard for a mile. The madness of her reality split. Vengeance seeped into her veins. She will never be the same.

Fragments of each other all scattered over our flesh our mind. Nanoparticles mixed by the human touches and shared thoughts, that’s what we are fragments, and I love each fragments each frame and all especially the stills. Captivating.

The psychiatric said to him, You have bipolar disorder. He looked baffled, no mental illness ran in his family. In a daze he stared back at the doctor… Thinking I won’t live like this. What will everyone say, the stigma, it’s already too much I can barely function.

“Couldn’t have been that profound if it didn’t stick.”

I often dream of far away places and far away faces obscure and unfriendly, and I can’t seem to wake up.

Swear we were packed like a can of sardines in that car, but it didn’t matter we were happy just to be there

I watched as the sky blossemed into a live picture show above the horizon slowly revealing itself inch by inch rising as it painted the canvas of the sky, the illumination grew stronger it was a sunrise to remember.

They yelled “sinner! Murderess! You’re killing your unborn child. Specters claiming to be Christians judging her as she walked closer to the clinic doors. The door seemed a mile away, she couldn’t help but shrink away inside and pray….God help me.They judged her. But yet call themselves Christians. If that’s Christianity I want no part of it.They judged her. But yet call themselves Christians. If that’s Christianity I want no part of it. Then climbed upon the examination table.

I got in!!! I got in!!! As he ran into his clique of friends. Waving his acceptance letter to the university that would pave his way to his unknown future.

Her legs dangled from the edge of the bed. Feeling all hope gone. Wondering if heaven and hell exist will God let her in… She swallowed the pills three by three and uttered  “Father, Son, Holy Spirit” looking down the bottle empty, as empty as she felt. The loss was too much. slowly consciousness slipped away.

I threw your little body up up into the air as you softly landed into my arms and I pulled you close. Your smell, your small hands your eyes big in wonderment looking at me… I was enveloped by your love my angel from God.

I narrowed in and lowered my knees just enough to give me the angle and sprint needed for an effortless beautiful dive.I swam to the edge of the pool looked up and it was you, we both smiled.

He was the object of her desire. He loved knowing this. Tormented her at times. Like Dangling carrots. Winds of change blew in and her heart finally desired someone who desired her back. He was left in the wake of her tides as she drifted away at sea farther from him and closer to the one to be her true lover. Regret festered in his desire at that moment.

At the speed of snail I passed your house. The wind blew harshly by. I stared hoping to catch a glimpse of you. I would have settled for the family dogs appearance. But you’re gone… And I wait like a fool believing you will return.

 

“Does our absolute rise beyond infinity or does it die when we do?”

 

“Sometimes I’m so tired of all of it I just feel like settling.”

 

Laying down eyes closed listening to the crackles of leaves beneath your feet and the trickle of the distant stream near by, my mind wanders, I can only imagine what we would do behind closed doors.

 

You’ll drive I’ll shoot. We’ll be a modern day Bonnie and Clyde. Naw Micky and Malory instead, what’s your thoughts?

The car door slightly open as one foot dangles in and the other out. Turning the key  in the ignition I stop and grin thinking about you and I’m positive you’re grinning too thinking bout me, aren’t we just the two?Me and you.

 

She eagerly waited like a kid waiting to open a gift for his call. Listlessly she hung her body on the end of the bed, half on half hanging off. A despair that was crawling in her. Then it rang. Her heart jumped and she sprung for the phone,  “Hey how you doing “His voice came across the line….. what he doesn’t know is she wasn’t doing nothing but hurting thinking he may not call. If he knew how she intense she felt he would call early on purpose….. But stubborn she’ll keep grim self deprecating sides to herself.

 

Mosaic of memories and pieces of a life kept in frames upon the shelf  but not kept in order randomly arranged.

 

Can I be a part of your Life time? and all the ones in between……..

Finally She ran into him. After years there he was on the same grocery isle as me only feet away. Years she thought in the same town, same small town. There eyes met but she quickly looked away. It was too much as tears puddled in corners of her eyes she felt a hand on her shoulder, he finally found the courage to tell her, speak to her… Was it too late? The pain to much? Her heart said “not this time. Your moment of extraordinary has arrived.” Let him in.” So she looked at him then to the ground as tears flowed. He lifted her chin to look at him. That was all it took. Forever began.

Not for Reproduction~NJM~

 

~Contemplating Courage~

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Courage is looked upon in many ways.
A definition I ran across explained courage as this : the ability to do something that frightens one.
My personal definition of
Courage is not caring how others view you, to believe in you and the abilities you have to meet the outcomes you strategically planned without validation or others approval. Courage it’s how you believe.

Courage. Powerful will etched upon ones soul. The Need to express, to attain, to make, to conquer, to bring down, to uplift, without fear of the result but with courage to step out in faith and take that approach, the strategy festering in one’s mind, words spoken, thoughts into realization, dreams to make come true. How many ask “Oh precious courage may I find you?”

Are dreams always positive? Courage can be warped, read the first above definition…. “That frightens one” why is courage frightening?
Why? It’s unknown, not knowing the outcome.
Is intent always pure?
Is the reason of intent for gain or to release?
Was the courage you conjured up original?
Was that yours? Your thoughts, ideas or was it recycled desires of others?
Originality?
What denotes the lack of ones courage?
Cowards are we? Taking no chance, no reason to believe?
Believe in what? Yourself? God? Merely un seen intangible power that propels you closer to what you invested into this venture called life that changes you forever.
Why?
Courage. Are you willing to die? To submit? To let go? To hold on, strike first, be humble?
Can being humble be thought courageous?
Is not the servant very often just a master in disguise? Serving takes courage… As does proper leadership.
Is it not also true that which may seem frail and meek often furious when threatened? Courage or instinct can it be both?
Temperament, continence the way one is perceived by others, does courage always show a badge of honor, or at times the code of silence,  even further the sentence of death.
Can courage also weaken ones being if inability is found in attaining the outcome desired when you took the step of faith and acted in courage? Will it leave you bitter? Resentful?
Or did the failure of your lacking courage fuel the fire, giving yet more to desire? To attain? To never refrain.
The bitterest truth is always better than any of the sweetest lies in that courage won’t deny.
Courage is rooted in control
To not feel off kilt to gain the balance needed to execute with flawless precision that which you value.
Repeat… That which YOU value.
Do you have the courage it’s down to decision.
Was the decision you made the one that was right?
Will it be a path of least resistance? Hardly…mostly it will be the need to fight? Mostly. Not always.
It takes courage you see in how you live, to learn to let go, to often forgive.
That’s right. It takes courage to let go, to let God, Destiny, the powers that be take over your steering wheel and sit back wait to see, if the courage to give control to a greater force than you? To hold you up carry you through.
Many may think letting go is giving up. I think it to be otherwise. By nature the need to “even the score” seems an ongoing theme. Vengeance ..hmmmm. A vengeful heart is never free. Shackled by the need, to even the wrong. what wrong? Oh the wrong you felt done to you. I see.
We have wrongs that we endured.
Letting go takes courage. To not dwell. Be done, released of the spell.
However, If it’s about holding on and never letting go be ready you see for to battle you go.
Courage that causes least harm to conquer what’s right.
If one can live/love by that code then how beautiful it would be, I believe it may change the definition you see.
Is courage rooted in selfish wants or for the greater good. Is the latter the better? Is the first good?
Best left for fate to decide for somethings are not to be touched taken and surely not mistaken. Especially in pride.
Pride can cloud your courage you see
Pride can be the demise leading to a bitter end, leaving you with nothing not even a friend.
Take courage
Be strong
Draw in a deep breath
Stand up act even if the action is indeed non action. Have no fear for In that notion alone you bring courage near.
Be courageous. Learn discipline too. In that word denotes courage in you.
Let it spill over and be contagious. Want to know my personal definition of courage? Courage = Faith.
The question is what is your faith rooted in?
Now ask yourself and live it, That simple.
The courage to believe and still let go, and all the while deep inside to truly know.
Take Courage.
Not for Reproduction~

 ~So we accept the Presidential outcome, for now……..~

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So we must accept the presidential outcome, for now….. 
We are making history. Everyday since Donald Trump was elected there have been protest all across America… holding signs saying “Trump is not my president” Well actually he is, how unfortunate.. right? Yes it is.

In my years on this earth I have lived through racism, LGBT was term coined an acronym so to speak used to support those who are Lesbian,Gay, Bi sexual, Transgender back in early 90’s. We broke some barriers.. SOME being the key word.
Yet still no reform for those who have mental disabilities. Oh well my Bipolar mind will keep going and writing. speaking out Against a president that made fun of a disabled person. I have more knowledge and education in my little pinky than our president elect has in his whole body.Further more I have more Etiquette & Public Relations experience as well. However my disability limits my actions. Say it with me everyone “DISABILITY”.
I was impressed with Obama eight years ago. The fascination is over. However, I can still remember how hopeful I was when Obama got elected. Since then my life has been a yo yo. I’m no longer impressed with him or our nations political process.
I believed we would come together in the human race and allow inclusiveness not elite exclusives. We could come together, truly I believed that.
Politicians set stages to make promises not able to be carried out. So forth an on, and on, and on… you get the picture.
What blows me away is the division in our own country.

Where running for electoral office Is like playing on elementary school yard. You know what? Elementary school can’t touch this, it is felt all over the angst and fragility that has caused the divide. Here’s how it goes…..one candidate gets dirty information to discredit the others candidates whispering secrets to each other about what the other may have done, what kind of dirt they can find on the other candidate.
Basically they sling shit at each other….. aren’t we supposed to be civilized? No. we never were.

We are barbaric, wonder how many furs the First Lady owns…. hmmmm Anyhoo…

We chose to believe we were. Look around at the unrest and protest and it’s clear we are taking steps back, and have chosen an atrocious president(God be With Us).
So as I lay in bed half the day again since the election. Why? Depression. My illness. Looking at all of this division and unrest provokes my bipolar. Lately I am just mostly depressed. Oh you wouldn’t know it if you saw me in public, but you would know it if I could join in on the protest. I live in a semi enlightened area where flashing your rebel flag is seen often, a symbol of hate in my opinion. So if I protested I might get run over. Scarier still is my son is half black, each day he goes to a predominately white school where he has to hear more bullshit about how great Trump will be for president. Thank God he has a few teachers who agree with his opinion. His opinion? He wanted Hillary. He watched debates he understands disablement and racism. I rarely discussed who I wanted to win with him of the less of two evils. I wanted him to think for himself. He was shocked at America. He said he would protest too but he is only 13 and there are no protesters where we live.
People hating each other again, talks of taking away gay rights,

Racism is just a tad of it. Donald Trump should not be our president elect yet he is. It shows me how growth is an illusion, and that’s what makes me disillusioned. 
Where is the America Land of the Free home of the brave including free speech and the right to protest ? I’ll tell you. Divided that’s where America is. What a shame. People judge, I judge. Everyone wants to be heard. We are caught in the gravity of this situation, as it sucks us ALL in.
A man that makes fun of disabled people. Who files bankruptcy for his advantage to just start anew and pass yet more debt onto the banks and judicial system….pushing the buck. …Hey by the way what does happen with all those right offs? Who eventually pays for large fuck ups like Trump who has filed bankruptcy numerous times over the last 3 decades over failed endeavors. Oh God will America be his next failed endeavor?

We now have model for a First Lady …. how will our young women feel when they can’t attain the status quo of outer beauty? After all first Lady’s are seen as a role model not an actual model for our young women. See she is just arm Candy for Trump.How will she set a tone for our up and coming professional women….. um that isn’t gonna happen under Trumps rain. Because this First Lady doesn’t have what it takes other than her looks.
So to conclude………………..

In my opinion…. and everyone has one just like an

Asshole… brace yourself we are under Trump regime.
May God be with us as a Godless man takes rule.

~The Price of Freedom~

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Dedicated to Kiffer Baldeo

Often in life you have heard many people, grandparents, mothers, fathers, even friends tell you nothing is free.

There is one thing that truly is free, the love of God, the acceptance that God freely gives you without conditions. But for humans we all have conditions, damn those conditions right? I mean think about this at this moment, we all have conditions we feel must apply in some way, fashion, form, in order for us to accept those which we feel  love us, owe us, in order for us to give our stamp of approval, to give our love back. Our sense of entitlement.

But true Freedom is not just found spiritually speaking, but also in having nothing left to lose. It is within the element when you have nothing left to lose, you are in a position to gain, that is if you have not broken the law, in which case freedom is not attainable at least not the kind others have, don’t get me wrong some of the freest people are actually incarcerated. It is in the element of nothing left to lose, nothing that can be taken from you, that is true personal freedom beyond the spiritual aspect.

My illness has brought much heartbreak, loss, but from the loss I’ve attained the ability to pick myself up and realize that indeed I  have lost all, and not once, but several times, but each time I hit the bottom the one thing I still have is freedom, choice, through the loss I am therefor free. I have no where to go now, I am at the bottom. But the beauty of this freedom is the powerful Will to rise above and restore that which was lost, by God’s grace and sheer determination, to pick myself up. Yet even more beautiful is the recognition now given to me from the experience of loss. Freedom at its primitive state is nothing to lose, and everything to gain.

I am near ground zero, close to the bottom, but through my illness and the creativity it provides, I can see that light ahead, I can envision a future built upon the freedom of the loss I have endured. Will this be easy, hell no. Nothing lasting and tangible is attained easily, for if it were the appreciation of such attainment would fade rather quickly, only leaving a yearning for more than you already have, which you are not appreciating. If you were appreciating it you would be caring for it and thanking God and life daily for the battle fought, the journey traveled to get to the point you’re at.

Bipolar is often a self deprecating illness and unfortunately without a cure. But the most powerful resource one can implement in the journey of recovering is a strong support system, something I have not had in the last 6 years. Bipolar in manic phase is lunacy at its worse, creativity at its best, and somewhere in between its both. Seldom does a day go by that I have at least one radical thought, as well as a bleak thought. But if a good support system is in place, someone to bounce these thoughts onto it truly makes an enormous difference. I have started to see a new psychotherapist who asked me to write a letter each week to someone that I have felt harmed me, an event that has changed me. Then she wants me to target into the one feeling that sums it up that I get after reading it. Not like the basic shallow Angry or hurt, but like the event left me with rejection, or fear. I am looking forward to working with her, and suggest to any one who is living with bipolar to seek out a therapist that will challenge you to go beyond the demons that plague your mind, in so doing, you will pave the way to freedom in your mind as well as purge the abuse you may have endured.

See for me they’re some days that anxiety grips my mind it feels like someone is sitting on my chest and I have trouble catching my breath, my body and soul feel fragmented .But I pray upon waking, giving my burdens to God. slowly I take my cement legs and put on my cement shoes (because I feel like cement is on my feet as I go to tackle another day). Each day unfolds differently. Every waking hour I do my best to forget yesterday(although others won’t in regard to me or my actions) To try not to think about tomorrow, because none of us are granted a tomorrow, but to stay in this day. When I don’t do this, or practice this, when one I have one foot is still in yesterday and the other foot in tomorrow I wind up pissing all over the present day. Lord knows I need not do that. In fact if you stop and think about it, this is true for everyone.

Now there are those who Will say “set goal, make plans” I do, I set reasonable goals, but in order to successfully reach these goals, these dreams I must strive to stay in this moment, this day. Truly it is the first step to healing and to maintaining those things you would love to see come to fruition. A step to freedom of ones self and your mind.

Look, Bipolar sucks, but I will not allow recents events to silence my quest to advocate for the awareness and compassion needed by society to treat those afflicted with mental disability no different than those suffering from a terminal illness. We are just as ill as a cancer patient or any other incurable illness.

Truthfully so many of the mentally disable are not diagnosed because of stigma, fear and judgement or rejection.. As stated previously working with a new psychologist which gives me a great new angle and approach to dealing with many repressed memories and purging the abuse out of my mind in a very unique way,thus allowing freedom to encompass my present quest to stay free in all things. Not allowing the past dominate my future.

Even when you fall get up quickly, become the true creative warrior you are, fight the good fight, stand up for the cause. So when our children who may be diagnosed with a mental disability face society they will be treated as any other individual with a terminal illness, which is with kindness and concern, not with the hate, indifference, and ridicule those of us face in society at the present time.

Finally, find you, find your inner child, and the person that you were meant to be somewhere under all the shit that we must deal with on a day to day basis, grow from our struggles, push forward when faced with hate or rejection. Keep your Will strong, fight the good fight, be an example for others who suffer  from bipolar or any other mental disability. Mostly find your freedom, many times at rock bottom is exactly where ALL of US need to be from time to time, for growth, for appreciation of the things entrusted to us, those very things we ignore and don’t care for as we should, but instead let it whither away. This includes not just the upkeep of our illness, but all things entrusted to us, our kids, our home, being an example to raise the standard and step out from among the rest. In doing this you Will find your freedom, your peace both in spirit and in mind.

Find your voice, find your freedom~

Always remember this rule, to go on to greater things you must first love and take care of the things you have, then and only then Will greater things come your was. Keep your Will strong.

Please be willful with intent~

~NJM~