~The Price of Freedom~

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Dedicated to Kiffer Baldeo

Often in life you have heard many people, grandparents, mothers, fathers, even friends tell you nothing is free.

There is one thing that truly is free, the love of God, the acceptance that God freely gives you without conditions. But for humans we all have conditions, damn those conditions right? I mean think about this at this moment, we all have conditions we feel must apply in some way, fashion, form, in order for us to accept those which we feel  love us, owe us, in order for us to give our stamp of approval, to give our love back. Our sense of entitlement.

But true Freedom is not just found spiritually speaking, but also in having nothing left to lose. It is within the element when you have nothing left to lose, you are in a position to gain, that is if you have not broken the law, in which case freedom is not attainable at least not the kind others have, don’t get me wrong some of the freest people are actually incarcerated. It is in the element of nothing left to lose, nothing that can be taken from you, that is true personal freedom beyond the spiritual aspect.

My illness has brought much heartbreak, loss, but from the loss I’ve attained the ability to pick myself up and realize that indeed I  have lost all, and not once, but several times, but each time I hit the bottom the one thing I still have is freedom, choice, through the loss I am therefor free. I have no where to go now, I am at the bottom. But the beauty of this freedom is the powerful Will to rise above and restore that which was lost, by God’s grace and sheer determination, to pick myself up. Yet even more beautiful is the recognition now given to me from the experience of loss. Freedom at its primitive state is nothing to lose, and everything to gain.

I am near ground zero, close to the bottom, but through my illness and the creativity it provides, I can see that light ahead, I can envision a future built upon the freedom of the loss I have endured. Will this be easy, hell no. Nothing lasting and tangible is attained easily, for if it were the appreciation of such attainment would fade rather quickly, only leaving a yearning for more than you already have, which you are not appreciating. If you were appreciating it you would be caring for it and thanking God and life daily for the battle fought, the journey traveled to get to the point you’re at.

Bipolar is often a self deprecating illness and unfortunately without a cure. But the most powerful resource one can implement in the journey of recovering is a strong support system, something I have not had in the last 6 years. Bipolar in manic phase is lunacy at its worse, creativity at its best, and somewhere in between its both. Seldom does a day go by that I have at least one radical thought, as well as a bleak thought. But if a good support system is in place, someone to bounce these thoughts onto it truly makes an enormous difference. I have started to see a new psychotherapist who asked me to write a letter each week to someone that I have felt harmed me, an event that has changed me. Then she wants me to target into the one feeling that sums it up that I get after reading it. Not like the basic shallow Angry or hurt, but like the event left me with rejection, or fear. I am looking forward to working with her, and suggest to any one who is living with bipolar to seek out a therapist that will challenge you to go beyond the demons that plague your mind, in so doing, you will pave the way to freedom in your mind as well as purge the abuse you may have endured.

See for me they’re some days that anxiety grips my mind it feels like someone is sitting on my chest and I have trouble catching my breath, my body and soul feel fragmented .But I pray upon waking, giving my burdens to God. slowly I take my cement legs and put on my cement shoes (because I feel like cement is on my feet as I go to tackle another day). Each day unfolds differently. Every waking hour I do my best to forget yesterday(although others won’t in regard to me or my actions) To try not to think about tomorrow, because none of us are granted a tomorrow, but to stay in this day. When I don’t do this, or practice this, when one I have one foot is still in yesterday and the other foot in tomorrow I wind up pissing all over the present day. Lord knows I need not do that. In fact if you stop and think about it, this is true for everyone.

Now there are those who Will say “set goal, make plans” I do, I set reasonable goals, but in order to successfully reach these goals, these dreams I must strive to stay in this moment, this day. Truly it is the first step to healing and to maintaining those things you would love to see come to fruition. A step to freedom of ones self and your mind.

Look, Bipolar sucks, but I will not allow recents events to silence my quest to advocate for the awareness and compassion needed by society to treat those afflicted with mental disability no different than those suffering from a terminal illness. We are just as ill as a cancer patient or any other incurable illness.

Truthfully so many of the mentally disable are not diagnosed because of stigma, fear and judgement or rejection.. As stated previously working with a new psychologist which gives me a great new angle and approach to dealing with many repressed memories and purging the abuse out of my mind in a very unique way,thus allowing freedom to encompass my present quest to stay free in all things. Not allowing the past dominate my future.

Even when you fall get up quickly, become the true creative warrior you are, fight the good fight, stand up for the cause. So when our children who may be diagnosed with a mental disability face society they will be treated as any other individual with a terminal illness, which is with kindness and concern, not with the hate, indifference, and ridicule those of us face in society at the present time.

Finally, find you, find your inner child, and the person that you were meant to be somewhere under all the shit that we must deal with on a day to day basis, grow from our struggles, push forward when faced with hate or rejection. Keep your Will strong, fight the good fight, be an example for others who suffer  from bipolar or any other mental disability. Mostly find your freedom, many times at rock bottom is exactly where ALL of US need to be from time to time, for growth, for appreciation of the things entrusted to us, those very things we ignore and don’t care for as we should, but instead let it whither away. This includes not just the upkeep of our illness, but all things entrusted to us, our kids, our home, being an example to raise the standard and step out from among the rest. In doing this you Will find your freedom, your peace both in spirit and in mind.

Find your voice, find your freedom~

Always remember this rule, to go on to greater things you must first love and take care of the things you have, then and only then Will greater things come your was. Keep your Will strong.

Please be willful with intent~

~NJM~

 

~Life’s Amazing Victories ~Great Read~Inspirational~

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It’s hard when I don’t have the beauty around me, even more so to have such, yet unappreciated~

This soul is half wilted like flowers sent two weeks ago, in a vase of greenish moldy water… Against my soul I thrive and only make life harder~

There is a fight within that is slowly fading…. The light is dim, glib, hallow
This life is a bitter pill and often insipid and hard to swallow~

These expressions, these words, I write… outside, inside and deep within.. I’m trying to win, but seemingly losing this fight~

But a subtle grace around me waits … Like angels whisper deep embrace to remind that life is not a race… And often times these troubles face……..with weakness…. Will slowly build my strength…and not to fight a dirty fight, not go to any length to win~

But allow this circumstance to yield the beauty still yet but revealed..
Whispers loudly grow a voice, to always remember there is a choice~

Gallantly stand straight and tall, that in this life you’re gonna fall, but that’s not all… That fall……no you see, ahead there awaits a victory.

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~Rules of the Internet~Keeping it Real~Personal Quotes~

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There are none~NJM~

~Living With Bipolar 1~NJM~ The Maze~

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I am the lab rat. I am in a maze. There is no way to ever solve the maze as of yet.I can move from front to back, left to right, but the outcome is always gonna be the same redundant cycle.

I’ll never exit the maze. There are beautiful parts in the maze, scary parts, agitated parts, renovated parts, crazy parts, serine parts, but all those areas have no exit out.
Every person experiences the illness a bit different.

Treatment of the disorder is a must in order to live productively
It’s been bittersweet. I have been through many stages of the illness and 4 manic attack each triggered by extreme stress.
I also picked myself up and learned to live through my divorce and custody struggle.
I don’t trust many people but I do not isolate myself as I once did as I used to.
I have a part time job that deals with the public.
It’s like a roller coaster ride. Or surfing. You roll with the tides, and learn each time.
It’s pride I actually feel now, but must stay humble. I advocate for the stigma of bipolar to diminishes and begin to accept and love what has been mistunderstood for far to long. We have tackled openly everything except mental illness. Many people have some type of mental illness.
I’ll tell you this, through prayer and creativity, God, and my beautiful Son, I like me.

I’m ok with me.
Bottom line it’s not bad at this point of my life.
Thank God~

~It’s Been 1 Year~

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What can I say, It’s been 1 year that I developed this blog. I developed it for several reasons. To educate and bring insight to mental illness and bipolar disorder which I suffer from. Let me rephrase that, that I have been blessed with, yes I said blessed with.

Sure there are times that I suffer, don’t we all suffer at times? Most times we actually bring the suffering upon ourselves….most of the time that is. There are circumstances that occur that we have no control over, and these circumstances can cause distress and pain.

Bipolar however can be used for the beauty and creativity that makes it the “Genius” disorder. Don’t get me wrong, all of us have a inner genius we can tap into, but truth be told some of the greatest people in our eternal history were afflicted with bipolar disorder, great prolific writers, artist, philosophers, inventors to name a few titles that bipolar disorder will forever be attached to.

Bipolar disorder invokes strong passionate feelings about so much. It’s why we have the super highs and the plummeting lows. But when you can find your niche and the right treatment for the illness you can do amazing things. Don’t get me wrong I have my “Silver Lining’s Playbook” moments….the Bradley Cooper Character parts, the ones that you know where you put something and will tear the house down looking for it all the while raging and possibly fits of crying….I also have the insight he had. If you have never seen the movie I highly recommend it. Two people Bradley Cooper plays “Pat” and Jennifer Lawrence plays “Tiffany” both of them suffer mental illness.

 

Their lives lead the into a cross road that intertwines and brings the two together. It brings two talented crazy ass, beautiful people together. Know what? They fall in love. I have been blessed with a very similar situation in my life. It intertwined with someone that I first saw two years ago at an AA meeting.

What I can say is this, the right person can be amazing and be the balance you may be missing. Am I saying go run out and find someone? Hell No! It’s a natural unexpected occurrence. You never know when are how, but when the timing is right they walk into your life and the puzzle begins to fit and come together.

Am I saying that another person is the answer? Again NO! your answer is to balance,and this can be many other things. But that’s the key. Balance and low to no stress levels. See I was in abusive relationship for several years. Events due to my illness and circumstances beyond my control propelled me forward, and low and behold her I am. Standing up, good people around me. Part time job, with a great boss. A wonderful partner. All I have to finish is this custody battle and the finality to the divorce which will be soon.

Look just like you I am feeling my way around this unexpected and mysterious life, illness….but one thing I will say is “Thank God” for my life has not been a random series of events, oh no..see I have watched things unfold in my lowest moments, and trust I have hit bottom on a few occasions. Each time I watch God maneuver and work all the kinks out. Believe how you chose, but I know what I lived.

 

Life without belief and faith is a random occurrence of events that have so many variables that there is no cohesive qualities. But a life of faith one rooted in God is a life of destiny and each occurrence brings you one step closer to the true reason you were placed here on this planet. One step closer to Kismet.

I plan to do more writing in this next year, I am still working on a Novel, but until some finalities in my life play out I have put it on the back burner.

I also Plan to continue to advocate and educate for the awareness of mental illness and taking the stigma away, to show others that we are human and we hurt and feel and love just  as they do, just sometime more intensely more passionately. I plan to be a voice in the wilderness of the void, a voice that has no true voice, just random  people here and there willing to admit to or casually speak about their personal struggles. I want to change the concept and understanding of mental illness and especially bipolar disorder.

To those who stop by and read my blog, thank you. To those who follow my blog thanks for your support!

Till my next post, be blessed, stay safe, be well.

Much Love~

NJM~

~Hacking~

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Recently my twitter account’s were hacked causing a great deal of pain and a mess in regard to my mental state of mind, as well as the custody of my son. My son is a type 1 diabetic and has Aspergers. I recently had left a very abusive relationship.The man who abused me and my son was given temporary custody of my son due to twitter statements. I repeat again due to social media that my son was taken from me. That alone is nuts.

The police that did this is also the very police that have done this before. This police department has come under fire recently due to their involvement in the KKK, yes thats right the KKK. My son is half black, I am creole.

Back in April of this year the person whom I was with hacked into my twitter obtaining my direct messages to a few friends that he believed I was in some romantic relationship with. Mr. Raley did this on 3 separate occasions.

If anyone knows of litigation that could aide in my quest for justice in regard to this situation to please leave information in the comment area of this post.

I ask anyone who believes in God and prays to please keep me lifted up in prayer and pray for the safe release of my son to be once again in the arms of the mother who loves him and has walked through hell to be with.

Thank you to all who support my efforts as well as my being open to discuss my illness and to be an advocate in regard to mental illness in society today, the discrimination we face as well as the stigma.

once again, thank you.

God Bless.

~Personal Quotes~Find your Voice~

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~You can’t change the world and how it interacts with you, however you can change how you interact with the world~Find your voice~NJM~