~When to get a new Psychiatrist~Bipolar Issue~

Nicole MoncadaHave been diagnosed with Bipolar 1 for 5 years. It’s been one hellevu ride!
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~NJM~Personal Quotes~

Like a black hole in my  galaxy you suck all life and light out~

~Lovers Eternal Dance Part 2~{Destiny’s Dance~}

Will not be denied
Ignored, nor exploited~

Represent with respect
Keep your intentions in check~

Takng caution as not walk the same path~ I expect this time love Will last~

Quiet the mind~
Hoping to find~
Someone kind~

Refuge is obscure but can be found
both up above as well as the ground~

Learning to be quiet is to not make a sound~
To hide away~
Never be found~

You unravel me, trying to coerce my heart, Beckoning me to play the part
Your style and finesse is likened unto art~

But you need to be informed that I can not be bought~Traded or bartered, I’m your plant that needs to be watered.~

I will not sell out, nor walk in fear
The fruition of what is us is now drawing near~

An eclipse of circumstance
Longing closure Kismets dance~

This dance is not quick, oh no it Will stick, Around dancing and swaying to our cosmic sound.. Orbiting, Resonating

More than chance to finally dance
Indeed it’s time to dance my love
To dance~

So no more hiding away come out of dark corners and with me stay~

I’m finding it hard to live each day
I’ve walked hell and high water wouldn’t you say?

Silently pray~
For you~
For us~
For them~

Indeed we must share
longing and separation
Causes despair~

Nonetheless together we’re an unbeatable pair~

Demi Gods among mortals
Desiring our skill~ only time Will tell Wouldn’t you say, or is it merely skill that Will flow with love never wanting to kill~
They long for a moment to Experience our thrill~

Always more than by chance to meet Yet again to fulfill Kismets Dance~

Let’s Dance
I’ll put on my red shoes as Bowie would say~
You put on your suit and tie
Then dance this dance until we both die…
Still never saying goodbye. Eternally~

Not for reproduction~

NJM~

~Chapter 4~ Rejection~ An Excerpt of Upcoming Thriller~ truly a engaging read!

I’m working on a thriller as most who follow me should know. I throw out pieces of chapter so you are engaged and will want to buy my book. It is based strongly on my life’s events I did not change names expect 1. Everyone else is not innocent. Also time frames may be changed. Enjoy~~

Chapter 4 Rejection~
She was completely encased in thoughts …..of her life leading up to this moment, thoughts such as the one she was reliving in her head when her cousin took away the innocence of life. Her life. Mind drifting to him; having her lay naked before him, spreading her legs… examining every inch and crevices he desired, tracing her young yet well developed curves exploring her, she desired him more….so she stayed still and let him have his way. He also undressed, the shock of seeing what differences their body’s anatomies were both scared and even aroused her ….more than just curiosity.

He moved slowly over her, his male hood yielded a large stiff appendage as he pressed against her between her legs but never fully penetrating her… maybe that was his rationalization, that it was ok. Not completely penetrating her. Yet getting her to touch him and stroke him…..exposing her to the porn he craved, setting her body in the positions of the center folds. It was all perverted and screwed up.
That’s where her sexual problems most likely stemmed from.
The need to please those who desire her. How ironic even more, that men she knew desired her as much as she desired the men who would never return what she would desire in the other men…. never returning a complete circle.

Will it be a perpetual cycle, a curse her cousin passed to her for what he did, what she allowed….. did she allow? Her age was 7 so she then she reasoned that it was completely not her allowing it to happen, although it definitely did, her need of his love and acceptance was the important thing for her at the tender age of 7.

Suddenly the phone rang jogging her thoughts back to the present moment.

“Honey have you had any luck in locating your brothers?” The levies broke and water is flooding by the minute in New Orleans” “Yes I did, I found all of them and spoke at length to one of your ex husbands.” He informed me where I Could find them, I called each and spoke to Dennis for awhile.

She felt close to Dennis. Although they never met. Perhaps it was because he was oldest She was youngest?

Or perhaps her Jungian philosophy ….that there are signs you just need to look at, archetypes, All that crap she learned earning her bachelors degree in Psychology.

Looking back the archetype would appear to be the letter D.

Her first love was her Daddy. Her first romantic love was Dirk(he is dead now) then she married Dewitt who was nothing like he presented himself to be, which caused the ultimate demise and divorce of them. Then Donnell her sons biological fuck up. That’s just a majority of the D’s she was sure she could think up more. All those D’s. Thinking to herself no more D’s please.

Then again like a strike of lightening thoughts flooded her mind. Why didn’t her older brothers ever search for her?they knew how abusive their Mother was, she tried to reach out to her only sister Jackie. With some success it went well for several years. They never visited but did talk over phone a lot. Especially when Jackie found out about her husband Mark’s infidelity. She would call everyday crying.

Mark eventually filed for divorce making the call a constant barrage, unending emotions her sister needed to get out. Noel then thought again, I’ve been there for all of my friends,her sister…. who is gonna be there for her if she falls?

If only she could see the future, her plans would have turned on another road she would be able to possibly stop the demise of what would be the most horrendous events that unfolded when she would turn 38.

When Katrina misplaced her to Leesburg Florida, where she would move across the street from an over privileged teen who’s Dad was a closet gay and also happened to be an Episcopalian pastor. That boy, now a man would crush what beauty she had….. she would never have left her home in Mississippi. She would have stayed there if only she could’ve looked into the future, oh how different events would have unfolded. No online affair with Ayman Chaer no nude snap shots tagged to 500 people, no abusive relationship with Dewitt. No treacherous teen William Lambert across the street whos’ dad Jay Lambert was a closet gay, no Florida at all…..!!
Looking back Pastor Lambert was always offering William to help me,he did so in hopes of William and I engaging in sex with hopes William wouldn’t be gay as he was. Pastor Lambert’s life was hard, living as a heterosexual with a beard/wife having children. All the things society expected when Pastor Lambert was growing up. In hinds sight he wanted William to be saved from that life that was a lie, a facade. A life in a closet. But it is 2008 so get real already! If your son wants to be gay, then embrace him and his desires, don’t changed him to live vicariously through him.
But it was to late to go back now………the story has unfolded and here she is, debris, shit, betrayal, Lies, abuse, remorse, shame, but what mostly ate at her was those who abandoned her, rejected her in the time she needed them most. It started in childhood all the way to those events…it was and is the rejection.

~Listen Closely~

I love you son

You’ve paid consequence

For things you have not done

Rejected by his blood

Oh Kerr nothing is forever

Lost his mother to madness

Leaving my son alone with Sadness

I’m capturing slowly

The mother he needs

But the biggest relief

Will be punishment for the thief

Simoleons could not restore all the love I shared before

Simoleons is all you seek

Perhaps that currency Will

Make you weak

Oh greed, ruthless heart

Torn his world all apart

My Son the Lord is not slack

I ask for wholeness be restored

My son come from virtual reality

Living in the computer

Come back dear boy

Un Submerge your mind

From technology

It’s where my demise began

I’ve paid my dues oh so dearly

However he had no part

The stealing of my pictures

Posting them

His Mom falling apart

So when will the consequences

Fall heavily upon the thief, liar That caused so much grief

When I see your consequence come to pass

Lord knows it’s then I’ll find my relief

You’ve damaged him

While I was driven mad

As previously stated he is sad

He wants his mother

The one before October 1 2009

It’s that mother I’m working on so he Will find

That Karma and God have a way

To make you all pay

Your family too

I wish you nothing more

Nor nothing less

For you…….. And yours

I must confess

Pain you caused him

Yes I’ve already paid

But innocent was he

For your unthought causality

Well unknown causalities

Comes with collateral damage

So think long and hard before you creep

Your daughters and sons will pay as did mine

In this the Lord promised in Due time~
These words are not mine, they came to me after I prayed awhile….

Lord knows God works in mysterious ways~

NJM~Personal Quotes~

Sometimes festering in your own shit,covered inherently in your ignorant deceit may you look in the mirror & realize it’s time to come clean~

~Bipolar,The Unique Truth about the illness and my theories~

First I urge you the reader to watch a movie called “Touched by Fire” with Katie Holmes… the depiction of the two characters bring this post together. They are two bipolar individuals that’s all I will say. Watch it.

Bipolar the unique truth
Truth is there are many bipolar people with a unique gifts of art, it springs forth from our well to bring to life what we hope others will get, will understand.
I write poetry through my heart

My veins, my brain. Some other bipolar people paint, some sing, some Dance, some sculpt, and others like me, the countless thousands that write.
I consider myself a warrior fighting a cause trying to educate and break mental health stigma I also bring my demons out to display for all to see. That’s pretty ugly and unique. Hang it all out, air the bullshit I fester in at times, don’t we all?
Here is the thing, even warriors get weary and tired, and at times may even feel defeated.
I feel this as I write it, however by days end I’ll feel completely opposite I will feel empowered.
You may be a bipolar person, however every one of us is so unique so very unique.

I have been told all my

Life I have a switch, like a light switch that goes off if I’m done such as with let’s say …chemical addiction I am addicted for awhile to some drugs as an example. Cocaine, ecstasy, acid that kind of stuff I did at various times of my life, only to put it down. Still down over 15 years or more to this point and I pray it will always stick, it has thus far.
Now Mary Jane is like a best friend that I can hug goodbye, then check up on Mary Jane and alas, we have a long visit. Then I hug her again. Only to keep visiting.
Longest I ever told Mary Jane see you later I didn’t see her for 5 years….. that’s along time.
I’m similar with cigarettes but I have never been a real lifer for cigarettes.
I pick those up during stressful times. Like a switch I turn it back off till it illuminates again and the switch is turned on….. hey maybe it’s a glitch…

Today is the full moon. The moon affects bipolar people.
Say what you will, the cosmic energy changes the ebb and the flow of the ocean and pulls stronger because we are closer to our moon. If it affects a huge ocean then I view it as ……how much more can it affect us little humans. I mean come on it’s pulling an ocean sitting by us you think it don’t affect us, Ha. Ok.
Anyway these are my theories. Adopt them as your own if it rings true. Examine it if it doesn’t.
For some the full moon energizes their soul, others melancholia, others deep depression.
It is a shackle. I have theories about mental illness for a very long time. We live in a multidimensional world.
I often wondered if the mentally ill are tapping into the other dimensions the ones that others can’t hear, see, or feel.

I have others who have witnessed phenomena in me with regard to two things, first I seem to affect electrical currents in my area around me lights and such . Second the ability to tell you about something important that is gonna happen if you’re close to me.

This has been witnessed and many can tell you, yep she does.
This only started again, notice I said again, yes again after 3 years. See I was away around lies and deceit for the duration of my marriages, I listened and bought into the lies …. then I broke free after my divorce…for the last three years of my life, I stopped listening to lies, I’m in what I call a spiritual cleanse zone.
I can do things others can’t or maybe they can I haven’t met them yet, do you have phenomena too? just like I have , are you bipolar and have a phenomenon like myself which only adds to what I feel is extremely unique.
I had gifts when I was younger and not tainted by this world nor afflicted with atrocious disease of the mind. I prayed and meditated for hours in nature back then. My gifts at its apex. But years of hearing and buying into those lies affected my gifts. We all have some kinda strange gift if you tap into it.
Removing yourself from all lies or to recognize lies(spirit bares witness to others) the lies others speak you will and can know. But how do you know if they are lying?
For me It’s a silent “I know”.A feeling a sensation I pick up on.
Sometimes it’s just a quick whispers brief then gone.
This is me. This is how I am navigating my outer worldly experience. The queue’s I receive.
I don’t dabble in dark arts. My mother did. She was sought after on the bayous of Louisiana. People come from all over the bayou to see her. To hear what she had to say.
She then had a change of heart made me burn all my albums( so long ago lol albums) all my records.
I couldn’t wear pants anymore and I got to go to 6 th grade at a weird school from the church she joined. It was Like a mixture of Assembly of God or Pentecostal type of practice.
Yet I survived my crazy ass formidable young years as best I could, well that was until I revolted and got married at 14.
I was rebellious, against the grain. I think that was a charismatic draw when I was younger I had a few select friends.
Wherever we went, when we arrived the party started and most flocked to me it flowed… it was a powerful feeling.
So see yours may be different it’s why I have given you a quick narrative of my life.
So how are the meds going? Well? What was your cost? Mine was feelings, eyesight, weight, rapid weight gain. A few more add on’s.
My meds are Lamictal, Serquel, Clonopin. Not to mention pain meds for another condition.
Cool fact I’ve only had three cavities. My mom was big about brushing my damn teeth.
Hey! I have a bright smile. That is if I’m not in one of the many moods that flow through me every hour. Yes every hour.
See another difference. My Mind is in a variation or some would say rapid cycle.
Yours may be still, constant depressed, or you could be in a full blown manic episode.
In order to make any stride In Breaking stigma we must begin to be honest with ourselves.
We walk blindly sometimes through a day our thoughts jumbled.
But are we living our truth, bearing the scars and being open about your unique illness and the unique art it invokes in you.
Can we all feel empowered always, the answer is No. however we can strive, press onward.
For us our creativity and our illness make us so unique, so let your colors out and color outside the lines.
Don’t be afraid, we all have at one time or another. However, this is coming from someone who has had a rough ride getting to this place of complete honesty.
A place to tell my story without fear. Worry about nothing, care about most things, leave the rest behind. That’s my quote…
Thanks for stopping in and reading my post.
Have a beautiful day and watch out for our full moon tonight!

~NJM~ Quotes~

Your life is not yours, it is a series of events you walk through blindly.Deceiving yourself thinking your eyes were open~that’s truth~NJM~

~Gossip~

Wagging tongues slippery truth
Blah blah

What did you say

Oh I see it’s gossip again

Smile in your face

You’re my best friend

Lol right

Not when out of sight

Tongues wagging

Slippery truth

Claiming the innocence

Of your truth

Me oh my how we lie

Talk all for naught

Don’t come to me and try to speak

Your mind your words are too damn weak…

Women oh Woman

When shall we learn

Stop wagging your tongues

Speaking such things cause

A mess

Oh my dear is that a new dress?

It’s fabulous, not really

So why not speak truth

Oh the slippery truth

Like a well worn ornament

Purchased at a five and dime

It’s never stopped gossip at any time

Fickle ass creature women we are

Think we so perfect a bright shining star

Then you wag your damn tongue

With slippery truth

Hurry have you heard?

She lost her mind!

A mental break

Oh it’s nothing I’m sure

She will be fine

Oh wait did you say what I think

I’m gonna say this in the nicest way I know….

You don’t know nice

Ignorant fool

Take your belligerent ass back to school

While you are there learn your manners and finesse

By the way I truly do like that dress….. Or …Maybe it could be a bit shorter

Or perhaps it would look better on me, Oh shut up woman can’t you damn well see?

Stop wagging that tongue on slippery truth~

It so uncouth~

Unbecoming you see~

Keep your gossip away from me~

I long only to feel free~

From shackles Gossip creates~

The ugly words that inspires hate~

Bullshit of all kind~

Stirring the pot~

Fucking the mind~

Damn why are humans so unkind~

Always hard to reach to strive Be alone and truly survive the slander and crap we all live with each day, only seems more women are this way… why? what is your thoughts, what would you say?

~Bipolar Self Check & Cycles~

Being bipolar and knowing that patterns such as triggers and time frames, stress the very fact that we cycle is extremely important. History tends to repeat itself, many things repeat themselves, bipolar individuals happen to skid into this surreal area a little too often.

Wanna know something else all the meds in this world can’t  stop what I just mentioned. Lifestyle combined with a medicinal regiment can avert most travesty. But medicine alone can’t. I know. I’ve gone manic, in fact bonkers and was still on my meds. Was I fun, uh not really….well maybe for a bit, but only to myself.

Know something else,the company you keep, the person you may love can be the very trigger that spirals you off balance.

So the question I ask myself and you, are you gaining you right now? That’s right, are you gaining YOU? Or losing pieces here and there before you know it you’re everywhere, all the while thinking you’re put together or at least coming off that way. Hiding that Bipolar cloak and dagger in our pockets ready to pull that pocket inside out and release all that debris and shreds of crap at the bottom. You know the shit you feel in the empty pocket….looks like dust bunnies living there. Those dust bunnies are you, that debris is you and and all that pent up crap.

Are or you the cloth that the pocket is concealed in? Looking all sheik and stylish, but inside crying out with no voice? interesting how its this way or that and this goes for everyone bye the way, not just us bipolar people. People out there, you can learn a lot from those like me willing to share my life, thoughts, feelings, and you don’t have to have bipolar to gain insight either, this is a one size fits all kinda stuff that human beings go through. Just we may handle it a bit different.

I’m writing this for myself, for all those reading this, it’s self check time.

What is healthy? It’s having all YOUR needs met. Is this happening right now? Are do you feel short changed? I feel a bit short changed to tell you the truth. Hey, I am being honest.

Are you happy? Are or you up and down all the F’n way around and it’s due partially to the company you keep? Yeah I mean face it we all are a bit F’d up in our own way, but do we need more of it from others at specific turning points of our life? Crossroads….they are everywhere by the way, and just a reminder…uh.. they can happen any day.

Should you be alone? Yes! Sometimes being alone before polluted thinking takes over you, helps you to clearly see what you couldn’t before and remove yourself from any given situation whether it be love, business, friendships, or just being social at this time.

But living in this world you must take care of you first. You have nothing to give out to others no love or kindness if you don’t love yourself and are not genuinely kind to you.

The road ahead may be a bit stressful but if diplomatically approached you can ease through most anything bipolar or not.

These are my Bipolar Thoughts at this time, hope you got something out of it.

It’ my story, I’m sticking to it. What’s yours?

NJM~