I haven’t written in awhile and soon I will be writing about why. It is called 101 days of Hell~ and in more contemplative thoughts I’m working on how one can achieve happiness alone….. Yes I said happy and alone in one sentence and it feels good~
Category Archives: Bipolar Disorder 1
~Tangled Emotion~NJM~
You Tangle my emotions
Tied them in a knot
Walked out my life leaving my heart to rot
As you slammed the door
I dropped to the floor
Getting stuck in the creases
Edges tathered torn
Grabbing for paper to write a letter….
But I am a typo
On written pages of life
With a message to convey
Not without perplexing one’s views
Part of the glitch
Some call me a bitch
Others a whore
Some say they need nothing more
I complete them
Impossible you see
If I can’t complete you
How the hell do I complete me
Tangled tied ripped upart, yet I’m still alive
Often I wonder is it chaos and tragedy on which I thrive
it’s all I know it’s how I survive go figure
~Preemptive~revised~
Preemptive I suppose
I leave first
You silver tongue devil
You had me almost
But all of my life I stood by
With hope learning to cope
No more
Preemptive I am
Strike you down
Out of my sight
Purged from my mind
You can come to look
You will not find
Preemptive in love
Just as in war
I am a missile
I reach out so far
I’ll tear down your defenses
I close in on you all around
Slash your heart first
Never again it’s now
A curse
Laid upon me long ago
A trust can be broken only so many times
Am I confused unable to see
I breed in you and you breed in me
And we also bleed too!
Your deceit
Is a pool of my blood around your feet
My blood, my scars
No one can never cross far over my lines
Drawn in a particular way
So when I am done
I have the say
Preemptive
I can’t even make it a month
Thinking of what could be us
I see to much fault
You are not what I thought
Characteristics you portray
Soon fade away
So I jump out
Leaving you quickly
I can’t conceive
Why you can’t perceive
That I am no longer shackled
By love or sex
Well I’d like to think
Mortal coil craves
I’m human
I have my days
I’m preemptive
You wonder how you let go the best
It’s not you
It’s not a test
So go on your way
Give it a rest
Wait what did I just say?
Preemptive dear Darlin dear
Now feel the fate as it draws near~
~Moods 101~A Must read, especially Bipolar sufferers~
Welcome to moods 101
Let’s hurry up, get this day done….
These stale corners of this life I live Days like these it’s hard to give… An inch, a mile,a simple smile. I lay in bed and mope awhile.
When emotions are sharp as a knife,And corners lose their curve,
It’s like a resounding screeching noise that sits on my last nerve.
These modes leave few to choose-The only way to try to win is instead to lose. Allowing the funk and muck to slosh all around, blocking out the environment and not allowing sound.
I will allow this feeling to slowly drain me dry, and somewhere in between each take I’ll stop to think and cry.
Then tomorrow like the miracle she always is, will unfold with moods anew… And all these crapy shitty moods will only be a few.
Does someone who is bipolar know that they’re wrong when they are verbally abusive and threatening during a manic phase?
Well, I’m speaking of my experience.
No and yes.
When manic, your sense of boundaries are skewed. The filter that most individuals use and have in place cease to exist.
In the manic phase, mania takes on many forms. Strong hostility, as well as a viscous tongue can arise if provoked even the slightest by someone who at one time or another failed me, these fails will indeed rise to the surface.
With that I’ve never been dishonest with my words but verbally abusive would fit. What I would say was often very true about what I felt about things they’ve done. But it was said very harshly, and with viscous intent. The message I conveyed was not false , but was said in such abrupt disregard that it would leave its scar.
Threatening. I only threatened when I was threatened. By that I mean because I’m bi polar, and may be within a confrontation , statements ” like you need to take your meds”or “no one will believe you cause you crazy ” will set me off, especially since those words are meant to make me feel less than, and with ignorance. Which at that point I will zone into all character flaws of the said individual I’m in conflict with and rip them to shreds, at which point I can leave them speechless.
In short I must be provoked in order to act in such ways. Granted I’m more sensitive when manic. So if the person is aware of my state. Then all could be avoided. It’s all in the care, in the handling.
Most of those whom I’ve done this too, had in most cases abandoned me when I may have needed them most. And when they needed me most I was there for them in their time of need.This is why I’ve burned a few bridges. But if they were unsupportive of me after my diagnosis then those bridges need not be crossed again.
These are my experiences , the only thing I felt bad for was how I said it. How I said it, and my intent behind it. But I was never sorry for speaking the truth.
Written 16 Dec, 2013. Asked to answer by Marcus Ford.
~Never say Never Ever~
Never say never or never will come knocking on your door, maybe not today, or next week or next year, still you ache the fear of Never….oh the trepidation the human condition~
Never is unwanted ….mostly however visiting is something never will do to me, will do to you. So please never say never~
It’s the bones of skeletons you dance with and sleep with in the back of your mind~
Never is that closet locked away, so jumbled that one inch of the door opening it would tumble out pouring all the crap all the hurt all the rejection you Never wanted.. yet you have, you did, ever since you were a kid~
Never is the fear of ever as ever is the fear of never canceling each other yet suspended in a harmonious dance
with karmatic presence and essence of all lessons….. the ones that pick and stick and prick and cut stabbing away chipping the dirt, debis
……. you don’t have the broom to sweep in under the carpet
You don’t even have carpet it can’t be rinsed or washed away why? Cause Never is here to stay…it Never goes away,it never dies~
So never say never or expect that knock on your door now and evermore. Never is as sure as Ever and together they’re an unbeatable team at least that is how it always seems~
Never say never~Ever……
~Kismets Dance~Lovers Eternal Dance Part 2~
Will not be denied
Ignored, nor exploited~
Represent with respect
Keep your intentions in check~
Takng caution as not walk the same path~ I expect this time love Will last~
Quiet the mind~
Hoping to find~
Someone kind~
Refuge is obscure but can be found
both up above as well as the ground~
Learning to be quiet is to not make a sound~
To hide away~
Never be found~
You unravel me, trying to coerce my heart, Beckoning me to play the part
Your style and finesse is likened unto art~
But you need to be informed that I can not be bought~Traded or bartered, I’m your plant that needs to be watered.~
I will not sell out, nor walk in fear
The fruition of what is us is now drawing near~
An eclipse of circumstance
Longing closure Kismets dance~
This dance is not quick, oh no it Will stick, Around dancing and swaying to our cosmic sound.. Orbiting, Resonating
More than chance to finally dance
Indeed it’s time to dance my love
To dance~
So no more hiding away come out of dark corners and with me stay~
I’m finding it hard to live each day
I’ve walked hell and high water wouldn’t you say?
Silently pray~
For you~
For us~
For them~
Indeed we must share
longing and separation
Causes despair~
Nonetheless together we’re an unbeatable pair~
Demi Gods among mortals
Desiring our skill~ only time Will tell Wouldn’t you say, or is it merely skill that Will flow with love never wanting to kill~
They long for a moment to Experience our thrill~
Always more than by chance to meet Yet again to fulfill Kismets Dance~
Let’s Dance
I’ll put on my red shoes as Bowie would say~
You put on your suit and tie
Then dance this dance until we both die…
Still never saying goodbye. Eternally~
Not for reproduction~
Donnell Kerr Christian~follows give me support on this very critical post!
Donnell Margaret Donald KERR~
There is no easy way to put this
No easy way to say
But you all think you are a Christian in a comfy corner you pray~
While your own flesh and blood did you turn away~
Does Jesus not say, Whatsoever you do to the least of my children that I do unto you?
Yes I believe that has been written~
My son……your blood as a new born kitten, you turned your back to a blind eye did you give, Do you really think in heaven you’ll live?
You dress all fancy on Sunday and sing put on your holy face~
But the promise the Lord made to his children is he will wipe you out erase from the book of life you see
You all turned your back on Donnell’s son trust this is not about me.
So when you read Gods word you sing and you pray it’s the blood of the innocent for which you will pay~
He did nothing to you, or you, or you, but I can tell you’re all ignorant and have not a clue~No Holy Spirit abides within you!
Suffer not the little children… hmmmm….
You go about life as though your grandson/Son Doesn’t exist~
On judgement day you’ll feel the Lords fist slam down the book make you take a look., Hypocrite you see? Think you better than me? Than the rest? Time God puts you to the test~ or maybe give it a rest, nope it’s the contrary~
Hey your daughter Noel some call a fairy? I think you know what I mean some say a queen, but it is what it is, so she’s gay, did not your God make her that way? Yes I believe he did.
Hey she is cool with me but the Bible you read doesn’t accept that you see?
You can live free~
On time bought buy the blood~
Times running short~
And so is the love~
Those who reject others reject themselves in turn God also will reject you~
Not sure what bible you read, But you know not the creed.
You Judge and sit tight now~
Think it’s all right now~
Time has a way of making you complacent you see?like so many others, fake and a snake slither the earth~
Not sure why I write this for I do not curse, vengeance is God’s~
Perhaps I am a small instrument he used to keep you on track and not be confused.
God is not the author of confusion you see, I’ll always accept you, yet you have yet to accept me or my son~
Perhaps retribution has begun……
Turn the other cheek?
Turn away the meek?
The weak?
Helpless?
Well …you did!
He now is a young man
No longer a kid.
I write all this down~
It’s my therapy you see~
I advocate for breaking stigmas~
Breaking exclusiveness~
Bringing in inclusiveness~
For all who suffer affliction~
Both physical and of the mind~
I try to think myself kind~
I often fall short~
Trust I’m no saint that’s for sure~
But enough is enough I’m letting you …..now endure~
Forgive me for my in your face ways, but we all know the bill somebody pays~
Truly I strive to forgive I try to be courageous in how I now live~
Such as this is the case but I truly give thanks for Gods loving grace~
God’s grace abounds the utterance the sound of cries long gone from days long past~
To think at one time I thought Your sons love for me and his child might last~
I want to thank you for training up your child Donnell in the way he should go, so that when he gets old he will not depart from it.
So I write a lot in quiet I sit, no doubt I’m a sinner too,
But I’m sure I’m not a sinner like you~
Not for Reproduction~
Updated~Two Week Notice~yeah already~—
Dear God up above I can still feel your love…. but I’m sorry to say I must leave go away~ you called me a light worker, I can only do so much never ever figured out what is the human touch.
You blessed me with human a beautiful baby boy. I’m entrusting you to him, he is a child and yet my sin~when I try to write my book I don’t even know where to begin my life was fast like a whirlwind…and pieces scattered about and within
It’s all like a puzzle that was left in a closet hidden away, no one notice nor knew what to say
Laying by the devils side it isn’t hard to decide, he is the God of this world I now see, and I figured out the exit for me…. for any who look and choose to see, my mission complete~
So just give two weeks notice and keep the memories they serve no purpose when I’m gone. My words will live on and on. I planted seeds along the way, somehow though was led astray. So here I am Lord here I lay so I request an early judgement day.
I would do the same for my son, I would love him no matter what he may have done.
I ask in return you bless his life free of worry grief strife…. to live to laugh to love to know I can still see him from far above.
I laid by the devils side for over half my life it caused me to much pain to much strife and as a human being I’m sick of this life… I quit. Well I’m giving my two week notice as any good employee of a universal truth I must say I did enjoy my youth….. sometimes…. it reminded me I wasn’t meant for here, I was wild free and truly fierce scared of NOTHING!!!! Not even death. I couldn’t wait to take a last breath… but I endured and at times I laughed
But often rejected due to class, stereotypes, and bullshit in general full circle around but this time my Lord I leave this playground~ two weeks notice not to long to go and when I get where I’m Going please don’t say “I told you so” see ya soon!
Probably by noon
~Nicole~Unyielding~ Triumphed~My Hand in Gods~
I am a delicate rose 🌹 in the month of May, However my thorns although hidden, will flare out and remind others I am not an easy fight. And fight you I will.
I will leave you quickly and move on should I feel you’re not worthy of a love/friendship of mine.
I ………truly Lord am not asking too much, I just want someone to make me feel… feel again, the warmth of them on cold nights. Too connect and help heal the whole in my heart ❤️ created by a trust that was broken~
I was choking on my own words listening to the excuses being made around me, choking trying to say let it be.
I have a gaurdian and it protects me… I don’t always accept its help instead I jump and run then later I wish I had a pistol a gun then I could literally put a whole in my heart I could be done with this world 🌎 it tore me apart~
But it won’t let me, it whispers in my ear that now is not the time but it will stay near to catch me when I fall, softly and I cry and I ask it why. Just be still for once stop running a race stay on track with a steady pace. It you see… is God in me. Be still my child I will redeem the time for you, restore what was lost, you done your raging, you paid your cost. A reward awaits you , you will see I am with you and your always with me~
I was inspired by a piece of work from Zachary K.Douglas…
Bipolar Tapestry~Poetic Thoughts 