~The Art of Being Sorry in 4 Simple Steps~

The art of sorry in 4 easy steps…….

For the majority of us being sorry is something we often feel when we do something wrong. We often forget is that when we truly are sorry and we apologize to the other person with whom we done wrong too we open ourselves up for hurt.

Feeling regret or remorse or sorry is an emotion that humans feel after doing something against their lack of better judgment or against their values or morals…..basically in any circumstances that they should’ve acted differently in.

Previously I stated you open yourself up for hurt when you truly are sorry, you then proceed to tell the person with whom you have wronged that hey “I’m sorry truly sorry”

What happens when you are sorry 1. You say it and 2. Mean it and 3. Leave yourself open to the persons response there are no “but’s” or “Could’s” or “Should’s” or Would’s” 4. There is but one single statement” I am sorry” that is all that should come out of your mouth. Next you should prepare yourself to receive whatever the other person Has to say in response to your contriteness silently listening without excuses.

Lately it appears or so it seems that the majority of relationships that I engage in are all one sided. This makes for a lonely existence. Unfortunately however alone it may feel I am learning that it is necessary to limit those around you who continuously make excuses or are master manipulators at trying to always turn everything into their “reasons for” never truly being sorry , only wanting to explain why they did what they did… see that is not sorry, Or at least where I come from that’s not what I was taught.

So to recap…..don’t ever say that you were sorry unless it is the only three words that you were going to say to the person you wronged,there is no excuse for whatever you’re sorry for that’s why it’s called being sorry….So there it is 4 simple steps to the Art of truly being sorry.

~Breaking Bad~One Hundred And One Days of Hell~Most Recent Manic Attack~

I have thought over and over about the events that provoked my most recent manic episode.

It began on July 28 of 2018. Let me begin by saying that often extreme Manic episodes take time to build up to a Crescendo so to speak, to hit its high….. to hit the apex of insanity. Stress always is the catalyst, I hadn’t seen my son in months although I share custody. I was being parentally alienated, I was in a stressful relationship and I had to many people around me with drama,like mental vampires that suck all your peace and solitude away from your mind.

As I write this I realize that this may be too much to write too soon after these events occurred, events that should never occurred yet unfortunately did.

But I want to be brave and I don’t want what happened to me to happen to others, that is why I write this blog is to educate and share my personal experiences in hope that someone else can learn and understand bipolar disorder and posttraumatic stress disorder better. Read the links below this Is where 2 inmates died in less than a year in this jail because they don’t care and do what they want when they want. Why? They don’t listen nor care , See that’s another thing they won’t give you your meds either. I take benzodiazepines, you are not to stop abruptly or you could go into seizure and die. I know this happened to me once while baker acted I almost died because they wouldn’t give me my usual dose of benzodiazepine. Here is the article this only shows part of the negligence at Lake County jail

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.wftv.com/amp/news/9-investigates/lake-county-sheriffs-office-investigates-armor-correctional-following-inmates-death/760398047 and here is another story https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.orlandosentinel.com/news/lake/os-ne-lake-county-jail-inmate-suicide-20190122-story,amp.html

I lost a lot this last episode I even lost myself for a while. I should’ve been baker acted but instead I was taken to jail for 101 days of hell.

I was also tasered in the heart while seated in my vehicle by an officer who knows and is well aware of my condition…..my disability which is bipolar disorder and posttraumatic stress disorder and yet he treated me and my disability without regard. This cop has baker acted me before. The police report is full of lies all my stuff was stolen there were about 20 responders…. too many …. shit got all fucked up, and a lot of my expensive things are gone….. stolen. I even lost my car.

I can’t go into detail right now after a lot of thought, I also have attorneys they probably wouldn’t want me talk about my experience while they are investigating case numbers of complaints I was brave enough to report to a nurse who helped me.

I held onto that piece of paper with a single case number and the name of the officer who put me into a room alone with him present while I was directed to write all of the things that happened to me.

I remembering asking him after hours of writing “is that all I get is a piece of paper with just a case number no dates no nothing but a number and your name?” Seriously?” Yep.

I was called the quiet one in jail. I didn’t talk much and I never cried. Couldn’t I shut down. I had no emotion left. Most likely all the trauma. Upon release on November 5th still no emotions. Honestly I only started crying after I watched all of the show “Breaking Bad” I completely could relate to Jesse’s character at the end, he drives away, and Walter white (aka Eisenberg) is on the lab floor dying as the cops are coming. That was the last episode…..I could feel for the first time watching it as it ended Jesse did the most amazing job of hitting that steering wheel so hard crying and screaming from all he endured, I felt it in…..that moment and it all bled through and finally after 5 and half months I cried…… so hard.

One day maybe I’ll tell more. Till then you can fill in blanks or not.

Perhaps I should have called this Breaking Bad…. 101 days of hell..or

“Finally I Cried, I’m beginning to feel again. . Now maybe I can learn to write again I’m learning to live again slowly. Thanks for reading. Breaking Bad definitely…….

~My Effin Eulogy-My Epitaph~

My Eulogy, My epitaph

Can’t be written

Can’t contain

All the bullshit that Will remain

You know not about silence you have no clue~

You think art a weapon

Used by you?

Ha!

That is funny!

Think your self special my darling My honey~

I can spit out words faster than you think~

Faster than the bottle from ,Which you drink~

Don’t announce yourself to me

Tell me your ~I’m back”~

You’re the fire the lightening, Really is that a fact?

Or more bullshit you concote, Damn what a shock~

Not really your predictable you see?

If I want to see then I will, Otherwise should’ve let it be

Hacking my blog!

Think it’s cool?

All that college all that school, And to think I think you nothing more than a fool~

So you crack a code, Mix a spell,All that shit go to hell~

The jewel you found, Fascinated were you~

But you did see, That I can view, Things unseen, Feel you too~

I have a gift given at birth, Some say a blessing ,I often think it a curse~

So trend your words ,Algorithm and stride ,Get ready my Darling,For your big ride~

I could write and write, Forever you see especially,When it’s about you And me~

I’m lyrically gifted as well its seems, I take one simple word make it a dream……

Or a nightmare to frighten to scare To remind all who know me, Best beware~

There is not another you Know like me, but I know others exist….

I live in the know, Just as the tides ebb and flow~

Some say I’m a Cather of Catherism, no protest! But they do nonetheless~

My Tribe are the shaman, oracles of old.. Catherism….lights shine through the glass of a church like a prism~

Make others wonder how this is so, Art is no weapon!

Ha!

It’s a beautiful dance, It is what I am, What I will always be~

My epitaph~

My Eulogy~

I’m living,You see~

I forgot you know not, Blinded by ego~

A hurt that is fake, You go crawl the earth now, You scorpion snake~

#######

~Hell in Your Eye’s~

Walking, Waiting
Flying through the air

Hoping, Hating

Things that I can not bear

Did you think it’s cool to walk right up, To take my life and fuck it up

Well did you?

The Angel of what was me

I can no longer see

I see hell in your eyes

Even behind your disguise

Takin in by surprise

Touching you makes me feel so alive…….

Touching you makes me die inside

Oh I’ve slept so long without you

Alone with too much pain

Elements surround you

The Earth, Water, Fire, Air

You descend upon me without a care…..

Suppressed by your power

Your charming flair

In the witching hour

You curled around me

I was yours to devour

Now chains kept upon me

Seems I’ll never leave

Taking in by surprise

I see hell in your eyes

~Glorious Victory~Stories Legends are Made of~

Thy kingdom beyond the clouds doth reign~

Shall thy defend this kingdom in vain

Wonderful glory of beauty beseech

Because thy own to far must reach

Horse hooves loudly roar

Upon this ground

Upon the sound

Upon thy mercy lay thy crown

Soldiers tarry and bravely fight

They battle deep into the night

There waits a queen whose faith is shaken~

Her lords crown may soon be taken

Doth people of common understand

That they toil upon stolen land

Beauty of thine yet more to seek

Across the crowds our eyes doth meet~

Horses hooves loudly roar

As knights from battle fight no more

Kingdom bound to feast and dance

Till yet again another chance

To defend thy kingdom

Thy people, thy crown

To defeat that beast come from the ground~

To hear that glorious, victorious sound

To place upon the king his crown

Then yet once more shall thy ascend

To fight this battle yet once again

Because this kingdom I defend!

Because this kingdom I defend!

With glorious victory till bitter end~

Not For Reproduction~

~Hades Gate~Legends~

Chattering heard whispers distance

Laden thoughts loudly waken

Inner peace completely shaken

grandeur spectacle,grace abound

Wings spread outward a glorious sound

Heaven bound! heaven bound !

But darkness creeps,the hell found

Majestically tathered whilst in flight

Eyes fixed dilated penetrating sight

Your face appears

A subtle grin

scales of justice

Weighs right in

Extending hands seal this fate

Reaching out past hades gate

Mere mortals shutter with defeat

While broken limb doth demons eat

Wishful fate Grasping hold I reach

But you slipped away

Your spirit yielded

I could not look

Your heart was empty

The hour glass shook

Cracked upon the floor

Sand spilling out

My fervent screams

into a mystical shout

Am I your angel?

Am I your demon?

Exalted I flex my wings

Fascinating melody will I sing

Searching for you

Bring you back

Hold you close

As thunder claps

Breath new life, I’ll quicken you

Perplex your mind

While I search onward

For my own kind

NJM~

Not for Reproduction~