~Your Words Lack Presence as do You~NJM~
~Personal Quotes~NJM~
~Your Words Lack Presence as do You~NJM~
Category Archives: Awareness
~Retribution~ great read!
Often you hear that Karma is a bitch, that they’ll get theirs. “Who gives them the bill?” I asked in prayer one day, hear is what I heard God say “you don’t need to do nothing, most of the time I do it for you, but there are times I give you the strength for you to see it through.”I decide when and who you collect the bill, unless I tell you to then best stay still. ” so I am the instrument you use sometimes I get the ideas from you the Devine? Yes my child that is correct and don’t for get what to collect and always remember we don’t take checks”
I laughed out loud when I heard this at first God has a sense of humor I thought as I continued to pray, then I heard when the time comes you will know who must pay, I don’t allow much of this type of collection to be done but for some my child that day will come don’t deviate from my plan as I will use you for retribution with my Devine hand~NJM~
Not for Reproduction~
~The Non Traditional Christian & Being Bipolar~NJM~
I used to use twitter a lot. The above tweet is one dear to me, and although it may have not received attention as others tweets, it is a true statement about the perils of Bipolar disorder.
Lately I write a bit less, and with that I notice less “Likes” on my post. I get lots of “shares” but no one I follow seems to be touched by my words. Not touched enough to “like”or moved enough to comment.
I wrote about courage recently and one other person like it, it was shared among facebook 4 times. Guess what? I don’t care. It’s not about the “likes” or even the shares. It’s about my expression of feelings that I feel I need to convey. It’s about courage. If someone gets something from it, then my work is done. If no one gets nothing from it, my work is still done. Why, you ask? Because I received something from it. I purged a thought, feeling, or a need to express. I found courage to write. To share.
Sure my prayer is to inspire, to teach, to eventually become a great writer, a best-selling author. Sure I am also an unorthodox oxymoron as well. A contradictions of sorts. Does the bible not indeed contradict as well? Yes. Indeed it does. Why? It’s left open to interpretation that is why.
I am the church, not a building. I don’t fellowship in a brick and mortar tower that cost millions to build. No. I fellowship with those I see daily at work. I try to encourage and lead by example, to wish everyone a blessed day. Should we all be as fortunate? indeed.
I have a calling on my life, I knew this while serving a year in jail at age 19. I just was not sure what it was. I did at one time have the ability to give prophecy. I lost that as time went by. I see bits and pieces still, but only when I draw near to God. I often fall short in that category. But I get up and try again. Never stop trying.
I am non traditional. Never wanted to be like what I had been exposed to. However, I fell short at times. Fitting in seems important at certain stages of life, so we compromise our true nature that God instilled in us to fit in.
Some would say ” if God exist why does so much bad happen? why are you bipolar, so on so forth…
I’ve examined this many times. There is a passage in the bible that states that many mysteries are yet to be revealed. That we have not the mind of God therefore we know not what God knows. What I will say is these two words “Free Will” it was ours the moment we entered this world. Our will is powerful if we use it. The problem is many use their will for exploiting and hurting others. The weaker minds allow for this to happen, and then bad things happen.
You may say then “What of illness, disease? Again I have no exact answer. What I can say, is some of the greatest and inspiring stories are about those who are ill. I am ill. My son is ill, he has type 1 diabetes and Aspergers. Wow he is a testimony of taking his illness and turning it into testimony. He made honor roll recently. He is in 6th grade. He is part of my personal testimony, for he is my son. Train up a child in the way they should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it. {Proverbs 22:6}
My God, I can’t believe that I was basically married at his age. Yes, you heard me. I married 48 days after I turned 14. I had just turned 14!!! Who would allow such in a modern society, abuse and illness from my Mother propelled me to such. To much degree all are ill. I don’t hide my illness. I am open so that others may learn from my experience.
Think of me as a generic Christian my set of values and standards may be different from yours, but we are all indeed human. We can go further in our future as a race and our beliefs if we begin to look at each other as another “human” and be that. A human being.
Our imagination has a myriad of possibilities we project which eventually molds our future possibilities which lay before each of us.
In order to make a difference we must engage our conscious to the voice of God and the nature of heart to man/human.
So this day as I pray, I pray for you, as I ask you pray for me…..like a pay it forward prayer act.
I leave you with my bipolar thoughts now…
The heart may be the bodies strongest muscle but it’s also most fragile for all its strength it is also the weakest how’s that for irony?
As previously stated…..
Imagination is the myriad of possibilities we project and mold our future possibilities that lay before each of us.
We must engage our conscious, it too is the voice of God and the nature of heart in man.
So I reach out I hear the song of angels whispering……
I’m there for you
Expecting nothing in return, &
The amazing melodies of nature that only God can sing
The ability to hear it once again. May we all be so fortunate.
Thanks for reading my bipolar non traditional Christian thoughts.
~NJM~
~ Lacking Feeling~
Disappearing into your gravity
can’t help it,
It raddled my mind
shakes my existence to the core
Yet in the place I am. I desire more
More than the justice lacking
The people slacking
Cyber hacking
Only a bleak
Shell of someone
Something
Happening
Hanging by a tread
Attached still the needle
Somehow won’t let go
Yet the needle will not yield
Any useful artifact
Lacking form
Without
Feeling~
~Chapter 4~ Rejection~ An Excerpt of Upcoming Thriller~ truly a engaging read!
I’m working on a thriller as most who follow me should know. I throw out pieces of chapter so you are engaged and will want to buy my book. It is based strongly on my life’s events I did not change names expect 1. Everyone else is not innocent. Also time frames may be changed. Enjoy~~
Chapter 4 Rejection~
She was completely encased in thoughts …..of her life leading up to this moment, thoughts such as the one she was reliving in her head when her cousin took away the innocence of life. Her life. Mind drifting to him; having her lay naked before him, spreading her legs… examining every inch and crevices he desired, tracing her young yet well developed curves exploring her, she desired him more….so she stayed still and let him have his way. He also undressed, the shock of seeing what differences their body’s anatomies were both scared and even aroused her ….more than just curiosity.
He moved slowly over her, his male hood yielded a large stiff appendage as he pressed against her between her legs but never fully penetrating her… maybe that was his rationalization, that it was ok. Not completely penetrating her. Yet getting her to touch him and stroke him…..exposing her to the porn he craved, setting her body in the positions of the center folds. It was all perverted and screwed up.
That’s where her sexual problems most likely stemmed from.
The need to please those who desire her. How ironic even more, that men she knew desired her as much as she desired the men who would never return what she would desire in the other men…. never returning a complete circle.
Will it be a perpetual cycle, a curse her cousin passed to her for what he did, what she allowed….. did she allow? Her age was 7 so she then she reasoned that it was completely not her allowing it to happen, although it definitely did, her need of his love and acceptance was the important thing for her at the tender age of 7.
Suddenly the phone rang jogging her thoughts back to the present moment.
“Honey have you had any luck in locating your brothers?” The levies broke and water is flooding by the minute in New Orleans” “Yes I did, I found all of them and spoke at length to one of your ex husbands.” He informed me where I Could find them, I called each and spoke to Dennis for awhile.
She felt close to Dennis. Although they never met. Perhaps it was because he was oldest She was youngest?
Or perhaps her Jungian philosophy ….that there are signs you just need to look at, archetypes, All that crap she learned earning her bachelors degree in Psychology.
Looking back the archetype would appear to be the letter D.
Her first love was her Daddy. Her first romantic love was Dirk(he is dead now) then she married Dewitt who was nothing like he presented himself to be, which caused the ultimate demise and divorce of them. Then Donnell her sons biological fuck up. That’s just a majority of the D’s she was sure she could think up more. All those D’s. Thinking to herself no more D’s please.
Then again like a strike of lightening thoughts flooded her mind. Why didn’t her older brothers ever search for her?they knew how abusive their Mother was, she tried to reach out to her only sister Jackie. With some success it went well for several years. They never visited but did talk over phone a lot. Especially when Jackie found out about her husband Mark’s infidelity. She would call everyday crying.
Mark eventually filed for divorce making the call a constant barrage, unending emotions her sister needed to get out. Noel then thought again, I’ve been there for all of my friends,her sister…. who is gonna be there for her if she falls?
If only she could see the future, her plans would have turned on another road she would be able to possibly stop the demise of what would be the most horrendous events that unfolded when she would turn 38.
When Katrina misplaced her to Leesburg Florida, where she would move across the street from an over privileged teen who’s Dad was a closet gay and also happened to be an Episcopalian pastor. That boy, now a man would crush what beauty she had….. she would never have left her home in Mississippi. She would have stayed there if only she could’ve looked into the future, oh how different events would have unfolded. No online affair with Ayman Chaer no nude snap shots tagged to 500 people, no abusive relationship with Dewitt. No treacherous teen William Lambert across the street whos’ dad Jay Lambert was a closet gay, no Florida at all…..!!
Looking back Pastor Lambert was always offering William to help me,he did so in hopes of William and I engaging in sex with hopes William wouldn’t be gay as he was. Pastor Lambert’s life was hard, living as a heterosexual with a beard/wife having children. All the things society expected when Pastor Lambert was growing up. In hinds sight he wanted William to be saved from that life that was a lie, a facade. A life in a closet. But it is 2008 so get real already! If your son wants to be gay, then embrace him and his desires, don’t changed him to live vicariously through him.
But it was to late to go back now………the story has unfolded and here she is, debris, shit, betrayal, Lies, abuse, remorse, shame, but what mostly ate at her was those who abandoned her, rejected her in the time she needed them most. It started in childhood all the way to those events…it was and is the rejection.
~Listen Closely~
I love you son
You’ve paid consequence
For things you have not done
Rejected by his blood
Oh Kerr nothing is forever
Lost his mother to madness
Leaving my son alone with Sadness
I’m capturing slowly
The mother he needs
But the biggest relief
Will be punishment for the thief
Simoleons could not restore all the love I shared before
Simoleons is all you seek
Perhaps that currency Will
Make you weak
Oh greed, ruthless heart
Torn his world all apart
My Son the Lord is not slack
I ask for wholeness be restored
My son come from virtual reality
Living in the computer
Come back dear boy
Un Submerge your mind
From technology
It’s where my demise began
I’ve paid my dues oh so dearly
However he had no part
The stealing of my pictures
Posting them
His Mom falling apart
So when will the consequences
Fall heavily upon the thief, liar That caused so much grief
When I see your consequence come to pass
Lord knows it’s then I’ll find my relief
You’ve damaged him
While I was driven mad
As previously stated he is sad
He wants his mother
The one before October 1 2009
It’s that mother I’m working on so he Will find
That Karma and God have a way
To make you all pay
Your family too
I wish you nothing more
Nor nothing less
For you…….. And yours
I must confess
Pain you caused him
Yes I’ve already paid
But innocent was he
For your unthought causality
Well unknown causalities
Comes with collateral damage
So think long and hard before you creep
Your daughters and sons will pay as did mine
In this the Lord promised in Due time~
These words are not mine, they came to me after I prayed awhile….
Lord knows God works in mysterious ways~
Abuse … Leave updated.
Below is a post from 2014 it needs and update.it is a police record of him hitting me that night his mug shot.
When they came they took my 6 year olds account of what happened the very son he tries to keep me from and my son said I saw him hit my Mom.
This man is crazy and makes those around him crazy.
He is a bully a tyrant a bold in your face lair who Wrote a later stating he was 80% wrong then retracts it back and retracted moments he apologized and wrote that he was 80% wrong!
Below is a post from 4 yrs ago it is a reminder that liars and abusers get away and are not held accountable for their actions.
He Lies try to use my disability against me! Oh the crazy he has tried since then.
When they took him to jail that night he talked his way out and provoked me as he always trie and uses illness.
LISTEN if HE HITS YOU, if He belittles you, provokes you, try to make you do things you don’t want, putting you down, that is abuse leave! Don’t sit around for 20 years in a wishful fantasy that WILL NOT COME THROUGH!
Get up take back your power lock and load.
Be mindful pay attention and leave now especially if you suffer mental illness.
They use your illness against you!
Turn it around make sure to be open to others to break stigma and abuse I’ve long suffered.
Make those who hurt you accountable especially when children are involved.
Thank you for listening
Below is the post from 4 years ago.
My Lawyer and I are going to go to the beginning in this fight for custody, it all began on June 29th 2010 after he was arrested for hitting me. He came out of jail and lied about me contacting him and had me thrown in jail for violation of injunction, which I posted earlier about my run in’s with Lake County and Fruitland Park Police. Basically I was forced to marry this psycho in order to see and be around my son. He used my mental disability against me, here are some of the many excerpts of his indiscretions. Time to see the truth.
This was from the arrest which is the catalyst to the present events.This is His arrest for battery strike. He later lied and said I contacted him,He then contacted the corrupt police here where I live and like now he lied and had me baker acted. I have much more to share beyond this so stay tuned this is only the beginning.
In fact I have much more, but since my Iphone was stolen along with my credit cards while I was baker acted its hard to navigate this process since I am using different methods to post. I have the police report of his baker act in May on the 17th when he tried to commit suicide. I also have the 911 call made on August the 12th. My lawyer and I listened to it today, very interesting indeed. Stay tuned.
~NJM~Quotes~Historyof Men and God~
God created man in his own image? What they don’t tell you is the copy is no where near the original~NJM~
~A King’s Desire~
A swiftness to your speech
Proclivity to your touch
Behind my ear a whisper clear
I feel your need as you draw near
Hot breath behind my neck
The persistence in your grasp
You unarm me by slow movement; poignant sly
Cunning sensuous
Am I meant for this?
To be for you
In waking life in dream too
I bow beneath your weight
As you vigorously guide the lead
I am feeling as though I’m your prized steed
Riding through this lust slow yet posthaste
I forgot just how you love this place between the peaks and valleys down below
You know I am the only one to fully fill your need
Allowing you to take me there upon my soul you feed
I give you freely what you covet most
Think me more than a sexual host
An equal is what I am you see, I’m vivacious tenacious and quick on my move I’ll spin you around crawl your walls
Take you down
As kings and queens both wear a crown
NJM~Personal Quotes~
Sometimes festering in your own shit,covered inherently in your ignorant deceit may you look in the mirror & realize it’s time to come clean~
Bipolar Tapestry~Poetic Thoughts 