Your life is not yours, it is a series of events you walk through blindly.Deceiving yourself thinking your eyes were open~that’s truth~NJM~
Category Archives: Anguish
~Bipolar Self Check & Cycles~
Being bipolar and knowing that patterns such as triggers and time frames, stress the very fact that we cycle is extremely important. History tends to repeat itself, many things repeat themselves, bipolar individuals happen to skid into this surreal area a little too often.
Wanna know something else all the meds in this world can’t stop what I just mentioned. Lifestyle combined with a medicinal regiment can avert most travesty. But medicine alone can’t. I know. I’ve gone manic, in fact bonkers and was still on my meds. Was I fun, uh not really….well maybe for a bit, but only to myself.
Know something else,the company you keep, the person you may love can be the very trigger that spirals you off balance.
So the question I ask myself and you, are you gaining you right now? That’s right, are you gaining YOU? Or losing pieces here and there before you know it you’re everywhere, all the while thinking you’re put together or at least coming off that way. Hiding that Bipolar cloak and dagger in our pockets ready to pull that pocket inside out and release all that debris and shreds of crap at the bottom. You know the shit you feel in the empty pocket….looks like dust bunnies living there. Those dust bunnies are you, that debris is you and and all that pent up crap.
Are or you the cloth that the pocket is concealed in? Looking all sheik and stylish, but inside crying out with no voice? interesting how its this way or that and this goes for everyone bye the way, not just us bipolar people. People out there, you can learn a lot from those like me willing to share my life, thoughts, feelings, and you don’t have to have bipolar to gain insight either, this is a one size fits all kinda stuff that human beings go through. Just we may handle it a bit different.
I’m writing this for myself, for all those reading this, it’s self check time.
What is healthy? It’s having all YOUR needs met. Is this happening right now? Are do you feel short changed? I feel a bit short changed to tell you the truth. Hey, I am being honest.
Are you happy? Are or you up and down all the F’n way around and it’s due partially to the company you keep? Yeah I mean face it we all are a bit F’d up in our own way, but do we need more of it from others at specific turning points of our life? Crossroads….they are everywhere by the way, and just a reminder…uh.. they can happen any day.
Should you be alone? Yes! Sometimes being alone before polluted thinking takes over you, helps you to clearly see what you couldn’t before and remove yourself from any given situation whether it be love, business, friendships, or just being social at this time.
But living in this world you must take care of you first. You have nothing to give out to others no love or kindness if you don’t love yourself and are not genuinely kind to you.
The road ahead may be a bit stressful but if diplomatically approached you can ease through most anything bipolar or not.
These are my Bipolar Thoughts at this time, hope you got something out of it.
It’ my story, I’m sticking to it. What’s yours?
NJM~
~Love~
He that loveth not knoweth not God. For God is LOVE! 1 John 4: 8
So love more hate less and don’t ride fences. ~NJM~
So smile you are loved!
~The Past~
I pull away. You’ve hurt me. There is nothing that will ever heal it completely.
My soul is dim, all due to him… You.
But all in all I love you too.
Love doesn’t live in digits it surpasses age, transcends boundaries . Number are numbers. Pick one.
That simple~Always.~
Ttys.
~DAR~Updated
Hello how you feeling today We ended the month of May
While you were yet away
Doctors seem stupid in light of it all, I’ve watched for so long now saw how you fall
Hello my dear enemy my oldest friend half our lives are now gone this could be your end
I’m not going to sugar coat nor
Make it taste sweet, see we both shocked each other before
Knocked us off our feet.
I will always be here for you while I am here. There can’t be a promise no matter what you think you hear.
I realize now we both live our biggest fear.
I’m glad we found peace after all that fucked up shit.
I know you want to take back all the things you did, I want to forgive you but I did, I just don’t forget.
Knowing this is always going to be regret…. for us both.
We grew up together then grew far apart.
I hope they can heal you and your heart, yes it’s broken in many ways.
But if they release you from the hospital now then count your days.
So we have your diagnosis congestive heart failure. You’re biggest challenge now is will God be in your favors, or will you dies in your 40’s like I once said,
If this is the case you are gonna be dead.
I am what I’ve become
And I have not a clue what I’ll be
But I have a clearer vision now and I see what I see.
Everyone deserves love in some type of way.
I pray to God you find that love before your dying day.
That’s what I pray
It’s all I have to say
Be well~
He needs you more.
Rejected like me don’t let him be. So live damn it, live change what you need. Think of your son now, let go of the greed.
I hope you read this and it plants the seed.
~NJM~
~My Message on Mental Illness~Change the World~Breaking Stigma one courageous step at a time~please hit the like button if you suffer mental illness~ thank you.
Lunacy of the mind, Craziness of the heart Never letting go never to part. Mind racing from subject to subject
You see, the lunatic I speak of is me. I am always in thought, spinning out of control, mostly I care , I am an old soul.
Standing up, speaking out, I’ll educate, even during the lunatic state. Most creative in times of manic
As words flow like rhymes, I’ll feel the touch of something Devine. Thinking my self as super human impervious to danger, I’ll talk or walk up to any stranger.
Privileged to share my experience with some, but the heart of my message is yet to come. I feel overwhelmed favor when those want to know more about me, my illness and what I have done. Asking advice of me, listening well, I speak of only my truth to tell, to help, encourage, to give some hope, and strength, to no longer hide, but stand up with pride. Be who your are, this is the key that will get you far, far away from those who judge and doubt you, soon you will stand up and teach as I do.
My mission is simple to impart understanding, compassion from all in regard to mental illness both in the great and the small. Whether you deny or accept the truth that I speak will certainly convey whether you care or are weak, scared, judging our illness. We all have illness whether you care to admit. Like it or not we all are in this together, to weather the storm… By learning not judging will cause much less harm.
I’ll change this world, I’ll follow each step, with God next to me leading the way, waking each morning each day I pray.
Lord give me the strength to not run and hide, but the endurance to prevail and keep up in stride. I know I have a message to give, I’m certain this is why I’m still live. Should have died so many times in the past, but you watch over me making sure I last.
I’m the lyrical master of poetry and rhymes, but I’ll have much more to do than that to write in due time. Guiding my hand as I write down each word, trust in this, my message will be heard.
I’m coming into my own, took long enough to trudge through the shit all that mess it was ruff. Planted firmly I pray each and every day, not to sway or be fake, for the battle ahead is not mine to take. It’s left in hands stronger than mine, my Lord my King hands that’s Devine.
So let the words God gives me to say unto you inspire in me awaken the world their eyes to see, that so much unseen lurks all around, including mental illness to which many are bound. Let my enemies be left in your hands and lead me straight into your plans. I realize I’ll stumble along this path I must take,
But keep grounded alive and awake.
Let sleep renew each night in me, the courage the plans you entrusted to thee.
So when I feel beaten alone and deprived remember my purpose from you and why I’m alive. Thank you, and you, and you as well, you all in fact that God put in my path, whether you are still around or gone at long last.
Those who wish of me to go to hell and fail, sorry so sorry, for I will prevail. With God by my side and those who love me, in the right season you’re gonna see. May the reward of your intentions towards me I pray that soon oh so soon I shall see in the upcoming day. Much love, Namaste~
I will begin to draft all popular post and roll only the post I feel need to begin to be heard~ Thank you.
I will take my popular work and drafted it not be seen and run only the 1017 cypress excerpts, retribution, premise of my book, mostly DONNELL KERR POST… the bishop post my Momma’s post if I don’t see more support on these. It’s dear to my heart you read them, like them understand them, the pain in them and rejection in them. I follow you because I value you and your words. I like them. I need these to take prevalence. Thank you ahead of time for understaning . I mean these are serious post NO ONE should have to endure. Where is the empathy???where is the love from all you who follow me? These post hit home and have a story that is the catalyst that provoked my illness. Sure indeed these are the things that also inspire the writing you do love. It hurts that they’re just overlooked !
The post that roll after this are the ones I seek support and to educate all that read them. There are Also some really old post too from 2014, Thank you for your empathy understaning and support.
~It Could Be Worse~ Fragmented~NJM~
I drank the poison
I sit quietly as storms brew around me
Damn dark clouds spinning wondering…………………could it be worse?
Lately I’m Reducing myself to a child like statements “I never asked to be born!” God.
Cloudy day you will not catch me vulnerable off guard
Depression is my muse
So in my craziness let me lay and in your mouth of madness pray
Quit toying with me finish me this day already or release me
I need philosophical conversation less hesitation
How about it is what it is, instead of trying to make it something that it isn’t
The worse that can happen is the worse.
Moods mixed dripping from a rusty faucet or are the bowels of despair and hopeless abandonment. Eating away at your core? Wanting to feel this way no more
If you entered into a relationship today with the knowledge of knowing it will come to an end, would you engage and interact within and with that relationship? Define relationship… It’s myriads to scrutinize. Is the notion of such cause for suicide? Control? What of these….relationships. You’re living one now. It’s a relationship based with you and life. The other people are just the variables.
What do the people who are worse off do?
You often here it could be worse …. Well what of those that are locked away in a murderers cage……. What do they think ? It could be worse? I’m gonna die? So truly what is worse?
I will not concern myself with what I’m no longer concerned with. Yet I do. Contradict indeed. I’ll grab your hand to lead the way to have concern for you its in my DNA.
It’s all of what God wants what if I do otherwise will I be quickly be condemned thrown to purgatory? No I’ve made the bed it’s my consequence nothing more.
Lazy thoughts cloud conclusions unknown to basic rationalization Algorithm calculation
Over processed, infected by a virus. You are my virus, no cure in sight.
Seeds you planted are now overgrown weeds in my mind
Trimming them only makes them grow~
Bumpy potholes all over the road
Don’t make me your mission don’t be a mortar for me. Opposition. Save me.
Cloudy day you will not catch me vulnerable off guard
I awake to………..An instant acute awareness of all things, sharpened senses that if not properly used self destruct
I concealed my soiled hands behind my back, somewhere along the line I must have gone off track
I see the end…. Look don’t you… I forget your vision is clouded, and I’m filtering differently too. Lacking true vision that’s you
Like bad news of a death you speak of things you know not of, You hurt, is that all you know? Could be worse.
Unknown visitation trying you prepare. What exactly are you preparing for? Always be ready, You are you be you. It could be worse.
You loved and lost. But greater love is he who carries the Lord in their heart. Love never loses.
It could be worse
Skeletons with rotting flesh cling A pool of blood maps out the trail Stench of death fumes raise high many try running as many die, guess it could be worse~
I’m sick of awaking in a fog. God would you sit awhile let me hear your thunderous heavenly voice say it’s all okay including the fog and the occasional fire.
Tell me how long will we grovel at the feet of wealth and power How long will we bow to their golden calf.
How long will we curtsey to all the new religions? They water down truth until truth will be no more.
The awkward moment I see your mind is sick too, you only mimic society so they never knew, hypocrite~
Did God know bout you’re dyin day that it be of your own hand or his that has its way?
I feel so completely incomplete Take my hands stretch them out nail me to the cross then nail the cross to my feet Damn Martyr~
Laid upon the tall green grass my mind laid in textiles like tapestry in my head. Dampened thoughts moist with residue of complex philosophy and skewed intent wondering where the hell my life went in a different path, I feel alike lot Sylvia Plath~
There is steam on the window with writing on the glass….. But the words are blurry, I’m rushed in a hurry………. But to where I’m hurried too I know not. What does it say? Hurry……ok but where?
In this corner you think I’m in, your talons about to sink in I feel your claws grasping my skin… About to fly away with your prize your meal that has eyes.
Remember now I’m never how you envisioned maybe it be best you rethink your decision
Clearly I might snap and sting causing extreme collision.
I’m the benefits fully loaded equipt but without warranty yet still a guarantee.
The further back I step more space allowed between
I feel you less
Like a dog
I allowed you
To kick me
I returned
Again
Again
To my vomit
Then I had enough snapped and said the end~
Flesh hanging from my mouth….,..Carries the pieces you took from me raw and intact with my words my mouth alone. Your loss.
Herald bringer state the case close it well. Once told no more to tell. Usurper~
Sand storms blind suffocate Quick sand sucks you in like hate… Oh precious longing fate
Flares up as flames ignite, you sink into the quick sand you lost all control.
Figured you might~
Ensue the fight~
Problem is neither is right~
Truth be told I want what I want
Needs not the same, I’m over all childish games,
I don’t listen therefore I get hurt, pouring more pain in my heart
Still I hope somehow deep inside we never part, that God will allow for us a start….
Suppose we Will see…
What could be worse
~Quotes~NJM~
~Only the Joyrney is written, not the destination~Chose your roads wisely~NJM~
~Autobiography in Five Short Chapters~
Chapter 1.
I walk down the street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk I fall in. I am lost…… Helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
Chapter 2
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk, I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place. But it isn’t my fault.It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter 3.
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it there. I still fall in…….. It’s a habit. My eyes are open, I know where I am. It is my fault I get out immediately.
Chapter 4
I walk down the same street, there is a deep hole in the sidewalk, this time I walk around it.
Chapter 5
I walk down another street.
Anonymous ~
NJM~
The below song sums me up, and it’s to whoever knows all of me~
Bipolar Tapestry~Poetic Thoughts 