Loneliness~

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Loneliness

A feeling so singular

A despair that numbs

No one around you

No where for them to come

Much less would you run if they did

Who can you trust

In this life you have to have one

At least they say it’s a must

Don’t believe them

There is……

A home that is lost

Friends walk away

Seems in this life

Nothing will stay

Alone

In silence

Able to just think

To sink

Downward

Into the pits of ominous clouds

Thoughts of a past screams out loud

People who loved you

Lied

None kept

All I can feel

Is completely inept

A fear that grips

A suffering so real

That all you have left

Is no way to feel

But alone~

~Never Settle~

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Selling yourself short Going to lengths~

Settling~

for something less~

Find your value~

Know your worth~

Never sell yourself short~

Don’t sell out~

In the end

It’s you that will lose

Selling yourself short 

Giving…..

Settling 

With no return

What did you give?

What is your worth?

Do you sell yourself short?

Do you feel unworthy?

Are you unaware of yourself worth?

Yourself worth is your dreams, prayers, hopes, desires, goals that is what determines your self worth.
When accepting less than that you’re selling yourself short. You’re settling.
Suppose this happens to most of us at one time or another.
Standing your ground in what you believe is part of yourself worth.

Believing in yourself worth to the point that anything less than that which you desire, you will wait,

Knowing that by standing your ground in your belief……that what was designed and destined to be is going to come to pass.
However on the twist bipolar

Dark thought, perhaps this world is not to par with yourself worth, what of this then…..hmmm dark yet still thoughts to ponder.
Anyhow the point is clear….wait if you must strive for your goal and do not sell yourself short.
Never settle!

~Perimeters~

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Standoffish aloof
Not looking at you~

Perimeters~

Coordinates
Bubbles of glass with precise measures
Encasing
Protecting
Inviting Safety
Each equation
Etching the space
The fine area deemed just my space
Slowing building up walls
Curves edges and all
A saving grace …….before another…….yes again a setback, another fall
Drawing fine lines
Marking each point
Thoughts are layers, times frames~
The nexus holding the perimeters together
Wondering if you could ever……yes ever
Believe yet again in another
Even further still nothing is forever…….
Forever the same each second each moment bring about change
Bending each thought and molding each frame ~
Believing this time it will not be the same
But perimeters falter & twist & wind and morph like a darkness acting often unkind ~
Life is an altered course it unfolds into time a commodity given the day you were born but perimeters weaken
Coordinates torn ~
All the while strategy in progress to save what is left of the holes in my heart and pain in my chest~
Perimeters are guild lines I lacked for to long, but I learned this the hard way like any over played song
Boundaries blanket me safely from harm
I no longer lay upon your loved arm~
I no longer listen to your heart beat~
I no longer feel~
Perhaps I do feel a bit for another~
But time Will only put our coordinates together
Although I lack in certain knowledge in subjects not taught
I’ll still invade your mind I’ll still be in your heart
Can’t help what I know not what I feel but
Perimeters took those it was those it did steal~
I’m trying to self preserve trying to heal
My perimeters are unique & my numbers are mine
Circumference of my thoughts etched and in place I’ll think long and hard before I look upon another face~
So know if you ever tried to understand me or tried to break Through and let me let you in
My plan is to not feel this way yet again~
Still Plans often change lives rearranged
These measure are precise and I can carefully prepare to slice to dice the hurt and pain~
To continue this path
Retract & Refrain~

  ~Walking Away~With My Weirdness intact~

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I’m weird

I’m not of this world  🌎

The ether

I’m ethereal

I have lost

To much

The touch

The energy

The love

The essence

The Friends ……as I walked away

I lost it all

Had bills to pay

I lost my son, he is not the boy he was

And now it would seem I must accept I have lost a love I’ll never understand ……. boy to man~

So remember me and I’ll remember you….. yes I know I bit off more than I can chew

I lost the will to continue on

So I’m walking away it’s time to move on

You and I both know

You broke me

Still yet I am here

I’m gonna walk away now gotta learn somehow

You know I know you are with him

Hard headed always was

I’ll see you again in this I’m sure

Remember from this point my intentions pure

But I’m waving goodbye to you
I’m walking away now in this I know

I have to go

Walking away

Catch you on another day, time, place, or another life

These wounds cut like a knife

Looking back once more

Wish you would talk to me once Again, before I close the exit door

As…………………….. I’m

……….walking away~

~Purge~a Great Read~

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Purge~
Trying to get the filth off

Within and without

Mind filled with sickening doubt

Walking in circles

Looking for miracles

None have yet manifested

You’re disconcerting

Deception braking connection

Indifference is contagious

Contagious and you’re attitude

Outrageous

Purge

Fighting the urge

To reach out

Yet again

Only to be sickened

By pathogens

Treacherous intent

Your Atoms and neutrons

Electrons spin in swirl

Protons completely out of this world

Yet…….from distance

Mixing within me

I can see

Sickened by your previous deception

Giving birth

bitter conception

To your evil heart vicious

And I’ll always be suspicious

Of why you chose me

Was your vision clouded?

What? You couldn’t see

What a beautiful heart beneath this flesh beating barely in my chest…….

Stop! I’m not returning!

I’m purging you out

Being sure

I stay pure

In heart

Holding this life together

Because you tore it apart

I’ll purge all the urge

To never get close to you again~

Not for Reproduction~

~Did He~Good Read💯

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Did he know?
Turning her away
Aware
Catching each gaze
Allowing to stare
Did he care?
Holding her heart
Tore it apart
Did he cry?
Knowing his lie
Would crush her
Can he live?
Give back to her
Parts he broke
Or will he choke?
As he cries gasping for air
Knowing just how little he cared
Will he recognize?
His selfish condition
Serving him first
Greed, thirst
Will he lie?
To himself
Others
Compensating for his
Malice
Will he come clean?
Tell the truth openly
Hoping his loss and his story
Will teach reach others like him
Or Will he fester in disdain?
Always thinking he is above
He is right
Never learning heartless cold
Slowly as he takes his lies to his death as he grows old.
Or can he find courage?
Knock on her door
Eyes down looking at the floor
Asking forgiveness for the trouble he caused, the pain he unleashed
Finding each word as they spill forth from his mouth…. Freeing his soul
Bringing healing to her finally made whole
Did he know?

Not for Reproduction~

IMG_0040

IMG_0040-0

Ironic~

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I am a human being
I am not your possession
I am a singular Person
I am not alone in this World
I am unconditional
I am not without Standards
I am a control freak
I am not always in control
I am intelligent
I am not without ignorance
I am bipolar
I am not crazy
I am open about my mental illness
I am not without stigma
I am loving
I am not without regret
I am honest
I am not without lies throughout my life
I am complex
I am not without others understanding me
I am flawed
I am not without beauty
I am accepting
I am not without judging
I am broken
I am not without healing
I am a contradiction
I am not without absolutes
I am strong
I am not without weakness
I am random
I am not without concentration
I am observant
I am not without unawareness
I am a friend
I am not without enemies
I am happy
I am not without sadness
I am a tweeter
I am not always able to express myself in 160 characters or less
I am blogger
I am not an award winning writer…..yet
I am strong in presence
I am not always seen
I am humble
I am not without pride
I am a child of God
I am not without sin
I am me
I am not you~
~NJM~
Not for Reproduction~

~And Did You~Well?~

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And did you

Did you
Think
And did you
Did you
Consider
And did you
Did you
Blame
And did you
Did you
Self evaluate
And did you
Did you
Hurt
And did you
Did you
Miss
And did you
Did you
Calculate
And did you
Did you
Have purpose
And did you
Did you
Dream
And did you
Did you
Look closely
And did you
Did you
Count the cost
And did you
Did you
Feel the loss
And did you
Did you
Know
And did you
Did you
Run
And did you
Did you
Have purpose
And did you
Did you
Know it wasn’t just you?
And did you
Did you
Know it wasn’t just me?
And did you
Did you
Have ability to see?
And did you
Did you ever truly hear me?

~What, This Love?~

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There is a sadness that runs so deep

Out my pours it begins to seep

Little pools of vomit from the little holes

It started today

Again you turned my love away

What do I do with this love

I know it is true

But where do I keep it

I have not a clue.

I stayed up late my usual routine

Arose at 11

I never rolled a lucky 7

Snake eyes is my true roll

I seem to gamble with my soul

What do I do with this love

Tuck it away

The edges slip out

Jagged torn

I pray dear God why was I born?

Maybe I’m feeling you like I often do

Maybe you’re Sad and without a clue.

What do I do with the love meant only for you

When you turn me away

Telling me to let you go

You say ~Darlin you need to let me go, I’m not good for you~

How the fuck can you know, you think you are gifted with insight from some realm

Some unseen sight

You can’t truly be sure

Our love just might….

Survive in the place i prepared just for us

But my sadness pours out of my pours like puss

Please stop all this shit

The guise the game

For once in your life make a true change

I’m trying to work on my book

And my article post

Instead I hear my heart let it go

What do I do with the pain of rejection all my life

I never said take me as your wife

Just be there in the place I made just for two

That place I prepared for me and for you.

Do you love me too?

I’m impetuous and cruel

Act play a fool

When you turn me away

I didn’t ask for much

Just that you stay.

Is it because you can’t forgive yourself from the past

How you hurt me so

I lashed out then ran fast

Why is it I love the one who hurt me most

Who haunts me daily like a ghost?

What do I do with this love?

Tell me please

My mind is rambles already diseased….

What do I do with this love

My love

What this love?