See you can’t move the stars, you can chose the ones to gaze upon, you can make a wish, say a prayer then take life on an exiting dare~NJM
But now 4 years later I can look back and see that I fit the criteria of a bipolar person. With my acceptance came a desire to be heard and help others gain a better understanding of what it is to live with bipolar disorder. Just like Mill’s stated everyone has there own personal story, it varies with each individual.
I have only regretted it when I’ve been met with ignorance or indifference, or fear. I have indeed been faced with others who have not been educated in regard to bipolar as well as other mental illness. More people seem to relate to depression because more individuals are faced with it, as opposed to bipolar. I once wore the label of “clinically depressed” I was first diagnosed with clinical depression in my 20’s. It seemed I was openly accepted being clinically depressed.
Because bipolar disorder is related to extreme shifts of mood. It’s laden with many unknown variables. The sensitivity of the illness and its ability to shift in opposite directions, leaves others worried about your personal stability and sensitivity.
But generally I’m at a place in my life where I bare the label with openness and willingness to educate others and answer questions to the best of my experience and struggles.
Treatment and upkeep of the disorder goes along way with the stability aspect. When you have a good history of stability in regard to treatment, it helps others feel secure in reaching out to you. People are fearful of what they’ve seen or not seen or heard. When someone is exposed to me for an extended period of time, Barriers breakdown and a level of acceptance is then replaced with prior apprehension I was met with. Truthfully you can’t be bipolar in society without meeting some prejudice. I believe this is true for all mental illness, not just exclusive to bipolar disorder, but all. It’s not limited to just my label, but all mental illness labels, and autism as well.
Not for Reproduction~
Exquisite exit revealed
Choose which door
Dropped to the floor
And to think that it’s all seems a Complete bore….. This life so fake
It makes one wonder if life is to take? At a time of our choosing
And is it really this life that I’m loosing?
These Social niceties….
…This show is exhausting
Wearing these mask
It’s a grueling nightmarish daily task
Surreal Essenes clouds
eyes are heavy, as is the mind
And much of this seems to be a waste of my time
I’m gonna choose this door wisely
With swift conviction I will prepare don’t temp fate not on a dare…
Or my entrance
Exquisite , Grandeur
Just be cautious
Tell no one that’s for damn sure
..Leaping into the unknown area
There, where all suicide tendency subsides
Not For Reproduction
Trying to get the filth off
Within and without
Mind filled with sickening doubt
Walking in circles
Looking for miracles
None have yet manifested
Deception braking connection
Indifference is contagious
Contagious and you’re attitude
Fighting the urge
To reach out
Only to be sickened
Your Atoms and neutrons
Electrons spin in swirl
Protons completely out of this world
Mixing within me
I can see
Sickened by your previous deception
To your evil heart vicious
And I’ll always be suspicious
Of why you chose me
Was your vision clouded?
What? You couldn’t see
What a beautiful heart beneath this flesh beating barely in my chest…….
Stop! I’m not returning!
I’m purging you out
I stay pure
Holding this life together
Because you tore it apart
I’ll purge all the urge
To never get close to you again~
Not for Reproduction~
Routine is a mundane thing which can dull the grandest thing~
Hollow space where my heart did beat~
Memories flood but are mopped up quickly as to not leave a mess in the mind~
Words spoken can never be taken back, but can be twisted and sticky like taffy~
Relentless offense of a person she helped, held up in times of his need even married, but he kicks her as to crush her, to beat into submission~
Yet again she rises out of nothing higher, stronger, determined~
Battles fought given up to bigger things of God and men~
She often sits procrastinating, negating, this experience surreal almost fascinating~
Those thoughts that hang in the corners of the mind are chipping and torn like old wall paper that needs to be removed~
A longing, so long, that the word closure can not touch that which has been sought from long ago not just one closure but many, many doors need shutting~
Forever to be locked~
A love, one she would die for is the love of her son~
Yet another love she has lived with silently that can’t come undone… She often wonders is he the one? Was she hunted by him in a cyber like game, somehow it seems she was then his to claim~
Boldness, brazen and fearless yet
quickly brought to her knees when faced by each day~
Leaving no room to reflect and pray~
Nasty dirty towels seem to cover her path~
Her feet swollen bloodied by all the broken glass~
A single word, to describe all the pain, the word that causes tears to fall like rain~
Abandonment thats how it feels~
That’s the one word that always yields the fear and rejection of loves long dead, only memories now that live in her head~
It’s description so hollow and missing so much, the love, support, the long for a touch, that hand to hold onto, arms that are strong, she wonders each day just how long~
Will abandonment leave?
It hasn’t thus far, as far back as she thinks its the thickest of scar
She wears it like a badge~
Covers her soul~
Others quick to judge her know not of the truth, because abandonment started long ago in her youth~
Did he know?
Turning her away
Catching each gaze
Allowing to stare
Did he care?
Holding her heart
Tore it apart
Did he cry?
Knowing his lie
Would crush her
Can he live?
Give back to her
Parts he broke
Or will he choke?
As he cries gasping for air
Knowing just how little he cared
Will he recognize?
His selfish condition
Serving him first
Will he lie?
Compensating for his
Will he come clean?
Tell the truth openly
Hoping his loss and his story
Will teach reach others like him
Or Will he fester in disdain?
Always thinking he is above
He is right
Never learning heartless cold
Slowly as he takes his lies to his death as he grows old.
Or can he find courage?
Knock on her door
Eyes down looking at the floor
Asking forgiveness for the trouble he caused, the pain he unleashed
Finding each word as they spill forth from his mouth…. Freeing his soul
Bringing healing to her finally made whole
Did he know?
Not for Reproduction~
Below is the link explaining in more detail how starry night was painted while Van Gogh was in a mental institution and the painting was inspired by his view from the window of his cell from the mental institution.
You’re my Micky to my Malorey
I’m the Bonnie to your Clyde
Jump in the car my love lets ride ride ride,,,,,,,
Going 100 miles an hour with you by my side
Nothing can stop us now
Take what we want
Do or die
Till the end
Humor me my love
Even if you lie
I’d rather not be living
If all I’ll do is cry~
~To what do I owe thee
This life so shackled
To the heavens do I look
Oceans to the depths
The road uncertain
Light up ahead
Shooting for stars
Fall to the ground
Fall to the ground~~