~I want….You~

I want short distance to close love, spontaneous outburst of affection not planned touches or moments, fast reflex amazing flexibility both internally and externally, truth always, no lies, crazy mad love.. the kind that legends are made of,not level headed well thought,yet always coming out right, tThunder I want Storms of flesh under sheets, I want Devine reward for a strength well mastered, I want change as long as it reveals beauty, to cry less, laugh more, long walks, rainbows ūüĆą I want money lots of money just to share and not to care leaving all burdens behind, I want to be kind, even when someone has been careless with words and emotional harm, I want to see it my way, I want my way to align with what my God has planned. I want to be strong stand straight learn my best to not hate.


I am the painter of my life

But the sculptor has the say

The one that reminds me

Each and everyday~

Pray….. know that your words are you, as I am the word too

As are you.

Want to live forever my child

Want to be free again…..wings again run wild?

You will move on from this ethereal area…

This realm of this world ūüĆé

Dimensions vast but the one thing on this Earth that will last

Immortalize you your bloodline

WORDS write put in plain sight

Take your words paint your life

Let me mold you, refine with fire ūüĒ•

A love so real, that burning desire

Deep in your belly with steel down your back …….your a wild young hybrid full of these words, you spin and you weave……

But dear Angel your words live forever long after you leave


Typo’s fixed…Totally revised~I Want….You~ yeah You…

I want short distance to close love,spontaneous outburst of affection not planned touches or moments..fast reflex and stealth like a cat, like me~ Flexibility both internally and externally (you will need it) truth always truth, I hate lies…crazy mad love that somehow makes sense, the kind legend s are made of (smile):))…level headed? Plz love is crazy beautiful wild free, no level headed well thought,it will be, Everything is Fine…I ask the Lord for Devine reward… oh yeah I want thunder under sheets flesh storms that make the sheets fall to the floor both needing more…Devine strength well mastered,Change it’s time for change and it’s coming as long as it reveals beauty and it will….to stop crying and laugh more, I want long walks along the beach from our beach home.$$$$Money lots of it…to share, invest, grow it, leave financial burdens behind forever, I want to be kind even when others are careless with words and emotional harm, learn to not take it personal, it’s really about them not me.

I want to see what God wants for me, I want to align with God’s will and plans, I want to stand straight and strong next to my future companion/Husband learn to still be humble but I can still feel pride inside,help me God to not hate and make me good God make me good~


~What Defines You? Poetic Thoughts for the New Year~

What Defines Us?

I seem to leave little things at important places.

My things find their way back.

Yes I gave my things personality , Feeling, being therefore I use the word “their”

Why? I see those objects as remnants of me.

Our things ? Does certain objects you have define you?

Does your car define you?

Your home?

Your special collections of themes?

Your purse?




Others…. friends?

Or does God define you?

Your spirit, your cosmic master?

I would like to say that my God and spirituality define me.

Lately I’m stagnate, without inspiration, dry.

I began to think what defines me? In Defining me I realized things, little things and my mistakes, my own guilt, my lack of forgiveness for myself and others are defining me.

In this upcoming year I want to break free, I want to reach goals. However,

We are our worst critic. In your head both the judge and jury convict you daily, hourly.

The funny thing is we are forgiven. On the basic principle of grace, benevolence of God or what you believe to be God your positive love that resides in you since your birth. The light .

I find in observation that often We let others define us? Then we have our personal critic in our head condemning us on a second by minute basis. So does…..Our possessions do they define us?

Our past?

Why is the future so hard to see?

Goals hard to reach?

Even love, self love so hard to find? To define us.

……. leaves only an expression of the unique difference and evermore the commonality of what is you and what is me.

I find my words have weight after they’re read, planting seeds, leaving questions…..

Poetic thoughts

From my bipolar mind, my

PTSD summoned by panic attacks reaching depths of me I didn’t know existed.

Mercurial is a word to describe me in many ways.

Describe. Is describing also defining?

I think so, add that to the list.

A never ending list

That evolves

Changes each second

Each breath.

Leaving us a question that begs an answer as the New Year approaches. For me the New Year is also the day of my birth, as well as the day my Dad died. I find meaning , I find signs from that experience that defines me in many ways each year. The New Year… my birthday is bitter sweet, because it reminds me that my Dad is dead, gone, and he made his exit out of this existence on the very day that I began mine. The day that everyone makes New Year resolutions that will in many ways define you. I pray the upcoming New Year brings rebirth and prosperous healthy harmonious life to you, in doing I ask what defines you?

~It Could Be Worse~ Fragmented~NJM~

I drank the poison 

I sit quietly as storms brew around me

Damn dark clouds spinning wondering…………………could it be worse?

Lately I’m Reducing myself to a child like statements “I never asked to be born!” God.
Cloudy day you will not catch me vulnerable off guard 

Depression is my muse

So in my craziness let me lay and in your mouth of madness pray

Quit toying with me finish me this day already or release me

I need philosophical conversation less hesitation 

How about it is what it is, instead of trying to make it something that it isn’t

The worse that can happen is the worse.
Moods mixed dripping from a rusty faucet or are the bowels of despair and hopeless abandonment. Eating away at your core? Wanting to feel this way no more
If you entered into a relationship today with the knowledge of knowing it will come to an end, would you engage and interact within and with that relationship? Define relationship… It’s myriads to scrutinize. Is the notion of such cause for suicide? Control? What of these….relationships. You’re living one now. It’s a relationship based with you and life. The other people are just the variables.

What do the people who are worse off do?
You often here it could be worse …. Well what of those that are locked away in a murderers cage……. What do they think ? It could be worse? I’m gonna die? So truly what is worse?

I will not concern myself with what I’m no longer concerned with. Yet I do. Contradict indeed. I’ll grab your hand to lead the way to have concern for you its in my DNA.

It’s all of what God wants what if I do otherwise will I be quickly be condemned thrown to purgatory? No I’ve made the bed it’s my consequence nothing more.

Lazy thoughts cloud conclusions unknown to basic rationalization Algorithm calculation 

Over processed, infected by a virus. You are my virus, no cure in sight.
Seeds you planted are now overgrown weeds in my mind

Trimming them only makes them grow~
Bumpy potholes all over the road
Don’t make me your mission don’t be a mortar for me. Opposition. Save me.
Cloudy day you will not catch me vulnerable off guard 
I awake to………..An instant acute awareness of all things, sharpened senses that if not properly used self destruct

I concealed my soiled hands behind my back, somewhere along the line I must have gone off track
I see the end…. Look don’t you… I forget your vision is clouded, and I’m filtering differently too. Lacking true vision that’s you

Like bad news of a death you speak of things you know not of, You hurt, is that all you know? Could be worse.
Unknown visitation trying you prepare. What exactly are you preparing for? Always be ready, You are you be you. It could be worse.

You loved and lost. But greater love is he who carries the Lord in their heart. Love never loses. 
It could be worse 

Skeletons with rotting flesh cling A pool of blood maps out the trail Stench of death fumes raise high many try running as many die, guess it could be worse~

I’m sick of awaking in a fog. God would you sit awhile let me hear your thunderous heavenly voice say it’s all okay including the fog and the occasional fire. 
Tell me how long will we grovel at the feet of wealth and power How long will we bow to their golden calf.

How long will we curtsey to all the new religions? They water down truth until truth will be no more.  

The awkward moment I see your mind is sick too, you only mimic society so they never knew, hypocrite~
Did God know bout you’re dyin day that it be of your own hand or his that has its way?
I feel so completely incomplete Take my hands stretch them out nail me to the cross then nail the cross to my feet Damn Martyr~

Laid upon the tall green grass my mind laid in textiles like tapestry in my head. Dampened thoughts moist with residue of complex philosophy and skewed intent wondering where the hell my life went in a different path, I feel alike lot Sylvia Plath~
There is steam on the window with writing on the glass….. But the words are blurry, I’m rushed in a hurry………. But to where I’m hurried too I know not. What does it say? Hurry……ok but where?

In this corner you think I’m in, your talons about to sink in I feel your claws grasping my skin… About to fly away with your prize your meal that has eyes.

Remember now I’m never how you envisioned maybe it be best you rethink your decision   

Clearly I might snap and sting causing extreme collision.

I’m the benefits fully loaded equipt but without warranty yet still a guarantee.
The further back I step more space allowed between

I feel you less

Like a dog

I allowed you

To kick me

I returned 



To my vomit

Then I had enough snapped and said the end~
Flesh hanging from my mouth….,..Carries the pieces you took from me raw and intact with my words my mouth alone. Your loss.

Herald bringer state the case close it well. Once told no more to tell. Usurper~
Sand storms blind suffocate Quick sand sucks you in like hate… Oh precious longing fate

Flares up as flames ignite, you sink into the quick sand you lost all control.
Figured you might~

Ensue the fight~

Problem is neither is right~
Truth be told I want what I want 

Needs not the same, I’m over all childish games,
I don’t listen therefore I get hurt, pouring more pain in my heart

Still I hope somehow deep inside we never part, that God will allow for us a start….
Suppose we Will see…
What could be worse

~But That’s Not Humanly Possible..or is It?~

Often we are faced with the question above, possibilities and outcomes of certain questionable task, projects, and subjects we call¬†life presents us¬†with all sorts of¬†opportunities¬†to test the limits of possibilities. We at times feel it‚Äôs not humanly possible to accomplish such tasks.If you follow me, read my answers and post you have a pretty good idea of who I am, what my purpose is for writing about subjects I consider important issues of life. I believe we often share the side of us that will impact the opinions of others views in regard to how we are seen, and we all want that to be positive.Through the last 5 years due to my illness and situations I‚Äôve decided that in order to bring about any change of view for the cause or purpose I believe in, I would need to be willing to share the good the bad and the ugly of what I am. I have done this at times with great apprehension. I have consulted my psychologist each time I unveil the layers that makes me who I am.Today mental illness and Autism deals with a type of racism. The difference however is we are in the birthing stages of this topic where scarcely people such as myself are just beginning to speak openly about this subject matter. It’s only been in the spotlight recently, unlike color racism or gender racism which we have faced for years and years. You can only talk about or place judgment upon subjects such as these for so long before it‚Äôs ‚Äúlike throwing pearls to swine” Mathew 7:6(oh crap she used a quote from Jesus)One extremely important purpose in my life is my son. If you read my post and follow me, you will notice I make mention of him often, but not in depth.Sadly through most of my life I often stated that I would never have kids. I didn‚Äôt want something to tie me down. I loved the ability to come and go as I please. I hated this world, its strange rules and lack of fairness. Until my fathers passing I really never gave solid thought about being a parent. So it came as a huge surprise when two weeks after my Dad had passed on to find out I was pregnant. I had only been intimate one time in the previous 8 weeks.

Nine months later my beautiful boy came along. I named him after my Dad. The first time I held him I was so tired from the C-section delivery. When he was placed in my arms tremendous fear and love washed over me. The weight of truth settled into my mind of what I had been entrusted with. The task at hand with regard to raising my son was daunting. I had never had a two-parent household as a child nor aunts, uncles, grand parents that even acknowledged me, seems I was a subject of controversy the minute I manifested here on planet earth, I knew rejection and desperately wanted to give my son the choices and opportunities and experiences I had not been afforded. I made the decision to pair up with my ex husband to try and effectively raise my son together. I left the biological father during my pregnancy for several reasons.

Before I go further into depth of the subject I am going to delve into a bit of insight about my son. First here is a recent photo of him. Beautiful right?

He is the single greatest event of my life. Often He teaches me more things than I teach him. For instance we could be in the ugliest torn down environment possible and he will be the first to find the positive aspects about things that often escape you or I . He is brave, not only does he live with the label in regard to ethnicity or race, but he has Asperger’s which to me only makes his quality of thoughts and expression utterly amazing and endearing, Then let’s throw in his type 1 diabetes, Five times a day he must draw blood to monitor his blood glucose levels. He wears an insulin pump, which requires a canula similar to what you would know as an IV one would wear in the hospital, attached to his body at all times. My son has been this way since he was 18 months old. He spent a week in intensive care when the diagnosis occured I called into work one day because I could see he had labored breathing, and was urinating to much, he was almost in complete diabetic shock, thank God I noticed this, because had I left him with the sitter and ignored the strange symptoms of which no one had ever spoken of to me about he most likely would be dead today. See doctors will tell you that as long as your child has a wet diaper during illness that means they are hydrated. He had been throwing up, but his diaper was wet. Little did I know he was urinating his body away.

What diabetes has taught me is to be sure while raising my son to not let his illness or disability take the front seat. To not make a big deal or draw attention to things that makes him or you different from others. Teaching him this principle goes a long long way in how he has come to perceive the world around him. My son displays true courage, he is an example for us, for me, for you.

I have shared with you the above thoughts to paint the picture of where I am heading in this post. Most importantly this post is for my son, he is my reason and purpose to trying to pave a new way of  life for him and all children. So with that I am going to begin to expound upon my view of racism and my suggestions of how we must view such subjects going forward, these suggestions are of extreme importance to consider if we want to build a safe and accepting world for those who have children with disabilities as well as for those who do not, and for those who may one day become a parent. The following paragraphs may have slight to moderate sarcasm. But it’s done so with what I would call dark humor. Let’s begin shall we.

I was unfollowed by the person I had a heated exchange with..OMG…:) then by the same person blocked (gasps) I do declare, then de-friended on Facebook¬†meh, but then I also received a text message from said person letting me know further beyond their actions thus far, that we were DONE.¬† Now I don‚Äôt know about you, but my view of this shows the level of ¬†immaturity I’m dealing with here in regard to a recent exchange on this subject at hand. I may not always share your view, but I’m following you for a reason … Perhaps it’s for the purpose of “keeping it real” perhaps I ¬†admire ¬†you¬†or your writing style… Either way my following you is with purpose. Even though¬†I may disagree with some of your views.

Often times I go down the list of my followers to their profile to see their activity and then check out their recent answers, I learned this style from Xu Beixi she has taught me so much being here~She is simply Amazing~ sorry I tagged you, I try to steer clear of tagging to much, I view it as grab assing(incase your not familiar with the term grab assing it’s slang for bull shit) But in this case I am allowing it in this post. So I happened upon someone who had their recent activity as an upvote on a post with the very person I had the ugly exchange. To be clear aboutexchange it’s an occurrence of giving one thing and receiving another.

I read the post and realized it was about the exchange I had recently in regard to racism, I was surprised that it received any attention because within the post lots of judging came up. Here is a direct quote I found in the comment section from the person in regard to my grammar usage¬†That’s ¬†funny she ¬†frequently misspells and uses incorrect grammar and communication so she further underlines her own ignorance~¬†Being petty and using gender to make points I mention gender because I leave the words such as He/She out of my post on purpose for several reasons. But attacking another’s grammar is a judgment and racist remark against my education or lack thereof. Anytime someone wears the title of Judgment in regard to things such as this subject nature I’m writing about, all the way down to belittling someone due auto correct because I happen to be on my phone … In my opinion is hitting way way below the belt.¬†Further more Brining up my race then getting pissed of if ¬†I try to explain why race is not relevant for change to occur and still they are bringing up my sons race or lack thereof or words such a cognition (which in my opinion they clearly lacked) is deplorable and sounds to me like that person may have a chip or ten on their shoulder.¬†Although I can see how this person would state these judgments being as they feel repressed.

To proceed with the point of my post, although points are indeed lost most always nonetheless, I’m going to give it a try once again with a bit more finesse… Here we go…Racism.. That word just stirs up the pot, doesn’t it. Racism does indeed stretch beyond the boundaries of its humble origins. It covers a whole lot of issues we encounter each and everyday. Originally used to describe those who have¬†inferior¬†or¬†indifferent feelings¬†about¬†black human beings.

Today it is¬†an umbrella word. I believe It’s a word that¬†can cover¬†various subjects in regard to prejudice or discrimination, as well as stereotyping.¬†It’s also alive in ones self with regard to¬†repression¬†one may feel, thinking that the world at large is interacting in some way with them, instead of how¬†THEY INTERACT with the world.

The sad thing is that in many ways racism is still here. Often times when we as a race think we have made strides in the right direction against racism the evil entity that is racism pops it’s ugly head out yet again proving It lives and lingers in every group, town, city, states and country,¬†festering in the hearts¬†of humans.¬†One would think that after discussing a topic for the better half of the twentieth century yet lingering and bleeding into the twenty first century that all these discussions have yield is more chaos and confusion but not a single speech or death of those making the speech has really made much leeway. We elect Obama into the white house and that sadly became a subject of racism as well. True change occurs through example and experience.

You would think that for the past 60 years (estimated) we have made the biggest steps in the right direction or so it would seem. Then something like the Trayvon Martin event comes and reminds us that it’s still alive and well, even though we have¬†talked about this issue for years and years… Years. Not much has changed. Sadly All the¬†Trayvon Martins¬†or¬†Token black folk¬†or¬†speeches¬†have yet to change it… Hmmm insane right?
Call my statements above a Red Herring, Post Hoc, Straw man whatever makes you feel better. See I was told that brining up Trayvon was a Red Herring.

In any issue we face, whether be it personal, or issues at large if an approach that has not previously worked for over 60 years and is still being used, yet yielding results that truly make “no difference” then it’s time for new tactics, a new strategy an approach if you will.

When the same tactic that has been used to try and stomp out issues such as race, or issue’s about oneself in relation to racism it’s s called insanity.

It’s insane to think that pointing out differences such as race, or better yet¬†thinking you are a spokes person¬†for such things as race is going to brake the cycle …..that cycle that yet continues,¬†damn that cycle.

If I felt that bringing up such topics was a good approach, I surely had every reason to talk about such being the mother of a child that is mixed in origin, multiracial I like to say. But as you will soon find out as you read further that according to the other person I had the heated exchange with that I wouldn’t know nothing being a white women and all, with a mixed child.

Today after thinking about all that has transpired due to the subject being brought up in the forum, I now feel the need to lend a voice to educate the subject of race. I would like to offer a few suggestions on this worn out subject.

I feel this way because of my son who is mostly black. Why would I say mostly black you ask? Well a person recently told me(Notice I don’t use gender at all in my reference I merely leave the common ground we share together, being we are people/person, and you cannot tell about that person‚Äôs gender because I use certain principles when trying to make a point) Any way this person¬†Whom I thought was a friend, who happened to be a black person of a certain demographic said and I quote “I had no place to feel how I do since I was a white women”¬†my my my… Hmmm ..there it is again pointing out difference that ugly race/gender difference card (I say women because you can clearly see I’m the women writing this) but better still in regard to my ideas is that¬†I am a PERSON, a living, breathing, walking, person, just like you. Wow who would’ve known?

This is what I teach as a principle to my son, took look past differences and instead see each other as the¬†human beings¬†we are, funny thing is subsequently my son teaches me daily about things of the heart, about love, acceptance, and how not to notice obvious differences, but instead look for the¬†common element¬†we all share. I would not be bringing up race in regard to my son who is black, (only pointing out racial aspects since this seems to be the ongoing theme) and since¬†I’m Creole, that makes him a bit more than half black. But most importantly it also makes him a human being, same as me, you the person next to you, your neighbor.

To bad that person didn’t look a bit closer in regard to labels.¬†Creole people are a mixture of Spanish, French, and Black ethnicity. To bad that person couldn’t just see me as the¬†person, the¬†human¬†I am, but instead a white women no less. That this person couldn’t see that making race an issue in my opinion in subtle ways makes that person……¬†Well sorry to say it but racist.¬†But you see that’s my view, however I’m here to say that beyond the realm of Quora my view is greatly shared.

I feel that in order to represent all gender and race my first suggestion on that subject is change the word man and replace the word with  human hence man kind changes to human kind if somehow that stance was a view shared commonly among humans long long ago, Tremendous amount of conflict including slavery would have NEVER existed! But unfortunately that approach was not implemented. Instead we try and ostracize those different from us.

Remember the one commonality we all share, which is being human. Human being, that’s what we are. Hey look I’m thinking surely the person who coined the term “human race” had that principle in mind when doing so, they freely looked upon the element we share, which is we are human first.¬†As long as I’m the mother representing my child of a mixed origin, I definitely feel my view upon such is of extreme relevance.

What can you and I do in your little area of the world to change the view of others¬†you find different or indifferent¬†than yourself you ask?¬† Simple, apply the principle I teach my son who as stated previously also teaches me and I am still trying to apply in my life and plant the seeds in yours, don’t point out our differences in terms of race pointing out difference on any subjects of this nature¬†simply must cease in order for change. In order to come together we must find a common ground, which has eluded us at this point. Look in the mirror staring back is the reflection of you, and me

But then again what would I know, being white women and all, with a mixed child. I wouldn’t know a thing right?

Personally I think where¬†we are headed in terms of race¬†is what we see happening before our eyes. People are mixing together in union, interracial unions are making up more and more interracial children until¬†one day race in regard to racism will cease, want to know why? Because at that point we will all be¬†one race,¬†then we can’t point fingers when we are mostly all alike, we are indeed one race that is the human race although its not fully recognized. If we continue down the path I clearly see, the trend of humanity is leading us naturally in the direction of one mixed race,¬†which is represented nicely by children such as my son, and myself.

I am going to share something the person who I had this disagreement with so beautifully and aptly put an analogy in my mind when we spoke of better subjects That is “you can’t make change looking in the rear view mirror, only by looking through the windshield”¬†I like this quote It works lest we all fall further into ignorance and continue to look behind us, instead of in front of us.

I would also like to add that should you feel repression about subjects of race, it is the repression YOU ALLOW yourself to feel, you allow yourself to THINK is real. Truly it is real, that is for you its real, not for all of us, certainly not for my son or me at least not with regard in discussion such as these, we prefer to set examples.

So please remember the common element we all share being human.. Human being… That is of course unless you‚Äôre an Alien. Then by all means should you be an Alien, that is in ” Alien from outer space” surely then we should sit down… If you can sit, and explore the difference of our existence, being that here on earth we are humans.

But if you’ve traveled light years away to visit us, I would be delighted to sit or stand and exchange the obvious difference we don’t share. Instead of the commonality we all share.

Going forward with regard to this festering subject at hand, I’ll be speaking loudly about my views to try¬†facilitate change needed so my son and the future of our children.¬†So this world will be better than the present conditions we currently still exist in. I’ll try to work on my delivery of such festering topics.

However should you continue to disagree with me, I believe¬†Robert A Heinlein¬†had the right idea in mind when he said “A human being¬†should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, guide a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly.¬†Specialization is for insects.”

Oh one more thing if your going to represent me as part of the Felidae species I believe the Leopard would be best considering the many colors of their fur and the fact that teeth and claws would show for sure when protecting her cubs. I believe Scar who was Simba’s evil uncle in my opinion was best represented by the person with whom I exchanged harsh views and blocked me.

Not For Reproduction.